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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:
BigPaperBag · 21/03/2021 19:51

YABU. How would you feel if your husband was hiding £10k from you? Looks as though you may have some relationship problems here.

OneTC · 21/03/2021 19:52

This thread makes me happy dh and I have separate finances! Couldn't handle someone knowing the ins and outs of my spending and begrudging me nice chocolate.
But we don't have a mortgage, both work full time, and we split the bills and child related costs equally. I earn more but I'm also more generous and frivolous and like to treat my family and friends/ godchildren to things which makes me happy. He has less family, less friends and no godchildren so I would hate to be made to feel guilty about that. Horses for courses

"I am constantly richer than you OP"

Fucking hell this place

OneTC · 21/03/2021 19:53

*considerably ffs Hmm

Giraffey1 · 21/03/2021 19:53

He’d let you put some cheap chocolate in the Aldi basket?!?!? What? And you let him treat you like this?

MrsWP · 21/03/2021 19:54

What you're describing isn't "a generally happy, good relationship"

Alsohuman · 21/03/2021 19:55

@BigPaperBag

YABU. How would you feel if your husband was hiding £10k from you? Looks as though you may have some relationship problems here.
She wouldn’t know, would she? Because it would be hidden.
KeyboardWorriers · 21/03/2021 19:55

@MoonBaby1

The thing is, he’s not financially abusive. He’s just bog standard tight Grin. Totally un materialistic which I admire and doesn’t buy himself new stuff either if he can help it.
Theres a fine line between the two though. DH ex was so "tight" he spiralled into depression.

I think you ought to be honest ideally, but not until you have more financial freedom within the relationship.

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/03/2021 19:56

I think keeping it secret so you can slowly fritter it away buying from the village shop instead of the supermarket without a conversation about your spending is pretty awful.

Keeping it secret so you had a running away fund should you ever need it (even if your relationship is currently great) I wouldn’t criticise, though I probably wouldn’t do it. Keeping it secret because he was bad with money I wouldn’t criticise and might do myself. Keeping it secret because he’s financially abusive I would encourage. But in none of these situations would it be a good idea to fritter it away. The only situation where I’d think what you’re doing okay would be if he had had money that he’d spent as pleased while the rest of you were having to watch your pennies (and in that situation I’d suggest you probably to make it a running away fund you used asap).

My question would be - Are the current family spending restrictions/arrangements (which you don’t really seem to agree with) something he has imposed and you are unable to challenge because he’s controlling/would be controlling/you fear him, or something he’s sort of imposed but mainly because you haven’t challenged properly or have conceded as you recognise it’s sensible but still want to spend as though you’re richer?

Druidlookingidiot · 21/03/2021 19:56

@MoonBaby1

In a generally happy, good relationship? I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

Reading your post, I believe you are in a financially abusive relationship. What do you mean, he's in charge of all food and drink bills? Don't you get a say? It's madness that feel you have to sneak stuff in. FFS socks, chocolate, a scarf? These are simple items that you should be able to buy anyway, without him having any input whatsoever, let alone not condoning it.

I'd use your money as an escape fund. Flowers

OneTC · 21/03/2021 19:57

The privilege on display is eye opening, even for Mumsnet

CeeJay81 · 21/03/2021 20:00

OP are you sure there isn't anything you are entitled to you haven't claimed? If you can't afford even the odd treat from the local shop, have you sat down to discuss your income/expenses. Have you just got very high rent or something that's putting you that close to the breadline? Obviously you've got the inheritance now which will make life easier for you both hopefully.

Ganasha · 21/03/2021 20:00

I’d be buying something from the village shop deliberately every single day and leaving the wrapper on the side in the kitchen. Everytime he raised an eyebrow I would say “the more of a problem you have with this then the more things I’m going to buy to deliberately annoy you so I suggest you get over it” how can you live like this? He’s not the boss of your marriage. Keep the money secret. Invest in wisely.

WeIcomeToGilead · 21/03/2021 20:00

Put it towards your divorce Flowers
Honestly just stash it, you sound like you’re in a terrible relationship

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/03/2021 20:00

Have just seen your update - I think that’s a good path forward.

Karwomannghia · 21/03/2021 20:01

YABU sorry. He’s trying to stick to a budget and you’re buying overpriced treats for yourself and the kids behind his back. I’d understand it if he was really controlling, is he? Or do you just not want to treat him as well? Why the secrecy? What would he say to do?

LoveCauliflowerCheese · 21/03/2021 20:02

He sounds extremely controlling OP!
Hide the money away. You might need it one day xx

Alsohuman · 21/03/2021 20:02

@OneTC

The privilege on display is eye opening, even for Mumsnet
Is it? Care to elaborate?
Alienchannell21 · 21/03/2021 20:02

@OneTC
Tbf op dripfed that they were on the breadline. That obviously changes things a lot.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 20:02

@OneTC

The privilege on display is eye opening, even for Mumsnet
I sort of agree but OP really didn't specify until recently and people do speak from their own, often yes privileged, position.
KittyKattyKate · 21/03/2021 20:04

Don’t listen to all the holier than thou responses, MoonBaby1. Please don’t tell your husband about the money - the sense of freedom it will give you is worth far, far more than the actual sum. The fact that the money is there will tremendously lessen your stress and general anxiety for a good few years - again worth far more than the money itself.

Please don’t tell him. Every woman needs a secret stash.

delilahbucket · 21/03/2021 20:06

Something s very wrong if you can inherit that amount of money and still have your DH begrudging you buying fruit and juice. I couldn't imagine keeping something like that a secret, and we would decide what to do with it together. If times were tough, why wouldn't you get to enjoy a little bit and keep some for an emergency fund?

CustardySergeant · 21/03/2021 20:07

If he's not financially abusive, is he simply very worried about money and therefore telling him about the 10K (and sharing it) would be a kind and loving thing to do?

I just wanted to put that forward to give a different perspective as there are so many LTB type responses.

Speaking for myself, I happily shared my inheritance equally with my husband. It has been a great relief for both of us not to have to worry about spending money any more. I would never dream of keeping it from him.

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 21/03/2021 20:12

I think it's impossible to say from the information given whether the OPs DH is financially abusive, or just appropriately frugal. It is hard work to follow a tight budget and a constant source of worry that can cause a lot of tension in a relationship. I do wonder about the state of a relationship where you'd consider keeping a secret of this magnitude. Consider how many posts we've seen on this board from women saying 'I have to scrimp and scrape for every grocery shop, now I've found that OH has £1000s secretly stashed away.' Its not very fair on him, is it?

MumofPsuedoAdult · 21/03/2021 20:13

I think the fact that you need to ask this question is problematic. It suggests a level of secrecy and distrust that's unhealthy in a relationship.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 21/03/2021 20:14

I can think of lots of very good reasons s to keep a windfall like this a secret but very few in a generally good happy relationship.