to think this is weird?

[Primeaddict]

DP and I are meant to be getting married this year. His stag has been planned by his best friends - I know the dates as I helped clear them. I wasn’t told the destination.

It then came up in conversation with our friends who are a couple - he is going on the stag, she is my bridesmaid/close friend. He said how he doesn’t think the stag will go ahead as the country has high Covid rates and its planned for the week following May 17th (travel being allowed).

I know DP isn’t meant to know yet, but I text the girl to ask where it was so I could google rates as I know how excited he is. She said she cannot tell me and everyone has been told to not tell me.

Now, she is fully aware of this, but I have severe anxiety and OCD. She has been there when I am breaking down because I “need” to know things. I am in therapy etc. I wasn’t at all concerned about the stag (he goes abroad with friends every year) but now it’s a secret and I can’t know I’ve become a slight mess.

I wouldnt tell him and it’s not like people know us for over sharing etc.

So, is it weird?

YABU - no, they want it to be a surprise
YANBU - it’s weird to not tell you, DP is the only one it should be a secret to.

I imagine this is practice opportunity in "Let it Go"

They don’t want you to tell him.

I think it’s quite normal for them not to tell you - then you’re not burdened with having to keep it secret from your DP and can’t accidentally let it slip and spoil the surprise.

Surely the woman of the couple should also be in the dark?

@RunnerDuck2020

I think it’s quite normal for them not to tell you - then you’re not burdened with having to keep it secret from your DP and can’t accidentally let it slip and spoil the surprise.

hmm I wondered this But then why has the same girl in the couple (who organised mine) told DP where we are going, whilst I don't know?

I'm not someone who lets things slips. I have to know where to drop him off, what time, what airport, so it's a bit weird to hide the rest?

Maybe they don’t want any disappointment if it is cancelled.

It is their surprise to handle, I don't think it is fair to put your "need" to know at the forefront of this. They just don't want the surprise to be ruined, this isn't that weird or that big of a deal.

Yanbu. The circumstances mean that they might have to relax the rules of how secretive they are about the location.

So there’s no particular reason why you HAVE to know, you’re just anxious because you haven’t been told. In these circumstances yabu

I think it’s very wrong of them not to tell you.

They know you have a medical condition that means you can’t cope with this sort of unknown factor. They need to realise how unfair they are being.

I have to know where to drop him off, what time, what airport
Why? he’s a big boy, I’m sure he can sort himself sorted out or is friends will pick him up.

Firstly does your DP actually enjoy it being kept secret? If he does then fine, if not then neither option is great and he should just be told.

Otherwise YANBU but I worry that knowing the destination, and being able to obsessively google the covid stats there, would further feed your anxiety and not give you the reassurance you seek.

How long have you been going out? Is he 18? I find it weird that he still goes on an annual ' holiday abroad with friends and without you'!!!

Do YOU have a holiday abroad, ever year, away from him???

@HerMammy no - as in they have told me this information and asked me to do these things!

@Elouera yes we go abroad 6 times a year normally. I go away with my friends when he does too. We don’t have children and we are relatively young, so why not!

He’s 32

How long have you been going out? Is he 18? I find it weird that he still goes on an annual ' holiday abroad with friends and without you'!!!

Why? Lots of people in healthy relationships go abroad with friends. It doesn't mean they have to be 18

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing this is how I feel. But I am aware I’m probably irrational and it isn’t there job to make me feel better all the time. It has however pushed me into a weirdly sad spot as I keep thinking of myself as a burden, and these sorts of events exemplify that. I know I’m being silly though, my brain just doesn’t listen

*their, oh I’m ashamed

I sympathise entirely, I’m also really bad with being left out of information. I’d speak to the partner going on the stag and ask directly and give your reasons for wanting to know.

I knew where DH was going on his stag do and managed not to tell him, would have found it very odd if everyone had been told to keep it a secret from me!

@WorraLiberty @Primeaddict- I can't imagine needing to go abroad annually with friends once in a commited relationship.

@Elouera it’s not uncommon in the slightest! Most couples I know have a weekend away with friends! Girls long weekend to Marbella is common amongst my friends - we are all married/committed and 30+ 😂

No it's not weird. They're worried you'll accidentally ruin the surprise. You don't need to know to be fair. He's going abroad, it'll be Prague, Ibiza, one of the usual stag capitals and it makes zero difference which - they're all the same idea!

@Elouera you don’t need to stop maintaining friendships or hobbies just because you have a partner. Being in a committed relationship has no bearing on going on holiday with friends.

[quote Elouera]**@WorraLiberty* @Primeaddict*- I can't imagine needing to go abroad annually with friends once in a commited relationship.[/quote]
Needing? I'm not sure what you mean by that?

No-one needs to go abroad with anyone but lots of people continue healthy relationships with friends and continue to go on holiday with them, even after they've established a relationship with a man.

They are being unreasonable and a bit pathetic to be honest.

They need to grow up a bit.