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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:
hbcrfvr · 22/03/2021 19:10

This is a difficult one. I think the biggest issue here first and foremost is why would anyone need to 'hide' money from their partner? You are obviously being made to feel guilt for buying stuff so you are then hiding it. Thats not healthy. Even if one partner brings in more than the other you are a unit and both earners for the household. To stop one or the other from making 'judgement' about who spends what, why don't you decide on a monthly budget for each of you so you can buy stuff you want without asking him then you both have some freedom to make buying decisions that you individually want to make...good luck it sounds like you need to press 'reset' on the way you work your money out together instead of gong down the slippery slope of deceit xx

singledadstu · 22/03/2021 19:11

It doesn’t sound right to me personally. I would have been gutted if my late wife had hid money from me as I never hid it from her .. two way street .
However, I don’t like the fact you seem worried about spending on treats etc . It doesn’t sound like you’ve got equal footing

BigFatLiar · 22/03/2021 19:11

on the other hand, they're on the breadline and she's buying secret treats for herself and the kids when they're barely covering basics

His job to cover the basics.
She's the fun mum he's the controlling bad dad.

Time they swapped roles.

Everydayyoungmum · 22/03/2021 19:11

My nan use to say that you should keep an account with "run away" money in, that your partner/ husband, doesn't about. That way if for whatever reason you need to pack everything and leave you can. Just food for thought.

I personally would take out what you feel appropriate and put it into a bank account. I would then tell him that you inherited the money.
If you don't want to give him any then don't, thats up to you it your money.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 22/03/2021 19:14

None of this sounds healthy to me. I can't believe you are fretting about buying Ribena!

In answer to your question, I wouldn't hesitate to tell my husband. We are very open with each other when it comes to money. Our marriage is a partnership.

BigFatLiar · 22/03/2021 19:16

You are obviously being made to feel guilt for buying stuff so you are then hiding it.

Theres no indication she's being made to feel guilty just that she obviously does feel guilty.
Nothing to say that he wouldn't be fine with it, She presumed he'd be annoyed without actually giving him the chance to express an opinion.

suggestionsplease1 · 22/03/2021 19:17

You're in a marriage, you have to work together as a team, not against each other which seems to be what you may on the verge of doing.

I think OH is getting a hard time considering the sheer lack of information posters have - there could be a lot of debts that need paid off, OP might have had a £5 a day coffee and sweets from the shop habit - £150 a month, which was making life really hard on a very low income etc etc. Granted that is pure speculation, but so is the speculation about the OH!

If I was busting a gut trying to get my family out of debt and to a better place and my OH decided to conceal something that might help us get to that position I'd be very disappointed - and that old cliche that gets trotted out on mumsnet - if the sexes were reversed what would people think then?

Wife trying hard to get her family finances back on track, she's presently breadwinner, her and her husband both aware that he's a bit frivolous and have mutually decided that she takes care of things like shopping as she can get it in within budget so they can plan for nice things in the future. He gets a lump sum and squirrels it away, moaning to his friends that his wife always raises an eyebrow when he gets something a bit frivolous so he has to keep it secret....that would be a ltb for a lot of posters I reckon.

The fact that someone feels guilty or knows their partner will raise an eyebrow doesn't inherently mean it is an abusive or controlling situation, although is some circumstances it can certainly help build the picture if that is going on. However sometimes it can also be an indication that a partner knows their OH is trying really hard to get the family financial situation in order and they're holding back a sum to themselves that might help with those larger financial goals. That would make a lot of people feel guilty too.

JackieTheFart · 22/03/2021 19:21

For £10k I might not tell him, because that would clear about half the personal debt we have (all in my name as I’ve been the only one working for a long time). But I wouldn’t be squirrelling it like you are.

I probably would though and he’d agree to pay stuff off. He’s generally amenable to my money ideas.

QuornSausagesAreTheDevilsPenis · 22/03/2021 19:27

@MoonBaby1

In a generally happy, good relationship? I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

That you have to keep the little things like Ribena and socks secret does not say to me you have a "generally good relationship". I wouldn't even consider hiding this from my husband and would be disappointed to say the very least if he kept it from me.

I'll read the rest of your posts now op.

silverbubbles · 22/03/2021 19:32

If you are not telling us that the reason you husband keeps such a close eye on your spending is because you have run up debt and money burns a hole in your pocket or that you are in debt then YABU.

If this is not the case then he sounds like a real kill joy and you should keep the money for yourself.

He is bound to find out though - then what will happen?

wusbanker · 22/03/2021 19:33

What's the point you paying for strawberries out of your secret money and letting him see the rubbish? He'll just assume he's paid for it so he may as well have Confused

ChelleMum85 · 22/03/2021 19:43

@MoonBaby1

We’ve really had a hard couple of years and he’s better at the food shop than me. He’d let me put some cheap chocolate on the Aldi list but buying anything from a village shop is frowned upon.
Are you aware that this behaviour is financial abuse and it's illegal?

If you're not allowed to buy food or drink without permission, you're in a controlling, abusive relationship.

I think you need to seek help from CAB, Family and Friends...possibly Women's Aide, too.

scubadive · 22/03/2021 19:45

Your marriage is a problem, why would he make you save it. Why dies he get to decide?

Is it because he’s the higher earner so he has the power? What about your unpaid work?

How on earth do you need to hide buying strawberries, ribena, socks and chocolate. What sort of dictatorship do you live under? What sort of budget do you normally have to manage on? Are you really so financially stretched?

The fact that you feel the need to hide you inheritance should set alarm bells ringing. This is not a healthy relationship.

m0therofdragons · 22/03/2021 19:51

I can’t imagine being with a man who didn’t buy me my favourite chocolate and only allowed cheap stuff. I give my dc more choice than that. Even in the days money was tight no one would control my access to money that much.

When I inherited money I paid for a conservatory, car and bought myself a laptop. But my dh is lovely and I’m happy to share.

hedgehoginthebag · 22/03/2021 19:52

I have no problem hiding my money from the hubster. Or hiding purchases. Its kind of a bit of a game between us. Especially when we downsized the house recently. Its amazing what you can shove under the bed ha ha

Lanique · 22/03/2021 19:56

Of course I wouldn't want to hide it from dh. I was delighted to pay a very sizeable inheritance sum into our shared mortgage recently. I have kept 10 percent of it aside for myself to invest, he knows this and has no problem with it. But then I'm given free rein with our joint, and my own, finances.

Folklore9074 · 22/03/2021 19:57

I wouldn't keep it a secret but at the same time it would be my inheritance to do what I wanted with. I wouldn't feel I needed to put it in a joint account or report on what I was going to do with it in any way.

Sounds really odd to me that you'd be 'sneaking' fruit and drinks for your children. Perhaps you need a bit more frankness around money in your relationship.

Fluffmum · 22/03/2021 20:13

I wouldn’t tell anyone to be honest.

numberoneson · 22/03/2021 20:30

I'd never have hidden any inheritance from my late husband, but then I had every reason to adore, admire and trust him implicitly and he was the most generous-spirited person I ever knew. But I chose YANBU because your husband, despite you saying you had a tough two years financially, sounds like a controlling a-hole. If he's policing your shopping, then something's NOT " a generally happy, good relationship".

Eowyn78 · 22/03/2021 20:30

@MoonBaby1

The thing is, he’s not financially abusive. He’s just bog standard tight Grin. Totally un materialistic which I admire and doesn’t buy himself new stuff either if he can help it.
Is he Northern? I was married to a Northerner and he was tight too. But then he found money for us to go on holidays etc. I'm a terrible spendaholic so I did trust him to make good financial decisions, which he did for the family. If this is the case it may be worth having that chat with him, telling him about the inheritance and deciding together what is the best thing to do. Investing it may be a good idea.
waitingpatientlyforspring · 22/03/2021 20:33

I never would as we share all money. However my dh would never begrudge me buying any of those things.

cuparfull · 22/03/2021 20:45

I do feel many people on here have no idea of what having a really HARD time financially means.
It is not having access to overdrafts, not having a credit card as a fallback. Not having a credit history. Paying for day to day items in cash. Only ever buying cheap clothes or 2nd hand clothes. Its knowing where every penny is going....
It's dire having to mentally account for each and every penny spent to ensure never buying beyond what is NEEDED.
Having been in similar situation for a period it's just awful and if one partner is keeping the financial records/keeping it all together and its incumbent on both partners to cooperate in spending as little as possible.
We only hear one side of the story but it takes cooperation to drag yourselves out of the mire... painful experience from the 2008 financial crash!

Chanjer · 22/03/2021 20:49

MiddleclassNet trundles on Hmm

Yourcatisnotsorry · 22/03/2021 20:55

Everything about this is U. Either massive back story or he is incredibly controlling and your relationship is unhealthy. ‘Normal’ couples don’t hide inheritances from each other.

Twoforthree · 22/03/2021 21:00

@Calmdown14

Your husband's attitude depends on how tight money actually is. If the food budget is £50 and going over that puts you into an overdraft then raising an eyebrow over spending a fiver of it on two items is totally understandable. If you have hundreds left over each month perhaps not. I can't really see how if you plan to save £9500 your husband can really object but will this actually be the case or do you have form for frittering? Personally I think if the tables were turned and it was an OP trying to eek out a food budget every week and to then found out the husband had a secret 10k the responses would be very different
If he's really got the families best interests at heart and money is as tight as you say, then telling him and insisting on the £500 for luxuries is a good compromise. He might actually be really pleased with this, as the other £9,500 will take a huge weight off his shoulders and he'll enjoy the extra treats more because of the back up money.

If he still moans, you ready do have a dh/marriage problem.