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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 18:22

I think OP is getting a horribly tough time on here. 🌺

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 22/03/2021 18:24

Her stingy partner is getting the hard time.rightly so. He curtails op choices
His behaviour is controlling. Thrift and good money management isn’t about control

Hereiam2 · 22/03/2021 18:25

I would not be happy to be contributing to the household finances but having to hide the fact I have bought such small items as strawberries and ribena for the children , it's ludicrous, you earn and contribute so your husband should not have a problem with this, sounds like he's quite controlling with you, I would save that money to escape him with the kids..

Idontcareboutthestateofmyhair · 22/03/2021 18:26

You can't buy chocolate or socks FFS! Tell him nothing..that is controlling behaviour. Keep it for a rainy day for you and your kids

Singlenotsingle · 22/03/2021 18:28

LTB. Who is he to say you can't buy a few bits of cheap treats, whether it's from your inheritance money or from your own salary? "Frowned on?" Wtf?

diamondpony80 · 22/03/2021 18:34

I'm not sure I'd consider a situation where my DH raised his eyebrows at me buying strawberries and ribena for the DC a "happy, good relationship". If you have to ask to buy something as small as socks, some chocolate and a scarf, then it sounds like your DH is very controlling and possibly financially abusive. Where's the happiness in that?

If it were me, in my situation I'd tell my DH about the inheritance. I know I'd be free to decide where it went (within reason) because the money was left to me. He knows I'd probably keep it for the kids education or something like that anyway.

In your situation? No way would I be telling him. I'd be keeping it in a secret "get away" account. I couldn't be married to someone who controls my spending to the point where I don't even have the freedom to buy myself a bar of chocolate or pair of socks. That would be a deal breaker for me.

ionlyasked · 22/03/2021 18:35

I think I would keep it secret, if my husband was so controlling.
My mother always used to say you should have some money of your own stashed away. She called it your running away money

Itsokthanks · 22/03/2021 18:36

Something sounds very wrong with your relationship if buying basic everyday items is an issue.

jillb55 · 22/03/2021 18:37

I agree with many of the other posters. He sounds like a controlling arse and needs telling. I cannot imagine my husband telling me not to buy chocolate or strawberries. Good grief!

impossible · 22/03/2021 18:37

Tell him as obviously money is an issue if he's concerned about ribena and strawberries.

Perhaps you could allocate £500 to each of you to fritter and save the rest - or less to fritter and some more for a family holiday.

If you found he had a secret stash would you mind. If so you certainly need to tell him.

BigFatLiar · 22/03/2021 18:43

Perhaps time to change around and let OP manage the budget and he can keep some cash for himself for his spending.

Lifestyleinlondon88 · 22/03/2021 18:47

I’d say you were unreasonable until you said he raised his eyebrows at strawberries - now I can see why you’ve done it. Have fun OP!

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 22/03/2021 18:49

@ionlyasked

I think I would keep it secret, if my husband was so controlling. My mother always used to say you should have some money of your own stashed away. She called it your running away money
Sage advice that I agree with Every woman should have her own money, just in case money None of this we or family money guff. Your own stash. I was also given same advice and yes I have separate finances and just in case money There’s no we, no nonsense about being a family with shared finances. There’s no me in we
theirishDH · 22/03/2021 18:49

Please consider whether it is a sign of other issues in the relationship. It sounds extremely unhealthy that you are hiding things from him. I would suggest that you consider getting relationship counselling.

Overcastcloudy · 22/03/2021 18:53

If you value your marriage, you will not keep the £10k secret. You may not value it over your financial freedom - that may well be the right choice for you.

He MAY be controlling. I would hope that you two came up with the 'Aldi budget' together and that you both agreed to stick to it until X time had passed or X amount had been saved or repaid.

At the moment, you are buying treats and he has no idea how. He thinks that you are breaking the budget that you both agreed to. (At least I hope you did.) I think he has a right to be irritated about that.

The only line that worried me was, He's better at the food shopping. Huh? What do you mean? It's not rocket science; it's a food shop. Would you spend more? Is that justified and financially sound? Do you disagree with his budget? It's your home and your money, too (because you are married and in this together). The budget for food needs to be agreed together, not imposed.

You both need to reconnect about finances.

sobby · 22/03/2021 18:55

'"He let you "?

sobby · 22/03/2021 18:57

"He let you "

We’ve really had a hard couple of years and he’s better at the food shop than me. He’d let me put some cheap chocolate on the Aldi list but buying anything from a village shop is frowned upon.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 19:01

If you have both 0 free money at the end to the extent that he's raising eyebrows over fruit and a drink then you stowing 10k to spend on you and the kids does not suggest a healthy dynamic.

If you want an escape fund, then tell him you inherited 5k. Suggest you spend a few £200 each on replacing essentials where needed, put some into savings and use a small set budget for treats occasionally.

Izzy24 · 22/03/2021 19:03

Our finances are completely separate. We share bills apart from one thing which I pay as it is totally non-essential. I would expect we would each keep the inheritance but probably tell the other and maybe treat to a holiday or whatever with part of it.

But we don’t have any children. I think in your situation this makes a huge difference because your finances are already shared.

The problem, as others have said, is your lack of voice.

LowlandLucky · 22/03/2021 19:03

Don't you have an escape fund ? If you don't you need to keep the money secret.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 19:03

@Lifestyleinlondon88

I’d say you were unreasonable until you said he raised his eyebrows at strawberries - now I can see why you’ve done it. Have fun OP!
on the other hand, they're on the breadline and she's buying secret treats for herself and the kids when they're barely covering basics
SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 19:05

however i do agfree that you're lack of a voice is worrying - you aren't obliged to do as you're told like one of the kids. if you want to save 9.5k and enjoy the rest, it isn't his place to permit you

BigFatLiar · 22/03/2021 19:07

If things are back on the up you should take over the budget as he's got you through the tough times and now you can be seen as the good guy with the extras.

I think he also needs an escape fund as if things don't stay on the up then you may be buying the little extras that lead to debt and after struggling he may want out if that happens.

Youmakemewannashout · 22/03/2021 19:08

I find it quite sad that you don’t want to share your good fortune with your husband. If the tables were turned would he let you know? Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the ‘my money/ his money’ aspect of your partnership and instead consider that you chose to be together so should work as a team.

jbee1979 · 22/03/2021 19:09

I can't vote, because I want to say you aren't being unreasonable - but I don't know why you're skint. I also am skint, so no judgement! I budget our money really carefully, and my husband saves what he can. We're skint because child, childcare, loss of earnings when I went part time, family bereavement and a really bad job decision on my behalf. It won't be this way forever. If we were skint because either of us had been frivolous with money, that would be the decider. If we're both managing as a family and separately, I'd tell him but squirrel it away for a deposit for a house. If he was bad with money, I'd keep it to myself, buy some shoes and put the rest away as an escape fund should it be necessary. If I was bad with money, I'd pay off my secret debt, and give him the rest for the family savings. I'd be really annoyed if he was the one who inherited and I was choosing between food for us or shoes for the child, because £500 over the next 12 months is £40 a month that could help us both sleep better ❤️

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