to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

[OscarWildesCat]

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

Sexual feelings and romantic feelings can change a lot throughout the teen period, and even into the early 20s. But in that age group, say 10 to 14, they can really change quite radically and won't necessarily even use the words the same way as an adult or older teen. Many 11 year olds have a pretty vague set of sexual interests all round.

[quote Christmasfairy2020]@slashlover no she told her about the birds and bees. Periods. M and f sex and the reproductive system. My dd told my mum she had a friend whom was bi. Then my mum told her about what that meant etc.

I was sat there head in hands more embarrassed etc. I have bought her a book. She can be whatever she and whomever she wants to be. But knowledge is key.[/quote]
When she said she had a bi friend and wondered why I wouldn't let her sleep at her house.

So what does this comment mean?

Also, why does your 11 year old not know about periods? I started at 11 and had friends who started before that. Was she not taught about that sort of stuff at school?

@DaisyWaldron

I wonder how many people's response to a DD mentioning a crush on a boy or a boyfriend is "You know I don't care about that sort of thing, and I'll always be there for you, no matter who you love. I know these feelings can be confusing, and you might decide later on that you like girls, and that's fine too."

From toddlerhood I’ve always framed future talk with ‘when you grow up and have a boyfriend or girlfriend’. It’s a non issue.

I don’t think 11yos ascribing labels to themselves is helpful and I don’t think any talk about adult sexuality at this point needs more than an ‘ok love’.

@JensonsAcolyte

Just nod and smile!

I have two teenagers (17 and 18) who are in exclusive heterosexual relationships. They both identify as queer/pan. Apparently it’s social suicide to be straight.

At 11 it really doesn’t matter. Well it doesn’t matter at any age but you know what I mean.

Wow, social suicide to be straight? How so?

Sounds to me like you all want to sexualise children, 11 is pre puberty for most children so still children. Personally we went with we would be fine with you liking either or both girls or boys as long as they are kind to you but you have plenty of time to work that out, dont feel you need to label yourself.

Typically, you'll start your periods about 2 years after your breasts start growing and about a year after getting a white vaginal discharge. The average girl will get her first period around 12 years old, but it varies from person to person.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/periods/starting-periods/#:~:text=Typically%2C%20you'll%20start%20your,varies%20from%20person%20to%20person.

Have you just ignored the dozens of posts from LGBTQ+ people who have said they absolutely knew at 11?

@slashlover nope not learned anything yet at school. She will learn end of this year (y6) I bought her a book last year and we have talked about periods etc. We just didn't discuss why we have them.

I have been a bit reluctant to let her sleep at her friends house. Because said friend a while ago asked my dd out. My dd said no.
So in this situation I have looked at it like would I let my dd sleep at a 11 year old boys house. Which is the same.

I don’t know! I’m not 17. Just what they’ve told me. From what I gather, announcing yourself as straight would be queerphobic and dull.

This isn’t coming from me. I am bisexual by the way, which they know as I regularly roll my eyes at some of the shit they come out with about ‘queerness’ etc.

If it doesn't matter to you either way I'd just say that's cool and carry on. There is no need for support or deep chats at this stage. Ds is 14 and has said he is bi since about 11ish. He is currently dating a girl. I don't dwell on it, he's happy so I'm happy. It makes no difference to me what sex the person he dates is so we've never really chatted about it. He's never felt the need to.

Dd is 11 now and she has shown no indication of fancying anyone or having any preferences. That's cool too, again she knows I'm always there to chat if she wants to.

I think it's young, I thought I exclusively fancied boys when I was 11, turns out I don't and am bisexual, I just hadn't met a girl I had fancied at that point. I don't think children that young should be making huge desicions about their sexuality. Be that straight, gay or whatever, they have no experience to know.

Jensons- that's fine until your 11 year old ds sends you a sad email about how noones going to like them if they're gay and all the playground 'banter' is negative about homosexuality. Just imagine what's like as you're coming to terms with your sexuality and how inadequate my response would be if i said 'well we really don't need to use labels yet' @JensonsAcolyte

Urgh I see there's still the classic, "but maybe she's just confused", vibe going on here.

Honestly, I'm out of words.

I'll leave my last two.

Depressing. Disappointing.

Have you just ignored the dozens of posts from LGBTQ+ people who have said they absolutely knew at 11?

And lots of people at 11 thought they were gay or something else, and guess what, they aren't.

That's the point, at that age it's really not very clear, in part because at that age there is often little real understanding of what adult romantic or sexual love is like.

When I was 11 I wanted to be someone like Han Solo (except real) which involved having attractive girlfriends and a motorbike. I might have thought of myself as bisexual up into my late teens. I would say I'm petty firmly heterosexual in middle age.

When schools cover sexuality with kids who aren't yet experiencing it in an adult way, and tell them everyone has a sexuality they are born with, they interpret it through the experiences they have had and aren't mature enough to realise that there might be more to it. So they try to apply labels and they aren't always all that accurate.

[quote OscarWildesCat]@SansaSnark I genuinely apologise if my use of the word “whatever” offended you, it wasn’t my intention and it doesn’t make me biphobic as far as I’m concerned.[/quote]
OP, as a bi myself I didn't read your post as biphobic in the slightest. My eldest daughter came out at eleven and strongly identified as lesbian all through her high school days and now, living away at college, describes her herself as queer and 'aggressively bisexual' (whatever that means). You're doing fine. Don't sweat it. She's going to be fine.

Unless someone is now 12 I'd take anything they remember about being 11 with a pinch of salt. For everyone saying I absolutely knew there will be another saying I changed when I grew up.

@alreadytaken- but for the sake of those who 'knew' isn't it less damaging to respect where they're at at that time rather than diminish it because of the people who might identify differently later. Like i say, my ds knew at 11, at 13 he is just as sure, but is ashamed in the playground, and some of the views on this thread will be contributing to those attitudes

@Christmasfairy2020

My mum had a very blunt chat to my 11 year old dd last weekend all explicit about sex and birds and bees etc. When she said she had a bi friend and wondered why I wouldn't let her sleep at her house. My mum told her exactly all about f and f sex. Well needless to say she def isn't bi. Maybe tell your daughter about the birds and bees etc. She maybe is confusing been able to notice someone is pretty etc with I must be bi?

I don't understand.... What exactly is the difference between sex between two female and sex between and man and a woman according to your mum?

Are you saying that your mother explained the sexual acts that men and women do together and the sexual acts women and women do together?

@smokedDuck So what would your solution be for children who do know? My ds is not in puberty yet, but he knows his mind and knew before they did anything at school. But he did get upset by children saying 'that's so gay' and other casual homophobic comments playing football on the field. This work needs to be done before they become entrenched- because trust me, its worse in years 7 & 8. My ds shouldn't have to keep books hidden under his bed when friends come round. I'd genuinely like to know the solution

I'm sorry if saying it appears teens feel it is "cool to be gay" has offended anyone. I wouldn't want to do that and understand why it could be offensive. It does seem to be my dd's view though, due to how she has been educated about sexual orientation at school, and probably also via social media.

I think young people maybe are more 'uncertain' than confused. I think a lot of people are on a continuum and possibly some are also less aware of themselves than others at a young age. I probably assumed I was straight as that was what I expected to be and I had no reason to doubt myself, but also didn't think much about what sexual attraction actually meant in practice.

Having a crush on a girl as a teen didn't make me question my sexuality - maybe if I was a teen now it would, although I do remember my best (girl) friend at 12 wanting us to pretend we were getting married and I found that uncomfortable because she tried to kiss me. (We lost touch at 14 so I don't know what her sexual orientation as an adult is.)

[quote inmyplace]@smokedDuck So what would your solution be for children who do know? My ds is not in puberty yet, but he knows his mind and knew before they did anything at school. But he did get upset by children saying 'that's so gay' and other casual homophobic comments playing football on the field. This work needs to be done before they become entrenched- because trust me, its worse in years 7 & 8. My ds shouldn't have to keep books hidden under his bed when friends come round. I'd genuinely like to know the solution[/quote]
Well, your son is still 13 so who knows what his feelings will be 10 years from now.

But my "solution" would be that there is no need to encourage children to apply any kind of label to their sexual feelings at 11. You can say "there are a lot of changes to people's sexual and romantic feelings that can go on through the teen years. Yours may or may not change."

Like a lot of developmental things, really.

That doesn't mean there is any necessity to allow kids to make slurs of any kind. "Don't be a twat about people's sexuality" isn't dependent kids knowing their own minds in an adult way at 11, or even 13. I'm confused as to why you'd think it was.

@Elsiebear90 my DCs who are teenagers will tell you it's considered cool to be bi etc, they are not homophobic in any sense, they don't care who their friends do/don't fancy, but that's how it is in their circles

@SorryPleaseTryAgain well she explained sex between a man and woman and sex between 2 females and attraction etc.

[quote Christmasfairy2020]@SorryPleaseTryAgain well she explained sex between a man and woman and sex between 2 females and attraction etc.[/quote]
How did you and your mum respond to your daughter proclaiming that she definitely isn't bi?

@SorryPleaseTryAgain
I said your very young nd whatever you wanna do or be with is absolutely fine. Never judge anyones sexuality. You can be who you want to be.

I also explained between admiring someones good lucks is different between attraction etc. Leaving it as that. If my comments are not easy to follow. I am dyslexic so tend to write how I'm thinking it.

@smokedDuck- sorry if I've missed anything in previous posts, but i really don't think your approach helps children to feel supported. Its lonely and depressing when you know you're gay and there is so much homophobia. My ds needs to be able to label how he identifies now and i need to respect that, so we can talk through how to handle the twits he comes across. Its no problem if he identifies differently in 1 year or 20 years, but this is where he is at now. By 'labelling' himself as gay he is able to access books, online groups and feel less alone. You don't see him coming home in tears when he's had to listen to the bigotry in the school ground. How on earth could i say to him 'well you might feel differently in 10 years!'