Who was in the wrong? Care assistant or relative?

[GingerNinjer]

Relative visiting a patient in hospital (before Covid obviously). Care assistant asks patient if they want a cup of tea. Patient asks if relative can have one too. Care assistant knows she’s not meant to offer refreshments to relatives but thinks “what’s the harm it could do?” And agrees.
Care assistant takes two mugs of tea into patient and relative. Relative says the mug is a little too full. Care assistant says “you don’t have to drink it all”. Relative says “but I might spill it”. Care assistant gets narky, takes the mug to the sink and pours some tea out of the mug. Relative says there is tea dripping off the mug and it might stain her clothes. Care assistant rolls her eyes and cleans mug with a paper towel. Patient asks if they can have some biscuits. Care assistant goes off and returns with 2 packets of biscuits (each containing 3 biscuits). Relative says “there’s too many biscuits”. Care assistant says “leave what you don’t want”. Relative says “but it’s wasteful”. Care assistant says “then share one packet”. Patient says “there isn’t enough in one packet to share”. Care assistant says “the biscuits come in packs of 3, do you want them or not?” Relative says “can you take one biscuit away?” Care assistant says “no I’m busy now, just leave what you don’t want on the table”. Relative says “but it’s messy, crumbs will get everywhere”. Care assistant snaps and says “oh well!” And walks out.

Patient and relative complain about care assistant. Care assistant gets a talking to for a) giving refreshments to relatives and b) being rude to patient and relatives

YABU - care assistant was in the wrong
YANBU - care assistant did nothing wrong

The relative is totally in the wrong.

My mum died on a ward in 2019. It was sudden; the family were called in early in the morning and we sat by mums bed all day. It was a Sunday and the tea shop was only open and on another floor (what seemed like miles away) so, we had one drink in the space of 10+ hrs. No one offered us as much as a class of water never mind a cuppa. There were only three of us, in shifts.

The relative was taking the rise.

The relative sounds like the sort of person rude to waitresses. Like they think they're superior somehow. I know the type. Nasty.

Asking who was in the wrong is the wrong question, as both parties were clearly at fault. The relative has the misfortune of being a twat for life. The care assistant was unprofessional. All people have bad days at work. All people occasionally let the professional mask slip a tiny bit and reveal the irritated human being behind it. The problem is mulling over it years later, as though it was of any great importance, rather than an almost literal storm in a teacup.

@GingerNinjer

I was the care assistant, yes. I was doing my nurse training and a single parent. I was struggling and just trying to get through each shift without a drama. This episode keeps coming back to haunt me, I just can’t stop getting angry about it. I want to quit nursing but can’t do anything else. Obviously this wasn’t an isolated incident but one that stands out as an example of why you just can’t win in this profession.

I’m also considering counselling 😂 (not just for this obviously, but my inability to get over stuff).

Have you thought about swapping to ahp training like OT or physio? Same amount of time to train, no shifts and for some strange reason more respect because the roles are mainly white MC women as opposed to the bme folk in nursing.

You are a health care assistant no a personal servant. Relative should have poured some of their own tea out and wiped any drips themselves. Its not your job to do things for people that they can do for themselves. You are too busy for that. Relatives behaviour was disgraceful. You didn't do anything wrong yes you rolled your eyes and were a bit annoyed with them (you are human) and on reflection you recognise you would say no from the off. I had the exact same situation. Patient requested their relative have tea. I got them both tea (should really have just been the patient) they said thanks. I said no problem. The story ended. It wasn't your fault that in this circumstance it didn't go like that. That's what should have happend.

So the care assistant makes your relative a cup of tea even though she is not supposed to, and all your relative can do is bitch and moan about how she's done it? How are you even asking who is in the wrong here - clearly it is the ungrateful relative

She got disciplined for trying to do a kind thing. That relative is a horrible person. She complained that she got too much tea and too many biscuits, when she wasnt supposed to get any!!!

It’s almost as if the care assistant didn’t have a job to do...

Totally on the side of Care assistant. Some relatives will argue the toss about anything, I imagine. Fussing about biscuits is extremely ridiculous.

Hadn't read the full thread, so see you were the care assistant. Still think it was the relative that was in the wrong

relative sounds like a nightmare. Is it possible that people are such massive arses?

I think the biggest issue here is not the incident - yes, you're now validated that the person was being nit picky and your manager should have supported you - but why you feel the need to ask for validation after so many years? how many times did you make someone a drink in similar circumstances and they were grateful and said thank you? Are there other issues from your past which you struggle to let go of? Is there something common linking them all together? IME it's usually either vulnerability or unfairness which means we can't let go. If you can figure out why it's so triggering then that may help

@Beautiful3

She got disciplined for trying to do a kind thing. That relative is a horrible person. She complained that she got too much tea and too many biscuits, when she wasnt supposed to get any!!!

I volunteered at a lovely Hospice...Volunteers did the tea and cake and gardening/flower duties, leaving HCA's to do their more important work.

Relative is an an annoying pain in the arse.

What are you doing to work on your assertiveness skills?

Use your frustration to fuel something positive.

Many years ago I worked in a care of the elderly ward. Loved my patients and still remember them fondly. Unfortunately can’t say the same for some of the relatives.
One particular family used to sit round their mothers bed and argue with each other. They would watch what I was doing at all times with the other patients and complain. One of my ladies used to like sitting before she went to bed and look at a painting above her bed. I’d leave her there whilst I went to get her wash things etc.
The relatives complained that I left this lady staring at the wall for hours and she should be left facing out towards the room so she could see everyone. What they didn’t know was this lady didn’t like their mother or them and had no desire to sit and look or converse with them.
My manager told me I should do as they wanted to keep the peace.
I also got a complaint about the same lady, as I gave her a hug and a kiss each night when she went to bed. This was instigated by the lady and she’d hold her arms out for that hug and kiss. Afterwards she would give me a big smile and pat my hand.
This too had to stop after they complained as they deemed it too invasive.
Their mothers things started going missing and the staff were getting accused of stealing, they brought the police in.
It was horrendous and stressful for all the staff and patients.
Turns out it was the main complaining daughter who was stealing the items, not sure how they found out but she was caught taking jewellery from the mothers house.
The staff got no apology.
It was just awful and even though it happened so long ago I still remember it with fury. At the beginning I’d tried my best to get on with these relatives, there was no point and it was a waste of time trying. Unfortunately there’s just some people like that.

@GingerNinjer

Should probably point out that this happened a long time ago. I’ve been a qualified nurse for 6 years now. I know it’s ridiculous to still be whining about it but as I said, other similar things have happened since and I just feel so angry about it all.

I get you!

When I was a junior doctor, I was nearing the end of a 36h shift with no sleep (normal at the time), so was bone tired and dragging myself from ward to ward. In a corridor, I came across a man (visitor, not patient) looking lost, so asked him if he needed help. I explained how to get to the ward he wanted, and that he needed to go up two floors then down again. Instead of thanking me, he had a go at me about the silly layout of the hospital.

It took every ounce of mental strength not to reply, "Do I look like the fucking architect?"

It still rankles - and that was 20 years ago!

Bloody hell I think the correct response now would be:
Head tilt, tinkly laugh, "Are you serious?, The NHS is not funded by the tax payer to provide free drinks to the general public you know. "Stern look . "Goodness me, if your visitor wants a drink then they will have to fuck off/go to the vending machine down the corridor and pay for it."
Jesus Christ what a wanker.
I do agree the more you do the less appreciation you get. I've found this too. Stick to the rules, computer says no, better for you in the long run.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow 😂

@GingerNinjer
You say you can't get over this incident...
To an outsider, it seems trivial, but if out really bothers you so much, all these years{?} later, try and pinpoint Why it upset you so?

I got beyond furious at a man who threatened my dog with a garden fork on an allotment...An innocent dog, well behaved, having a fork jabbed at her head...while keeping on the grassy tracks between plots.

I realised that man represented all the men who had threatened and hurt me as a child, and I just saw red.

In retrospect, he probably saw dogs as things that pooed near his food crops.

Trying to understand our hurts can make us realise why we acted or reacted as we did , and 'Let them go'

@cansu

relative sounds like a nightmare. Is it possible that people are such massive arses?

Oh yes. This is nothing in the scheme of things. Anyone who has worked in care or retail will have these stories- and worse.

The care assistant did nothing wrong. The relative was not a patient, and the care assistant did not owe her anything. It was nice of her to try to help, but she was not the relative's personal servant, and it was quite a cheek of the relative to demand service like that. The care assistant no doubt had much more important things to do, for people who really needed it, and was doubtless being paid peanuts for it. I have known someone who acted a bit like this, when visiting a relative of mine who was in a care home for rehab, and it really put both my relative and myself off this person.

"Do I look like the fucking architect?"

Epic comeback....Wish you had said it! 😂

Relative says the mug is a little too full. Care assistant says “you don’t have to drink it all”. Relative says “but I might spill it”.

Why on earth would your reaction be that they didn't have to drink it all when they said the mug was too full? Did you not think they were worried about it spilling?

@GingerNinjer

Relative visiting a patient in hospital (before Covid obviously). Care assistant asks patient if they want a cup of tea. Patient asks if relative can have one too. Care assistant knows she’s not meant to offer refreshments to relatives but thinks “what’s the harm it could do?” And agrees. Care assistant takes two mugs of tea into patient and relative. Relative says the mug is a little too full. Care assistant says “you don’t have to drink it all”. Relative says “but I might spill it”. Care assistant gets narky, takes the mug to the sink and pours some tea out of the mug. Relative says there is tea dripping off the mug and it might stain her clothes. Care assistant rolls her eyes and cleans mug with a paper towel. Patient asks if they can have some biscuits. Care assistant goes off and returns with 2 packets of biscuits (each containing 3 biscuits). Relative says “there’s too many biscuits”. Care assistant says “leave what you don’t want”. Relative says “but it’s wasteful”. Care assistant says “then share one packet”. Patient says “there isn’t enough in one packet to share”. Care assistant says “the biscuits come in packs of 3, do you want them or not?” Relative says “can you take one biscuit away?” Care assistant says “no I’m busy now, just leave what you don’t want on the table”. Relative says “but it’s messy, crumbs will get everywhere”. Care assistant snaps and says “oh well!” And walks out.

Patient and relative complain about care assistant. Care assistant gets a talking to for a) giving refreshments to relatives and b) being rude to patient and relatives

YABU - care assistant was in the wrong
YANBU - care assistant did nothing wrong

If I was that care assistant I'd ban that fucking relative quick time.

What a rude arsehole.