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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 21/03/2021 21:31

@Ladderclimber

Could people please RTFT where the OP admits that they’re on the breadline and that her husband budgets for food extremely carefully because they need to?
Ah but that doesn't let the righteous 'LTB take all you can!' have their airtime, why read when you can automatically do that?
ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 21/03/2021 21:31

@Mrgrinch

The issue is that it appears to be the DH who dictates how their money is spent. IMO, both partners should have a joint say in what the priorities are when it comes to family finances. No one should ever have to sneak about with Ribena bottles or fruit wrappers.

With respect, there could be a good reason for that. If he's had to go as far as that then the OP could be spending beyond their means. Not that hard to imagine when they're on the breadline but she thinks it's a good idea to spend £500 on chocolate and strawberries?

That's fair. That's why I think the way forward is for then to have a frank conversation about how best to use it to benefit them all as a family.
thumpingrug · 21/03/2021 21:37

You are not in a good relationship and you know it. You have kept the money secret because you need an escape option. His behaviour is seriously controlling.

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 21:43

@iolaus

I haven't told mine I inherited £5000 - if he asked if I had inherited anything I'd tell him

He'd want us to do something with it - I'd rather have it (or most of it) as a safety net in case of a big expediture needed

Statements like this, ie you letting on you aren't lying because he didn't ask , don't make it any less deceitful.
Babyroobs · 21/03/2021 21:45

@Candleabra

Your husband raises eyebrows at the children eating strawberries? Please don't fritter away you inheritance on perfectly reasonable household expenses. You may need it to escape your awful husband.
This.
IWantT0BreakFree · 21/03/2021 21:46

But he is financially and emotionally abusive if he expects you to live by his rules. If you don’t have an equal say in deciding how family money should be spent. If he’s the “adult” in charge and you’re the “child” being told what you can and can’t do.

What would be your suggestion if a family is on the breadline and one partner is spending money that the family simply doesn't have on luxuries? Should the other partner just accept the impact on their joint finances lest they be seen as "abusive"? I think it's unfair to label this man as an abuser when he wouldn't have to disapprove of OP's spending if she was either A) financially responsible and living within their means or B) honest with him about a significant financial windfall.

In fact, there's a definite case to argue that actually it's financially abusive to spend family money on luxuries beyond what you can afford, potentially plunging the other partner into debt and destitution with you. (Not really aiming that last bit at you, OP. I don't think it sounds like you intend to blow thousands and rack up debts. Just trying to demonstrate the ridiculousness of the "abuser" claims).

hulahooper2 · 21/03/2021 22:05

Yabu, he sounds very controlling , you should be able to buy those treats out of normal household money , it’s not as if you are being wildly extravagant

ChewtonRoad · 21/03/2021 22:07

MoonBaby1, how old are you? Do you have a pension or any money put aside for your future?

I was taught "look after yourself as no one else will" and that's been true whether single or when married (now divorced).

Every woman needs running away money even when there's nothing to run from or to at the moment. If you've got nothing in savings then £5000 or £7500 is a good start towards ensuring you don't spend the last 30 years of your life on the breadline.

You inherited £10,000 and you need to decide what to do with it. You may decide to tell your husband you inherited £2000 and you'd like to spend a little on treats right now but are willing to save the rest for something specific ... or you may tell him you inherited £1000. Or not tell him at all.

If you have no savings or pension then consider talking to a financial advisor about what you could do with £5000 to ensure your better future, then decide.

MrsCBY · 21/03/2021 22:07

In fact, there's a definite case to argue that actually it's financially abusive to spend family money on luxuries beyond what you can afford, potentially plunging the other partner into debt and destitution with you.

I absolutely agree. But that really doesn’t seem to be what’s happening here. OP has said she wants to have £500 out of £10,000 to spend on little treats for the whole family, not just herself, over the course of a year. And save the rest.

The fact she didn’t initially feel she could talk to her DH and agree this with him - knowing they can afford it because they suddenly have £10,000 more than they thought they had - is what’s worrying.

As is this: we’ve become fragmented due to finances and my not contributing 50/50 which I managed to do with one child.

That sounds like he feels or you both feel that you’re only entitled to joint financial control with him if you’re contributing exactly the same as him financially. Even though the reason you’re not in a position to contribute the same is because you've been looking after your joint children. Really worrying.

I think I’ll tell him but regain some control by insisting that £500 goes towards making this year easier than the one before.

I hope you do. And I hope you make sure he acknowledges how valuable to the family your non-financial contribution is, and how it’s your earning potential that’s taken a hit to bring up the children that are his as well, and that you shouldn’t be penalised or denied the right to equal say on fundamental financial decisions because of that.

BigFatLiar · 21/03/2021 22:18

Even if they can't actually afford it? It may not be wildly extravagant to buy strawberries (or any other little treats) but if you're struggling it is an issue.

If people are struggling to pay the rent and heating on benefits would we say don't worry about the fags and booze a little treat is fine?

Perhaps if things are on the up it may be time to lighten up but he may be worried about starting to overspend.

IWantT0BreakFree · 21/03/2021 22:18

I absolutely agree. But that really doesn’t seem to be what’s happening here. OP has said she wants to have £500 out of £10,000 to spend on little treats for the whole family, not just herself, over the course of a year. And save the rest.

The fact she didn’t initially feel she could talk to her DH and agree this with him - knowing they can afford it because they suddenly have £10,000 more than they thought they had - is what’s worrying.

It sounds to me as though DH is the more financially responsible partner. She didn't want to tell him because she knows he would want to save it. If they've been through an extremely tough time financially, and are even now still on the breadline, then they probably do NEED that £10k as their financial buffer in case of any unexpected expenses or a change in circumstances. Maybe that's what happened in the past to plunge them into the financial difficulty that they are still experiencing.

I think it sounds like OP knows the money should be saved or used productively really, that she knows her DH is the more financially responsible partner and would insist on saving it (for everybody's benefit), and she just wants to enjoy the feeling of having some cash for once. I get that, by the way. I've been there. I know when you're hard up you just want to enjoy the little treats, but that's not how to lift yourself out of a financial mess.

I don't think he sounds in the least bit abusive and I think people are massively reaching. He just sounds like he's worried sick about keeping his family afloat.

IWantT0BreakFree · 21/03/2021 22:19

Also, it's pissing me off a bit tbh because I DID grow up with a financially abusive father and it feels very belittling to have people clutching at straws to label this guy when the reality of financial abuse can be so destructive and harmful. It's an insult to OP's DH and it's an insult to genuine FA victims.

Chanjer · 21/03/2021 22:20

The fact she didn’t initially feel she could talk to her DH and agree this with him

Cos she wants 10 grand

BigFatLiar · 21/03/2021 22:23

To misquote a famous saying...

Income £1 outgoings 19s 6d - happiness
Income £1 outgoings £1 0s 6d - misery

Perhaps he's the 19s 6d and she's the £1 0s 6d

JustDespair · 21/03/2021 22:37

You had to try and hide the fact you bought your children strawberries and Ribena and was caught in the act, as if though you were binning the packaging for a lobster you've just scoffed yourself (not that there's anything wrong with that if you have the money) while your family is living off porridge, and you think you have a good relationship. Good god woman, this isn't normal!

And sneaking in socks! Do you hear how mad that is?

Sp3849 · 21/03/2021 22:40

I would never hide any inherited money from my husband. However my husband doesn't control our finances he doesn't tell me what I can and cannot buy. He trusts me to make good financial decisions. We are both adults and for the record I don't work! He definitely does not monitor what food or treats I purchase for our children. He would give us his absolute last! He trusts me and knows I would never waste the money he works so hard to provide for our family. It shocks me that your husband controls your food shopping?! That you don't feel you can buy your child fruit and a drink from your local shop? If it is a case that your husband is controlling your money then yes hide it! Do not tell him you have it. Be sensible. Put it into savings. Don't waste it. Your relationship does not sound healthy and you may need that to fall back on one day op! xx

excuseforfights · 21/03/2021 22:40

No, I wouldn’t tell him. Every woman needs a secret fund. DH and I have separate savings. He is spendthrift and I am frugal.

Walkaround · 21/03/2021 22:45

What a stupid thing to keep secret in a happy marriage when the result is you have to smuggle socks into the house so he doesn’t wonder why and how you are spending a bit more than usual. It’s money neither of you have earned, so it is a bonus. If you want to spend a small portion of that on treats for the family, that’s perfectly acceptable - it doesn’t impact his careful budgeting of the normal family income at all. It’s actually somewhat mean to leave him out of the enjoyment of having a little bit extra if the only way you can do that is by ensuring he is excluded from all treats, which is mean spirited to say the least. Only keep it secret if he’s abusive and you need a get out, not because the poor sod is careful with money when, actually, he is right to be so.

BillMasen · 21/03/2021 22:47

As is typical here

Woman keeping a tight rein on finances is preventing her feckless partner from frittering it away and is correct

Man keeping a tight rein on finances is financially abusive and controlling

Ffs

aquashiv · 21/03/2021 22:48

Op is the fact that he watches every penny the only reason you won't tell him.
If you know the answer then part of me wonders why he is like this and why you feel this isn't right. Living this life isn't the end of the world if you both know this.
How will he feel if he finds out you didn't share your good news.. worrying about money is exhausting.
Why

JustDespair · 21/03/2021 22:49

@BillMasen

As is typical here

Woman keeping a tight rein on finances is preventing her feckless partner from frittering it away and is correct

Man keeping a tight rein on finances is financially abusive and controlling

Ffs

Strawberries and fucking socks!!! Angry
SneezyGonzalez · 21/03/2021 22:49

All of those things are perfectly normal things to buy, your husband is controlling

BillMasen · 21/03/2021 22:51

@JustDespair have you had a partner who wastes money, spends time after time on this that and the other, clothes, shoes, some cheap, some less but relentless stuff leading to debt. So yes, fucking strawberries and socks when I’m lying awake at night trying to work out how to make ends meet!

Mamanyt · 21/03/2021 22:52

First, if my partner raised his eyebrows over strawberry containers in the rubbish bin, I wouldn't call my relationship either "happy" or "good." That degree of control would feel very restrictive to me, but that's me.

However, I will tell you this...he will almost certainly find out about this money at some point or another. Something will slip, and it will come out, and the longer it takes, the more angry he will be about it. To some degree, rightfully. Think about this. Perhaps squirrel a portion of it away privately, and tell him about the rest? Only you can answer this, but I'd bet it's going to bite you down the road.

magicstar1 · 21/03/2021 22:53

I’m not sure about this. Is he really abusive, or are you in such tight circumstances that he has to watch every penny?
If he’s controlling, by all means hold on to the money in case you end up splitting. If he’s trying his best to make sure that bills are paid etc. and you’re barely making ends meet, then you should use the money to help.
It’s all about context.

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