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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

612 replies

MoonBaby1 · 21/03/2021 17:57

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

OP posts:
Walkaround · 21/03/2021 22:59

I’d raise my bloody eyebrows too if I saw my partner sneaking around, trying to hide rubbish in outside bins. Keeping quiet about it and hiding things from him is dishonest and hurtful - not acceptable behaviour in a happy, respectful relationship.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/03/2021 23:00

Hiding the money definitely isn't reasonable in a normal relationship but the very simple fact that it is freeing makes me think that deep down you feel very trapped and are rose tinting what your relationship really is.

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/03/2021 23:02

@BackforGood

Currently only 53% of voters think YABU.

Can you imagine if this had started with the OP saying she'd just found out that her dh had won £10K, and hidden it away rather than sharing the good fortune with him, and the family Hmm

Especially if she went on to say they were on the breadline and she'd been budgeting really carefully and shopping savvily to make sure they could make ends meet, never had treats herself but her DH was treating himself and the children when she wasn't there.
Iflyaway · 21/03/2021 23:02

Every woman needs a running-away fund. And if not needed it can help towards the pension.

JustDespair · 21/03/2021 23:03

@BillMasen

Oh, I guess I missed the post where the OP says she wastes money on random shit.

MichelleScarn · 21/03/2021 23:05

@Iflyaway

Every woman needs a running-away fund. And if not needed it can help towards the pension.
Even if she's the higher earner?
RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 23:06

Does every man need a running away fund then?

I only ask given the many threads when OP talks about men hiding money and he gets flamed.

BillMasen · 21/03/2021 23:06

@JustDespair and the bit where she says they’re on the breadline? It’s been a tough few years? She knows they are extravagant?

I’m just saying there is a scenario where he’s reasonable to be concerned over fucking strawberries and socks and not the abuser some are so keen to label him as.

Op doesn’t say if she’s been a bit lax with spending in the past. Don’t assume it’s all his fault until we know

IWantT0BreakFree · 21/03/2021 23:08

You had to try and hide the fact you bought your children strawberries and Ribena and was caught in the act, as if though you were binning the packaging for a lobster you've just scoffed yourself

Another one who is fortunate enough to not understand what being poor is like. Believe it or not, for some people the cost of Ribena and strawberries (from the corner shop which is way more expensive than Aldi, where they do their usual shopping) is a luxury that they genuinely can't afford. OP's husband doesn't know she has £10k. He doesn't know that they can afford it. Maybe he's thinking "that's 2 days worth of meals for the whole family that we NEED".

BillMasen · 21/03/2021 23:08

@excuseforfights

No, I wouldn’t tell him. Every woman needs a secret fund. DH and I have separate savings. He is spendthrift and I am frugal.
Yep s it ok for the higher earning man to have a secret fund?
Budsey · 21/03/2021 23:09

mmmmm somat don't sound right here ?......
he does the shopping because he's better at it that's a first really ? are you sure about that ? has he made you feel that you are not good at the shopping ? so you can buy socks but need to sneak them in ? and hide the strawberry and Ribena package ? very strange tell him you have had an inheritance but the not whole amount keep some in a hideaway just in case this situation becomes less tolerable for you and you need to leave .......

CandyLeBonBon · 21/03/2021 23:13

@Twisty333

No, I would not keep 10k from my husband so I could piss it away on strawberries and chocolate. Especially not if I barely worked and only contributed 1/3. So selfish!!
Wtaf???
JustDespair · 21/03/2021 23:16

@BillMasen

I am assuming she hasn't been. As she has been defending her husband as just being a bit tight I'm sure she would have mentioned if she used to go out and treat herself to hotel chocolat a few times a month while he never treated himself to anything.

excuseforfights · 21/03/2021 23:21

Yep s it ok for the higher earning man to have a secret fund?

My husband earns significantly more. I’ve always felt better having my own savings. He isn’t tight at all, we buy stuff for each other all the time.

But he doesn’t know how much I have in savings.

sansou · 21/03/2021 23:24

10K is a huge amount if you're on the breadline. Relatively expensive strawberries & Ribena are treats is you can only afford the basics normally for your weekly food shop.

You definitely need to tell your DH and unless the household has debts, I can't see why you couldn't agree to save say 9K and spend up to £1K on whatever you want.

Secrets erode trust.

Personally, I wouldn't fritter it away on day to day small luxuries which is extremely easy to do. It's a fantastic lump sum contribution towards a house deposit/retraining/setting up a business.

Keepyourdistance000 · 21/03/2021 23:26

Why would you keep that from him, especially such a huge amount of money?

How would he react if he found out you'd hidden this from him?

Or if you divorced and had to disclose your finances?

WisnaeMe · 21/03/2021 23:26

OP has already agreed that the right thing to do is to tell her Husband. 🌺

fucksat50 · 21/03/2021 23:26

Yes

Dasher789 · 21/03/2021 23:51

I don't no where you live op but is it possible you could use the money towards a house deposit? It might help you live better if you had mortgage payments at less than your rent? Anyway, yes, spend the £500 - years ago, when I was at uni, my parents split up and for a period, times were very tough financially for my mum and that had a knock on effect on me. I was sending my mum money from my part time uni job so she could buy food. During the summer when I was back home, we walked past an ice cream van on a sunny day and my mum asked me if I wanted an ice cream, I replied asking whether we could afford it and my mum said, 'whats life if you cant have an ice cream'. Those words always stuck with me. Buy your kids their metaphorical ice cream and enjoy some of lifes small pleasures.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/03/2021 00:13

@PorcelainCatStack

In a normal relationship I’d say hiding it was not.

With a DH who is controlling with money - especially over tiny things such as strawberries for the children, I’d not only say YANBU but I’d also say LTB. That’s not normal.

THIS^
Ploughingthrough · 22/03/2021 03:08

No way. It would go into our joint saving our something that would benefit the whole family. I'd be upset if he hid a 10k inheritance from me.

Meowchickameowmeow · 22/03/2021 04:13

Hiding and sneaking have no place in a happy relationship. I came into a similar amount last year, my husband is happy for me to spend it on whatever I want.

timeisnotaline · 22/03/2021 04:20

I’m glad you feel like you can talk to him about this now.
I think what I’ve gained from this thread is the realisation that we’ve become fragmented due to finances and my not contributing 50/50 which I managed to do with one child.
You do contribute 50/50 I expect, possibly even more, it’s just not all in the form of hours at paid employment. He can arrange childcare or drop to parttime and you work full time, possibly for net less money if he doesn’t think you are contributing 50/50.

Tinkerbell456 · 22/03/2021 04:35

If you feel the need to hide throwing out strawberries and Ribera bottles, I don’t think you have a great marriage, to be blunt. My husband works and I don’t and I can’t imagine him giving me a hard time about something like that. If I turned up in a brand new Porsche he’d certainly have something to say!

MessAllOver · 22/03/2021 04:42

I think you need to have a chat with him. It sounds like things have been extremely tight but are getting better. So you need to agree a small budget with him for treats for the children and personal spending so you're not always having to watch your pennies.

Though I'd be tempted to keep the £10k secret and put it into savings. Once you have children, relationships often become subject to power imbalances when one of you earns less and it's good to have an "exit fund" so you don't feel trapped. It doesn't sound like your DH is financially abusive, only very frugal, but it is possible for the one to tip into the other and before you know it, you're forbidden to have a coffee out with friends or buy a present for a birthday party. And that's no way to live.