AIBU to think of having an under 9 month age gap..

[Overthinking1]

This is totally hypothetical at the moment as I appreciate any pregnancy success is relatively un predictable..but my partner and I are going through IVf now (same sex).

She is going first as she is almost 40 and we hope to have two children..I am planning to carry our second child.

we have been discussing timescales around when this should happen.
Would we be insane to try and have a second child so close to the other? I'm just thinking there may be the benefits of almost twins without the health risks for any parent carrying two (appreciate twins are difficult in many other ways too)

I know 2 is going to be crazy hard regardless, so would appreciate any thoughts on what you all think?? is a very small age gap ridiculous or would you do it if you had the choice?

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

My mother had two 14 months apart. It wasn't good for either baby - or for her, in all honesty.

[changingnames786]

I'd ensure they were in different school years at least.

[Bakeachocolatecake2day]

Cons

1. You have no idea how (either) of you will cope with pregnancy birth and difficult/easy the newborns will be
   
2. Maternity pay (or lack of)
   
3. Will you both go back to work full time? (I know virtually no one with small kids who both work full time)
   
4. Double nappies (indeed double everything!)
   
5. Babies = expensive childcare, can you afford it?
   
   Pros
   
6. They will (probably) be close friends
   
7. You get it over quicker, so the baby / toddler / nappies phase is over quicker (a friend who had two 11 months apart said it was hell on earth at first but then she got "freedom" back sooner
   
   I'm not sure many people plan it as there is a lot that can go wrong.

[wintertime6]

I have a 13 month gap between my children and think there are lots of benefits to a small age gap. But if it was me, I would wait until the first baby has arrived safely until you make any decision about the second. What if your first baby was to have health issues? How do you know how you will both cope with a new baby? You'll not know the answer to some of those things until the first baby has actually been born.

[Viviennemary]

I think twins would be the best bet in your circumstances,

[LibertyWX]

I have a 13month age gap & love it!
Hard at first but the best thing I've ever done. They love eachother so much (they fight too obviously haha) but they're into the same things, at the same time & there's only a school year between them! Its perfect. Unplanned but perfect!

[Fnib]

I would be very concerned that with both of you pregnant/postpartum, that neither of you will be able to give the other the support she needs.
Imagine one very new mum, sleepless nights, poss pnd (sorry!) and one pregnant one who is sick, fatigued and struggling.
Women need support. They don't always get it, granted, but they really should have it.
The points made about how the children will feel are very valid too, but right off the bat my concern is how you would cope as mothers.
Good luck with whatever you decide

[Aloethere]

I wouldn't. I would want the time to enjoy both as babies. Everything would seem more hectic with 2 so close. The little baby stage is so short as it is I wouldn't want to club them both together.

[Hankunamatata]

23 month gap and it was too much. 3 year gap was much easier and manageable.

[DinoHat]

Good luck whatever you decide OP. There is no perfect approach to age gaps and parenting, but on the whole people muddle through and the kids are happy and none the wiser to the struggles of their parents.

[Thefaceofboe]

I know a same sex couple who have ‘twins’ 3 months apart one had IVF shortly after the other using the same doner.

[laudete]

I think the main issue is trying to ensure they are born in different school years. I feel it would be awful to be academically compared to a different aged sibling in the same year group. I don't just mean parents doing the comparing - the teachers and classmates will do it, whether consciously or unconsciously.

Best of luck with the IVF; I hope it works for both of you. FWIW, if it came down it, I'm sure you'd cope with whatever parenting challenges are thrown at you if it's a gap of a few months or a few years because that's what parents do. x

[aprilanne]

I think you won't have much bonding time with the other baby because she will basically be looking after her child while you are pregnant and tired then when your baby born you have two infants to look after non of the baby's are really getting much quality time before another comes along it's not like twins at the same age .think if you both want to give birth you need to think of a better age gap than that sorry

[Diesse]

Irish twins. Quite a few in my family, not easy at all!

[Flowers24]

Do what works for you - if you are 40's and worried about age and getting pregnant then why not, if you are both together as a unit you will be ok

[BunnyJumper]

Hi Op,

My two are 10.5 months apart. Won't be in the same school year.
I do love seeing them together, they are very cute but it is also hard work! We sleep trained both from 7 months, so they're both very good sleepers now but we did have some tough times! I'm sure there are more to come!

I do sometimes feel a bit sad that I didn't get to 'enjoy' my firstborn for very long before number 2 came along. Life is a lot easier with one!!

Good luck op x

[seepingweeping]

My friend is due her 3rd, all very close together in age.

I have a large age gap because that worked for me. Everyone feels differently.

[Nanny0gg]

@Overthinking1

This is totally hypothetical at the moment as I appreciate any pregnancy success is relatively un predictable..but my partner and I are going through IVf now (same sex).

She is going first as she is almost 40 and we hope to have two children..I am planning to carry our second child.

we have been discussing timescales around when this should happen.
Would we be insane to try and have a second child so close to the other? I'm just thinking there may be the benefits of almost twins without the health risks for any parent carrying two (appreciate twins are difficult in many other ways too)

I know 2 is going to be crazy hard regardless, so would appreciate any thoughts on what you all think?? is a very small age gap ridiculous or would you do it if you had the choice?

9months is still a baby and then you have a newborn..

It's not so much the work as the missing out on the joy of baby to toddlerhood whilst your attention is on the newborn.

Twins is a very different thing to 'almost' twins,

[tuliprosedaffodil]

Oh no no no! Don't have a second baby before you've even decided if you like having one first!

What everyone else said. The 'your baby/her baby' thing. Being in the same school year but one being ahead of the other. One post-partum woman needing hands on help and support but the other pregnant woman not being able to be that support if she's having a rough (or even normal, it's tiring!)pregnancy.

Not a chance would I do it.

Not to dim your excitement, but you're (understandably) looking at this as a not-yet parent. Parenting is wonderful, and joyous, and all of those things. But parenting, especially in the early days is also often hard hard work, thankless, exhausting, and draining. It's hard physically on your body, hard on your relationship - no matter how good it is - and hard on your mind whilst you adjust. I can't imagine why you'd want to risk making it even harder than it may be already with a newborn by adding by another to the mix out of choice.

You can have a small age gap by all means, 18 months or so might be better though! You want a walker rather than a crawler by the time the next one arrives.

[Mabelface]

I have triplets and it was hard work but amazing. Do what suits you and your partner. With school later on, a lot of schools have more than one class a year, so they could be separated that way if they're in the same year.

[Fnib]

Loving @tuliprosedaffodil's post!

[Ahbahbahbah]

I know a woman who get pregnant again when her eldest was 2 weeks old., so she has a 9.5 month gap. It honestly looked kind of horrific, and she always said she thought it was much worse than twins as they always had slightly different needs but were in the same phase of needing lots of attention.

[tuliprosedaffodil]

Thanks @Fnib I just reacted with horror at the very thought (totally had a fit of the MN vapours, if you will!) DD1 was such a tough baby, so high needs and the adjustment to parenting was like a baptism of fire for us. Another one 9 months later or less would have finished me (us!) off I think. And that was with DH fighting fit and being generally excellent.

We've got a 2.5 yr age gap and that's perfect for us. They're little buddies now, it's lovely. Still both little, still had all the baby stuff kicking around, but not so close that i had two babies. Luckily DD2 was a dream!

[SarahAndQuack]

DP and I tried to do this and the clinic wouldn't do it; they said it was bad practice in their view. FWIW.

My sister-in-law and her partner, who are in Germany, didn't have this issue and their children were born a few weeks apart. It works well as they're basically like twins and obviously they could both breastfeed which they say made life a lot easier.

I'm not sure how it'd be with two less-similar-aged children, though.

[SinkGirl]

I have twins and I cannot imagine anyone doing this to themselves on purpose (unless it’s one of those situations where it’s a last shot at IVF). I just would never choose this!