Would you keep that you’d inherited 10k a secret from your husband?

[MoonBaby1]

In a generally happy, good relationship?
I have and it feels a bit weird but also really freeing. It’s been a tough few years money wise but we’re both in a position where we’re earning and working.

We both contribute to the household bills about 2/3 him and 1/3 me (I’m still part time as youngest is 2 yrs) and he’s in charge of all food and drink bills.

Just having this money up my sleeve has been very freeing. I’m not going mad but I bought the dc some strawberries and ribena from the shop and he saw me disposing of the rubbish in the outside bins with raised eyebrows. I want to sneak some other bits bought on amazon (socks, some chocolate and a scarf) into the house but feel guilty. If I own up he won’t condone this kind of spending and will insist it gets saved. I just want to enjoy about £500 over the year on little things and save the rest. AIBU?

I don't think I would keep it from him but as it was my inheritance I would really have the final word in what we did with it. Even if you do tell him you are well within your right to want to keep 500 pounds for yourself. So If it was left to both of us obviously that's different and I'd suggest we half it and each gets to do what they want with it. NB: Fruit and socks are IMO essential so it's not as if you're frittering it away on treats.

I’m really surprised at some of the replies saying to hide it from the DH - if he did the reverse there would be calls of LTB.

I think it’s extremely cruel to not tell him, and alleviate some of the stress of living month to month. If he says save it all then you can have the conversation about spending some of it as you’ve described.

I mean, he’s bound to notice you buying more things, surely?

The fact that you have to sneak stuff you bought for your child into the bin! no I 100% wouldn’t tell him. That needs addressing though, it’s just wrong that you have to do that.

No, that's really weird, if my DH did that to be I'd be livid, it's deceptive.

What is your long term plan here? Do you have a financial goals? Planning on buying a house?

Is it? Care to elaborate?

There's 253 posts elaborating it just fine

I find it hard to believe that all the posters telling OP to hide the money would not be outraged if they discovered their husband was hiding money away from the families.

Just rereading through that you are on the breadline and don't own your own home.

Yes I would think you very unreasonable to withhold a deposit on a house in your bank.

I’ve just inherited some money and my DH said it’s your money it’s up to you what you do with it. If your hubby would say the same then tell him if he didn’t id say don’t tell him. Having your own money is important especially when your children are young and you can’t work full time.

OK on the surface it looks as though he's financially abusive, but what level of tightness are we talking about?

Are you desperately short of money and you keep spending it at the village shop on complete crap?

Or do you have savings and he just hates spending money on anything that isn't strictly necessary?

Or can he just not sleep if 50p has be spent during the day when it needn't have?

Before you met him, did you waste a lot of money?

Personally I think the best thing to do (depending on the state of your marriage) is either give it to your mum to save in a running away fund or put it into some sort of pension fund, given you're working fewer hours.

@Grandslam21 - did you actually read the OP’s post?!

I would divorce my husband if he hid that from me. It's just plain deceit, I would never trust him again.
Part of the joy for me would be telling DH about any money we came into, same for him.

In a good healthy relationship there would be no need; each partner would have input into how it is spent without resentment. In the past when me or DH has had bonuses etc typically we dump most into savings but keep some aside for ourselves as guilt-free treat money.

If you're worried he's so tight he'll control how you spend it and you don't want that then I'd pop it in an ISA while you have a think.

Right so hang on.

You’re on the breadline. He’s clearly worried about money and worried about keeping the family afloat. And you’re questioning whether or not you should tell him??

Cruel, tbh. My husband would be devastated if he found out I’d done that when I knew he was worried about money. Aren’t you a team? Aren’t you in this together?

I wouldn’t be saying this if I thought this was bog standard financial control/abuse but really I’m not getting that from the OP’s posts at all. There’s a difference between financial abuse and being genuinely worried about money.

Now that you have clarified that money is extremely tight I can see why he might take issue with sweets etc.

Assuming this is the only reason for him to behave in that way, i think it would be really wrong to keep it from him. £10k could make a big difference to your circumstances; a deposit for your own home, a car to travel for better paying work, paying off expensive debts, a qualification?

I sway between him being financially abusive or frankly you being if things are that bad and you hide this from him.

"Part of the joy for me would be telling DH about any money we came into, same for him."

Exactly. As the OP says he's not financially abusive, just "tight", then the news would be a wonderful surprise and huge relief for him. They could choose a treat for them both to enjoy, whether it's a holiday (difficult at the moment I know), or some much needed home improvements or just a few things that would give both of them some enjoyment.

There is so much privilege on display on this thread - people who have no comprehension that many people can’t afford the little luxuries that they take for granted.

I’m staggered that all these posters are advocating hiding the money. If you really are on the breadline then the decent thing to do would be to use the money to alleviate that situation rather than buying secret junk food. Only you know whether you OH is being abusive/ tight or whether his money concerns are valid. If you really are on the breadline and you want to make your marriage work then you need to be honest with him.

Honestly, I don't think I would tell him. He is a bit of a spendthrift and sees no problem making purchases without telling me. I would stash away for work on the house and he never hurts to have an emergency exit strategy!

If yous are living frugally is there any debt that this 10k could go towards to lessen the strain?

To answer your question, no. I wouldn’t keep it a secret.
But then if you told him, you should get an equal say in what happens to it.

There are MUCH bigger issues here. I would never think to hide money from my partner, surely they are the 1st person you tell?! And if you want to spend a bit and save the rest, why not talk to hime about that? Very weird.

@CustardySergeant

"Part of the joy for me would be telling DH about any money we came into, same for him."

Exactly. As the OP says he's not financially abusive, just "tight", then the news would be a wonderful surprise and huge relief for him. They could choose a treat for them both to enjoy, whether it's a holiday (difficult at the moment I know), or some much needed home improvements or just a few things that would give both of them some enjoyment.

She says he’d insist on saving it.

@BIWI

Sounds like your issue here isn't about the inheritance, but with a husband who is financially controlling.

On that basis, I'd definitely be squirelling as much money away as possible!

Definitely this. It it wasn't for what you had said in the second part of your post i would say unreasonable not to let him know.