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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

458 replies

OscarWildesCat · 21/03/2021 11:23

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

OP posts:
RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 21/03/2021 14:41

When I talked about one of my children being bi/gay the amount of people who told me not to worry it was a phase

And memorably that if i talked about them being gay i would actually turn them gay

Fucking infuriating

jessstan2 · 21/03/2021 14:41

@JensonsAcolyte

Just nod and smile!

I have two teenagers (17 and 18) who are in exclusive heterosexual relationships. They both identify as queer/pan. Apparently it’s social suicide to be straight.

At 11 it really doesn’t matter. Well it doesn’t matter at any age but you know what I mean.

I agree with you, Jensons.
Flapjak · 21/03/2021 14:44

I think its interesting that a lot of posters are saying 11 is not to young to know that you are gay , lesbian or bi. Did the 90 % of heterosexual kids know that they were heterosexual ? I am pretty sure not regardless of how many girl or boy crushes you had. Surely most people dont know for sure until at least they have fully entered adolescence and even then i think lots of teens have same sex crushes but their sexuality goes on to be heterosexual.

Happytobejabbed · 21/03/2021 14:45

My, now adult, children are all gay. 2dd, 1ds.

Whilst they didn't come out until their teens they all said (in later discussions) they knew well before that - like at junior school.

Your dd may be bisexual, straight or gay. But I suspect at the moment that she is confused/unsure.

My advice, and that of my children - be supportive, calm and show her your love.

You may find it hard - there are others who have trodden that path before you - ask them.

DaisyWaldron · 21/03/2021 14:45

I'm 45 and in an exclusive heterosexual relationship. It doesn't stop me from being bisexual.

Singlenotsingle · 21/03/2021 14:45

I don't think I ever considered that gayness was actually a thing. I had innocent crushes on boys right from being about 4. It would never have occurred to me to crush on a girl, but this was a long time ago and sex wasn't a topic of conversation or teaching at school.

MorganKitten · 21/03/2021 14:47

Would you be ok with a crush on a boy? If you’re fine with that why wouldn’t she know that she likes girls?

Happytobejabbed · 21/03/2021 14:48

Later thought.....

That your daughter thought that she could discuss this with you is good.

Keep those channels open.

Some of my children’s friends have never discussed matters like this and just live away leading a double life - not good or healthy.

year5teacher · 21/03/2021 14:48

YABU. I knew when I was her age and my mum brushed it off with “you’re too young etc” (not saying you did that).
I would also reconsider your attitude that it’s “social suicide” to be straight, that it’s “cool” to have a label and that people weren’t gay as much when you were at school. Presumably when you were at school that was during Section 28, when schools literally couldn’t discuss LGBT+ issues. That meant that far fewer children felt happy to come out as they had hardly any info and attitudes were different. They still had the feelings, just didn’t really understand them or feel able to acknowledge them. Thankfully now it’s not like that.
Does it matter if she’s confused? Really?

Erkrie · 21/03/2021 14:48

I would just tell her that you support her in whatever way she wants, and that you're there to talk to at any time. Fwiw I definitely knew who I was attracted to at age 11. That never changed.

Flapjak · 21/03/2021 14:48

'Actually it's far more likely that more people identify as bi these days (half of young adults)'

Its funny how 'decide' to be is not acceptable but 'identify as' is.

kowari · 21/03/2021 14:51

@grapewine

Did you not know that you liked boys by that age?
I had no real interest in girls until 15, boys 18, and still not sure if I like men now in my thirties.
DaisyWaldron · 21/03/2021 14:54

What makes me sad about my adolescence is that there were all these messages of "it's perfectly normal to have intense feelings for your friends and it doesn't mean you are gay" and "it's perfectly normal for heterosexual teenage girls to have innocent crushes on teachers or older women and it's just a form of looking up to someone you admire" and "everyone goes through a phase of sexual confusion and it's just a phase" and so I thought I was straight all through my teenaged years.

Twobirdsinatree · 21/03/2021 14:54

Can I also just say that I tried to tell my mother I was bi when I was about 15 (having known for some years) and she just completely ignored it... like didnt even respond in any way.. just started talking about something else
It was actually really hurtful. I felt really alone. I had my first girlfriend and she was treating me quite badly.. being with me in private.. then pretending she didn't like me in public... I was also getting badly bullied about it, homophobic slurs etc... and I felt like I had no one to talk to. I couldn't even get my mother to acknowledge it. It was deeply confusing. Theres so much pressure to be straight.. and if you are bi people act like its a choice and you could just choose to be straight and stop making a fuss.. you feel like everyone is hoping its a phase because deep down they are disgusted by your gayness and want you to be straight..
I felt like my mother thought if she just ignored it I would grow out of it... it made me feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
Shes never acknowledged it and I suppose luckily for her she's never had to because now im married to a man... but any girlfriend I had shed act like it was just a friend...

I just want to say please don't be dismissive of your daughter. Please just calmly acknowledge what she's said and let her know if she needs to talk about it you are there for her.
It might seem like its trendy to be gay to you right now but you don't understand the level of homphobia that still exists in society, the pressure to be het and the way it can make queer kids feel about themselves. It can be an incredibly painful time. Id really suggest trying to genuinely be there for her rather than dismissing this outright as a phase or a fad and hoping it will go away
If she really is bisexual can you imagine how seeing you act like that will make her feel about herself?

Barcodes · 21/03/2021 14:56

@Flapjak
Decide to be can have lots of negative connotations. Especially with bi people where its not uncommon that people view them as deliberately awkward and they should just "decide" to ignore part of their sexuality because after all they could just pretend to be hetro

Its not always how people use the word decide, but it can be linked with the idea that its a deliberate choice and people could decide to be straight if they weren't so damn awkward or wanting to be special.

There lots of things on this thread of disagreeing with labels, saying it should be spoke about it less as if kids not knowing its an option might keep them normal. The descion aspect is often relied on for people to not act on same sex attraction, conversation therapy etc

I do think sexuality can fluctuate. I know people who identified as one thing, then that identity changed later on. Eg if you identify as straight now, it might not change the fact that at one time you might have had same sex attraction or even relationship that was very valid at the time but change what you identify as now. Its not that you decided to be gay, then decided to be straight

MMMarmite · 21/03/2021 14:57

I was having crushes on both sexes before that age. Innocent ones - becoming slightly obsessed with someone, wanting to hold their hand. Am still bisexual now - there's no reason you can't know at that age. I figured it out slightly older than her, but that was due to the stigma and lack of openness about LGBT at the time. The shame was awful, I hope these days she can avoid that.

Equally, sexuality can be fluid; it's fine if she ends up straight or lesbian too.

ktp100 · 21/03/2021 15:00

By 14 most people know who they're attracted to but yes, there's a bit of a trend at the moment to 'identify' as something 'interesting' so I wouldn't take it as read at the moment.

Also, lots of women find women attractive without ever wanting to actually pursue a relationship with women. It's not something older generations would have really spoken about but kids today are happy to do so.

They'll both find their way. I think it's wonderful that you've made it clear to them that whoever they are is OK with you. That's what they need.x.

zafferana · 21/03/2021 15:01

Apparently it’s social suicide to be straight.

I find that statement so fucking depressing Sad

DaisyWaldron · 21/03/2021 15:05

As the vast majority of teenagers identify as straight, it's unlikely to be social suicide.

fpurplea · 21/03/2021 15:08

I find children using words of sexuality to define themselves deeply problematic. Honestly, all of my friends who are gay say they knew at that age, that isn't the issue. However, there were a LOT of girls at my school (myself included) who identified as bisexual who now no longer do (mostly now consider themselves straight). Several who experimented with lesbianism, some of whom now consider themselves bi, some straight. (and before anyone jumps down my throat, there were lesbians who just were and were in no way "experimenting" with lesbianism.)

I just don't understand the encouragement to use these words to define what is at that age such a basic comprehension of adult relationships when those words have had such a struggle to be taken seriously. The gay community have had to fight relentlessly about the immutability of their orientation. How can you continue to fight effectively against "It's just a phase" when 5/10 years down the line it is clear that for a number of people, be it because of hormones, confusion or just seeing it as cool, it was? How can you campaign effectively against it being a choice, or something that can be changed, when it can be tried on and discarded by children and teenagers exploring their identities with no consequence?

Just my 2c. Fancy whoever, be whatever you were born to be. Just those words have real world meaning, and I think it's extremely troubling when that meaning is diluted by encouraging children to freely define in and out of them with in some cases no real concept of what they are identifying in and out of.

MoreMorelos · 21/03/2021 15:09

@DaisyWaldron

As the vast majority of teenagers identify as straight, it's unlikely to be social suicide.
I can go through my DSs Insta and look at his old school friends, 90% of the girls have "Bi" listed on their profile. They're 17/18 years old
Twobirdsinatree · 21/03/2021 15:10

@DaisyWaldron
Exactly. Just because people are slightly more open about talking about something now days and you see it a bit more on the TV doesnt mean its not still an incredibly lonely and difficult emotional experience to realise you are gay. It is still going against societal norms massively.. it isnt 'a trend' Some of this thread is so dismissive and homophobic.

stuckinarutatwork · 21/03/2021 15:10

@activitythree But surely then they're just friends? Declaring yourself as gay / bisexual is a reference to your sexual feelings towards a specific sex. Not necessarily meaning that they want to HAVE sex with them, but that they find them attractive in a sexual sense.
I find it hard to believe that a prepubescent child would (sexually) fancy another child of either sex and that at this age they're just very close friends. They probably like some friends more than others. Male / female / both / neither. Doesn't mean they're gay / straight / bisexual.
That's not to say that a more physically mature 11 year old wouldn't be interested in others in a sexual sense.

activitythree · 21/03/2021 15:13

But surely then they're just friends? Declaring yourself as gay / bisexual is a reference to your sexual feelings towards a specific sex. N

I don't know who 'they' are in your scenario.

If our children are presumed straight that is not on the basis of their sexual feelings so let's not suggest they can't know they are gay or bi because they haven't reached the sexual feeling stage. There is so much more to any relationship than sex and it all starts when we are much younger than the age of physical sexual feelings and attractions

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 21/03/2021 15:13

I have had lots of crushes on women and girls throughout my life. I still do now and I'm in my 30s. I'm definitely straight. Being curious and trying to figure out what "group" you fall into is very normal at that age. I think the op's approach of "whatever sexuality you are is fine".