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AIBU to think of having an under 9 month age gap..

186 replies

Overthinking1 · 21/03/2021 12:03

This is totally hypothetical at the moment as I appreciate any pregnancy success is relatively un predictable..but my partner and I are going through IVf now (same sex).

She is going first as she is almost 40 and we hope to have two children..I am planning to carry our second child.

we have been discussing timescales around when this should happen.
Would we be insane to try and have a second child so close to the other? I'm just thinking there may be the benefits of almost twins without the health risks for any parent carrying two (appreciate twins are difficult in many other ways too)

I know 2 is going to be crazy hard regardless, so would appreciate any thoughts on what you all think?? is a very small age gap ridiculous or would you do it if you had the choice?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

345 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
trevthecat · 21/03/2021 12:07

I would either try to have them around the same time or wait. My friend has 2, 11 months apart, same school year and it's getting harder for the kids to explain as they get older that they are bro and sis but not twins! She wishes they had been further apart too, she said it was insane being so close but so far apart in age/ development. Sure as they get older (they are now 6 and 7) the gap won't matter though

MeadowHay · 21/03/2021 12:08

I mean, there's no way in hell I would have that small an age gap personally, but everyone is different and different things work for different families. Our no.2 will be born when no.1 is just over 3. No.1 is 'spirited', 'high needs' whatever you want to call it and screamed almost all the time until she was about 9mo and still a lot thereafter, it nearly broke me and DH. But not all babies are like that thankfully! I would though consider school years, I think it might be difficult if they would be in the same school year as each other, I imagine they would get a lot of odd questions from people/other kids about that.

NewjobOldme · 21/03/2021 12:10

I don't think it's a good idea. Newborns are hard work without also dealing with the early stages of pregnancy so it's not a choice I'd make.

bloodywhitecat · 21/03/2021 12:11

My last two fosterlings were four months apart in age, the first one was 7 months old when I collected a 7 week old from hospital, I found it very manageable but I am not sure I would chose to have siblings with such a small gap.

Griselda1 · 21/03/2021 12:12

Would both of you still be on maternity leave if this was to happen or would the bulk of the childcare fall to the last to get pregnant.There's so many variables involved as with any pregnancies. What would worry me is that you would be getting pregnant before you really know how your partner or her baby are coping.
Another perspective of course is that pregnancy and childbirth are chaotic and difficult anyway so go with the flow. It would be wonderful to have the babies so close in age.
A relative did aim for something similar but the older partner who also has a congenital heart condition had several miscarriages and my relative carried both babies with a lengthy age gap.

Cap89 · 21/03/2021 12:17

I’m pregnant with our second (unplannedBlush) and will be due when ds is 22 months. That feels like enough of a scarily close age gap for me!! Obviously if it were your dp having both babies a gap as close as 9months would be almost impossible to achieve, so there won’t be many people who have experienced siblings that close. But obviously with you having baby 2 it’s very possible! But boy I think it would be hard work and like pp said, being the same school year might be odd for them as they grow up. On the other side, you really would get the newborn years over and done with quickly, so that would be a plus, and children close in age supposedly have close sibling relationships.

DancesWithDaffodils · 21/03/2021 12:23

I'd not plan to have them in the same school year.
Maternity for the second mother could be tough with a newborn and young baby - but youd save a bucket load of nursery fees if there was effectively an 18month maternity leave between you. Fees tend to drop aged 2.

Overthinking1 · 21/03/2021 12:23

We both plan on taking 12 months leave (for each baby) so considering the affordability of this is something to think about yes. although I get full pay for 3 months anyway which could be the last 3 months when my wife was almost going back to work.

Other context - when she does go back to work, she works a short week and from home full time. I wfh a couple of days a week and we have the funds for nursery from 12 months of age for 1 / both when needed.

OP posts:
Overthinking1 · 21/03/2021 12:24

5 months full pay sorry

OP posts:
Springsnake · 21/03/2021 12:27

I had 3 under 3 ...
But I loved every second ,and only wished I had spread them out to make it last longer ,it was over in a flash ,they are adults now

Springsnake · 21/03/2021 12:28

In your situation,I’d plan on you both being pregnant at the time ,how lovely to go through everything together,and have your maternity leave together

Emeraldshamrock · 21/03/2021 12:30

It isn't insane but you probably won't get much support throughout the pregnancy your partner will be recovering too.
I'd let the baby be the baby for 9 months then do it, an 18 month gap seems better plus you've no idea how baby one will be, DS had an abdominal hernia, reflux, colic, sensory disorder, he cried non stop for 2 years.

OcelotPanda · 21/03/2021 12:35

I wouldn't because you can't guarantee how you are going to feel while pregnant. I had awful hyperemesis with both my kids. The fact the eldest slept through the second time round and went to a childminder is all that saved my sanity. If you have a bad pregnancy and your partner has her hands full with a very small baby it would be really miserable.

Figrollface · 21/03/2021 12:37

You need to think of the children and the impact this will have on them.
They're the ones who'll have to grow up explaining how they're so close in age and then end up with lots of intrusive questions and comments on the whole situation regarding their conception and biological relationship to each parent.

Stick with at least a year gap and enjoy been new parents and finding your feet and seeing how you all adapt to one child and meeting all their needs before rushing in to having a second.

OcelotPanda · 21/03/2021 12:37


In your situation,I’d plan on you both being pregnant at the time ,how lovely to go through everything together,and have your maternity leave together

If they do that who is their birth partner though? Or if one pregnancy doesn't go to plan and the other does, it could be extraordinarily hard. A friend of mine was pregnant at the same time as me and lost her baby. I know she struggled for a long time watching my pregnancy progress and then my child being born. At least she could avoid me if she needed to.
whatwherewhywhenhow · 21/03/2021 12:38

I think a close gap is a good idea but being in the same year at school but not being twins is a bit odd and would require constant explaining.

I think 18 months apart is ideal because it’s still close but you have time to devote to the first baby and that adjustment and the mother’s recovery before then having the time and energy for the second baby and mother.

MoiraNotRuby · 21/03/2021 12:42

I'd wait and be able to reuse baby equipment, clothes etc.

I also wonder about the dynamic... you could almost end up with one baby 'each' because your hands will be so full with small babies that it will be practical to do things that way. You might not both bond as well with each child and each become default parent for your birthed child.

Whereas if you have a bigger gap you can both dedicate more time to each child.

Fwiw there's 20 months between my dc and its a brilliant gap.

user1493494961 · 21/03/2021 12:43

I know someone with a 7 month gap (premature birth). Do what you feel is best for your family.

Oblomov21 · 21/03/2021 12:45

I think you are making a mistake with 9 months or less.
Most mums will say it's easier best fur a difference of a school year.

Then when the first is in Year 1, the 2nd starts Reception.

WonkyCactus · 21/03/2021 12:46

Wait and see how you get on with one first!

EmmaJR1 · 21/03/2021 12:48

My first was 13 months when 2nd was born.
Baby stage was amazing (dc1 was a heavenly sleeper) toddler stage was not too bad...

Preschoolers now (3.5 and 2.5) and... well they play nicely and are hilarious... but my god when they fight it's hell on earth!

So in short it doesn't get easier in a straight line - ups and downs continue. What is easier is considering holidays and days out. We only have one age group to consider. Dd inherits ds clothes. And all toys are shared, except special ones.

20viona · 21/03/2021 12:49

Dear god no.

Artesia · 21/03/2021 12:49

I think you risk a really strange dynamic for the kids growing up- they would be so close they would want to do the same things, but the older one would always bit a little bit further ahead, quicker, more co-ordinated etc, and the younger one feeling not quite as good.

Funnyface1 · 21/03/2021 12:51

There is a 6 year age gap between my children. It was on purpose, we are not a blended family and if I could go back and have them closer together I absolutely wouldn't. Just to give you an idea.

HettieHelvetica · 21/03/2021 12:52

Personally I'd aim for a minimum of a year. Partly to ensure they were in different school years and not being constantly compared to each other, but mostly because having two close together/ at the same time could lead to one of you being the "default" for each newborn, and a subsequent more obvious distinction between "your baby" and "her baby". A bit of space might more easily lead to "the baby" and "the toddler".

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