AIBU to think of having an under 9 month age gap..

[Overthinking1]

This is totally hypothetical at the moment as I appreciate any pregnancy success is relatively un predictable..but my partner and I are going through IVf now (same sex).

She is going first as she is almost 40 and we hope to have two children..I am planning to carry our second child.

we have been discussing timescales around when this should happen.
Would we be insane to try and have a second child so close to the other? I'm just thinking there may be the benefits of almost twins without the health risks for any parent carrying two (appreciate twins are difficult in many other ways too)

I know 2 is going to be crazy hard regardless, so would appreciate any thoughts on what you all think?? is a very small age gap ridiculous or would you do it if you had the choice?

[Caspianberg]

I wouldn’t want this

As an idea, my baby (just 1 of them) is 10 months. He’s already running about, climbing stuff and into everything. He’s still breastfed, and wakes 2-3 times overnight still.

If I had another baby already it would be a nightmare.

[HTH1]

I knew a same sex couple who did something very similar. They had a boy and a girl (one white, one Asian as each partner used her own egg) with an age gap of approx 7 or 8 months which meant they couldn’t quite be twins/full siblings.

I think they were quite happy with the timings and it all worked out ok. If it were me though, I would aim for a much closer gap so they could be ‘twins’ (I think that would be easier rather than having them at slightly different but equally difficult stages). The only wrinkle would be if the IVF pregnancies ended up as multiple births as quite often happens, so you could end up with ‘quads’!

[tigerbread20]

I met 2 ladies at a baby group who did this. Their boys were 7 months apart. Worked fabulously for them and the boys did and do get on so well.

[Moelwynbach]

My gran had one then another 8 months later than another ten months later. The world did not end.

[MsChatterbox]

Personally I wouldn't want to. I have a 3.5 year old and a 9 month old. My 9 month old is just starting to get really really fun and showing personality. I would hate to add a newborn right now and take all my attention away from that! Just ime with my gap it's felt like I could really enjoy each babyhood rather than just getting by!

[HTH1]

@sbhydrogen

My friends mum had a 12 month gap with her first two, and then my friend was born 18 months later. Three kids in three consecutive school years!

I'd leave a 12 month gap at least so your body has a slight chance to recover and you get past that newborn stage (very tiresome). Plus, sex hurts for the first month at least 🤣

The OP and her partner are in a same sex relationship, so the body recovering and sex hurting parts are unlikely to apply here!

[SunshineCake]

I used to look after two babies who were three months apart from when they were eight and five months old. Tbh I'd forgotten they were so young. I loved it. I had only looked after one baby before that who was younger. It must have been okay as I did another nanny share job where the babies were days apart and that was from when they were under six months.

I would have them close together but I would have more of a think about the school year situation than anything else. Hard to have one starting school at four and one nearly five.

[SunshineCake]

A neighbour had her second child before the first was one. They had another two years later but not the fourth they had planned.

[Greenrubber]

I would try and do it at the same time then you can both have the benifits of a year off together to look after your babies it's such a nice time would be lovely to share it properly

[burninglikefire]

I had my third child when my oldest was 2 years and two months - i.e. two 13 month gaps and 3 consecutive school years. I loved it BUT I was young, could afford to be a SAHM for a few years and was willing to have my life completely taken over my the needs of small people for a while!

[Dixiechickonhols]

Under 9 months or same school year I think you’ll attract comments which may be annoying to the children. It will draw more attention to same sex relationship and fact not full siblings. Plus they won’t be at same stage developmentally - I know a grandma at school who minded cousins in same class and said it was hard when younger.

[Ginger1982]

@Springsnake

In your situation,I’d plan on you both being pregnant at the time ,how lovely to go through everything together,and have your maternity leave together

Oh no, definitely not. You need support and help from someone able especially in the first few months, not someone equally physically exhausted with their own baby.

[dottiedodah]

I had a friend with 3 very close together, and boy was it hard work! I think a little bigger gap would be more manageable really .You will have 2 young babes to cope with and be in the recovery of birth ,feeding and so on .If you both feel exhausted there is no one to pick up the slack as it were!

[Allyo19]

My 2 are 13 months apart and it's great. Its been hard work but now at almost 3 and 2, they are really fun. I personally couldn't imagine finishing nappies etc, then starting again.

Worth thinking about the cost of childcare for the two of them at the same time. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't earn enough to go back to work yet.

[Norwaydidnthappen]

Wait to have the first one before you decide. I know you’ve probably heard this and it may induce eye rolls but you genuinely have no idea how you’ll cope until the baby is here. The first year can be totally exhausting, I can’t personally imagine dealing with pregnancy symptoms during the newborn days.

[Ginger1982]

I also think (as someone who got pregnant on a first round of IVF and then had multiple failed rounds thereafter) that you need to think about how you will feel if you can't get pregnant as quickly as you expect. You don't want your first year or so with baby 1 to be fraught with anguish over possibly failing to conceive baby 2.

[JanewaysBun]

I would try to both get pregnant at the same time and aim for "twins" 9 months is a fine gap imo (I have an 18 month gap which I think is perfect). As your e 40 you will want to get on it asap

[Nameregretter]

Realistically if the embryos are already there then waiting an extra year is not going to make a massive difference to their time with your parents, or the convenience of having friends with similar aged children.

But it will be a huge difference to the dynamics of family life, for the better. Points everyone has already made but really so much better for the children to have individual time and attention as the baby. I have a 2.5 year old and 4 month old and I already feel my attention is split, but at least I had 2 years of quality time with my eldest and will have one to one with the baby when he’s at nursery.

I am a twin and I hated never being seen as an individual, or having time alone with parents as a default thing.

We were very different but obviously at the same stage at school etc and it introduced comparisons and competition on everything from friendship groups to looks to academic performance. Why would you choose that? They would still be close enough to have lots in common with an 18 month gap.

The fact that one would be “yours” and one would be “your partners” also risks producing a really unhealthy dynamic. I think it would be difficult if not impossible to avoid that. As others have said they’d have all the downsides of being essentially twins but with the additional problem of being at potentially different stages (one always ahead) and of having to constantly explain themselves.

Plus it would be physically and mentally exhausting for both of you. I’ve breastfed both of mine and it means doing all the night feeds, but DH does pretty much everything around the house. Imagine if you’re both exhausted, recovering from difficult births, potential pnd...just a total nightmare.

I honestly think it’s crazy. When you have one baby you will realise this!

[SarahAndQuack]

@Nameregretter

Realistically if the embryos are already there then waiting an extra year is not going to make a massive difference to their time with your parents, or the convenience of having friends with similar aged children.

But it will be a huge difference to the dynamics of family life, for the better. Points everyone has already made but really so much better for the children to have individual time and attention as the baby. I have a 2.5 year old and 4 month old and I already feel my attention is split, but at least I had 2 years of quality time with my eldest and will have one to one with the baby when he’s at nursery.

I am a twin and I hated never being seen as an individual, or having time alone with parents as a default thing.

We were very different but obviously at the same stage at school etc and it introduced comparisons and competition on everything from friendship groups to looks to academic performance. Why would you choose that? They would still be close enough to have lots in common with an 18 month gap.

The fact that one would be “yours” and one would be “your partners” also risks producing a really unhealthy dynamic. I think it would be difficult if not impossible to avoid that. As others have said they’d have all the downsides of being essentially twins but with the additional problem of being at potentially different stages (one always ahead) and of having to constantly explain themselves.

Plus it would be physically and mentally exhausting for both of you. I’ve breastfed both of mine and it means doing all the night feeds, but DH does pretty much everything around the house. Imagine if you’re both exhausted, recovering from difficult births, potential pnd...just a total nightmare.

I honestly think it’s crazy. When you have one baby you will realise this!

I am not sure that's true about the embryos? It's a sad fact that miscarriage risk is quite high as you approach 40 (and that's not me scaremongering; I'm in this boat), and there are good reasons for trying earlier rather than later.

I find it really odd that people assume a same-sex couple would end up with one baby 'belonging' to one parent. I don't get why?

[Overthinking1]

@Ginger1982 agreed, we completely accept and somewhat expect this to be the case (that it takes a lot longer than planned/if at all) we are just trying to think of what we would be comfortable with from a best case starting point as that could also happen.

[mindutopia]

Will you actually be able to afford nursery for 2 though? It’s about £800-1100 each per month. That’s likely over £2000 a month in childcare costs. You will not be able to wfh and care for two children (or even 1).

I had 5 years between mine (carefully planned that way), but personally I’d see how you get on with 1 first. If you make it through the first 3 months okay, then I might consider it. Personally I wouldn’t have less than a 3 year age gap as I think it’s nice for them to have lots of quality time with you when they’re little and without you being completely bedraggled.

[MySocalledLoaf]

We tried for a six month gap but thankfully it didn’t work as when I did get pregnant with our second child I couldn’t walk from week 7. So only try it if you have potential family help or can pay for help I would say (although the positive side effect was that I was on sick leave almost the whole year while my daughter was a baby). We ended up with an 11 month gap when the second was premature. They are in different school years. It is amazing and definitely worth considering because one is clearly the big one and one the small, but they play together all day and have a very nice relationship. Also zero jealousy because the oldest wasn’t really aware of being alone. We had adjacent maternity leaves and are both working part time until the youngest starts school.
You do have a particular relationship with a child you are breastfeeding (you have to be careful jointly feeding in the first weeks because you can affect the supply of the one who gave birth) but it fades after weaning so I wouldn’t worry about it.
To the person who wondered whether you feel like two single mothers sharing a house, not really, you feel like two adults in a sexual relationship sharing a house and bringing up children together.

[Overthinking1]

@mindutopia yes we are very lucky that we could afford that for two. whilst it wouldn't leave a huge amount left over It would be an average amount that a lot of families live on with a single child in nursery.

my worry with doing 1 and seeing how it goes is.. I think we would like it! I could really easily see ourselves happily with one child and it being a much easier life. however we are both 1 of 3 , and we agreed that because of this and how we have both felt, we wouldn't want to not try for a sibling. if we wait too long I worry that we would change our mind and stay at 1 which isn't what I would want for our baby (purely based on our own feelings of having siblings. I do have plenty of singleton friends who are perfectly happy with life and who would say we are being daft)

[MySocalledLoaf]

It gets loads easier when the toddler gets to two and a half/threeish and I know a lot of families who reached that point and couldn’t face a second. It was perfect for us to push through the sleepless nights and nappy stages in one go (they wore the same size nappy for more than a year).

[Di11y]

I think that would be very challenging with sleepless nights etc. Also only do it if the children will be in different years at school.