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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who was in the wrong? Care assistant or relative?

218 replies

GingerNinjer · 21/03/2021 08:33

Relative visiting a patient in hospital (before Covid obviously). Care assistant asks patient if they want a cup of tea. Patient asks if relative can have one too. Care assistant knows she’s not meant to offer refreshments to relatives but thinks “what’s the harm it could do?” And agrees.
Care assistant takes two mugs of tea into patient and relative. Relative says the mug is a little too full. Care assistant says “you don’t have to drink it all”. Relative says “but I might spill it”. Care assistant gets narky, takes the mug to the sink and pours some tea out of the mug. Relative says there is tea dripping off the mug and it might stain her clothes. Care assistant rolls her eyes and cleans mug with a paper towel. Patient asks if they can have some biscuits. Care assistant goes off and returns with 2 packets of biscuits (each containing 3 biscuits). Relative says “there’s too many biscuits”. Care assistant says “leave what you don’t want”. Relative says “but it’s wasteful”. Care assistant says “then share one packet”. Patient says “there isn’t enough in one packet to share”. Care assistant says “the biscuits come in packs of 3, do you want them or not?” Relative says “can you take one biscuit away?” Care assistant says “no I’m busy now, just leave what you don’t want on the table”. Relative says “but it’s messy, crumbs will get everywhere”. Care assistant snaps and says “oh well!” And walks out.

Patient and relative complain about care assistant. Care assistant gets a talking to for a) giving refreshments to relatives and b) being rude to patient and relatives

YABU - care assistant was in the wrong
YANBU - care assistant did nothing wrong

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/03/2021 10:38

@oakleaffy

"Do I look like the fucking architect?"

Epic comeback....Wish you had said it! 😂

If I hadn't been wearing a name badge, I might have done Wink
reesewithoutaspoon · 21/03/2021 10:39

I once had a family put in a PALS complaint about me.
Their child was admitted at night and there was no parent accommodation left. We were very busy but I used part of my break to lug 2 couches into a side room. provided blankets, pillows, tissues, jug of water and offered them the use.
They complained that I had provided them with a room that was too hot and without tea and coffee making facilities. I was told off for giving them the room in the first place.
Seems like no good deed goes unpunished

Whocares2021 · 21/03/2021 10:42

@IDontLikeZombies

Oh OP, some people are just twats. That's all there is to it. I've been a nurse for a long time now and I think the ratios in the general population are about 1 proper nasty person:10 garden grade twats:100 nice, lovely people. Every now and then you get the an absolute gem in your case load, people who are just a joy to care for, try let them be the ones that you hold on to in your brain. I think the practice of reflection can be unhelpful in that we almost always only reflect on our mistakes or where things went wrong. On one hand its really useful as it helps improve the quality of your practice but it can be soul destroying too. About 10 years ago I started doing it in pairs - so if I had to reflect on a mistake I also reflected on something I did really well. It helps a lot.
Love that you have come up with this ratio - hurray for the lovely 100 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
NiceTwin · 21/03/2021 10:43

Relation sounds right snippy . Obviously nothing was going to be right for her.

I would be feeling very aggrieved if I was the care assistant.

Benelovencd · 21/03/2021 10:46

I'm sorry OP. I stopped being friends with someone who gloated about getting their GP's home carer fired because they went to visit as a family and were upset she was refusing to do their laundry, cook meals for them, clean up after them etc., and made it clear she was only there for the patient. They antagonised her all week and told her it was her job to be their cleaner and housekeeper too because their GP pays so much money to the agency every week and they deserve their money's worth.

They saw nothing wrong with their actions and making up false claims of neglect when the agency rejected their complaints of "she wouldn't cook for us" as perfectly valid and getting this woman fired.

You were a Saint. Relative would never have asked anyone for anything after that if it were me, and I probably would have be rightly fired for my reaction.

Onlinedilema · 21/03/2021 10:47

CoRhona God bloody forbid that the lazy twat should sort out their own drink or wipe the cup themselves if they spill it. This is the reason I stick entirely to the rules. It does not benefit the employee to be kind or bend the rules at all. It always bites you on the arse. If my customers are now late, I don't see them, full stop as per company rules. My boss will not pay me overtime or reduce the work load so this is one example of where sticking to company policy is for my benefit. So what if you were stuck in traffic I have to be on time so manage your own life. We used to point out how bad parking was blah blah and tell the clients make sure you set off early. Now I don't bother, I just say if you are late you will not be seen, end of. Same when they ask if they can bring children to the appointment. The company policy is we do not have room under covid laws to cater for any children. We strongly recommend that you do not bring them, if you absolutely must then they remain your responsibility at all time, they must not approach staff, if they do and break the 2 metre rule then you will be asked to leave and the appointment will be terminated. There are not facilities for your children, we do not provide seating for them and they must remain at your side at all times. Stops a lot of fuckwits to be fair.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 21/03/2021 10:48

Care assistant seems to have lost her cool and professionalism, for which yes, she needs speaking to. Relative totally inappropriate pain who seems to have confused her with a waitress. I bloody hope she’s not expecting to be offered tea in future.

category12 · 21/03/2021 10:49

@reesewithoutaspoon

I once had a family put in a PALS complaint about me. Their child was admitted at night and there was no parent accommodation left. We were very busy but I used part of my break to lug 2 couches into a side room. provided blankets, pillows, tissues, jug of water and offered them the use. They complained that I had provided them with a room that was too hot and without tea and coffee making facilities. I was told off for giving them the room in the first place. Seems like no good deed goes unpunished
What wankers.
CottonHeadedNinyMuggins · 21/03/2021 10:51

The relative sounds like one of those people who'd complain if she was given something and conversely if she wasn't given something.

You couldn't have taken a biscuit away and given it to someone else for basic rules of hygiene in the hospital (!) Surely patient and relative should have realised that?

Emeraldshamrock · 21/03/2021 10:53

The saying "no good deed goes unpunished" is popular for a reason.
Put it down to experience unfortunately no visitors will get a complimentary cuppa, all areas of customer services are dire, I'm on the phone so I can pull faces and roll eyes as long as I keep my tone pleasant.
I find a pleasant apologetic tone works wonders, it relaxes the nice customers and infuriates the nasty ones it is fun. Grin

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/03/2021 10:53

Relative needs to catch themselves on. I'd have taken a shit in the bitch's tea.

Which is why I'm not employed in the caring professions 😂

Ellmau · 21/03/2021 10:55

Honestly, OP, I think both were rude.

Onlinedilema · 21/03/2021 10:55

Evenmore that tickled me 😂😂😂😂😂😂

missingeu · 21/03/2021 10:56

I'm sorry this happened to you and also that you it affects you 6 years later.

I'm also a nurse and I'm not excusing behaviour but they are always going to be a 'negetive/ungrateful/moaning etc person'. I've found how I react effects how things greatly and they are times when I've wished that the unkind person didn't affect me so much. But we are human.

I try and remember the lovely patients/relatives and reflect on that.

I've been sworn at, spat at, hit, threatened with rape, threatened to be murdered, broken up fights, given a verbal warning to patient not hit other nurse etc.

But I've also been: hugged, noticed the most wonderful side of human nature possible, thanked, received the most incredible recongition, been told I've made someone's day, thanked by a grieving relative for making the last moment off thier loved one lives special. I could go on.

Focus on the good.

Notquiteworried · 21/03/2021 10:56

I think maybe this incident plays in your head because maybe it was the first time you realised that with some people, you can't 'win' and you will always be wrong just by virtue of the job you do, and as someone else said, staff in public facing jobs are treated by some as the enemy, and they will do anything to justify that attitude.
I've done retail, hospitality and care, and I can remember the first time I was made to look like an utter arse and about 2feet tall, by a, well nurse actually! It was 25 years ago and I still squirm at the thought of it.
Since then I've been physically assaulted, called every name under the sun and publicly named and shamed (thanks for that trip advisor!) In retail and hospitality. For basically not being able to perform miracles and not being willing to break the law.

I'm now back in care and in all honesty I find it better than the other 2 jobs, though I don't work with the public as such, they're a small group of people, and we've got no visitors actually coming in though we are having maybe more to do with them as we assist with video calls and things.

It really pisses me off when I see people say that customer service in this country has declined, and rant and rave about people not using their common sense - this is exactly why there are seemingly ridiculous rules surrounding apparently mundane things - because when we use our common sense, it leads to situations like this.
Customer behaviour is what's declined, everyone wanting something as 'compensation' and willing to do anything to get that.

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2021 10:58

@GingerNinjer

I admit I was narky with them. I should have just stopped the situation right from the start but it snowballed and I didn’t know what to do.
I think you were quite restrained.

I'd have poured the tea over her head taken the visitors tea and biscuits away

CovidCorvid · 21/03/2021 11:01

Something I found always helped me if a patient is being rude, or a visitor is being rude. That the patient may be in pain/worried, the visitor may also be worried. Doesn’t really excuse such behaviour but I tell myself they’re not acting like they normally would.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 21/03/2021 11:03

@Rollmopsrule

Honestly is this for real?? Relative sounds like a pita. Totally on the side of the care assistant.
Don't they just!

What a twonk!

Team Care Assistant here!

No good deed goes unpunished . . . Sad

Babyroobs · 21/03/2021 11:08

If I were the care assistant I would have just walked away as soon as they kicked off. i wouldn't stand for that kind of fuckwittery.

Rebelmcstreettuff · 21/03/2021 11:11

Forget and move on,stick to the rules as there is always one who will complain whatever you do.

DogsSausages · 21/03/2021 11:11

Some people are just looking for an argument, the relative was itching for a fight, they are just being petty but thankfully you will come across patients and relatives who appreciate all your hard work and care. I bet they wouldnt have spoken to the ward sister like that or a staff nurse, they see HCA as their own personal servants. Dont leave the profession because of something that happened 6 years ago, they are not worth the grief they cause.

Morgoth · 21/03/2021 11:11

Relative and patient sound like absolute nightmares

Lou898 · 21/03/2021 11:13

Unfortunately you will in any profession come across entitled, complaining individuals whose sole aim in life is to get what they want for nothing. They don’t see themselves as rude and never will. Hard as it is you just have to rise above it and be assertive. Hopefully the appreciative and kind ones far outweigh these and that’s where your focus should be.
If asked to do something you aren’t allowed to do....say whilst I would be happy to do it if it was permitted I am not able to. If you have a problem with that, please feel free to speak to........then walk away and don’t get into an exchange. If you do just repeat the same.
I have nothing but praise for those who work in caring profession, you are appreciated, don’t let these people affect your feeling of worth.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 21/03/2021 11:14

Poured some of the tea down the sink - I'd have thrown the lot away, and no chance of offering biscuits. Relative is a rude cow.
Maybe she had covid really badly.

ddl1 · 21/03/2021 11:21

Care assistant was wrong purely for the last ‘Oh well’ comment, which wasn’t professional. The patient was unreasonable before that with the demands, but surely dealing with difficult patients is part of the job?

If it had been a patient, your comment would be fair enough. But it was a patient's visitor.

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