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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:
PurBal · 21/03/2021 19:23

Congratulations on your pay rise OP. I would tell DH, and I did when it happened to us. It was from grandparents and my grandmother used to say, when giving us birthday money or whatever "I don't want you spending it on sausages" by which she meant use it for something special not everyday expenses. And that's what we are trying to do. I know what it's like to have to choose between bread and milk so I think being honest and saying you want to use it for the children might be a good bet, otherwise it could breed resentment if he sees you're spending more than budgeted.

Notaroadrunner · 21/03/2021 19:23

Ok so you are on the breadline - that makes your Dh's annoyance more understandable. He's probably trying to keep food on the table by keeping to a strict budget and seeing you buying extra treats probably annoyed him. If you as a family are living on the breadline I think it's very unfair that you hide this money from him. You need to sit down together and work out how to put this money to good use for your family. However I wouldn't allow him to take full charge of it.

Original poster
MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 19:24

@Twobirdsinatree exactly. I think we’ve both got our drawbacks but he’s generally keen on helping us out of this rut. However he’s overzealous about it to a fault. I think due to his extremely impoverished childhood (my inner armchair psychologist coming out!!)

OP posts:
samedaydifferent · 21/03/2021 19:25

Gosh I'd not tell him anything!

He raised his eyebrows at Ribena and strawberries?
You have to sneak socks and chocolate past him? WTF who would come down on their partner for buying some socks?!

I think you really need to give your current situation some real thought OP.

StephenBelafonte · 21/03/2021 19:25

This thread reminds me of one of the first threads I ever posted on mumsnet where I said I felt really guilty for buying a shop brought sandwhich instead of making one at home.

That was about 15 years ago. We're divorced now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 19:26

Thanks so much for coming back.

OK so on the breadline means strawberries and ribena are a stretch.

Can you sit down and have a proper conversation about it, explaining that your choice is to fritter £500 and save the rest. How would he react?

GoLightlyontheEarth · 21/03/2021 19:26

@samedaydifferent

Gosh I'd not tell him anything!

He raised his eyebrows at Ribena and strawberries?
You have to sneak socks and chocolate past him? WTF who would come down on their partner for buying some socks?!

I think you really need to give your current situation some real thought OP.

Someone who is very worried about money?
SunshineCake · 21/03/2021 19:26

You should use the money to leave. If he won't let you buy the kids juice and fruit or you chocolate...

murbblurb · 21/03/2021 19:27

while strawberries in March (if in the UK) are clearly a waste of money, something not right here. Are you a money fritterer? Is he controlling? I can't make it out.

buying on Amazon is also pricey and wasteful, especially if someone is going to a real shop. If you've had financial hard times I can see his point. If he is controlling I can see yours

If possible, talk like married adults who share finances and responsibilities?

supernova89 · 21/03/2021 19:27

Hell no would I ever keep anything like that from my DH. I would be so pissed off if the tables were turned. You need to speak to your husband and make your wishes clear regarding wanting to splash a little bit of it. Your husband should respect your wishes.

Adifferentstory2 · 21/03/2021 19:28

It’s probably unfair on paper, but I think you should do what feels right for you. I totally understand why you’ve hidden it. Wanting to spend £500 when you’ve had a hard time, you both work hard etc is utterly reasonable. I’m a saver by nature, but there has to be a balance and enjoyment of life (simple things like strawberries and ribena). It’s perhaps unfortunate that you and your husband aren’t able to come to this conclusion together - but again, I get it, my husband would be the same. You’re not being unreasonable at all.

elfies · 21/03/2021 19:29

Its very unreasonable that you have to feel sneaky to buy chocolate and fruit . It seems a very unbalanced relationship , so maybe in the future you'll need the backup this money gives you .
He's your husband, not your dad . Please try to find a better balance

NextDoorKnobber · 21/03/2021 19:30

@BIWI

Sounds like your issue here isn't about the inheritance, but with a husband who is financially controlling.

On that basis, I'd definitely be squirelling as much money away as possible!

THis.
GoLightlyontheEarth · 21/03/2021 19:30

My father was like this with my mother. She didn’t work and he controlled all the money. She said to me she couldn’t even buy chocolate for herself. Both her mother and mother in law were horrified by her being ‘kept on a shoestring’. However, they really were very hard up and my mother Was clueless about budgeting. My father was controlling, but he was trying to look after the family. Later in life they were much better off and had a good life. I think some people have no idea what it is to be this hard up and so just judge by their own standards. Out of season strawberries are something many people can’t afford.

Crabwoman · 21/03/2021 19:30

WTF. No I wouldn't hide it from my husband, but then I wouldn't hide strawberries, chocolate or socks from him either. Because they are totally normal purchases.

There's tight and there's aresehole tight and yours seems like the latter...

Twobirdsinatree · 21/03/2021 19:31

@MoonBaby1 I think you just have to bite the bullet and tell him. Its not respectful to keep it from him even if he is uptight about money. He is supposed to be your partner. The thing to do is to have a clear idea about what you want to do with it so that you can tell him..
I do feel for you because I lived in poverty for a long time and so I absolutely know that feeling of suddenly having money and the freedom of knowing its just yours and you can do whatever you want with it... you can just get a coffee from the cafe on the way home, you dont have to worry.. you can buy yourself a new lipstick if you like without feeling guilty...
And I know telling him might put a dampner on that feeling of control that you get that you haven't had for a long time whilst you've been having to scrimp and save.... but you know its not right to keep something like this from your partner.. you really should discuss it together. Just make sure you tell him that you want to use some of it to just make life a bit easier and more fun for a while rather than saving it all.

Cowbells · 21/03/2021 19:32

I wouldn't keep it a secret. But I might present it as: I have inherited 10k. I've decided to spend X amount on treats for the family each year and of we can invest the bulk of it in an ISA or Premium bonds etc.

I inherited an amount a bit larger than that a year ago and thought about squirrelling it away, as DH has a lot more pension and savings than I have. But actually I got massive pleasure from saying we can now afford to update various parts of the house that had been falling apart.

yoyo1234 · 21/03/2021 19:32

@Moonbaby1 do you think the budgeting has been your DH's way of helping the family? Well done on your promotion.
There have been times when I have been entertaining myself and DC on £1 a day.DH and I are always open about finances and Ribena and strawberries would have been huge treats at times-however I would never have felt the need to "hide" it from DH ( we were both very knowledgeable of our precarious situation and even now when it is less precarious if shopping I would come back and say eg I spent £3 here etc).
For me the telling my DH about spending is also due to witnessing the secretive behaviour I see others exhibit eg between my parents growing up (generally my mum towards my dad) and my in-laws to each other.

GoLightlyontheEarth · 21/03/2021 19:33

I should add that my mother inherited some money when I was about 12. It was spent on holidays and bikes for us. There is no way my mother would have kept it secret.

Ginger1982 · 21/03/2021 19:33

You clearly don't know what a good, happy relationship is because if you think you're in one and need to sneak the items you've described into the house, you're mistaken. Your DH sounds like an abusive twat.

I have received an inheritance and consider it 'ours' to be used for us both and our DS. I can't imagine not telling my DH but then I don't need a running away fund and it sounds as though you might well do.

listsandbudgets · 21/03/2021 19:34

I was all ready to say you were being unreasonable and then I read your post.

Strawberries, ribena, chocolates and socks... you have to sneak them into the house? Its hardly caviar and champagne is it. To be honest unless things are so tight you're down to planning every last penny then they are pretty normal things to buy.

Keep it. You either need to find a way to confront him about his financial bullying or leave him. This level of control is not normal.

Sorry OP.

LadyLolaRuben · 21/03/2021 19:35

If I was in the type of relationship you describe, I'd not tell him and keep it all to myself. Enjoy spending some of it on you and your children OP and put the rest away for a rainy day x

seensome · 21/03/2021 19:35

Keep it, save it
This is what I love about being divorced from a financially controlling exh, I can now spend on myself without feeling guilty.

AliceMcK · 21/03/2021 19:36

Hhhmmm I can’t decide if he’s financially controlling or just controlling the finances tightly because you as a family need it, given you have said you have had a difficult couple of years.

I completely control what our money is spent on, even if it’s sat in an account in my DHs name. He is totally shit and has no concept of the cost of things and is also too lazy to shop around. He will happily go to one shop and buy everything on the list I give him and not even think about the costs of various brands or that he could buy something cheaper else where. Where as I will go to various shops for our shopping to make sure we aren’t wasting money unnecessarily. For example he will buy 6 individual bottles of lucazade in the supermarket because they are in front of him at £1.40 rather than looking for a pack of 6 for £3 or £4...

If I saw my DH disposing of a that rubbish...😂 that made me laugh, he’d never dispose of it 😂 I’d be pissed of if he’d just bought a small snack tub from a convenience store for the same price as a big tub from the supermarket if we were struggling financially. I get pissed off with him for buying bottles of water for the DCs when out and about instead of filling their water bottles at home or worse leaving the ones I’ve filled on the side after I’ve asked him to put them in the car with the snacks, which he has also forgotten to put in the car. I have no problem buying extra stuff when we are happily in the black, but I will clamp down on what money is spent on when we need to.

I think you need to decide op if he really is just acting in the best interest of the family or is he actually controlling you. Personally I couldn’t keep that a secret from my DH, but my DH would have no problem with me keeping it for me.

BoJoHoNo · 21/03/2021 19:36

I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU? If you explained this to him, do you think he would be ok with it or give you a hard time? £500 out of £10k really isn't a lot and you'd still be saving a hefty sum.

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