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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 21/03/2021 20:38

I would tell him if I didn’t think I was going to get divorced any time soon.
But I’d put it in an account in my name only.

WisnaeMe · 21/03/2021 20:40

@Mostlylurkingiam

There are MUCH bigger issues here. I would never think to hide money from my partner, surely they are the 1st person you tell?! And if you want to spend a bit and save the rest, why not talk to hime about that? Very weird.

not every relationship is sunshine lollipops and rainbows though, quite the opposite.

OP has clarified that she does have a good but frugal relationship, so wanted to ask if she was being unreasonable, she is now telling her DH.

I don't know why asking for advice is considered weird. 🌺

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 21/03/2021 20:42

If you can't have an honest conversation about money with your DH, that is worrying. You say you aren't well off - could this money be the start of pulling together a house deposit in a few year's time? A conversation with him is needed. You need to feel empowered to buy a few small luxuries for yourself, but equally the remainder of the money could be used constructively for something else. The two of you need to talk through how it could benefit you most.

WeatherwaxOn · 21/03/2021 20:43

Have only read p1 but did raise my eyebrows a few times at some of the husbands mentioned.

I inherited a reasonable sum about a year ago. It was left to me, in my name. However, I gave 5% to my husband as he'd known the person who left it to me. I am investing a percentage for DC. The rest I am keeping.
I don't have a pension so this has to be a safety net for the future.
I have allowed myself the odd 'splurge' here or there, but it's within £500.

peaceanddove · 21/03/2021 20:43

If you can't treat yourself to the occasional punnet of strawberries, or nice chocolate then that's not living - it's just existing.

I could not and would not share my life with someone who would expect to have a say on whether I bought new socks. Socks FFS!

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 21/03/2021 20:43

If i found out that DH had inherited and not told me, I'd be questioning our relationship.

Having said that, I do feel it is important for a woman to always have some savings of her own if possible.

OneTC · 21/03/2021 20:44

it's just existing.

You get that's many people reality yes?

Crunchymum · 21/03/2021 20:46

I don't think you are in a good or happy relationship @MoonBaby1

Put the money to good use and get rid of the financially abusive husband.

HerMammy · 21/03/2021 20:48

He’d let me put some cheap chocolate on the Aldi list but buying anything from a village shop is frowned upon
what a miserable existence, unless you’re incredibly hard up, he’s beyond tight,if he’s raising eyebrows at strawberries.

Snookie00 · 21/03/2021 20:48

@peaceanddove. Do you understand what living on the breadline actually means for many people in this county? You may consider strawberries to be an essential item without which you’d only be existing but many families cannot afford to spend several pounds on soft fruit as a snack.

cryh · 21/03/2021 20:50

We had a period of very tight finances and it was surprisingly hard to relax afterards - it took quite a while to ease off. I'm not sure I will ever be as relaxed about money again.

I hope you manage to enjoy this money in some way after having a hard time Flowers

Mrgrinch · 21/03/2021 20:52

To be honest he might be a tight arse but I'd say you're worse than him if you don't tell him about the money. Why would you want to just gradually fritter it on crap if you're on the breadline?

blackcat86 · 21/03/2021 20:57

We need an MN misogyny klaxon!

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 21/03/2021 20:58

@HerMammy

He’d let me put some cheap chocolate on the Aldi list but buying anything from a village shop is frowned upon what a miserable existence, unless you’re incredibly hard up, he’s beyond tight,if he’s raising eyebrows at strawberries.
The OP has said they are hard up.

The issue is that it appears to be the DH who dictates how their money is spent. IMO, both partners should have a joint say in what the priorities are when it comes to family finances. No one should ever have to sneak about with Ribena bottles or fruit wrappers.

TooManyDinosaurs1 · 21/03/2021 21:03

Wow sneaking around buying chocolate, fruit and socks? That isn't normal behaviour. Unless you are destitute and on your last 20p each month I'm not quite sure why those things would be forbidden? Are you wanting to keep the money secret so you can leave him? If so fine, but in a happy marriage I wouldn't be sneaking around buying myself chocolates or hiding money from my husband personally. It doesn't sound healthy.

BackforGood · 21/03/2021 21:04

Currently only 53% of voters think YABU.

Can you imagine if this had started with the OP saying she'd just found out that her dh had won £10K, and hidden it away rather than sharing the good fortune with him, and the family Hmm

Mrgrinch · 21/03/2021 21:04

The issue is that it appears to be the DH who dictates how their money is spent. IMO, both partners should have a joint say in what the priorities are when it comes to family finances. No one should ever have to sneak about with Ribena bottles or fruit wrappers.

With respect, there could be a good reason for that. If he's had to go as far as that then the OP could be spending beyond their means. Not that hard to imagine when they're on the breadline but she thinks it's a good idea to spend £500 on chocolate and strawberries?

Biscuit9224 · 21/03/2021 21:07

That does not sound like a healthy relationship op. Hiding wrappers?! He begrudges you buying strawberries and Ribena?! Is he controlling? I don’t blame you for not wanting to tell him about the inheritance op.

In this house everything is shared. It isn’t 1/3 me or 2/3 dp. Everything we earn together is simply ‘ours’. If I was to inherit money I wouldn’t have a problem with dp knowing fully about it.

But I would say in your cause YANBU for wanting to keep it to yourself. Sneaking things into the house is not normal. Dp is always saying I need to stop splurging but I’ve never felt the need to hide things at all!

I spend a little of the inheritance for a few treats but keep the rest in a savings account only you have access too. Just in case you really need it one day!

Thewiseoneincognito · 21/03/2021 21:08

So.much.weirdness

HerMammy · 21/03/2021 21:12

@Mrgrinch
It was £500 a year, £10pw on socks, chocolate and fruit, hardly frivolous spending.

Ladderclimber · 21/03/2021 21:13

Could people please RTFT where the OP admits that they’re on the breadline and that her husband budgets for food extremely carefully because they need to?

sanfranfibber · 21/03/2021 21:22

Honestly if I was your husband and I found this out I would leave you.

A hard few years financially struggling to the point he has to limit tropical fruit buying and you're hoarding £10k? You're not his partner

IWantT0BreakFree · 21/03/2021 21:29

I’d be buying something from the village shop deliberately every single day and leaving the wrapper on the side in the kitchen. Everytime he raised an eyebrow I would say “the more of a problem you have with this then the more things I’m going to buy to deliberately annoy you so I suggest you get over it”

Such great advice to a person whose family are currently on the breadline, and whose husband is simply expecting the other adult to also behave financially responsibly and not spend money they don't have (or he doesn't know they have). Fucking hell. It's so obvious that some of you have never been poor.

MrsCBY · 21/03/2021 21:30

@MoonBaby1

The thing is, he’s not financially abusive. He’s just bog standard tight Grin. Totally un materialistic which I admire and doesn’t buy himself new stuff either if he can help it.
But he is financially and emotionally abusive if he expects you to live by his rules. If you don’t have an equal say in deciding how family money should be spent. If he’s the “adult” in charge and you’re the “child” being told what you can and can’t do.
hansgrueber · 21/03/2021 21:31

I thought that within a marriage MN considered money to be 'family money', or is that only when men have it and we're back in MN hypocrisyland?

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