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AIBU?

AIBU to think of having an under 9 month age gap..

186 replies

Overthinking1 · 21/03/2021 12:03

This is totally hypothetical at the moment as I appreciate any pregnancy success is relatively un predictable..but my partner and I are going through IVf now (same sex).

She is going first as she is almost 40 and we hope to have two children..I am planning to carry our second child.

we have been discussing timescales around when this should happen.
Would we be insane to try and have a second child so close to the other? I'm just thinking there may be the benefits of almost twins without the health risks for any parent carrying two (appreciate twins are difficult in many other ways too)

I know 2 is going to be crazy hard regardless, so would appreciate any thoughts on what you all think?? is a very small age gap ridiculous or would you do it if you had the choice?

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AIBU

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SarahAndQuack · 21/03/2021 16:06

@Figrollface

You need to think of the children and the impact this will have on them.
They're the ones who'll have to grow up explaining how they're so close in age and then end up with lots of intrusive questions and comments on the whole situation regarding their conception and biological relationship to each parent.

Stick with at least a year gap and enjoy been new parents and finding your feet and seeing how you all adapt to one child and meeting all their needs before rushing in to having a second.

Um ... you don't think what with having two parents they're going to get this anyway?

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MuchTooTired · 21/03/2021 16:21

I have twins, and whilst they are obviously amazing and I love them to bits, it’s bloody hard. On good days it’s a hard breeze, on bad days it is utter hell and I’m ready for their bed time and it’s not even half 9!

It’s really difficult to say what I would do in your situation - I have my two and wouldn’t change them for the world, and would make exactly the same choices if I had my time over. But... if I knew how difficult it would be and I’d not met my children yet I’d probably go for a bigger gap. (They’re ivf babies, 2 embryos transferred). The baby stage was knackering, but a complete dream compared to toddlers 🤣

The financial side of having two so close is high too. Even buying most things second hand they tend to need the next stage up at the same time, and there’s no option to spread it over a year or so. There’s also a boatload of guilt that comes with it, of never being able to give them my full attention like I would normal siblings, and they’re quite used to having to wait as the other needs my attention more, or watching my head spin round searching for the other.

On the flip side, when they’re not fighting they play together beautifully and their bond is something I can’t explain, understand or copy.

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Lindtnotlint · 21/03/2021 16:33

I really really really wouldn’t want a situation where I had two kids in the same school year who weren’t actually the same age. I think that’s super tough on the kids especially in early years of school, but then also later with exams etc. Otherwise, I think small gaps are great

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ValancyRedfern · 21/03/2021 16:36

I found the baby stage so traumatic I couldn't bring myself to have another. Although the physical trauma will be less as you will have one pregnancy each, imagine looking after a newborn and finding you hate it, then knowing another newborn is imminent (and also your partner is heavily pregnant so can't help much with first baby). It would be an absolutely awful situation. Imho you shouldn't make any decisions on the second baby until you've had the first.

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theMoJareajoke · 21/03/2021 16:38

Things to discuss
IVF is an emotional rollercoaster, pregnancy and having a small child is hard work. It may not be great for your family to have both going on at once.

Have you thought about how you will feel if one of you can't conceive and carry to term but the other one can? It's easy to say it won't be a problem but TTC screws with even the most rational of women. Have a look at the ttc threads where women have lost friends when they have conceived and the other hasn't. Obviously you know your relationship and you have probably discussed all this already.

Sleep deprivation is a killer
Pregnancy makes you very tired, doing that while sleep deprived is very tough.

Generally the reason people don't have a 9 month age gap is it's a lot for a female body to take 2 pregnancies in a year. This isn't going to be your issue though.

I had 18month and it was very hard but wouldn't change it.

What do the clinic say. Do they have counselling available, they may have more points for you to consider.

Having a child is always a game of whatif.

Good luck whatever you both decide.

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WeIcomeToGilead · 21/03/2021 16:52

Can’t you just enjoy the child you have on his or her own for a bit?

I think 2 year gap is cool - anything before that seems like massively hard work when it doesn’t need to be

I appreciate your ages etc though!

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Overthinking1 · 21/03/2021 17:02

yes the main reasons for wanting a small gap is being already over 40 when the first 1 is born (although our embryos are 6 years younger) and my parents being mid 70s now.
my closest friends have children born this year and some are trying to get pregnant again later this year, so it would be nice to have them relatively close in age i guess as we do holiday and hang out together.

also knowing the sleepless nights and nappies bit is going to be very hard so not really wanting to stretch that out over a long period. however i don't want to rush everything for the sake of it, and wanting to enjoy that baby bit as much as i(we) can individually too.

We will have more counselling in the next couple of months and speak about it with our clinic.

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Overthinking1 · 21/03/2021 17:03

I really appreciate all your comments thank you.

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sbhydrogen · 21/03/2021 17:04

My friends mum had a 12 month gap with her first two, and then my friend was born 18 months later. Three kids in three consecutive school years!

I'd leave a 12 month gap at least so your body has a slight chance to recover and you get past that newborn stage (very tiresome). Plus, sex hurts for the first month at least 🤣

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Sh05 · 21/03/2021 17:06

I taught a set of sisters who were in the same year but not twins. The older one deferred all questions to her younger sister who was terribly embarrassed about the sisters but not twins issue. She was alot quieter and was like shadow of her older louder sibling.
If it's a choice then it's not one I could advise anyone to take. When they're in primary it's not such an issue but some teenagers can be very mean and some so very conscious of the fact that their parents past sex life has become a stick to bully them with.

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LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 21/03/2021 17:09

I wouldn’t personally. I’d space it out more so you can maximise supporting each other.

The idea of both having a baby at the same time or close together sounds nice but not if you both get hyperemisis or have a tough birth recovery.

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iluvpickles · 21/03/2021 17:10

2 babies both at different stages is just a bad idea in my opinion. I have a 15 months old just now and she's so wild, crazy, needy, moany and dangerous! There's no way I cld cope with having a 6 month old too, madness! Our age gap is just over 2 and a half years and I still think that was close together for us and hard work!

I would wait until baby is at least a few months before you decide if u want a close gap. I must say I was shocked at how much harder having 2 kids was compared to 1 and my 2 yr old was potty trained, slept gd and could speak really well.

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LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 21/03/2021 17:51

@EasterGuineaPig

I have twins. I can’t see the benefit of having two babies 9 months apart. To me that would be worse than having twins in many ways. You’ll be exhausted.

I was going to write exactly the same. At least with twins (or 2 babies the same age in your case, OP) there are advantages. With 9m apart you have the worse of both worlds IMO.

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Overthinking1 · 21/03/2021 18:19

we have chatted all day along with reading this thread, and I think 9 months wouldn't be on the cards, realistically it would be either 3-4 months or waiting until around 18months.
we will avoid being in the same year after all your comments which we hadn't considered being an issue before -thanks!

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Bumpsadaisie · 21/03/2021 18:23

Good luck OP.

Don't underestimate how much the person giving birth and breastfeeding needs the support of someone who hasn't given birth and isn't breastfeeding. Even if the baby is easy.

She will really need you, and later on you will really need her. You can't give each other that if have them too close.

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Overthinking1 · 21/03/2021 18:29

i also appreciate how ridiculous this looks to anyone going through difficulties trying to concieve with me thinking I can be so specific on dates - this is a purely "on paper whilst we initially figure it out" exercise

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funtimefrank · 21/03/2021 18:48

Another twin mum who thinks you may have the downsides and few of the upsides.

The same school year thing I'd try to avoid, especially if you live in an area where primaries have a single class entry. I have one bright but not popular and one popular but not as bright and the comparison between them has been really tough. I'd not choose that.

The 2 in nappies and the sleep thing - meh. My mum had a 3 year gap and baby 2 (me) slept through before baby 1. You don't know. But cost is an issue - you may not get hand me downs/shared toys etc. Baby no 1 may not have out grown stuff in time.

I adore having twins and now that they are pre teens we definitely are getting freedom back quicker than friends and family with age gaps but without being sanctimonious I didn't have kids to wish away my time with them (that sounds dickish but hopefully you get what I mean).

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Overthinking1 · 21/03/2021 18:55

@funtimefrank no totally get what you mean, and its not "long" in the grand scheme of things

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CycleWoman · 21/03/2021 18:58

I think waiting a little longer is a good choice. The first year is hard going and will give you both time to recover before doing it again! But as well as being hard going it is absolutely lovely. They change from a tiny little helpless thing to an almost walking and talking person! I’d enjoy that bit uninterrupted!

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CoffeeWithCheese · 21/03/2021 18:59

I have about 10 1/2 months between my two - combination of it being a 6 year fight to have our first, and not wanting to risk the same again with the second, and me not seeming to carry pregnancies to full term made it that close.

Honestly? You just get on with what you get - I found it fine as I was already on baby footing so there wasn't that shock to the system, and, despite the usual judgemental comments about "oh you'll never enjoy their baby days" - I still did and they are so incredibly close now as tweenagers as well. The one thing I AM glad on is that they've fallen into separate school years as that would have been quite a negative power imbalance in the relationship and they'd never leave each other alone!

Although at the moment I do have a mildly annoyed DD1 as DD2 is now the same age number as her for a few weeks and she's "nicked" DD1's number!

Wouldn't change them for the world (although I'd reduce the decibel count down slightly at times).

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Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 21/03/2021 19:05

Have one and see how you feel then, you might be one and done!

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IrishMamaMia · 21/03/2021 19:09

I don't think it would necessarily be a bad thing but definitely wait and see how you feel with having one. Life changes when you have kids and I know some families who originally planned two close in age but decided to happily stick with one for that reason.

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CrotchetyQuaver · 21/03/2021 19:14

I had 13 months between my two and it was bloody hard work that first year with both of them. Two babies, but with very different needs. Possibly might be easier for the two of you as each is your own baby rather than one mother with 2, but presumably one of you would look after both of them in the longer term whilst the other one is out working? I would think planning a minimum 12 month gap would be better for you all in the longer term both for logistics and also all the twin type questions that would follow if they are both in the same year group.

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skeggycaggy · 21/03/2021 19:15

@SarahAndQuack what do you think, now you are parents? Do you wish the clinic had let you do it?

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Bluecarcarmom · 21/03/2021 19:20

Me and my wife (same sex marriage) have both had babies in the last two years. My wife had one first and then I did and our children are 13 months apart. We knew as soon as the older one was born we wanted a small age gap. I also have a child from a previous relationship who is ten and the age gap is more difficult.
Both of our babies are from the same egg collection and are so similar but so different at the same time.
Having two so close together has been incredibly difficult with lack of sleep but so rewarding to see their bond and watch them grow and develop together. We are mindful to make sure the older one doesn’t have to grow up too fast. We now feel our family is complete and we are excited to watch them grow up together. In my opinion a smaller age gap has been easier than the bigger one as it’s as easy to change two nappies as one but keeping a toddler and pre teen happy at the same time can be hard.
I would say have one, make sure everyone is okay then start the process for a second one.
Good luck x

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