To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

Just wanted to say good luck sending the message today OP! (I definitely agree with being clear about what "contact" looks like to you at this point!) I also agree with not permitting visits. It wasn't enough for you to tell her he's well-loved and looked after, it then wasn't enough for you to send pictures showing this, so I suspect as you fear one visit would not be enough either. I'd also be a bit fearful as you've said your field is remote that she wouldn't take to popping along frequently without telling you. Let us know how it goes! X

*would

@Theunamedcat just what I came on to say.

Fgs don't give her your address. This horse is being sold because no-one can deal with A's craziness imo. They couldn't cite this as a reason for selling as noone would buy the horse.

You need to tell her enough is enough. She needs to back off.

“thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly!”

Who on earth says that? "If you don't give me the address I'll come anyway but I'll have to drive around potentially for hours scouring the landscape for him."

She is behaving like he's still hers. I'm betting C isn't as attached as A is and is a people-pleaser and doesn't dare step back from A.

I hope you sent the message.

Then be proactive, because she's not going to back off.

• CCTV
• contact FB groups she's been in and tell the admins how many messages (104 since Oct with messages daily for past 17 days) she's been sending and that you will be involving police if she continues to harass you via their group too.
• if she sends anything more than "Got the message. Sorry for bothering you." (Possible she intensifies), tell her you'll contact the police if she sends even one more. And actually do it.

It's very easy to say a horse was sold because a child fell and didn't want to ride any more etc. That doesn't reflect badly on the horse in any way. Can't be disproved. From the pattern in sales, it sounds very like previous owners couldn't handle her. It's not like you think she's only doing this to you, right? If you were to sell the horse, you'd not want to mention that there was a crazy ex included in the price!

Please be prepared to call the police. This is total harassment and she's not likely to calm down just because you want her to.

Stop pussyfooting around this inappropriate woman and be blunt. You have tried being subtle and it hasn’t worked so now it’s time to put her straight.

YANBU. She’s too intense. At the end of the day, whatever the reasons were, she sold him.

He’s your horse now and she’s too intense; it’s very clear she wouldn’t leave you alone to get on with looking after him, she’d have many ideas about how to do “better” for him.

No, like a working animal that needs to be able to do a specific job.
I used to work with horses and I still hate the horsey world for this, so unfair to the ones that are passed from yard to yard because of ability, especially when you think of the fantastic life a horse that is loved goes to. So sad

You need to be more firm or she's not going to go away. I know you are conflict avoidant but that is making your life harder right now.

Don't ask how she is in your response. Be directive.

I'd also email the Facebook admins to explain to them what's happened and that you are concerned people will give away your location.

104 messages! I'd not be letting her in ow where he is. Just send a message saying 'T is fine, he's got a home for life with me, please stop texting me now'

OP, just beware that some advice you receive here could come from someone who know the previous owner.

I'd be a lot more firm in my reply and mention no more contact, this person sounds very demanding and I would 't want them turning up at my door at any point. I haven't owned horses but I breed cats. Despite having a strict contract, once an animal is sold, it's pretty much out of my control. (Unless I want a lengthy legal battle.) You'll probably get an upset reply from her at least. You need to make sure she stops contacting you imo.

Wouldn’t want her to know where the house is living.

Under no circumstances let her come to your yard. Summers coming, she'll be popping up everyday for something or other. Then she'll ask for the occasional ride, then half share. Then before you know it you will own a horse that someone else will have the pleasure of.
I've worked and been around horses all my life. There are some very 'special' current and ex horse owners out there.
You've let her know he is safe, tell her if you ever decide to sell she can have first refusal then block her - on everything. A seems to have forgotten she is no longer the owner.

@DuesToTheDirt

She clearly didnt want to sell him but circumstances meant she had to and she sold him to someone she knew who was supposed to be a forever home and then hes been to several since so I get shes upset.

I see lots of similar pleas on facebook - "I sold him to what I was assured was a forever home, but they sold him on..." I always think, "Well, you couldn't give him a forever home, so how can you expect that from someone else?"

Same!

As awful as I would feel, I would be saying no.
The yard is my safe, happy place. I think I'd be constantly worried about her turning up unannounced- she's already shown that she has little boundaries. For you sanity and your horses security, put your foot down.

Could you suggest meeting at a show once they're on?

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

By contact I mean text so yes that's not clear. I'll change that.

Nope not called him something. I referred to a generic something I was looking to buy in my first post. Not sures its a hill worth dying on though!

I don't judge how anyone keeps there horses as long as their welfare needs are met. Its not a muddy field though although suspect that might be her judgement of it. Incidentally why do you mean by the right way for her to meet him so he knows he wasn't abandoned. I know horses can recognise people they have known from long ago and also old herd members but how would meeting her as a one off help him realise he wasn't abandoned. Wouldn't he just feel abandoned again when she didn't come back? Genuinely interested if you have links or studies somewhere.

Anyway as I have to be up at 6am I am going to head to bed and resolve it all tomorrow :)

You need to make her aware that she has sent you over 100 messages and that you are concerned for your safety by the constant interference from her . Make her aware that you are thinking about getting legal advice. Follow through if necesssry and maybe ask her not to contact you again.

You've done the right thing, agree with others that she is likely the reason that the poor lad keeps getting sold. Personally I'd be tempted to sell him to her at a higher price to reflect the cost of horses right now and the hassle caused,
he'll be happy and you can live a happier life too, but I also understand that you are attached to him and don't want to.

Also agree with others that you must message the Facebook admins of groups, and ideally also the girl who passed on your name, not in a rude way but because she'll clearly keep going and going and going.

Let her visit him.

She clearly loves the horse.

I wouldn’t let her meet him as it sets a president and also currently she doesn’t know where he is stabled- I would keep it that way, she doesn’t sound sound of mind!

I'm fairly sure I've seen this girls posts on social media. If it is her, the way she portrays it is that she's desperate to trace her old horse, does anyone know where he is, i "just want to know he's ok".

Whoever said they call horse shit because op doesn't know how the other girl used to keep the horse - they've been talking about it, read the ops posts at least!

Horse people do refer to horses as things in as much as "i need something that can jump" for eg. It doesn't mean anything.

Don't sell her the horse back. He's yours, you love him and he's fulfilling the purpose you bought him for. Get some cctv up at the yard. It sounds like he's fairly remote so probably difficult to find if she does drive around aimlessly anyway. You don't owe this woman a thing. You've already gone above and beyond. She needs to accept that once you sell a horse, it's not yours anymore.

I think your message is perfect op. Stand firm. Time to put an end to this.

@Picassosfriend

She obviously really really loves the horse, I imagine in the same way that a dog or cat lover loves their animal. She probably thinks of him as her boy as she had him from six months old until aged nine. She also probably feels really guilty that she let him go and since that time he has been sold and re-sold many times, so nobody has obviously loved him like she did.

I think that life is about more than money, and if you could take the financial hit I would let his very loving first owner have him (obviously at a cost). She will obviously smother him with love and attention.

If you switched this scenario to a pet dog, then I think that many more people would be able to relate to it and would probably agree that if possible she should have him. As you have said you don't love him in the same way, let him go to her and let him have the best life for him.

I know that I am in the minority on here, but can just imagine that if this my dog, and she was sold on several times, then I would feel heartbroken too. 😞😞 Perhaps tell her what price you are looking for and give her the opportunity to save up to buy him back? You can then buy another horse to meet your riding requirements.

Seriously what?

No. That's not how life works and besides this irritating woman isn't in the market for buying him back. She wants the pleasure of contact with him without the expense.

Besides, just because the OP doesn't see T as her one and only it doesn't mean he isn't right up there. This woman is taking the joy out of owning him for the OP. The minute OP lets this woman closer than texts, her life quality will tank just to appease someone with zero manners or respect. No. Just no.

@HoppingPavlova

Personally I think the latest message is still inviting contact and trouble i.e. harassment. Would suggest amending.

Hi A. I am well thanks. I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me as I don’t have capacity to accomodate visits. In addition, the number of messages received has been overwhelming and outside the bounds of normal concern. I am happy to provide you with one update per year in line with what I do for others and in appreciation of your attachment to X. Outside of this I will not be corresponding. Please rest assured that he is absolutely adored, well looked after and the intention is that he will live out the rest of his days here but in the extremely unlikely event I need to sell him I will contact you as first offer. Take care x

This message is very good.

Don’t give her your address . Send her a few pics - say he’s doing great and your happy to give her an update once a year with pics but you find her continual messages intrusive

I would send her a firm message. That she is making you feel uncomfortable reference 104 messages since October.

She said her goodbyes xx years ago and you don't think it's a good idea to reopen old wounds.

Send her some pictures and and say if you do decide to ever part company with him which you doubt you'll let her know but for now you need some peace and please don't persist as her behaviour amounts to harassment.

I do feel a bit sorry for her, so close but so far.... but if you do it once it will be a nightmare.

Why does “being kind” so often mean “ignore your own instinct and boundaries and give in to bullying behaviour”?

She sold the horse, that is categorically not the OP’s problem. She’s been too nice up to this point.

@jerometheturnipking

Why does “being kind” so often mean “ignore your own instinct and boundaries and give in to bullying behaviour”?

She sold the horse, that is categorically not the OP’s problem. She’s been too nice up to this point.

Completely agree.

She should be told in no uncertain terms that she stops all contact and doesn't attempt to come anywhere near the horse. One attempt at either and she'd be facing the law.

@MidLifeCrisis007

Let her visit him.

She clearly loves the horse.

Out of interest, how do you imagine that visit going?

A has OP's phone number and has received photos to see that horse is ok. And video (which she pushed for). She's still sent over 100 messages in 6 months.

So, what do you imagine will happen when she has the address of the stable? She'll only go once? Really? Cos I see her going once, once more and again ultimately thinking "Ill just give him a few carrots." then some feed. Then a bit of a groom. Then "A wee ride wouldn't do any harm"...

Has anything about this woman's "love" (obsession) demonstrated that she pays any attention to normal boundaries?!