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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who was in the wrong? Care assistant or relative?

218 replies

GingerNinjer · 21/03/2021 08:33

Relative visiting a patient in hospital (before Covid obviously). Care assistant asks patient if they want a cup of tea. Patient asks if relative can have one too. Care assistant knows she’s not meant to offer refreshments to relatives but thinks “what’s the harm it could do?” And agrees.
Care assistant takes two mugs of tea into patient and relative. Relative says the mug is a little too full. Care assistant says “you don’t have to drink it all”. Relative says “but I might spill it”. Care assistant gets narky, takes the mug to the sink and pours some tea out of the mug. Relative says there is tea dripping off the mug and it might stain her clothes. Care assistant rolls her eyes and cleans mug with a paper towel. Patient asks if they can have some biscuits. Care assistant goes off and returns with 2 packets of biscuits (each containing 3 biscuits). Relative says “there’s too many biscuits”. Care assistant says “leave what you don’t want”. Relative says “but it’s wasteful”. Care assistant says “then share one packet”. Patient says “there isn’t enough in one packet to share”. Care assistant says “the biscuits come in packs of 3, do you want them or not?” Relative says “can you take one biscuit away?” Care assistant says “no I’m busy now, just leave what you don’t want on the table”. Relative says “but it’s messy, crumbs will get everywhere”. Care assistant snaps and says “oh well!” And walks out.

Patient and relative complain about care assistant. Care assistant gets a talking to for a) giving refreshments to relatives and b) being rude to patient and relatives

YABU - care assistant was in the wrong
YANBU - care assistant did nothing wrong

OP posts:
Shreddiesandmilk120 · 21/03/2021 16:49

I was actually wondering what steps I could take for next time? If I am worried that the managers won’t back me up. It could be about a cup of tea for example, the policy says no but depending on the management they might says yes. Then that leaves me looking stupid.

Billybobbins · 21/03/2021 17:05

@Shreddiesandmilk120

I was actually wondering what steps I could take for next time? If I am worried that the managers won’t back me up. It could be about a cup of tea for example, the policy says no but depending on the management they might says yes. Then that leaves me looking stupid.
Surely given Covid they are not allowed to just go and take food ? Kitchens here are locked with a keypad. Strict no relatives/ patients rule due to food hygiene regulations and this was pre covid.

Im so sorry about what happened to you.
I am an older Sister and take zero agression towards staff and pride myself on looking after them.Flowers

My advice would be to look for a new job.
Its a lose/ lose situation where you are currently.

Joinedjustforthispost · 21/03/2021 17:13

Yanbu ! Care assistants have a hard underpaid job as it is without putting up with visitors like this. If either visitor or patient isn’t satisfied with the tea or biscuits don’t have it?

Joinedjustforthispost · 21/03/2021 17:15

I’d also like to say I 100% appreciate all hospital staff you are amazing! I’ve had quite a few stays between me and my daughter and the staff make it a lot easier

Shreddiesandmilk120 · 21/03/2021 17:59

@Billybobbins thank you for your lovely reply it has helped I’m hopeful that once I move to a different trust things might improve.

We have a key code but staff always leave it on the latch 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

Onlinedilema · 21/03/2021 18:01

Christ almighty and this is why I think we absolutely should have set visiting times and times when there aren’t any visitors allowed on wards what so ever.

Whammyyammy · 21/03/2021 18:03

Care assistant went above and beyond what they should do, and then got a complaint against them for their kindnesses.

Patient and relative sound like a pair of complete arseholes. U hope the carer never shows kindness to either again

Whammyyammy · 21/03/2021 18:05

Tea would of gone down the sink, biscuits back in cupboard. Directions to nearest cafe given to relative, whilst giving the most obvious false smile too.

Notquiteworried · 21/03/2021 18:19

@Shreddiesandmilk120

I've been nodding along with your posts, unfortunately I'm not shocked by them, but I am saddened.
I don't have any sage words of advice, other than look for a new job, there are places out there where you're valued, I work in one. I was incredibly lucky to get a spot because no one ever wants to leave! But I've done my time just being everyone's whipping boy and no one gave a shiny shite about how it affected me, or my colleagues in the same situation.
It's so bloody demoralising when you're bollocked for going against policy by one manager, and bollocked for upholding it by another. Too many cooks spoil the broth don't they?!

Get your CV together and get looking, it might take a few false starts but there's a job out there where you'll be valued and respected.

Billybobbins · 21/03/2021 18:20

[quote Shreddiesandmilk120]@Billybobbins thank you for your lovely reply it has helped I’m hopeful that once I move to a different trust things might improve.

We have a key code but staff always leave it on the latch 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂[/quote]
I really feel for you.
This is whats known as a toxic workplace because there is no support and you are always in the wrong.
Its not worth making yourself unhappy over it.

Shreddiesandmilk120 · 21/03/2021 18:23

Thanks for your kind comments about my comments 😊

SchadenfreudePersonified · 21/03/2021 23:08

@Onlinedilema

Christ almighty and this is why I think we absolutely should have set visiting times and times when there aren’t any visitors allowed on wards what so ever.
Just like it used to be in the old days.

Set times.

Max 2 visitors to a bed.

Strictly enforced.

callmeH · 21/03/2021 23:13

@SchadenfreudePersonified

You wonder why some people go into nursing when they seem to lack a caring gene

Since nursing has started to demand a degree, it seems it that it has now become a career path into hospital administration as well as higher nursing roles. This means it attracts people who want "careers" as opposed t people who want to care for and interact with patients. This became compounded when nursing students started to find themselves spending more and more time in lecture rooms, and less and less on the wards. At one time nursing staff were put straight onto wards in "dogsbody" necessary roles (eg bedpans etc), where they couldn't kill anyone but began to learn the job from the (literal ) bottom up. They also had academic training, but a huge amount of their day was spent with patients and more senior staff. They learned by "sitting with Nellie" as the expression here is (I'm a Northern lass Grin). They didn't just learn to deal with illness - they learned to deal with people.

This is sadly being lost because it is no longer valued. Only a year or two ago the Royal College of Nursing expressed their concerns that the candidates coming in to nursing had no interest in caring for people - they just wanted a foot on what could turn into a lucrative career in hospital management. They said that too much emphasis was being placed on exam results, and not enough on interpersonal skills and humanity. The report said that they were in danger of losing all compassion in nursing.

I was in hospital myself just last week - taken in as an emergency, in agony (gall bladder). Everyone from domestics and porters, up through the ranks of nurses, doctors and the consultant, were lovely. I consider myself very lucky.

Many years ago my late Mother's cousin was a high-up in a major NW hospital when the move to make nursing a graduate profession was first mooted. What you've said is exactly what he said would happen and he didn't begrudge those who worked hard to get their degrees but he also said that it kept potentially excellent nurses who were not academic out of the profession.
callmeH · 21/03/2021 23:25

@Onlinedilema

Christ almighty and this is why I think we absolutely should have set visiting times and times when there aren’t any visitors allowed on wards what so ever.
I've often thought that if I were in hospital the constant procession of visitors would not be conducive to getting well. The old visiting hours were a much better idea and the ward sisters wouldn't let anyone sit on beds either. When our mother was in hospital in the '60s my Dad would rush home from work, eat and change out of his work overalls to take us to see her, my brother fell over outside and the sister wouldn't let him in until he's washed his hands thoroughly. I noticed in later years people in dirty clothes, sitting on beds, staying for hours, can't be good for patients.
sillygrandma · 22/03/2021 16:24

Having worked in health and social care for 35 years, I've seen and heard it all. Most care assistants in hospital/care home settings will be working an average of 4 x 12 hour shifts a week - because there is a need for them to work these hours due to ongoing staff shortages, rota pattern and because to earn enough to live on you have to do at least this amount of hours. I challenge anyone to be endlessly patient and never put a foot wrong after years of this! We are actually only human!!

Tehmina23 · 22/03/2021 18:45

As an HCA I have learned to just walk away from the situation & get assistance from senior staff when faced with confrontation. As the Staff Nurses, Clinical Leaders, Matrons are all paid a lot more than me to deal with problem relatives & patients.

I am nice & professional to all my patients but also assertive when necessary.

If we aren't busy & there are elderly visitors who have travelled a long way then I may make them a drink. But I know I shouldn't.

In that scenario described by the OP I think the relative would have complained whatever the HCA did. With some people they just love to complain don't they?
It's a shame that it is bothering OP 7 years on though.

The things that bother me regarding work are life & death situations.
Theres one lady who crashed & did not survive in particular I will never forget, I still cry if I talk about it years later because I partly blame myself for not noticing her deteriorating that day.

Hhusky · 22/03/2021 19:12

The relative sounds like an arsehole.
They could have got the tea and biscuits if they were so fussy.

May17th · 22/03/2021 19:12

I want to quit nursing but can’t do anything else.

Oh I’m sorry you feel this way OP. There’s lots you can do and you shouldn’t be letting your job bother you unless it’s something really tragic! It’s unhealthy...

Look into physio assistant, OT assistant. Working in maternity department or what about outpatients? Outpatients is a complete different world to the wards and although I’m grateful for the skills I have learnt I wish I had of moved a few years ago to outpatients!!

It’s so much easier in many respects.

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