Would you want to know your DH was cheating?

[SupermarketSecrets]

So there's a married man at work, early 30s married with a child having an affair with a 17 year old girl. Everyone at work knows, they're very open about it at work and people do gossip about them.

Lots of people have said someone should tell his wife so she's aware.
I feel guilty for knowing, almost like an accomplice but I don't want to get involved.

AIBU to think we should stay out of it? Or would you want to know your husband was cheating?

[CuntyMcBollocks]

Of course I'd want to know if my dh was cheating.

[MacDuffsMuff]

I was told by a stranger that my DH was having an affair. It devastated me. Not for the fact that it was a stranger, that made no difference to me at all, if my friend had told me that DH was shagging a 20 year old would I have felt any better about it? Of course not. The notion that it would somehow soften the blow is nonsense to me because they didn't do the damage, DH did. Every lie he told, all the time I lost worrying that he was working too hard and that's why he was late, every 'poor DH' because he missed another of DS's milestones, all of it was HIS doing. I certainly didn't blame the person for telling me. I'll be forever grateful til the day I die that she did. 3 of my friends knew and didn't tell me and I could never forgive them for that, as far as I'm concerned it's as good as covering for him.

[RootyT00t]

@HollyCarrot

And you're terribly grown up calling me bonkers. A great argument altogether.

Your line of argument is.

[RootyT00t]

@Suzi888

Yes I’d want to know if DH was having an affair, I can’t think of a single reason why anyone wouldn’t want to know.
If you already know and pretend not to, then just carry on doing that..
If this is happening in the work place the matter needs to be raised with HR.

(My opinion - not getting into a back and forth with anybody!)

HR would not be interested in two consenting adults having an affair.

[RootyT00t]

@Bubbletea50

If the wife was your friend, that is a totally different situation, and one where you are much more likely to have the additional context. I resent that some people here have conflated these together.

With her being a stranger, it is just not your business. Throwing a missile like this into someone's life who you don't know isn't a power you should exercise.

Interested to see if @HollyCarrot personally attacks you for this view or if she just saved that for me.

[Bubbletea50]

If the wife was your friend, that is a totally different situation, and one where you are much more likely to have the additional context. I resent that some people here have conflated these together.

With her being a stranger, it is just not your business. Throwing a missile like this into someone's life who you don't know isn't a power you should exercise.

[Suzi888]

Yes I’d want to know if DH was having an affair, I can’t think of a single reason why anyone wouldn’t want to know.
If you already know and pretend not to, then just carry on doing that..
If this is happening in the work place the matter needs to be raised with HR.

(My opinion - not getting into a back and forth with anybody!)

[mars2]

What I said, very simply and repeatedly was that people underestimate what damage being told by a stranger can do , and people should consider that before doing their white knight bit.

This is true & even when friends are involved often the messenger still gets shot. I have seen it twice blow up in the messenger's face. 1) the wife knew but was turning a blind eye & she didn't want to confront it & didn't so friend who told was frozen out. 2) girlfriend had no idea but decided to forgive & went on to marry the man. The friendship of the friend who told fizzled out as she was a constant reminder of what they wanted to move on.

[1forAll74]

I wouldn't tell the wife, but she may already know about her Husbands affair, he may not be acting normally at home, and their might be give away signs that she can pick up. Its wrong to be somewhat involved in other people''s lives and affairs. The will all have to sort their own problems out.

[YellowPurple]

Its hard

I was 17 and had relations with a 28 year old.
I wasnt being taken advantage of in the slightest
Although he was single

[HollyCarrot]

@NatashasTooth

No worries I didn’t think it was.
You are kind to ask. It was a few years ago now. We are still together. It has been hard but we are in a much better place now. It’s probably changed me forever though.

Glad to hear you are well. Onwards and upwards

[NatashasTooth]

No worries I didn’t think it was.
You are kind to ask. It was a few years ago now. We are still together. It has been hard but we are in a much better place now. It’s probably changed me forever though.

[HollyCarrot]

And you're terribly grown up calling me bonkers. A great argument altogether.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

@Mintlegs

Anonymous letter

No

That's spineless & leaves the woman wondering if it's true& who knows. It's a horrible thing to do

[RootyT00t]

@HollyCarrot

Well we're not talking about your particular situation here. I am talking about someone knowing that someone's husband is having an affair, and then telling that person. As I said earlier, I would prefer to know early on than find out much later on. And I would find it very hard to forgive a supposed friend who 'stayed out of it'. And yes, I'm quite ok, thank you so much for asking.

My god holly.

Our whole interaction was based on if being a stranger.

I would also like to know and would expect a friend to tell me, that we agree on.

But my example of it being a stranger and advising caution enraged you enough to tell me to scuttle off and enable my cheating friends.

You are bonkers.

[HollyCarrot]

@NatashasTooth

I have been the wife of a husband having an affair with someone from work while I was home with our newborn (fourth) child.

I found him out, nobody told me. Plenty of people in his office knew. The wife of a colleague of his who I saw on the school run knew.

Would it have been better or worse to have been told - I honestly don’t know. But she needs to know.

Before this happened to me, would I ever tell the partner of someone I knew to be having an affair? Unless I knew the betrayed person probably not. Would I tell now? Again unless I know them probably not.

Perhaps get a message to her via someone she trusts as opposed to a stranger from his work.

Sorry Natasha, that message wasn't aimed at you. Hope you are ok

[HollyCarrot]

Well we're not talking about your particular situation here. I am talking about someone knowing that someone's husband is having an affair, and then telling that person. As I said earlier, I would prefer to know early on than find out much later on. And I would find it very hard to forgive a supposed friend who 'stayed out of it'. And yes, I'm quite ok, thank you so much for asking.

[NatashasTooth]

I have been the wife of a husband having an affair with someone from work while I was home with our newborn (fourth) child.

I found him out, nobody told me. Plenty of people in his office knew. The wife of a colleague of his who I saw on the school run knew.

Would it have been better or worse to have been told - I honestly don’t know. But she needs to know.

Before this happened to me, would I ever tell the partner of someone I knew to be having an affair? Unless I knew the betrayed person probably not. Would I tell now? Again unless I know them probably not.

Perhaps get a message to her via someone she trusts as opposed to a stranger from his work.

[RootyT00t]

@HollyCarrot

I reserve my spite for those who are most deserving. Consider yourself honoured and scuttle off to cover up for all your mates who are having affairs.

Eh?

So because I am cautious after my friend was told by a stranger and it destroyed me, my friends are having affairs?

Are you quite OK?

[HollyCarrot]

I reserve my spite for those who are most deserving. Consider yourself honoured and scuttle off to cover up for all your mates who are having affairs.

[RootyT00t]

@HollyCarrot

Likewise. And less of the patronising tone, we are all entitled to an opinion here last time I checked. I don't envy your friends.

Whatever. Your tone is patronising.

And re your comment about my friends, I hark back to my comment about you being spiteful.

[HollyCarrot]

Likewise. And less of the patronising tone, we are all entitled to an opinion here last time I checked. I don't envy your friends.

[RootyT00t]

@HollyCarrot

The damage is done by the affair. Would it be better to let it go on for twenty years to avoid potential discomfort?

Holly, I give up with you.

If you can't see that your moral crusade as a stranger isn't always the right thing and it's not about you, so be it

[HollyCarrot]

The damage is done by the affair. Would it be better to let it go on for twenty years to avoid potential discomfort?

[RootyT00t]

@HollyCarrot

No idea where you feel I'm being spiteful, I am telling you my feelings on the subject (which is the point of the thread). If it bothers you that I disagree then simply stop replying. But I think anyone who keeps this type of thing to themselves needs to very carefully think about their decision. As I said earlier, I would want to know. If you personally would prefer just not know, that's your business. The problem is, it's the innocent third party trying to work out what to do for the best. I have my opinion, you have yours. I'd ditch a friend like a hot snot if it transpires they knew my husband was cheating on me and didn't tell me. You must be a lot more forgiving.

Whether I want to know doesn't matter.

What I said, very simply and repeatedly was that people underestimate what damage being told by a stranger can do , and people should consider that before doing their white knight bit.

Friends is different.