Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

[MoonBaby1]

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

That’s meant to say live like this !

Personally when I inherited 6k I told DP immediately and we put it towards a deposit and then bought a house together. If I inherited anything else I'd tell him immediately and I know he'd tell me.

However, we both shop for any food we want and there are no restrictions either side whatever we want to buy, although obviously we discuss big purchases. I think in your circumstances YANBU though.

@Arnold106 stop being so bloody superior.

If you can't fathom anything outside of your experience then at least don't troll hunt.

My grandmother always said have a little stash of your own for a rainy day. Mines in a bank account at my mams address 😳

Keep it a secret
And while you’re at it start squirrelling away money wherever you can......if you ever need a back up/escape plan your future self will thank you for it.

If your DH is in charge of the food and drinks bill, what are you in charge of?
Money is a sticky issue in relationships and sadly can end them if not handled well.
I understand the budget is tight when you have to work part time. But I don't think it is good for you to feel you have to sneak rubbish out so he doesn't raise eyebrows. Also, socks are a necessity, not a luxury.
It's also not good in a relationship to keep a significant inheritance from your other half. You took vows to share your life with him and that means sharing good fortune.
Now might be a good time you sit down with your DH and talk about finances and how they are managed in the household. A good marriage is all about good communication. Talk about your feelings about it all and ask him how he feels about the current set up. He may have a good reason for being so fugal at the moment that you don't know about. Discuss what your shared vision of the future is. Are you both saving for home improvements or a big family holiday?

If it was me I would keep the money a secret and put it in an ISA or better still NS&I Bonds. Then when you have worked out the financial situation of the household that you are both comfortable with and you are both happy with a shared vision/dream for something then tell him you have this money as a pleasant surprise.

This does depend on his personality type and if he is happy with surprises or if it would anger him that you have kept it a secret. Only you can discern that.

However, if he talks in such a way that is too controlling and not respectful to your needs than you may need to seek some outside support.

Let us know how it works out.

Mind your own business ! How’s that superior ? You stop being so naive !

Dont tell him! Keep it for a rainy day. He may leave you or insist in buying a season ticket ...goodness knows. He already sounds freakishly tight with money. I inherited £3000 from an old friend years ago and luckily never told my now ex. Came in handy when he left me with 2 kids and nothing more.

My OH took us on holiday when he got an inheritance and kept the rest in his own name for his personal use. About £4k on holiday, he kept about £50k that I have no idea what he's done with. So I assume if I get an inheritance he will be happy with me keeping the majority for myself.

I think the issue is that the original post is not very clear about the family's financial situation and the reason for "no treats" riel. And unless your read the whole thread (I DIDN'T!) you don't get the full picture. I wish I did read it all, as my comment seems completely irrelevant now and lost the context. I'm sorry things have been tough, OP!

@WhereamI88. Abusive arsehole? He a tight arse. Steady on tossing the compliments about doll. Hes not a bad man hes just got a tight reign on the money which can be sorted

When my parents died I was completely honest about inheriting £12,000 and when my great uncle died two years later I inherited £65,000 my husband helped me to invest some of the money and put the other away for holidays, bills and anything else I might need in future, my husband is 22 years older than me and sometimes has almost victorian views, but he would never tell me I couldn’t spend any of the money I have. Try to see both sides. And yes, do spend some on little luxuries.

Keep the money lose the husband you will never be sorry 🤑

"He's not financially abusive just bog standard tight"

I'm sorry but too many people write off financial abuse as just being tight/sensible/cautious with money.

If you feel you have to hide basics such as socks/strawberries/chocolate and your only allowed to put what he permits on the shopping list then yes that is abusive:your income is joint:you may be getting less in wages but I'm assuming you also get tax credits/child benefit.Also if your part time I'm assuming you do the lions share of childcare/cooking/cleaning/laundry etc

You do realise you're an adult and you're allowed to have a say in things:your not allowed to buy anything from the village shop?;are you 12 and he's your dad?

It's also controlling tbh.

The fact you feel you have to conceal this money also rises a red flag;I think you're frightened he'll take the money and decide it must go on/towards X,Y&Z and you won't get a choice in the matter.

I'm betting he's a sulker if he doesn't get his own way too

This sounds like a complex situation. I think maybe tell him about the inheritance and suggest that you sock £9000 away and spend £1000 this year on things you have not been able to afford the past few years -- maybe £300 for each of you for whatever you like, and £400 for things for the children/family. Keep a little tally so he feels you are sticking to the plan, but no arguing about or criticising how the other one's personal allowance is spent.

Being thrifty is different from being controlling. He’s controlling & overbearing, he limits your choices
Time for you to assert yourself and your individual right to chose some consumer goods
I actually think some money of your own is a good idea,none of this us, family money guff

Why do you feel you have to hide it when you're buy strawberries for the kids or a bit of chocolate for yourself?

If I inherited any money my DH would be told, and we would decide together what to do with it. Same as if he inherited anything. But then he has never, ever told me off for buying anything or "raised eyebrows" at any of my purchases or tried to control my spending in any way.

For anyone saying how controlling it is to have restrictive spending, if it’s because the bills aren’t being paid and money is tight for both of them equally then it’s very different.

Strawberries can be a comparatively expensive fruit, in comparison to a packet of value apples or pears and it’s easy enough to eat a punnet quickly where as it’s unusual to eat two apples or two pears. I got a bag of small pears for 57p which contained 6 I think.

Anything from the local shop is more expensive that a supermarket let alone if he normally shops in Aldi or Lidl.

I wonder how many of the posters saying it’s abusive to raise an eyebrow at what could be deemed an expensive purchase, have every had to budget or risk not paying a bill? Not to mention he could have been thinking other things such as I wonder why they didn’t say me any or perhaps thinkimy I don’t remember buying those maybe I’m going nuts or doesn’t she realise we are in lockdown do they count as worth the risk of exposure. Who knows? He might not have been querying the cost, with one raised eyebrow it’s hard to say for certain.

To a family on the breadline that £10k might clear debts and let the husband sleep at night. Only the OP knows how skint they are, but has said that they are on the breadline.

Ok, we’re older, but we’ve always pooled all our money- although I manage the bank accounts as he is hopeless with money. We both manage to buy just about what we like . Please please sort this issue out with your husband. It’s not acceptable that he has so much control. I echo others; keep it as a your money for the future. An alternative would be to open ICAs for children - and then tell him!

It's sounds controlling if he is raising eyebrows at you buying treats. I would have told mine and said I wanted to use it to buy treats. Open a treats bank account for it and use it for nice things and take outs etc. I think you need to tell and see how he reacts.

My stbxh didn't tell me about the huuuuge amount he inherited or how much he was hiding away. Found out once divorce proceedings started and bet he wishes he had shared now. Keep it, put it as one where safe, always have some money of your own but then I'm rather bitter at the moment!

YANBU
If I was in a relationship like yours I would keep the money as a 'running away' fund.
Seriously, he seems very controlling.

I think YABU and I think you need to discuss with your husband how you both see your finances going. I also think frittering £500 of an inheritance is not ideal but if money is so tight you cannot buy fruit or chocolate then there is a problem. Does your husband try and save for a deposit on a house in the future? Are you generally a fritterer? Do you both get some personal spends from your household budget? I would like to think an inheritance could be used to improve someones life rather than be wasted so if £10k could go towards a house deposit to make your life a bit better then not telling your DH about that is not a good idea.

I think you should keep it secret and think about your relationship as it is really odd that he won't let you buy what you want. Also make sure you have a will so if something happened to you, he won't get it. It sounds as if he is (trying) to control you, this is not legal now and is a form of abuse, please get help.

@caspersmagicaljourney

YANBU If I was in a relationship like yours I would keep the money as a 'running away' fund. Seriously, he seems very controlling.

Completely agree