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AIBU to think of having an under 9 month age gap..

186 replies

Overthinking1 · 21/03/2021 12:03

This is totally hypothetical at the moment as I appreciate any pregnancy success is relatively un predictable..but my partner and I are going through IVf now (same sex).

She is going first as she is almost 40 and we hope to have two children..I am planning to carry our second child.

we have been discussing timescales around when this should happen.
Would we be insane to try and have a second child so close to the other? I'm just thinking there may be the benefits of almost twins without the health risks for any parent carrying two (appreciate twins are difficult in many other ways too)

I know 2 is going to be crazy hard regardless, so would appreciate any thoughts on what you all think?? is a very small age gap ridiculous or would you do it if you had the choice?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

bumblenbean · 21/03/2021 23:14

Definitely pros and cons either way. My two are 11.5 months apart (narrowly missed being in the same school year at least!).

They are the absolute best of friends and have an incredible bond, and I’m glad to have got the baby stage out the way in one fell swoop (although I do still get broody fairly regularly 😆). They’re currently 2 and 3 and whilst it’s lovely watching their relationship blossom it is incredibly full on. DH and I are perpetually exhausted, we hardly get any time together and it really takes a toll on the relationship - but I’m sure this will improve as they get older and more independent.

It was really tough on my body having two within one calendar year although that wouldn’t apply to you as you wouldn’t be carrying both Smile but as others have said, the overlap of one of you being pregnant and the other postnatal would be quite tough and I did find it hard to to give each child enough attention when they were both really small.

The other thing to consider is the chance, however small, that one baby could have special needs of some kind. If DC2 had suffered a disability I’m not sure how I would’ve coped - it’s hard enough with two able-bodied / NT children but it would be even harder if one had additional needs.

Anyway, I wish you luck with whatever you decide - ultimately things have a way of working themselves out Smile

Overthinking1 · 21/03/2021 23:14

@Ringshanks that's surprising to hear as yes we are in the UK and its never been mentioned by any of our clinics ?!

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 21/03/2021 23:16

Mine never mentioned it until DP was 6 months pregnant and we went back in. We'd talked about it in front of them and thought we were allowed to do it before that. We did IUI, which may be different. But I think it'd be good to talk to the clinic!

SarahAndQuack · 21/03/2021 23:17

(We were actually livid, because we chose a donor whose sperm expired quite soon, and we'd discussed that with them.)

Overthinking1 · 21/03/2021 23:20

quite odd isnt it, as we could just both go out and have sex with guys if we wanted ..but i will check that out !

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 21/03/2021 23:22


quite odd isnt it, as we could just both go out and have sex with guys if we wanted ..but i will check that out !

YY, tell me about it! I was quite angry.
jellybe · 21/03/2021 23:23

I would say to have a bigger gap so you get to enjoy DC1 being a baby before DC2 comes along. I've found with my kids that they like to have there 'place' with in the family oldest, middle, youngest and I think if there's been very close in age that they would have struggled with not fully feeling their 'place' iyswim.

Plus, pregnancy and the first year of a baby can be super tough. I think I'd have really struggled if my DH hadn't been able to fully support me through those periods because he too was going through a massive physical change. It was tough enough as it was without throwing anything else into the mix.

PurpleMustang · 22/03/2021 00:23

I would definitely suggest separate school years as you would likely then also have the extra issue of one being born at the 'older end' of the year, so say Sept, Oct or Nov born and then the other being at the 'younger end' so June, July or Aug. Whilst there can be a whole debate about the younger ones being disadvantaged when start as only just turned 4, you would have the extra aspect that as they start the older would soon turn 5 and that can be seen as a huge developmental difference but they would be constantly compared as siblings and equals.

Golightly133 · 22/03/2021 00:46

I had 3 in 2.5 years it was amazing (all planned) they grew up together we had great days out all practically at the same stage. Do what feels right and enjoy every minute x x

skeggycaggy · 22/03/2021 07:08

SarahAndQuack, BertieBotts, me & my NCT friend cross fed our babies so we could care for each other’s child more easily. It’s definitely rare, never met anyone else who has done it - although I don’t go around telling people either!

Usagi12 · 22/03/2021 09:16

[quote Overthinking1]@Usagi12 yes certainly wouldnt go before I knew my partner was having a single baby but that would still leave the risk of endeding up with 3 if I had twins! OK.. maybe this is too risky.[/quote]
Sorry I got confused over who was going first in my excitement at strangers possibly having twins 😂😂

Something else to think about regarding timing. I had a C section (all went fine no issues with recovery) but it took a while, a good couple months until I was back to full speed. During that time I relied on DH a lot to do stuff (even wash me 🙄). So you may struggle to provide support for your partner after the birth if you're pregnant yourself x

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