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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

1000 replies

BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 21/03/2021 20:42

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

OP posts:
Mylovelyhorsee · 22/03/2021 07:54

She sounds nuts op. You’re doing the right thing.

ClarkeGriffin · 22/03/2021 07:57

You're doing the right thing. She may steal him if she can't get what she wants and she wants him back. I would be blunt and tell her he is not for sale ever, and she cannot see him ever, and if she continues to bother you or shows up at the yard you will call the police.

JosephineBaker · 22/03/2021 07:59

I agree with PP that your message needs to be firmer. Your current phrasing allows for a bit of wiggle room on her part. She needs to be told she’s overstepped and must respect your boundaries.

OysterMonkey · 22/03/2021 08:01

@HoppingPavlova

Personally I think the latest message is still inviting contact and trouble i.e. harassment. Would suggest amending.

Hi A. I am well thanks. I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me as I don’t have capacity to accomodate visits. In addition, the number of messages received has been overwhelming and outside the bounds of normal concern. I am happy to provide you with one update per year in line with what I do for others and in appreciation of your attachment to X. Outside of this I will not be corresponding. Please rest assured that he is absolutely adored, well looked after and the intention is that he will live out the rest of his days here but in the extremely unlikely event I need to sell him I will contact you as first offer. Take care x

This is a good amendment, though personally I’d lose the x at the end.
category12 · 22/03/2021 08:02

Id think carefully as tho I would want to be kind she is an unknown quantity.

Not that unknown - she has demonstrated she will pursue contact beyond reasonable bounds, and that she will push and push for more.

Op, you really need to be firm.

Hi, horse is happy and healthy, as you have seen in photos. Be reassured that he is doing well and is much-loved. Unfortunately the level of contact from you has been overwhelming and I am not happy to continue this, nor to allow a visit. Although I have no wish to sell and intend this to be his forever home, I will keep your contact details and offer you first refusal if ever that time comes. But from here on, I ask you to stop contacting me.

HeadNorth · 22/03/2021 08:08

She sounds really odd and flaky and to be honest, not the sort of person I'd be happy selling a horse to - she sold him on in the first place and obviously lacks judgement. I'd take the bit about first refusal if you ever sell him out of your message. You owe her nothing and it sounds like you could find him a far better home if you did ever sell him.

It goes without saying - do not give her your address or allow her to visit.

justilou1 · 22/03/2021 08:08

I would make it VERY clear to the mutual friend that I was very underwhelmed that she had shared your address without your permission. You had been humouring her for the sake of the friendship, but this has gone too far. If you need to show her proof of this woman's stalkery behaviour, please do so. Make it VERY clear that this woman is not to find out your address, or that of your horse and if you find out that she has been to visit, there will be consequences, as you suspect that she may be very unwell.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 22/03/2021 08:11

I had a dog that I had to rehome due to divorce; exH didn't want her and no family or friends could take her and I wasn't allowed to have her in my new rental property.I miss that dog so much and if I knew where she was I'd not just want to see her I'd want her back.
If she cares that much about this horse then it will never end at just a visit or two imo.Stick to your guns.

FannyFlapClap · 22/03/2021 08:14

I actually had something similar with my cat. I bought her at 10 weeks from someone who bought him at 8 weeks then looked after him so badly that it took a fair bit of TLC to bring him right. After a while I got a message asking for update and pics, I replied all was well and no pics. She pressed for pics and more updates but I blocked and deleted her. I never knew her prior to this and quite honestly didn't want to either.

You don't owe her anything. She has been told numerous times that horse is well and has, in your words, a forever home. If you sell a beloved pet then that is the best you could hope for. She's taking the piss and is itching for more than just a visit. Send her a final message and make it clear you want no further contact with her. If she persists I would then start reporting her to the police for harrassment. The excessive communication she is using isn't acceptable.

Sceptre86 · 22/03/2021 08:14

I don't think she sounds well mentally because 103 messages is a heck of a lot to send especially if you have not replied to most of them. I most definitely wouldn't be sending her your address. Other posters have written good responses that you can send back to her. I would be telling her that the horse is loved and wanted but should you ever sell you will contact her for first refusal. Otherwise the amount of messages she has sent you is obscene and you will not be responding any further. She needs to let it go, yes she had the horse for 9 years bit she hasn't had the horse for many years now and needs to move on. Badgering you isn't OK. She is very much the type that will take a mile if you give an inch so I really would avoid telling her any more details.

PatchworkElmer · 22/03/2021 08:14

I can’t believe that people are suggesting selling him back! Firstly OP has said it would be well below market rate, meaning she couldn’t buy a horse for her own needs. She spent 6 months looking for a horse that was suited to her. Secondly, I would be concerned that someone who had been forced to sell once against their will AND couldn’t afford market rate now might be forced to sell again, or not meet his needs adequately. He’s better off in a stable home with OP.

OP- I’d seriously look at CCTV I think. If you feel comfortable, maybe say you’ll send an update at Christmas (so that she has a definite time she knows she’ll receive one).

WiseOwlOne · 22/03/2021 08:15

Not even one visit. She is obsessed. She cant respect your "no".

Id be worried She could steal the horse, and still feel like the victim of you. Like you MADE her do this.

TitusPullo · 22/03/2021 08:17

Those saying OP should sell stalker woman the horse are missing the part where OP said the woman can’t/won’t pay full price for him. Why should OP have to subsidise a stranger. The woman would have received full price for him when she sold and now wants the horse make at a discount price. No. There are lots of things I love but if I want them I have to pay for them.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 22/03/2021 08:20

I think your message is really nice. She is harassing you though and i wouldn’t let her know where the horse is now or arrange a meet up. If she carries on I would be a bit more blunt and just tell her that you are finding the messages troublesome and that you look after x well and he is happy but you won’t be answering them any more.

lockeddownandcrazy · 22/03/2021 08:20

Hi, Dobbin has a home for life with me and I dont think it would help him for you to visit. He is not for sale and never will be. Thank you for your interest but please stop messaging me now.

crosspelican · 22/03/2021 08:22

She's dug her own grave here, which is a pity. If she had just been normal and asked for a visit, you'd probably have said yes, but she has signalled pretty clearly that if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile.

I wouldn't want her knowing where the yard is because you'll start getting "Horse looked cold on Wednesday - is he okay today?" texts out of the blue and tyre tracks in the mud. I don't think she'll know when to stop.

muddyford · 22/03/2021 08:22

If this was a man harassing and almost stalking in this manner there wouldn't be ongoing dialogue. You'd just contact the police. And quickly. You didn't seek this contact. I would move the horse to a secret location for a few weeks and look at your personal boundaries. The whole situation sounds very unhealthy, potentially dangerous and downright creepy. You are not responsible for her, but you are responsible for yourself and your horse.

Tistheseason17 · 22/03/2021 08:24

Don't give your address - it will never be 1 visit.

Roussette · 22/03/2021 08:24

If this was an ex boyfriend, you would've called the police months ago!

tuttifuckinfruity · 22/03/2021 08:26

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Who wants to just visit a horse? She'll want to ride him.

Is it awful to say "terrible thing happened, horse died, you'll be as sad as I am"? obviously, I hope nothing happens to your horse.

I'd be tempted to get job lot of garnier and give it a dye job, though.

Yes, that would be an awful thing to say.
Remona · 22/03/2021 08:29

I think we all know that one visit would never be enough. You let her visit once and she'd be back time and again, either with or without your permission.

This needs to be nipped in the bud and bluntly. My father had a saying "Never start something you'll want to end."

You have to make it absolutely clear at this stage that she is not allowed to visit. If you allow her to, even once, then it gives her leverage and weakens your case should you have to report this further down the line. If she seeks a chink in your armour, she will exploit it. Having written proof that you have said absolutely no visits whatsoever is going to help you in the long run. Trying to be nice and kind will do you no favours in this instance.

Parentpower20 · 22/03/2021 08:30

I think you do need to be more blunt. I fully appreciate he is a lovely horse but I’m afraid I can’t keep communicating about him. I suggest you look at getting a part ownership with another owner so you aren’t spending lots of time reminiscing. All the best. ...
Then block.

Parentpower20 · 22/03/2021 08:30

@Remona

I think we all know that one visit would never be enough. You let her visit once and she'd be back time and again, either with or without your permission.

This needs to be nipped in the bud and bluntly. My father had a saying "Never start something you'll want to end."

You have to make it absolutely clear at this stage that she is not allowed to visit. If you allow her to, even once, then it gives her leverage and weakens your case should you have to report this further down the line. If she seeks a chink in your armour, she will exploit it. Having written proof that you have said absolutely no visits whatsoever is going to help you in the long run. Trying to be nice and kind will do you no favours in this instance.

Totally agree. Don’t whatever you do give the address to visit. You’ll be back in two years on Mumsnet with a whole saga. Guaranteed.
DeciduousPerennial · 22/03/2021 08:33

I agree. OP, your suggested message simply isn’t clear or firm enough.

It needs to be much shorter and with no ambiguity or room for misinterpretation or hope of future contact at all.

PhilCornwall1 · 22/03/2021 08:34

Yes, that would be an awful thing to say.

Solve the problem though wouldn't it.

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