AIBU to think of having an under 9 month age gap..

[Overthinking1]

This is totally hypothetical at the moment as I appreciate any pregnancy success is relatively un predictable..but my partner and I are going through IVf now (same sex).

She is going first as she is almost 40 and we hope to have two children..I am planning to carry our second child.

we have been discussing timescales around when this should happen.
Would we be insane to try and have a second child so close to the other? I'm just thinking there may be the benefits of almost twins without the health risks for any parent carrying two (appreciate twins are difficult in many other ways too)

I know 2 is going to be crazy hard regardless, so would appreciate any thoughts on what you all think?? is a very small age gap ridiculous or would you do it if you had the choice?

[Overthinking1]

@MySocalledLoaf thanks so much, its good to hear how its working with others. I have many lesbian friends but only a few that have had children and none that have yet had multiples to know how best to go about this.

[Nameregretter]

@SarahAndQuack not so much difference that it outweighs the downsides of doing this, in my opinion.

With a biologically normal age gap I don’t think you would have the sense that a baby “belonged” to each parent, but if the babies are basically the same age you’re going to have to do pretty much everything in parallel, rather than both of you looking after one child together, and then another child. If they breastfeed then they will each spend the majority of the time with the child they gave birth to. I think it would be really hard to avoid that kind of divide in that kind of scenario.

[MySocalledLoaf]

@SarahAndQuack
I find it really odd that people assume a same-sex couple would end up with one baby 'belonging' to one parent. I don't get why?
When I’ve encountered this attitude in real life it’s been because people have quite rigid gender roles, or are just homophobic.

[Skysblue]

If they’re not being carried by the same womb then I don’t see the issue. Do what you like. Maybe wait to see if the first is a good or bad sleeper first - my child woke every hour for two years.

[Overthinking1]

I wouldn't judge that so quickly its something my partner and I discussed when deciding who would carry / whose embryo it was etc as I think knowing the impact of that genetic pull can't be overlooked / known until you're in the position.

[sabrinathemiddleagewitch]

I would want them to be close, but in separate school years so they have their own friends, teacher, classes and therefore identities.

[BertieBotts]

I suppose if you were both breastfeeding and felt weird about breastfeeding the "wrong" baby then you might end up with the mine/yours dynamic, otherwise it would just be like twins wouldn't it - twins don't usually end up with a mine/yours dynamic. I am guessing if there were two babies in the house, and they were both mine (even if py partner had given birth, I just mean as opposed to a house share for example) and I had a milk supply then I would just feed whichever, but I don't actually know, having not been in the situation. I guess it could be awkward if one of you had problems breastfeeding and the other did not! OTOH maybe it would take the pressure off somewhat.

Anyway, this is all just speculation. Since several posters have mentioned they know a couple or several who have done this, I would suggest it would be the most helpful to try and seek out someone with experience of this dynamic, as there is a lot of guesswork on this thread (as usual for AIBU, to be fair!) The foster carers and nannies who have replied probably have the best assessment of the day to day care stuff and schooling issues etc, but only another same sex couple who have actually had an

[SarahAndQuack]

[quote Nameregretter]@SarahAndQuack not so much difference that it outweighs the downsides of doing this, in my opinion.

With a biologically normal age gap I don’t think you would have the sense that a baby “belonged” to each parent, but if the babies are basically the same age you’re going to have to do pretty much everything in parallel, rather than both of you looking after one child together, and then another child. If they breastfeed then they will each spend the majority of the time with the child they gave birth to. I think it would be really hard to avoid that kind of divide in that kind of scenario.[/quote]
Why would you think you wouldn't breastfeed both? Most people do IME.

[LavenderLollies]

Absolutely nuts idea imo. While you may believe currently you want two children, you can’t know that for certain until you have one. You can’t possibly fully understand how it is to have a newborn, a baby, a child. For context we were sure we wanted two, until we had one! And we love being parents to bits, he’s our absolute world, but there’s absolutely no way we want any more. Having the reality of a child can really sway you into realising you want more or fewer kids than you originally thought you wanted. I have so many friends who were sure they wanted two or three but realised they were happy with one once baby arrived. And it can take a good few months for that to sink in. I also know people who have acknowledged that if they could go back they’d have stuck with one, they love their second but regret having had them. It’s just too much for them.

Not to mention you don’t know what kind of shape physically your partner/wife will be in after birth (I was left with lifelong birth injuries and severe daily pain permanently, to the extent I have to take morphine daily now), whether baby will be a breeze or have complex needs, how you’ll both adjust to being parents.

It’s just too big a decision to rush into and not fair on either child in this scenario. Have your first, wait a year, and then decide. Better to wait and potentially leave it too late than rush and make the wrong decision that will affect multiple people for a lifetime.

[LavenderLollies]

@SarahAndQuack

What do you mean most people do? I have plenty of LGBT friends and two women having babies at the same or almost same time isn’t really so common that you can say ‘most’ do anything in particular.

Unless you misunderstood and mean most women who want to and are able to bf bf two consecutive babies? But this will be one baby per parent.

[SarahAndQuack]

[quote BertieBotts]I suppose if you were both breastfeeding and felt weird about breastfeeding the "wrong" baby then you might end up with the mine/yours dynamic, otherwise it would just be like twins wouldn't it - twins don't usually end up with a mine/yours dynamic. I am guessing if there were two babies in the house, and they were both mine (even if py partner had given birth, I just mean as opposed to a house share for example) and I had a milk supply then I would just feed whichever, but I don't actually know, having not been in the situation. I guess it could be awkward if one of you had problems breastfeeding and the other did not! OTOH maybe it would take the pressure off somewhat.

Anyway, this is all just speculation. Since several posters have mentioned they know a couple or several who have done this, I would suggest it would be the most helpful to try and seek out someone with experience of this dynamic, as there is a lot of guesswork on this thread (as usual for AIBU, to be fair!) The foster carers and nannies who have replied probably have the best assessment of the day to day care stuff and schooling issues etc, but only another same sex couple who have actually had an

[SarahAndQuack]

[quote LavenderLollies]@SarahAndQuack

What do you mean most people do? I have plenty of LGBT friends and two women having babies at the same or almost same time isn’t really so common that you can say ‘most’ do anything in particular.

Unless you misunderstood and mean most women who want to and are able to bf bf two consecutive babies? But this will be one baby per parent.[/quote]
Oh, that's interesting!

As I said earlier in the thread, my sisters-in-law had their babies weeks apart, and DP and I wanted to but it didn't work out. I know of quite a few lesbian couples who do this; it wasn't strange to the lactation consultant who did our NCT group.

It is different from tandem feeding an older baby and a newborn, I think, but historically it must have been very common that women would breastfeed various babies not all biologically theirs.

[SarahAndQuack]

Oh! And sorry, my 'most' was about women who do both have babies at the same time. It's a relatively small group, but within that group, I think most people breastfeed both babies if they're breastfeeding either.

[LavenderLollies]

@Moelwynbach

My gran had one then another 8 months later than another ten months later. The world did not end.

You sound kinda flippant but this comes across as really sad. I find it very hard to imagine a woman who has given birth a couple of weeks ago was desperate to start having sex again ASAP tbh. Things were different in those days (though not so different compared to how women are treated some parts of the world) and rape within marriage wasn’t even made illegal until the 1980s. Your poor gran.

[LavenderLollies]

It’s so difficult to predict what would happen with any certainty isn’t it @SarahAndQuack 1-5% of women don’t ever produce enough milk for their baby so that’s not particularly uncommon, however all of this rests on whether someone actually plans to breastfeed which plenty don’t so it’s not necessarily an issue unless OP wants it to be :)

[GloGirl]

YANBU just try and squeeze them in the same school year.

You might struggle physically if youre both going to go through childbirth and have 2 babies, car seats to lump round. Even up to 2 years later with possible injuries or pelvic pain etc

[Overthinking1]

@LavenderLollies we would both plan to breastfeed our birth babies if possible although if that wasn't possible then so be it. I guess being able to both share that with similar aged babies would have its own benefits but it isn't something we are particularly thinking about.

[SarahAndQuack]

@LavenderLollies

It’s so difficult to predict what would happen with any certainty isn’t it *@SarahAndQuack* 1-5% of women don’t ever produce enough milk for their baby so that’s not particularly uncommon, however all of this rests on whether someone actually plans to breastfeed which plenty don’t so it’s not necessarily an issue unless OP wants it to be :)

YY, exactly.

I think it's borrowing trouble to presume that breastfeeding would automatically mean the parents didn't love or bond with their non-bio child, when it's just one fairly tiny aspect of parenting.

[Blyatiful]

There was someone on my antenatal class who found out that she was pregnant at her 6 week check. She had twins, so had three children under 1.

[Overthinking1]

@Blyatiful I mean, we would just have to cope with it if we had to but bloody hell I hope not

[81Byerley]

I had 16 months between my first two. Given my time again I wouldn't do it. Babies deserve to have time and attention, and I feel my little boy missed out when his sister was born.

[BertieBotts]

Sarah that doesn't surprise me at all! Breastfeeding is often more flexible than we tend to think of in general in the UK. I don't see any reason why you wouldn't both feed both babies either, but I do think the instant reaction to feeding a baby another woman has given birth to is visceral for a lot of people. However, it's probably different if it's your own female partner, and therefore your own child. Having never had a female partner, I have absolutely no context for imagining it, so I have no idea if it would feel weird.

It's not even only a historical thing that women would share breastfeeding of (e.g.) cousins, friends etc where childcare is shared for logistical reasons - this still happens in some cultures today, and there is usually a taboo about children who were nursed by the same woman having sexual relations when they grow up, as they are called (some variation of) "Milk siblings" and considered, in some way, related.

I think it is likely that it does help where there are issues, in much the same way that tandem feeding can help keep a supply going if a newborn is struggling to latch. It can be a lot to juggle feeding the baby, dealing with your own milk production and getting enough rest etc. And at least if they were being breastfed by someone else you don't have the issue of bottle confusion because in theory they could just swap straight back.

[AngelaScandal]

I am friends with a couple who did just this - their DDs are 3 months apart. It’s very much a ‘my DD’ ‘your DD’ scenario, even within the extended families. They are more like a blended stepfamily than a family with siblings who join a few years apart. Neither mother feels like they got quality time with the babies in the early days.

[SarahAndQuack]

@bertiebotts - YY, I have heard the same about it being a current thing in some contexts/cultures.

I've heard of women who're not in same-sex relationships who shared breastfeeding, but it was decades ago and very much part of that conscious 70s feminist idea of dismantling the nuclear family. I don't know more details than that it apparently happened.

As to the taboo, though ... I mean, would it not be just the same as the very common experience loads of MNers report where the baby has been left with dad and has frantically tried to latch on to his little finger? Newborns do, don't they? IME babies very quickly learn that these nipples don't give milk but those ones do, but if both women were lactating I would think they would not be fussy. I've certainly seen at NCT group meetings that if one woman starts nursing, all the breastfed babies would start whimpering.

I'm digressing a bit. But what I think is, we're conditioned as a society to presume that same-sex parents are a bit odd, we're inclined to dismiss what they do as automatically inferior. I get why the OP is wanting to think things through carefully, but I also think there are good reasons to see positives in what she is suggesting.

[Ringshanks]

Are you in the uk? You cannot legally start Ivf for your second child until your wife’s child is born (or vice versa) . It’s in the hfea guidelines so applies for nhs or private . We have two children and carried one each . Good luck !