Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

AIBU?

Would you want to know your DH was cheating?

133 replies

SupermarketSecrets · 21/03/2021 14:38

So there's a married man at work, early 30s married with a child having an affair with a 17 year old girl. Everyone at work knows, they're very open about it at work and people do gossip about them.

Lots of people have said someone should tell his wife so she's aware.
I feel guilty for knowing, almost like an accomplice but I don't want to get involved.

AIBU to think we should stay out of it? Or would you want to know your husband was cheating?

OP posts:

Thanks

Share

Report

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 23:40

No, and it isn't yours either, is it?

Thanks

Teardrop2021 · 21/03/2021 23:42

Please do her a kindness and tell her. This happened to my friend her dh has been having an affair with a girl he worked with leaving work early and everyone knew. My friend knew something wasn't quite right, her dh had been distance aggressive lying about his where abouts and causing arguments to leave the house. Someone from his work messaged her and told her that he had been messing about this lass left work early and his car had been at the house. Shes divorced now but it all made sense what was happening at the time and it was that one person that give her the final bit of confirmation she needed.

Thanks

HollyCarrot · 21/03/2021 23:43

Well I'd be giving someone the information to do with as they wished. If they wanted to stay with them it would be nothing to do with me.

Thanks

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 23:44

@HollyCarrot

Well I'd be giving someone the information to do with as they wished. If they wanted to stay with them it would be nothing to do with me.

Right.

Having been on the other side where my friend was absolutely devastated by a stranger's choice believing they were a white knight, it's not as simple as that.

Thanks

HollyCarrot · 21/03/2021 23:47

If your friend decided to stay in that situation, that's her choice at the end of the day. An awful lot of people would prefer to have the full information before deciding what to do next.

Thanks

HollyCarrot · 21/03/2021 23:51

And I assume that your friend was mainly devastated by the fact that husband was cheating on her, rather than the fact she was told or he was found out?

Thanks

RootyT00t · 21/03/2021 23:51

@HollyCarrot

If your friend decided to stay in that situation, that's her choice at the end of the day. An awful lot of people would prefer to have the full information before deciding what to do next.

You really are spiteful, eh?

What she did has nothing to do with you.

I'm talking about the fact it came from a stranger devastated her.

So before you start crusading around feeling like the town's moral compass, remember not everyone appreciates it.

Thanks

HollyCarrot · 22/03/2021 00:04

No idea where you feel I'm being spiteful, I am telling you my feelings on the subject (which is the point of the thread). If it bothers you that I disagree then simply stop replying. But I think anyone who keeps this type of thing to themselves needs to very carefully think about their decision. As I said earlier, I would want to know. If you personally would prefer just not know, that's your business. The problem is, it's the innocent third party trying to work out what to do for the best. I have my opinion, you have yours. I'd ditch a friend like a hot snot if it transpires they knew my husband was cheating on me and didn't tell me. You must be a lot more forgiving.

Thanks

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 00:09

@HollyCarrot

No idea where you feel I'm being spiteful, I am telling you my feelings on the subject (which is the point of the thread). If it bothers you that I disagree then simply stop replying. But I think anyone who keeps this type of thing to themselves needs to very carefully think about their decision. As I said earlier, I would want to know. If you personally would prefer just not know, that's your business. The problem is, it's the innocent third party trying to work out what to do for the best. I have my opinion, you have yours. I'd ditch a friend like a hot snot if it transpires they knew my husband was cheating on me and didn't tell me. You must be a lot more forgiving.

Whether I want to know doesn't matter.

What I said, very simply and repeatedly was that people underestimate what damage being told by a stranger can do , and people should consider that before doing their white knight bit.

Friends is different.

Thanks

HollyCarrot · 22/03/2021 00:12

The damage is done by the affair. Would it be better to let it go on for twenty years to avoid potential discomfort?

Thanks

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 00:15

@HollyCarrot

The damage is done by the affair. Would it be better to let it go on for twenty years to avoid potential discomfort?

Holly, I give up with you.

If you can't see that your moral crusade as a stranger isn't always the right thing and it's not about you, so be it

Thanks

HollyCarrot · 22/03/2021 00:18

Likewise. And less of the patronising tone, we are all entitled to an opinion here last time I checked. I don't envy your friends.

Thanks

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 00:19

@HollyCarrot

Likewise. And less of the patronising tone, we are all entitled to an opinion here last time I checked. I don't envy your friends.

Whatever. Your tone is patronising.

And re your comment about my friends, I hark back to my comment about you being spiteful.

Thanks

HollyCarrot · 22/03/2021 00:21

I reserve my spite for those who are most deserving. Consider yourself honoured and scuttle off to cover up for all your mates who are having affairs.

Thanks

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 00:22

@HollyCarrot

I reserve my spite for those who are most deserving. Consider yourself honoured and scuttle off to cover up for all your mates who are having affairs.

Eh?

So because I am cautious after my friend was told by a stranger and it destroyed me, my friends are having affairs?

Are you quite OK?

Thanks

NatashasTooth · 22/03/2021 00:27

I have been the wife of a husband having an affair with someone from work while I was home with our newborn (fourth) child.

I found him out, nobody told me. Plenty of people in his office knew. The wife of a colleague of his who I saw on the school run knew.

Would it have been better or worse to have been told - I honestly don’t know. But she needs to know.

Before this happened to me, would I ever tell the partner of someone I knew to be having an affair? Unless I knew the betrayed person probably not. Would I tell now? Again unless I know them probably not.

Perhaps get a message to her via someone she trusts as opposed to a stranger from his work.

Thanks

HollyCarrot · 22/03/2021 00:28

Well we're not talking about your particular situation here. I am talking about someone knowing that someone's husband is having an affair, and then telling that person. As I said earlier, I would prefer to know early on than find out much later on. And I would find it very hard to forgive a supposed friend who 'stayed out of it'. And yes, I'm quite ok, thank you so much for asking.

Thanks

HollyCarrot · 22/03/2021 00:34

@NatashasTooth

I have been the wife of a husband having an affair with someone from work while I was home with our newborn (fourth) child.

I found him out, nobody told me. Plenty of people in his office knew. The wife of a colleague of his who I saw on the school run knew.

Would it have been better or worse to have been told - I honestly don’t know. But she needs to know.

Before this happened to me, would I ever tell the partner of someone I knew to be having an affair? Unless I knew the betrayed person probably not. Would I tell now? Again unless I know them probably not.

Perhaps get a message to her via someone she trusts as opposed to a stranger from his work.

Sorry Natasha, that message wasn't aimed at you. Hope you are ok

Thanks

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 00:36

@HollyCarrot

Well we're not talking about your particular situation here. I am talking about someone knowing that someone's husband is having an affair, and then telling that person. As I said earlier, I would prefer to know early on than find out much later on. And I would find it very hard to forgive a supposed friend who 'stayed out of it'. And yes, I'm quite ok, thank you so much for asking.

My god holly.

Our whole interaction was based on if being a stranger.

I would also like to know and would expect a friend to tell me, that we agree on.

But my example of it being a stranger and advising caution enraged you enough to tell me to scuttle off and enable my cheating friends.

You are bonkers.

Thanks

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 22/03/2021 00:36

@Mintlegs

Anonymous letter

No

That's spineless & leaves the woman wondering if it's true& who knows. It's a horrible thing to do

Thanks

HollyCarrot · 22/03/2021 00:39

And you're terribly grown up calling me bonkers. A great argument altogether.

Thanks

NatashasTooth · 22/03/2021 00:39

No worries I didn’t think it was.
You are kind to ask. It was a few years ago now. We are still together. It has been hard but we are in a much better place now. It’s probably changed me forever though.

Thanks

HollyCarrot · 22/03/2021 00:52

@NatashasTooth

No worries I didn’t think it was.
You are kind to ask. It was a few years ago now. We are still together. It has been hard but we are in a much better place now. It’s probably changed me forever though.

Glad to hear you are well. Onwards and upwards

Thanks

YellowPurple · 22/03/2021 01:07

Its hard

I was 17 and had relations with a 28 year old.
I wasnt being taken advantage of in the slightest
Although he was single

Thanks

1forAll74 · 22/03/2021 01:25

I wouldn't tell the wife, but she may already know about her Husbands affair, he may not be acting normally at home, and their might be give away signs that she can pick up. Its wrong to be somewhat involved in other people''s lives and affairs. The will all have to sort their own problems out.

Thanks

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.