to think my DD is confused about being bisexual?

[OscarWildesCat]

We were all sat having dinner last night and my DS (14) was talking about something to do with LGBTQ, my DD said she thought she might be bisexual. DD is just turned 11 and young for her age, no signs of puberty or anything yet. I feel like she’s a bit young to know this yet?. They’ve been learning about different LGBTQ groups at school and she does have a couple of very close girlfriends so I’m wondering if she’s just a bit mixed up with her feeling for her friends.
I sort of shrugged it off at dinner but went to speak to her later, obviously told her we don’t care who she wants to be with, we love her and reassured her she can talk to me or my DH any time. I couldn’t care less if either of my DC are gay, straight or whatever as long as they’re happy. Any advice on how I can support her?

I knew at age 11. I'm knew younger than that when I watched Disney movies and wanted to kiss both the Princes and the Princesses. 29 now and hello still bi.

An acquaintance of mine identifies as both queer and bisexual. She makes a huge deal of Pride and her "straight-passing" privilege. She's told me herself that she's only ever had sexual interactions with the opposite sex and she's now married to the love of her life, a man.

I don't pretend to understand, but I can see that it's very important to her.

@OscarWildesCat

I didn’t know the + was a thing till a pp posted it that way *@Sbk28* not that I couldn’t be bothered to google. Also, haven’t laughed at any terms, just amazed that people identify as vapour?. I guess someone will always find something to be offended about though.

If you look this up the vapour/ smoke is a metaphor.

I haven't heard of it either but it seems like it's just another way to describe their experience of gender. They aren't identifying as vapour.

As for your DD, there's nothing you need to do other than what you've already done - assure her that you will accept her however she is and that is OK by you. The rest, she will figure out in time.

FWIW I think the most important message to young people is that they have the right to choose what to do with their bodies and when in the context of sexuality, regardless of certainty of orientation. That no-one has the right to pressurise them into anything they don't feel ready for, and that confusion is not a sign of moral failure, especially with the onslaught of often conflicting views around sexuality and gender they are constantly exposed to. Every person is different.

I wonder if society will collectively come up with a more positive word that "confused" in the future... something a bit more reassuring and positive perhaps. I was forced to come out as bisexual to my Mum as a young teen and she immediately told me I was "confused" which felt dismissive and almost like I was too stupid to understand what was going on - confused being a word I associated with difficulty academically. I'm not having a go at you btw OP, not at all. I just wonder if "confused" in terms of sexualities generally needs to be reframed.

The word confused was because I genuinely think the amount of work being done on it in school makes it confusing, like they have to find a bracket to fit in when they’re not feeling sexual attraction to either gender yet (for the most part). As said DD is only just 11 and is going for her age. DD has never discussed sex or relationships yet really, hence why I’m not sure she really knows what she’s feeling yet or is reacting to the new knowledge she has. Either way, I’ve explained she can talk to us and she’s off out to play. I’ll not bring it up again unless she does.

*young

@Hangingover

That's a good point actually, hadn't considered that - definitely worth exploring and might take the heat out of it all somewhat. If someone is sure about their position on any subject, suggesting they are confused is a bit patronising, but may be shorthand for asking if they are aware of further nuances they might not have considered.

In terms of innate sexuality the personal nature of it is very important, so it's really not helpful to create defensiveness in the allegedly "confused" by using that word.

Off the top of my head I can't easily find a word or phrase that doesn't come with their own problems. I'm interested to hear suggestions though.

OP I understand exactly where you are coming from. And think your approach is absolutely right.

I’m going to double down in my ‘nod and smile’ comment because it’s much the same comment I would apply when my daughter told me she was going to marry her male cousin at a similar age.

She’s a child. This doesn’t need any in-depth conversation or acknowledgement.

And the social suicide quip came directly from both my older teens, they are both blue haired and pierced and fully swept up in the ‘alternative’ zeitgeist. It’s not homophobic, biphobic or transphobic to understand that a big part of this is teenage tribalism.

And also that it was your DD who introduced the word herself.

This has been an interesting thread to read. It doesn't reflect our experience though unfortunately. My ds told me he was gay when he had just turned 11. He knew. Even though he wasnt/still isn't going through puberty at 13. He is the most perfect ds you could wish for. The casual and blatant homophobia that exists in his school is heartbreaking and he keeps his identity hidden. He shouldn't have to but he does. And for all those saying its cool to be gay or bi now, its really not. How many books, films, tv shows have different relationships in without it being 'a thing' or stereotyped? Hardly any. If you grow up with those subtle and not so subtle influences it can crush you. So please don't question whther someone 'knows' at that age. Some people will, some people won't. Be supportive but also realise that - wrongly- their path may be harder in life. I can't believe that some countries would put my gorgeous ds to death just because of who he falls in love with. I can't believe my ds has to keep aspects of his identity secret because it doesn't fit the socially accepted norm. We are such a long way off it being cool to be gay! Wish it wasn't so, but that's the reality

I definitely knew I was gay by the time I was 11, I had romantic interest in girls/women from the age of about 7. I remember having crushes on women in tv programmes and being very jealous if they had an on screen boyfriend, I used to like looking at the page 3 women and women in underwear in catalogues, would make my barbies kiss each other, by 10 I was kissing my female best friend, didn’t ever want to kiss any boys, was never interested in male bodies or male characters on tv. I could appreciate a man/boy was good looking, but I knew very clearly that my feelings were different about them than they were towards girls/women. So I definitely think it’s possible to know you are bisexual or gay by the time you’re 11, obviously it is not the same for everyone, my fiancée said she never had sexual or romantic thoughts about anyone until she was a teenager, she told her mum when she was 15 and her mum said “you’re too young to know, you’re confused” that sent her straight back into the closet for another 12 years.

We grew up in the 90s with section 28, I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been gay/bi and lived in that time or earlier can understand the impact of growing up in a heteronormative society where anything remotely gay/bi is a taboo. You literally grow up hating yourself thinking you’re some kind of abnormal pervert because all you ever see, talk and hear about are straight people. Any time you hear or see anything gay it’s in a negative way.

I spent 23 years of my life forcing myself into romantic and sexual situations I didn’t want to be in to prove to myself and others I was “normal”, even when I came out in my twenties my mum couldn’t accept it and thought I was confused. The effect that had on my self esteem and mental health I can’t even begin to explain.

So I’m sorry but for the people claiming “there’s too much talk of LGBT now” “it’s cool to be gay/bi” “it’s social suicide to be straight now” “kids shouldn’t be told about this stuff”, this is covert homophobia at worse and complete ignorance at best.

@JensonsAcolyte

I think you're onto something there too.

My mum had a very blunt chat to my 11 year old dd last weekend all explicit about sex and birds and bees etc. When she said she had a bi friend and wondered why I wouldn't let her sleep at her house. My mum told her exactly all about f and f sex. Well needless to say she def isn't bi. Maybe tell your daughter about the birds and bees etc. She maybe is confusing been able to notice someone is pretty etc with I must be bi?

But maybe she is. Its difficult. All my dd friends say they are bi or non binary. In y6!!

The BIG thing I would be watching is that they are careful around any older child or teen that is indulging in sexual activity either legally or illegally and be mindful of unknown adults who they come across that want to ‘celebrate’ their sexuality. Safeguarding is important and these days kids are finding out a lot more ‘adult’ stuff regarding sexuality and sexual activities at a much earlier stage. Obviously if you’re 12 and are announcing you’re pan sexual you’re going to be wondering how that all works and that’s when you need to get those controls well and truly tightened up on your internet.

God, posts like this are depressing. How people can post such homophobic bullshit astounds me. Would you be telling a parent of a straight child to keep their child away from other straight children and teenagers? And why are you sexualising LGBT+ children?

If an 11 year old girl said she had a crush on a boy, nobody would be leaping to talking about sex. But as soon as it’s two girls, people forget doodling your crush’s surname, wanting to go for a smoothie together, wanting to hold hands, and all the other sweet aspects of early crushes/relationships.

I knew I liked girls by the time I was 11, I knew I only liked girls by the time I was 13-14. I didn’t know the word ‘lesbian’ until after the first time I’d tried to end my own life because I knew from the adults around me (religious upbringing) that my feelings were ‘wrong’. Knowing even one adult or older teenager who would ‘celebrate’ my sexuality would have made an incredible difference to my life.

This post isn’t particularly in reply to the OP. I’m not suggesting that your DD should be on suicide watch! But in reply to the post quoted and all the other posters who can’t imagine same-sex relationships involving things other than sex.

I find the whole "we're here if you want to talk about it" kind of stuff that happens when someone says they might be gay or bi really weird.

Nobody says they're there to talk about it when someone says they fancy someone of the opposite sex.

It would help if everyone brought their kids up in an environment that didn't actively promote hetronormality but unfortunately that's rare.

@Christmasfairy2020

My mum had a very blunt chat to my 11 year old dd last weekend all explicit about sex and birds and bees etc. When she said she had a bi friend and wondered why I wouldn't let her sleep at her house. My mum told her exactly all about f and f sex. Well needless to say she def isn't bi. Maybe tell your daughter about the birds and bees etc. She maybe is confusing been able to notice someone is pretty etc with I must be bi?

You won't let your daughter sleep at her friends house because the friend is bi? Why?

Why is your mum giving an explicit sex talk to your daughter and not you? Did your mum also tell her exactly all about heterosexual sex or did you not want to scare her off from that?

The state of this post.

The trouble is, parents have to simultaneously be aware of the spectre of looming sexual activity, as soon as puberty hits, regardless of orientation, while supporting their child who may not be apparently interested. Sex can lead to pregnancy, generally to be avoided while too young for obvious reasons. There are STDs to consider, relationship dynamics, the whole thing about older predatory people of all orientations.

The legal age of consent is 16 but realistically many experiment earlier than that.

It's a fine line to tread having the responsibility of safeguarding your child till they hit 16, without giving them too much info too soon, not enough, respecting their burgeoning independence but providing a safe, non-judgemental safe harbour. And having to be up to speed with information from outside sources, eg. schools.

Caring parents know their children, not completely, because their school persona is of course different in parts from their home persona, and will hopefully know how best to suit them according to their development.

@Christmasfairy2020

My mum had a very blunt chat to my 11 year old dd last weekend all explicit about sex and birds and bees etc. When she said she had a bi friend and wondered why I wouldn't let her sleep at her house. My mum told her exactly all about f and f sex. Well needless to say she def isn't bi. Maybe tell your daughter about the birds and bees etc. She maybe is confusing been able to notice someone is pretty etc with I must be bi?

What's the actual hell

I wonder how many people's response to a DD mentioning a crush on a boy or a boyfriend is "You know I don't care about that sort of thing, and I'll always be there for you, no matter who you love. I know these feelings can be confusing, and you might decide later on that you like girls, and that's fine too."

@slashlover no she told her about the birds and bees. Periods. M and f sex and the reproductive system. My dd told my mum she had a friend whom was bi. Then my mum told her about what that meant etc.

I was sat there head in hands more embarrassed etc. I have bought her a book. She can be whatever she and whomever she wants to be. But knowledge is key.

@TheUnwindingCableCar

I find the whole "we're here if you want to talk about it" kind of stuff that happens when someone says they might be gay or bi really weird.

Nobody says they're there to talk about it when someone says they fancy someone of the opposite sex.

It would help if everyone brought their kids up in an environment that didn't actively promote hetronormality but unfortunately that's rare.

Unwinding, i really wish it wasn't the case, but when your ds's school friends use blatant homophobic language- all the time- you really do have to tell them you're here to support them. Like i said, it's heartbreaking and it shouldn't be this way, but it is

Sounds to me like you all want to sexualise children, 11 is pre puberty for most children so still children. Personally we went with we would be fine with you liking either or both girls or boys as long as they are kind to you but you have plenty of time to work that out, dont feel you need to label yourself.

It's nonsense to say that schools dont have fads for one type of sexuality, they do.

I hope they are not telling children about furries and ABDLs though, because I would find it hard to be accepting of that. Thankfully my child was at school before "gender identity" took over the universe.

What a pity I filled in my census form before discovering +, vapour sounds ideal.