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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:
Twobirdsinatree · 21/03/2021 19:02

this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Of course you shoukd tell your husband you've inherited 10k!! But equally he shouldn't be begrudging you buying some chocolate or refusing to discuss what you want to do with the money and insisting on investing it...
But really you need to come clean and have this conversation with him. Clearly state what you want to do with this money. Discuss things with him... he does have the right to know... he doesnt have the right to tell you what to do with it.

Equimum · 21/03/2021 19:05

Personally, I wouldn’t hide it from my DH, but then again, he wouldn’t question me buying a few nice things with our joint money. For me, the fact that you are spending the money on relative basics and getting raised eyebrows is more concerning.

WisnaeMe · 21/03/2021 19:05

You're doing the right thing for you and your Child OP 🌺

yoyo1234 · 21/03/2021 19:06

I would tell my DH. It also sounds like you have had a lot of financial issues going on (not shopping at village shops etc-I assume this is due needing to budget). I know some households really need to watch their money especially right now (is DH worried about work?). Strawberries, chocolate and Ribena from a village shop, could easily be a tenner.

Tequilamockinbird · 21/03/2021 19:06

Buying something from the village shop is frowned upon? And you're hiding strawberry cartons and ribena bottles?Hmm

It's your money. Use the £10k to LTB.

WhentheDealGoesDown · 21/03/2021 19:06

I would probably tell him but as it is your inheritance, you tell him how you want it spent as this is extra money anyway and probably who left it to you would want you to have a few little treats

Susie477 · 21/03/2021 19:08

I did tell DP that I inherited a bigger sum than £10k a few years ago. He wasn’t particularly interested in what I planned to do with it, but that’s not surprising because he knows that if he ever criticised what I spend my money on, he would get a very blunt two-word response.

Mellonsprite · 21/03/2021 19:08

@Ladderclimber

You’re showing your privilege that you don’t think strawberries in March or socks off Amazon are unnecessarily expensive luxuries.
Jesus, I bought some strawberries for £1.49 from Asda last week and I’m on a budget. I saved more than that by being careful and planning my meals. We don’t know what socks they are, but if the OP is stressing about buying a Ribena, I’ll bet a pound they weren’t £150 Gucci ones.
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 19:08

FFS OP just clarify!

KingdomScrolls · 21/03/2021 19:08

I would tell DH straight away, but he doesn't tell me what I can and can't buy...

FatAnneTheDealer · 21/03/2021 19:09

If you can't buy strawberries, ribena, chocolates, socks and a scarf now and then (assuming it isn't £100 Hermes scarf), then your DH is financially abusive. Controlling finances to that level (ribena ffs!) and checking what packets you are throwing away, or whether you are going to the village shop which might cost a few pennies more, instead of the supermarket, is practically the definition of financial abuse.

As others have said, never mind socks, you may very well need exit money. Put the £500 in your account for the kinds for the "treats" you are missing (socks!) and put the rest of the money in a nice little cash ISA in your own name. You might never need it. All might be well with DH, and sometime in the future you can surprise him with a holiday or new carpets or a kitchen upgrade or whatever you both fancy.

But given what you have said, I would keep it squirrelled away for a good long time. The fact that you are even thinking of hiding this legacy from him suggests that some part of you recognises the financial abuse. It's real.

nancywhitehead · 21/03/2021 19:09

In a good, happy relationship you wouldn't feel the need to hide it.

iluvpickles · 21/03/2021 19:09

I absolutely would not keep it a secret and usually find it weird that someone would. The only circumstance where is keep it secret would be if I were planning to leave. At the end of the day though it's MY inheritance so it would be up to me how it's spent. We might talk about what to do with it but if we wanted different things at the end o the day it's mine so my choice!

With u keeping it a secret it sounds to me like u won't be allowed to do what u want with it which isn't right and maybe u shld keep it as an escape fund!

Biscoffontoast · 21/03/2021 19:12

‘He’d let me put some cheap chocolate on the Aldi list but buying anything from a village shop is frowned upon’

Let you?! My first reaction upon reading your post was to say that you are wrong to hide your inheritance in a happy, equal partnership where you share finances, but your husband sounds financially abusive. In your shoes I would hide it and make sure you keep a substantial amount saved in case you need to leave him at any point.

I inherited a large (six figure) sum from a loved one last year and have told my husband about the inheritance but not the exact amount. However, our marriage has been up and down over the years and we have also never shared finances. I have always been financially independent from him and can’t imagine anything different.

Original poster
MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 19:13

Sorry @MrsTerryPratchett and everyone. Busy evening. We’re on the breadline. We don’t own a house and we do have to watch money . But I got a decent pay rise (£2000 annually) so things are on the up.

OP posts:
FTEngineerM · 21/03/2021 19:14

He’s not ‘just right’ if you can’t buy strawberries without a raised eyebrow. But that’s a separate issue here.

No, I absolutely wouldn’t hide any amount of money I’d come into from DP. Firstly I’d probably be relieved and want to tell my life partner I now have a massive safety net. Secondly because if you’re married/share mortgages/bank accounts your credit reports are linked therefore 100% honesty is necessary. I couldn’t bare it if finances were hidden.

FTEngineerM · 21/03/2021 19:14

Right = tight

Original poster
MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 19:16

I’m still wading through replies. I’m a bit shocked as I’m usually a boring thread killer so I’m not just not answering!

OP posts:
Brunt0n · 21/03/2021 19:17

I wouldn’t hide money from my husband.

I’d hide it from yours though, he sounds like a controlling dick. Use the money to leave him!

Midlifephoenix · 21/03/2021 19:18

'He'd let' you? No wonder you want to keep it to yourself!
My husband earned about 20 times what I did and never ever made me feel like he was 'letting' me buy stuff. Big items (like a TV) were discussed, but I did the shopping (he paid the credit card). He didn't care what I put on it. Not like I was out there buying designer handbags (which I wouldn't even if I was a millionaire).
I think you have a controlling husband.

MixedUpFiles · 21/03/2021 19:19

We used to have to hide that my mother had purchased us basics like socks. That’s because my father was an abusive and she should have left him so we could have had at least half of our lives in a home where we didn’t have to worry that something as trivial as having a small supply of clothing in our size didn’t cause an argument.

longdressed · 21/03/2021 19:19

@MoonBaby1

The thing is, he’s not financially abusive. He’s just bog standard tight Grin. Totally un materialistic which I admire and doesn’t buy himself new stuff either if he can help it.
Yes but you can't even buy your kids fruit without hiding the packaging. He is financially abusive.
ballsdeep · 21/03/2021 19:19

I'd be more concerned that buying your child strawberries is seen as a treat!!!!

Twobirdsinatree · 21/03/2021 19:21

I think if you are living hand to mouth usually that makes things a bit different... its not financially abusive for him to worry about buying ribena from the local shop if you are actually struggling to pay bills...
In this case I really think you should tell him because how would you feel if you spent time being worried about making ends meet but your partner had ten grand the entire time and didn't tell you? I think that would be very hurtful.
I think you just need to be assertive about how you want to use this money when you tell him.... I think you are just worried he will convince you to invest it and not spend it... and maybe he has a point if you are renting etc... but even so he doesnt get the final say in this however you are a team and you shoukd decide what to do with it together and compromise... you should definitely be allowed to treat yourself to some extent but it may also be a good idea to consider saving some of it to maybe help with buying a house one day or something..
I just think this is a conversation you need to sit down and have with your husband

Usagi12 · 21/03/2021 19:22

Personally I wouldn't hide it but I don't need to, I understand why some women do. You do what makes you feel comfortable xxx