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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 21/03/2021 19:37

@BoJoHoNo

I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU? If you explained this to him, do you think he would be ok with it or give you a hard time? £500 out of £10k really isn't a lot and you'd still be saving a hefty sum.

Im betting Nope, he would want 100% of it in his savings account 🤔

endlesscraziness · 21/03/2021 19:38

It doesn't sound like you have a normal happy relationship tbh. I'd tell my husband but ours is a very different relationship to yours

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/03/2021 19:39

No, if you have to hide it your relationship isn’t good imo.

Don’t you feel guilty that he is funding far more and you are hiding money? Very different if independent finances and everything is shared but I would be furious if DH hid money whilst expecting me to fund him. Not because I would want to spend it but because it would be selfish and show a lack of trust in the relationship.

OneTC · 21/03/2021 19:39

Whole lot of people itt who've never been poor or forgot

Also not condoning spending, ie not agreeing it's money well spent is a pretty low bar for financial abuse

D0ntAtMe · 21/03/2021 19:41

I'd tell mine but I'm not in relationship where I have to hide strawberries for my children and I also don't have to sneak in socks I might buy on Amazon.

If I were in such a controlling relationship where I had to do that then I probably would keep it to myself.

Toothpaste123 · 21/03/2021 19:41

I think yabu. That amount of cash could help you get on the housing ladder or in some other way benefit your future if you put it to good use. Just hiding it away and spending it on treats you're not working as a team for the future of your family, but being dishonest and rather selfish. Having said that keeping say 2k for yourself as emergency money is completely reasonable.

Original poster
MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 19:42

Thank you everyone. I think what I’ve gained from this thread is the realisation that we’ve become fragmented due to finances and my not contributing 50/50 which I managed to do with one child. I think I’ll tell him but regain some control by insisting that £500 goes towards making this year easier than the one before.

OP posts:
IWantT0BreakFree · 21/03/2021 19:42

Gosh. Some people here need to check their privilege.

The fact that someone is unhappy about household money (or what they believe to be household money) being spent on strawberries and ribena does not necessarily imply abuse or financial control. Some families genuinely cannot afford those things. They are luxuries. I have been there - unable to afford sodding peppers because they were 80p each at our local supermarket and we had to stick to a budget of £1 per meal total in order to eat 2-3 times a day. If OP's husband has grown up in poverty, and as a family they are coming out of a tough few years financially, he is probably still thinking about how to cut costs at every possible point. That's not abusive. That's how some people survive and rid themselves of debt (if they are lucky).

Unless there is a lot more to it, I think the accusations of abuse are insulting and ridiculous. I also think (again, unless there's a lot more to it) that it's clear your husband is still feeling uneasy about finances and it would probably take a lot of stress away if he knew there was a bit of a buffer with your inheritance. In your shoes, I would present it as my money and my choice I.e. "I've inherited £10k! I'm going to use £500 to treat myself and the kids over the course of the year and then we've got £9500 in the bank for XYZ". I wouldn't give him the opportunity to weigh in on the £500. Unless you both have debts that need to be paid in which case that's different.

mrsohmaybeno · 21/03/2021 19:43

My god I'd hate to live like that...

GoLightlyontheEarth · 21/03/2021 19:43

@OneTC

Whole lot of people itt who've never been poor or forgot

Also not condoning spending, ie not agreeing it's money well spent is a pretty low bar for financial abuse

This is the pony I’m trying to make . There was a time we couldn’t afford to buy a bottle of wine. We were permanently skint and always overdrawn . If my husband had seen me buying things we couldn’t afford he would have challenged me. I would have challenged him. That’s not abuse.
WilsonMilson · 21/03/2021 19:43

In a normal relationship you would be v unreasonable to keep that a secret, the hallmark of any good marriage is honesty, openness a d playing for the team financially and otherwise.

However, from what you have said, your dh is very financially controlling. It is not normal to have to sneak treats into the house for you and dc, and it’s not on that you’re ‘not allowed’ to buy from the village shop. That’s a form of abuse really, and I would say that in these circumstances you’re definitely not being unreasonable to hide the inheritance, but the fact you have to, speaks to a bigger picture in which you’re stuck in a financially abusive marriage.

Unfinished · 21/03/2021 19:44

I don’t understand why splurging £500 wouldn’t be something fun to do together. just enjoying being out together and getting the kids a little treat, if that’s not something you’ve been able to do, I’d want to share that with him.

Unless you cannot afford to splurge £500 and you vitally need all that money - would that money allow you to buy a house, or go on holiday or pay off debts or something else

Or he’s very controlling

Or you aren’t a team / in this for the long haul

It feels like there’s some vital information missing here.

Original poster
MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 19:44

@IWantT0BreakFree exactly!! They are luxuries at the moment and I worry it makes a mockery of his careful Aldi planning. I’m not a saint in this and neither is he.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 19:45

@MoonBaby1

Thank you everyone. I think what I’ve gained from this thread is the realisation that we’ve become fragmented due to finances and my not contributing 50/50 which I managed to do with one child. I think I’ll tell him but regain some control by insisting that £500 goes towards making this year easier than the one before.
Well no, each person contributes fairly. Did you earn less and still contribute 50% with one child?

More importantly, you need to be 50/50 with decisions.

butterpuffed · 21/03/2021 19:47

It's clearer now you've said you're on the breadline., you mean he'd see things like that as an extravagance you can't afford ?

Why not tell your DH about the inheritance and suggest spending some on yourself and the dc [and him if you want to !] and saving the rest.

Love your username by the way !

luxxlisbon · 21/03/2021 19:47

My god I'd hate to live like that...

People living “on the breadline” don’t like living like that either but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get by.

venusandmars · 21/03/2021 19:47

I find it difficult to say.

I was in an financially abusive relationship many years ago, where even though we had 1,000s in the bank I wasn't 'allowed' to spend anything. If it was that then you're not unreasonable, and you should find a way to leave.

However, my best friend had a partner who had uncontrollable spending patterns, and who got them into terrible debt. As a consequence all money was controlled by my friend. What her partner saw as 'spending a few strawberries and some socks' was a tale that hid the compulsion - almost every purchase was reasonable, but put them all together and they were living seriously beyond their means.

And thirdly, you say thing money has been really tight. That does create anxiety. For you both. It seems that you would react in different ways: he would want to save everything for a rainy day, you would want to enjoy NOW the feeling a bit of relaxation on spending. The key thing though is that you need to be able to sort this out and discuss it together. Otherwise you will forever have a secret guilt. He may find out one day and then lose all trust...

Unfinished · 21/03/2021 19:47

@WilsonMilson

In a normal relationship you would be v unreasonable to keep that a secret, the hallmark of any good marriage is honesty, openness a d playing for the team financially and otherwise.

However, from what you have said, your dh is very financially controlling. It is not normal to have to sneak treats into the house for you and dc, and it’s not on that you’re ‘not allowed’ to buy from the village shop. That’s a form of abuse really, and I would say that in these circumstances you’re definitely not being unreasonable to hide the inheritance, but the fact you have to, speaks to a bigger picture in which you’re stuck in a financially abusive marriage.

I think it’s quite a step to say this is financial abuse. We don’t know their situation. OP has said they’re on the breadline unless I read that wrong? If we didn’t have enough money to comfortably feed DC and get by, and my DH was getting to be mr good guy, buying them over priced treats out of our already stretched budget, and then hiding it from me, I’d be a bit annoyed too

I’m not saying it’s not financial abuse, but without all the information it’s hard to say

gluteustothemaximus · 21/03/2021 19:48

When I've asked my kids if they knew about when we were struggling financially, my eldest answered that he knew based on the food we ate, and he knew we were doing ok when we had Ribena in the house.

EasternDailyStress · 21/03/2021 19:48

Keep £500 for you to spend on whatever. Give him the same and save the rest.

islockdownoveryet · 21/03/2021 19:49

@MoonBaby1

Thank you everyone. I think what I’ve gained from this thread is the realisation that we’ve become fragmented due to finances and my not contributing 50/50 which I managed to do with one child. I think I’ll tell him but regain some control by insisting that £500 goes towards making this year easier than the one before.
Was going to comment to say similar sounds like a good compromise.
Loopyloututu2 · 21/03/2021 19:49

We’ve really had a hard couple of years and he’s better at the food shop than me. He’d let me put some cheap chocolate on the Aldi list but buying anything from a village shop is frowned upon.

God, he sounds controlling! Keep the money in a secret bank account for your “leg-it fund”!

wonderstuff · 21/03/2021 19:49

That's what I would do, tell him but insist on some fun money, I'd offer him £500 money to splurge too.
I feel inheritance money should be discussed but the person who receives it should get the casting vote on how it's spent.

Alienchannell21 · 21/03/2021 19:50

This thread makes me happy dh and I have separate finances! Couldn't handle someone knowing the ins and outs of my spending and begrudging me nice chocolate.
But we don't have a mortgage, both work full time, and we split the bills and child related costs equally. I earn more but I'm also more generous and frivolous and like to treat my family and friends/ godchildren to things which makes me happy. He has less family, less friends and no godchildren so I would hate to be made to feel guilty about that. Horses for courses 🤷‍♀️

Herewegoagain84 · 21/03/2021 19:51

All it boils down to is a dishonest relationship. If he wouldn’t agree with how you’d want to use it then you have bigger problems.

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