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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is weird?

143 replies

Primeaddict · 20/03/2021 22:31

DP and I are meant to be getting married this year. His stag has been planned by his best friends - I know the dates as I helped clear them. I wasn’t told the destination.

It then came up in conversation with our friends who are a couple - he is going on the stag, she is my bridesmaid/close friend. He said how he doesn’t think the stag will go ahead as the country has high Covid rates and its planned for the week following May 17th (travel being allowed).

I know DP isn’t meant to know yet, but I text the girl to ask where it was so I could google rates as I know how excited he is. She said she cannot tell me and everyone has been told to not tell me.

Now, she is fully aware of this, but I have severe anxiety and OCD. She has been there when I am breaking down because I “need” to know things. I am in therapy etc. I wasn’t at all concerned about the stag (he goes abroad with friends every year) but now it’s a secret and I can’t know I’ve become a slight mess.

I wouldnt tell him and it’s not like people know us for over sharing etc.

So, is it weird?

YABU - no, they want it to be a surprise
YANBU - it’s weird to not tell you, DP is the only one it should be a secret to.

OP posts:

Original poster

Primeaddict · 21/03/2021 08:07

@luxxlisbon DP has made it clear to me that the alternative isn’t something he wants and would want it cancelled

OP posts:

MaMaD1990 · 21/03/2021 08:22

I understand, he's asking you to organise things so he can be surprised. If it were me, I would have a conversation with DP and say that everyone wants it to be a surprise but he is going to have to speak to his best man himself seeing as they won't give you much information. He doesn't need to know anything that will ruin the surprise but he needs to ask 1. Is the stag going ahead 2. If not, what dates he needs to book off (sounds like you help with that) and 3. He doesn't want to do x, y and z. If he is adamant that you do these things, I'd be quite blunt with the best man and tell him why you need to know and if he doesn't want to share anything, he needs to speak to your partner. Sounds like you're playing piggy in the middle!

chocolateorangeinhaler · 21/03/2021 08:41

You don't need to know, you WANT to know. Just because you're having therapy doesn't mean you get your own way. That's not how therapy works.

Kindperson · 21/03/2021 08:43

I'm hoping that the recent outcry about violence and exploitation of women will file stag dos under the heading 'of its time and shameful'. I reckon in 5 years time we will look back in bewilderment that this was ever considered to be something that decent humans supported. Not saying his is in Prague or Amsterdam but likely to not be a museum tour in Barcelona.

SecretSpAD · 21/03/2021 08:54

I can't imagine needing to go abroad annually with friends once in a commited relationship

We're in our 50's and both go away alone, with friends, together, as a family, with my dad, with one or both of the kids each year (pre covid). We have several trips planned for when restrictions lift - I'm taking our daughter to Paris, he's going to Prague with our son, I'm off to Barbados with friends and he's going cycling with friends and my dad. We don't need to do it, no one needs a holiday, but it's fun.

Kindperson · 21/03/2021 08:58

I think you might be bridezillaring a teeny bit. I'm trying to work out if you are irritated by your friend being pregnant because of your wedding. I remember a friend of mine having a meltdown when she found out one of the bridesmaids had a new boyfriend who was very tall as she was worried he would unbalance the photos

Spottybluepyjamas · 21/03/2021 09:17

@Elouera

How long have you been going out? Is he 18? I find it weird that he still goes on an annual ' holiday abroad with friends and without you'!!!

Do YOU have a holiday abroad, ever year, away from him???

I don't think you have to be 18 to go on annual holidays... I go on an annual holiday with my friends, and so does my husband. We just make sure that whoever isn't going away doesn't have any important meetings in the week so they can look after the children on the days when they're not at nursery

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/03/2021 09:29

@HeartsAndClubs

This isn’t about going abroad with friends though is it? Although IMO these stag do’s abroad are completely OTT, what happened to it being a stag night?

It’s about the OP’s partner who she presumably lives with, going to a place where she won’t even know where he is.

If anything happened to her no-one would know where to contact him.

If anything happened to him, it could be assumed that the relationship wasn’t actually a very committed one since she didn’t even know where he was.

IMO it’s less likely that this is because they don’t want you to tell him, and more likely that it’s somewhere like Amsterdam where the expectation is that he will be using prostitutes.

There’s a difference between a surprise and a secret. It will only be a surprise until OP’s fiancé gets to Departures - he’ll probably text her to say ‘Wow, we’re off to Berlin!’ or wherever the minute he knows. He’s not going to stay away for a week, never contact her and refuse to tell her where he went when he comes back.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/03/2021 09:36

[quote Elouera]**@WorraLiberty* @Primeaddict*- I can't imagine needing to go abroad annually with friends once in a commited relationship.[/quote]
Nobody needs to - but maybe they WANT to? Want is not a dirty word.

My friend’s mother is like you. He went on holiday without his husband and she feared the worst and thought they were splitting up. The next time he came away with our group of friends, she phoned him and he warned us all before he answered that he was going to pretend Steve was in the loo, rather than get her ‘suspicious’ again. It’s madness! It’s purely because he’s semi-retired, so has more flexibility on time away. They love going away together - they’re just capable of doing it separately too.

Oysterbabe · 21/03/2021 09:38

I'm hoping that the recent outcry about violence and exploitation of women will file stag dos under the heading 'of its time and shameful'.

For my husband's stag do they went to Germany, watched a football match and drank a lot of beer. What has that got to do with violence and exploitation of women?

Kindperson · 21/03/2021 09:42

I think it is generally accepted that most stag dos are not entirely innocent. And not necessary, a totally outdated and indulgent concept. Last night of freedom and all that bollocks. Everyone's husband has a respectable stag do abroad. The naughty prostitutes are probably out on the streets trying to tempt them away from the museums for a lap dance. Open your eyes!

HerMammy · 21/03/2021 10:23

once I knew, I’d make a decision as to whether I thought it was going ahead
This sounds more controlling than anxiety, your DP can make his own decisions, I’d find it very hard to tolerate your behaviour.

ElizaLaLa · 21/03/2021 10:30

@Kindperson

Issues, much?

Kindperson · 21/03/2021 10:32

Issues with abuse of women! Issues with adult women indulging their partners like little boys? Yes, I will fly that flag high and proud

luxxlisbon · 21/03/2021 10:40

@Kindperson your view is incredibly out dated if you think most stags involve anything remotely like prostitutes. Too many rom coma and not at all what the normal world is life.

luxxlisbon · 21/03/2021 10:40

*rom-coms

Kindperson · 21/03/2021 10:50

I tend to rely on data and statistics from rather more appriate sources than live actually. What a peculiar thing to suggest. Do feel free to visit Prague or Thailand for starters, both places I have lived in for my job. You may be surprised at the behavior of the average flabby British bloke.

luxxlisbon · 21/03/2021 11:05

@Kindperson and what is the data that backs up “most stag dos are not entirely innocent” and then suggest they are full of lap dances and prostitutes?

Kindperson · 21/03/2021 11:11

Statistics on rape and abuse of women on the front line of those industries. Statistics of girld being trafficked to these areas to satisfy the demands for stags to have young women available for sex. Living in two cou tries with a filthy industry and watching British gangs of men who probably are perfectly mild in real life behaving like animals. That's a start. Anyway I'm not bothered enough to argue with people who clearly think sending the hubster off for fun is appropriate.

yeOldeTrout · 21/03/2021 11:20

omg, Stop Projecting.

Even OP said that her problem & situation is about OP's "Inability to tolerate (temporary) Secret information known by others but not by herself".

You come across as rather controlling, sorry OP. Lack of information at this stage is your discomfort to bear, is my take on it.

CoRhona · 21/03/2021 11:22

@Kindperson is that an ironic user name?!

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2021 11:22

@Kindperson

Oh give over 🙄

And what the hell does their weight/bodies have to do with anything?

Massive projection there

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2021 11:25

And another telling line from the ironically named Kindperson...

Anyway I'm not bothered enough to argue with people who clearly think sending the hubster off for fun is appropriate.

Sending? Are you in the habit of sending your husband (if indeed you have one) on holiday with friends, or you know....do you just let him make his own decisions?

CatsNotDogs · 21/03/2021 11:27

Not going on holiday with friends once in a committed relationship? What an utterly pathetic opinion.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/03/2021 11:27

In my experience, ‘Not bothered enough to argue’ translates to ‘Knows they’re losing the argument’.

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