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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:
Catsaremybesties · 22/03/2021 17:21

Yes I would.
My DH is stingy tight person and he questions everything I buy, even a chewing gum.
But he has no problem to spend hundreds on his hobby of his money.
I’m SAhm so I got no access to money so something like this would be amazing and yes I would not tell him.

mdh2020 · 22/03/2021 17:23

Do you already have an escape fund? My daughter’s female financial adviser says every woman should have one. So I think you should put this money into a new ISA and leave it there in case you need it.

WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 17:25

@Catsaremybesties

Yes I would. My DH is stingy tight person and he questions everything I buy, even a chewing gum. But he has no problem to spend hundreds on his hobby of his money. I’m SAhm so I got no access to money so something like this would be amazing and yes I would not tell him.

I'm sorry you are living like this, frustrates me to read these situations, so sending you moral support. 🌺

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 22/03/2021 17:25

My husband recently inherited a few £k

I'd be gutted if he didn't tell me, we have a really good marriage and keep no secrets, and jointly decided to use the money to do work on our home that is desperately needing done. I'd be more concerned about you having to hide ribena bottles and fruit packaging that you've bought for your children 😬

Roughasabadgersbum · 22/03/2021 17:25

Not a chance I'd say anything then I can finally leave ... Not a happy relationship though

Nearly47 · 22/03/2021 17:26

You seem to have a complex relatioship with money as a couple. We have similar division of expenses here but he wouldn't dream of controlling what I buy. Specially small things for tge kids as you mention. So you are not being unreasonable because you gave the impression that he is very controlling. That is assuming you are not in serious debt.

Pamie811 · 22/03/2021 17:26

Perhaps if you tell him you inherited half and then save the other half for Emergencies/f* u fund you wouldn't feel so guilty.
Nobody should be judging you because it is your relationship and your money.

Babymama76 · 22/03/2021 17:27

Ummm it sounds like the it’s the relationship that needs work

millymaid · 22/03/2021 17:27

Wait, your DH doesn't want you to buy yourself socks or buy your DD strawberries? It's your money and you can do what you want with it, but the bigger question is why is he controlling or judging all your minor spends?

LittleMissMe99 · 22/03/2021 17:28

I feel like there's some underlying issues here that you should probably address. I wouldn't dream of keeping it from my husband.

Sweetcupcakes16 · 22/03/2021 17:28

Tbh it ia your money do as you please you dont need to tell him owt... also it sound to me he is very controlling so becareful as other said you may need it for the future . Yanbu

tommyhoundmum · 22/03/2021 17:29

There is something very wrong here. But concealing the money isn't the way to go.

anon666 · 22/03/2021 17:30

Aw, it feels wrong to me. I wouldn't even entertain the idea in my marriage but then we have totally joint money.

I know every relationship is different but the guilt of hiding it and the worry of him finding out are big barriers for me.

Catwoman123 · 22/03/2021 17:31

I would keep it a secret because he would want to spend on things we don't need and I'd rather spend it on my face which is going downhill fast!

Pinkfluff76 · 22/03/2021 17:34

I’d keep it to myself if I had to hide Ribena and strawberries bought for your child, not like you splashed out on yourself. Good luck OP

Topsyturveymam · 22/03/2021 17:35

Sounds rather controlling to me. Everything you want seems to be ‘not allowed’. Seems like he’s treating you like a child.
I’d be squirrelling away too...for my escape fund!

pam290358 · 22/03/2021 17:38

I think the norm for most couples is joint finances so there is no ‘my’ money, but your situation does sound a bit odd. I appreciate that you’ve had a rough time of it money wise in the last few years, but you are both contributing to family finances so why is DH restricting your spending in this way ?.

I assume you have your own bank account, as hiding and accessing the inheritance would otherwise be impossible, and if this is the case I think the healthiest thing would be to come clean and make it clear that the money is to be saved, not absorbed into everyday spending. However, I also think there’s more than meets the eye to his behaviour and assuming you have not been financially irresponsible or something similar in the past , I think you need to be assertive and have a full and frank conversation with him about what appears to be very controlling behaviour.

ElvinBoys · 22/03/2021 17:39

Personally I would never keep it a secret from my husband, but then he also doesn’t tell me what I can and can’t buy.

BigFatLiar · 22/03/2021 17:40

@millymaid

Wait, your DH doesn't want you to buy yourself socks or buy your DD strawberries? It's your money and you can do what you want with it, but the bigger question is why is he controlling or judging all your minor spends?
Because they're skint?

Buy socks & strawberries or pay the rent/gas/electricity for some thats the choice. Her OH has been managing the budget to make sure the basics get paid and they all get fed. Bit of a slap in the face for his efforts if we all just say sod it lets just spend.

Remember the sole response he's given so far as we've been told is a raised eyebrow, not necessarily an angry raised eyebrow. Perhaps op is concerned because she knows they've been struggling and he's been doing his best to manage the budget and she feels a bit guilty about possible luxuries while they have been struggling, her guilty feeling no mention of him doing anything other than raise an eyebrow. He may not be bothered.

Alcemeg · 22/03/2021 17:44

You're not being unreasonable if your instinct is to hide it from him. You'd never feel that way in a million years with a man who didn't descent on you like a flock of locusts. I once had a boyfriend, for about 6 years, and I used to hide the nice cereal when he visited for the weekend because I couldn't trust him not to scoff the lot without a second thought when it was a luxury for me. I hated myself for being mean, but over time I discovered I'm not a mean person at all. Embrace this lesson that points to things you'd normally rather not see. And don't cover your eyes.

Plumbuddle · 22/03/2021 17:44

@MoonBaby1

Thank you everyone. I think what I’ve gained from this thread is the realisation that we’ve become fragmented due to finances and my not contributing 50/50 which I managed to do with one child. I think I’ll tell him but regain some control by insisting that £500 goes towards making this year easier than the one before.
OP you ARE contributing. You are working part time so you can work at home managing small kids, freeing him to go out to work. I know you are not criticising the marriage and nor am I, but were this situation to end up in divorce you would find that a court would regard you as having contributed equally. Just in case this is a financial control situation, I'd do a reality check in your shoes. Squirrel £9K away. Tell him you inherited the remaining £1K and this is why you made the purchases, but that because you felt bad about the dishonesty you wanted him to know. Discuss how you are both going to budget and spend with this windfall. Watch quite closely how he runs with this ball. If you don't like what you see, well he doesn't know about the rest of it and it will be your independence fund. If you do manage it all well as a couple, then comes the moment when you hit him with the news about the £9K. Yes he will feel very lied to but you would, assuming it had all worked well, then be able to explain that you only hid it because you felt so pressured by him overbearing you financially. And thus you would both move on in the relationship. I have a lot of sympathy for people who have had tough financial childhoods influencing their current relationship with money, but he can't let that dominate the family in the here and now. I am truly shocked that kids can't have a fresh berry treat sometimes without him guilt tripping you.
Kempyjo · 22/03/2021 17:47

I personally don't think I would tell my partner how much it was I would definitely lower it due to my partner just spends for the sake of spending so yes I would keep it from him to a certain degree.i don't understand why you have to hide buying food tho.

MintLampShade · 22/03/2021 17:49

In a generally happy and good relationship, I can buy strawberries and a scarf I wanted to. And My husband would be the first person I'd share the happy news with about my inheritance, even better, I'd treat him to something special as a surprise. I get a feeling that your relationship is somewhat different to that OP??

toocold54 · 22/03/2021 17:49

YABVU if it was the other way around and you’d found out he’d hidden that money from you people will be going mad telling you to leave him.
You’re happy for him to pay the majority of the bills but when it’s your money it’s a different story?
If you are unhappy then leave but if you stay then everything should be 50/50.

Arnold106 · 22/03/2021 17:53

Do people actually like like this ? You have to hide strawberries and chocolate for your child ? Sometimes these threads make me wonder if people are posting rubbish just to see how many of us fools reply Grin