to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

[OscarWildesCat]

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

Siepie - This, completely. It seems that 'sexual' part of 'bisexual' is misunderstood to mean only sexual attraction, while due to heteronormativity straight children can just say 'I like boys/girls' , not 'I'm heterosexual', which might sound a bit strange. Let's face it, the op's daughter probably has had a crush on a girl or two to be saying this. It's really wrong that while straight kids don't get their innocent crushes nastily twisted, gay children are seen as sexual by default, as we can see by the mutterings of 'horny' and 'I wasn't sexual at 11' on this thread. And why the calls for 'nuance' and that 'someone's obviously put the idea in her head'? I suppose that straight children also need to 'consider further nuances' and have a thread started saying 'AIBU to think my DD is confused about being straight'? I mean, why does the OP even need to worry about her DD possibly being 'confused' or not actually bisexual? Nothing's stopping her changing her mind later!
Anyway, I wish OP's daughter well.

Sorry to do yet another one, but Op, it's important to understand that while there's no need to make a huge fuss and embarass your daughter, coming out often takes a lot of courage and it's wrong to say you should 'take no notice' and not acknowledge it as it doesn't matter. It'm not saying you have, what you said to your dd was fine. I would recomment the lgbt children board here though, as I am appalled by some of the homophobic posts on this thread. I mean,why does nobody suggest that straight children have 'had the idea put in their heads'? and 'will feel quite different in two years'?

I think whatever your kids come out as, the appropriate response is "I'm glad you told me - and feel free to talk to me about it anytime".

Your DD may be bisexual, she may be gay, or straight, or she may decide the whole shower isn't for her and come out as asexual. She may, like me, discover new things about her sexuality for decades to come, and have to "come out" several times.

Jensons is right - it is social suicide for a young person to admit they are straight. (Which is one of the many reasons I assume anyone identifying as "queer" is straight.)

Unfortunately, any discussion of anything to do with LGBTQ+ is being distorted by some people who see '....phobia' everywhere and viciously jump on the language used by other people, coming across the subject for the first time in their own personal life, who's heart and mind is in the right place but may word themselves, out of unfamiliarity, in a way that stirrers may twist to suit their own narrative.

OP has shown no sign of being phobic of anything or anybody, quite the opposite in fact, but was swiftly accused of it after having her words twisted and turned on her.

This is quite disturbing. Understanding and tolerance appears to be a one way street with some. Claims of trying to educate but really are just twisting words to justify attacks and accusations. Basically, use ALL the correct words in the correct order or I will have you.

I'm not going to make it personal by naming the poster I am thinking about when I write this but you are very clearly interpreting things so as to justify taking offence.

Well, your son is still 13 so who knows what his feelings will be 10 years from now.

So at what age do you accept someone's sexuality? If her son had a crush on a girl would you tell him that in 10 years he might like boys instead?

I think acceptance should come in the moment it is relevant to the person stating it - eg when they tell you. Any change should also be accepted. For some sexuality is fluid. The right message is that I accept you in this moment for the whole person you are right now.

@JensonsAcolyte

Just nod and smile!

I have two teenagers (17 and 18) who are in exclusive heterosexual relationships. They both identify as queer/pan. Apparently it’s social suicide to be straight.

At 11 it really doesn’t matter. Well it doesn’t matter at any age but you know what I mean.

You can be in exclusive straight relationships if you are queer or pan, the next relationship might be different. I’ve been in straight and gay relationships from teenage, being with a guy at that time doesn’t make me straight, just who I love at the time.

I mean that neither of them, to the best of my knowledge, have had any kind of same sex experience/relationship. I’m not all in on their sex lives obviously, but the whole queer/pan identity seems to be a catch all for ‘not boring like the other kids’. Just my observation.

I’ve been married to a man for 15yrs. Still bisexual. So that’s not what I mean.

I strongly believe that this is all a fad , and hope that many teenagers grow out of it. What worries me is that teenagers move into more and more extreme categories, it is one thing saying you are something, another thing acting and a third moving into a category where medical intervention occurs

@twelly

I strongly believe that this is all a fad , and hope that many teenagers grow out of it. What worries me is that teenagers move into more and more extreme categories, it is one thing saying you are something, another thing acting and a third moving into a category where medical intervention occurs

You think Bisexuality is a fad ??

You seriously believe its not been around forever? It's just going to disappear like last years fashion ?

What medical intervention do Bisexuals usually have?

@SansaSnark

Don’t worry about this. You don’t sound biphobic at all, you’re trying to do the right thing for your daughter. But in threads like this a small band of posters always pitch up. Sometimes there is biphobia, and it’s right to call it out, but not in this instance.

I am honestly not the sort of poster to do this, but as I've explained above, I do think there is an undercurrent of biphobia in OP's post.

That's not to say it's her fault or she'd actively discriminate, but it's something to consider addressing.

I think a lot of people don't recognise what biphobia looks like.

I think you've called that one wrong sansa

Although OP, your title and your question are conflicting. do you think she is confused or do you want to know how to support her with being bi?

I am surprised by PP. I'm not sure I believe 11 year olds are sexually attracted to boys.

@MoreMorelos maybe it’s just more socially acceptable now so more teenagers are feeling comfortable saying they’re not straight. Or it could be that your kids just happen to associate with more non-straight people than average. From surveys teens and young people who identify as straight are still a huge majority.

Surely everyone has had a crush by 11? I knew I liked boys at age 6.

And when 86% of secondary school teachers say that they are aware of their pupils having been bullied for being or being thought of as lesbian, gay or bisexual, I'm not convinced that heterosexual teens are the main targets of sexuality-related bullying.

I think being different and finding I self is part of growing up and yes some teenagers may be bisexual but the numbers now saying this indicates a fad. There are so many different categories and teenagers want to be different - for many they start at bisexual and then move around the different classifications and for some changing sex becomes one big those . So in my view there is a difference between saying you are bisexual which for many I believe is a fad and for those who genuinely are. Increasingly no one questions this - schools encourage this do as not to seem prejudice and parents are left in an impossible situation

@BilboBercow

Surely everyone has had a crush by 11? I knew I liked boys at age 6.

No, not until I was 15. I liked both boys and girls as friends, went to Cub Scouts with 20 boys and a few other girls so was used to interacting with both, had nothing like a crush.

I think that there are a LOT of people who are attracted to

@twelly

I think being different and finding I self is part of growing up and yes some teenagers may be bisexual but the numbers now saying this indicates a fad. There are so many different categories and teenagers want to be different - for many they start at bisexual and then move around the different classifications and for some changing sex becomes one big those . So in my view there is a difference between saying you are bisexual which for many I believe is a fad and for those who genuinely are. Increasingly no one questions this - schools encourage this do as not to seem prejudice and parents are left in an impossible situation

Between "some changing sex" and your previous talk about "medical intervention" are you confusing bisexuality and transgenderism?

@slashlover

Well, your son is still 13 so who knows what his feelings will be 10 years from now.

So at what age do you accept someone's sexuality? If her son had a crush on a girl would you tell him that in 10 years he might like boys instead?

Yep - this is it in a nutshell. Despite massive strides in recent years, there is still a significant contingent of people who think that straight, by virtue of being ‘the norm’, I’d preferable - and therefore that, if someone questions their sexuality when they are young, this may be somehow damaging if they later realise they were straight. No one ever seems to think gay people will somehow be damaged if they ‘experiment’ with the opposite sex; indeed, it’s almost seen as obligatory.

@BilboBercow

Surely everyone has had a crush by 11? I knew I liked boys at age 6.

I've not but that's because I'm aromantic asexual so it actually fits.

Sorry posted randomly there - I was going to say that lots of people are attracted to people of their sex, but the extent to which they act on/admit that attraction is determined by how acceptable it is.

So if you occasionally fancy girls and dream about having sex with them, and think the girl who sits next to in maths smells really good, but you also like boys and fancy the boy who's your partner in drama who likes you back, if it's 1985 you happily date the drama boy and don't really let yourself think too hard about the girl in maths (and maybe you date a woman after your marriage breaks down) but if it's 2020 you join the school LGBT group and might date either of your crushes.

@twelly

I think being different and finding I self is part of growing up and yes some teenagers may be bisexual but the numbers now saying this indicates a fad. There are so many different categories and teenagers want to be different - for many they start at bisexual and then move around the different classifications and for some changing sex becomes one big those . So in my view there is a difference between saying you are bisexual which for many I believe is a fad and for those who genuinely are. Increasingly no one questions this - schools encourage this do as not to seem prejudice and parents are left in an impossible situation

Sorry twelly this is totally incoherent.

@BilboBercow

Surely everyone has had a crush by 11? I knew I liked boys at age 6.

Yeh but not in an attraction way.

@twelly

I think being different and finding I self is part of growing up and yes some teenagers may be bisexual but the numbers now saying this indicates a fad. There are so many different categories and teenagers want to be different - for many they start at bisexual and then move around the different classifications and for some changing sex becomes one big those . So in my view there is a difference between saying you are bisexual which for many I believe is a fad and for those who genuinely are. Increasingly no one questions this - schools encourage this do as not to seem prejudice and parents are left in an impossible situation

I don't see anything wrong with teenagers thinking they're bisexual and later discovering they're not. It's better that trying to suppress their sexuality because they think it's something abnormal and wrong.

@DaisyWaldron

Sorry posted randomly there - I was going to say that lots of people are attracted to people of their sex, but the extent to which they act on/admit that attraction is determined by how acceptable it is.

So if you occasionally fancy girls and dream about having sex with them, and think the girl who sits next to in maths smells really good, but you also like boys and fancy the boy who's your partner in drama who likes you back, if it's 1985 you happily date the drama boy and don't really let yourself think too hard about the girl in maths (and maybe you date a woman after your marriage breaks down) but if it's 2020 you join the school LGBT group and might date either of your crushes.

Totally agree with this. I have thought about this as adult, as I certainly had crushes on girls when I was young, but assumed that I was straight as that was the default and I did like boys. If I had been a teenager now, perhaps I would have explored bisexuality and developed that side of myself more.