to think this is weird?

[Primeaddict]

DP and I are meant to be getting married this year. His stag has been planned by his best friends - I know the dates as I helped clear them. I wasn’t told the destination.

It then came up in conversation with our friends who are a couple - he is going on the stag, she is my bridesmaid/close friend. He said how he doesn’t think the stag will go ahead as the country has high Covid rates and its planned for the week following May 17th (travel being allowed).

I know DP isn’t meant to know yet, but I text the girl to ask where it was so I could google rates as I know how excited he is. She said she cannot tell me and everyone has been told to not tell me.

Now, she is fully aware of this, but I have severe anxiety and OCD. She has been there when I am breaking down because I “need” to know things. I am in therapy etc. I wasn’t at all concerned about the stag (he goes abroad with friends every year) but now it’s a secret and I can’t know I’ve become a slight mess.

I wouldnt tell him and it’s not like people know us for over sharing etc.

So, is it weird?

YABU - no, they want it to be a surprise
YANBU - it’s weird to not tell you, DP is the only one it should be a secret to.

I doubt he's going anywhere. I didn't know these things were supposed to be a surprise, but I've never gone on one or had my own.
As for holidaying with just the girls (or guys), sound perfectly reasonable to me. My mother often went away to see her huge family without my father. They went away every year together without us kids, and we all went as a family.

he doesn’t think the stag will go ahead as the country has high Covid rates

If this is the case, then I can't imagine it going ahead, full-stop.

Apart from travel, there'll be no hotels / restaurants / bars open.

In Ireland (where our Covid rates are the lowest in Europe, after being the highest post-Christmas), nothing hospitality related is opening till early summer at the earliest.

More broadly, I think the idea of it being a secret anyway is daft. Plan it, and tell him, and you.

But anyone organising a stag abroad at the moment is a combination of selfish & stupid.

@Elouera I think it’s fine to do things separately from your SO. I love to travel and have a group of friends who do too, so we go together too. DH goes away to car shows for weekends with his friends, I go on the types of holidays I love but he wouldn’t particularly enjoy (gastronomy tours, anything to do with going on the sea because he’s scared of it!) with mine. We have different interests, so as long as you can afford it and no one is being short changed in the relationship I can’t see an issue with it.

OP you've said that this friend knows about your anxiety/OCD and that you want to know to check COVID rates etc, could it be more a case of she doesn't want to tell you as doesn't want you getting anxious/obsessed about looking up stats for that country, worrying about it. Sounds like she could be looking out for you. I sympathise as I do have severe anxiety and I know if it were me I would be worrying about daily rates/deaths etc so as hard as it is would probably be better I didn't know.
I've took it from your OP that you haven't known the full time and it was when they mentioned it possibly not going ahead due to high COVID rates that you've asked where it was, which is why I think it could be she's looking out for you rather than being secretive

Does knowing things actually make anxiety less for those with an anxiety condition.

My impression was that knowing things didn't help Anxiety at all -- that's the definition. No amount of information makes the Anxiety stop. The solution to OP's problem is not having more information.

I⁸f they told you and you decided to look up the rates in the country and they were terrible, what would you do next? Would you shrug it off and say "ah well, all I wanted was to know". I very much doubt it. This will most likely lead to more anxiety about infection rates and you'll perhaps do something daft like say he can't go. Take a step back from this and don't take it so personally. It's hard to put your anxiety to one side but this is about your partner having a nice surprise, not you and how you're feeling. By the sounds of it they won't be going anywhere anyway, so it really makes no difference.

@WorraLiberty

How long have you been going out? Is he 18? I find it weird that he still goes on an annual ' holiday abroad with friends and without you'!!!

Why? Lots of people in healthy relationships go abroad with friends. It doesn't mean they have to be 18

Remember MN is anti friends and anti fun once you hit 18, otherwise you’re not an actual adult but a manbaby or a womanbaby.

This isn’t about going abroad with friends though is it? Although IMO these stag do’s abroad are completely OTT, what happened to it being a stag night?

It’s about the OP’s partner who she presumably lives with, going to a place where she won’t even know where he is.

If anything happened to her no-one would know where to contact him.

If anything happened to him, it could be assumed that the relationship wasn’t actually a very committed one since she didn’t even know where he was.

IMO it’s less likely that this is because they don’t want you to tell him, and more likely that it’s somewhere like Amsterdam where the expectation is that he will be using prostitutes.

I get the anxiety/ocd- but see this as a time to try and get either more help for it or practice techniques to control those thoughts. There will be more times in life things that you have no control over will come you. I found that dealing with them helped as I got older and came across situations that were truly horrific to deal with but I was much better equipped to do just that. I can’t see them being able to go anywhere abroad as even if the cv rate dropped soon it will still be in flux. I would have thought last year to cancel going abroad this year!

@HeartsAmdClubs That's quite an assumption suggesting OP won't know where he is and therefore will just be sleeping with lots of prostitutes. Her post is suggesting they won't tell her BEFORE they go, not that she'll have no idea where he is the entire time he's away. You should be asking for clarity from OP before posting such comments.

Why are people turning this into a “mn doesn’t like people having friends” discussion? OP has already said that this isn’t the case.

Can people here really say that they would be comfortable with their partner going away for the weekend and them having absolutely no idea where they were going? Especially considering they were going to another country?

Imagine worst case scenarios. The plane is involved in an incident or worse.

There’s a major incident in another country, fire/terrorist for instance.

And you didn’t even know your partner was there.

I don’t believe anyone would really be ok with that.

@ MaMaD1990 don’t be obtuse. I said that the expectation might be, i.e. from the friends who aren’t telling anyone where he’s going.

There is literally no reason for not telling someone’s cohabiting partner where in the world that is not in the UK, their partner is going on a stag do. None what so ever.

@HeartsAndClubs you're being ridiculous. As soon as the stag knows the destination, so will the OP. The surprise is only until the day of the stag.

@HeartsAndClubs

IMO it’s less likely that this is because they don’t want you to tell him, and more likely that it’s somewhere like Amsterdam where the expectation is that he will be using prostitutes.

Obtuse...sure. You're being ridiculous making mad assumptions that he's expected to sleep with prostitutes. The post has gravitated more towards OP's issues around anxiety and her need to know where he is going BEFORE because of COVID rates - not because they aren't in a committed relationship or that she's worried about him using prostitutes. You, my friend, are bang out of line making these assumptions and frankly, your views are total fiction with no factual basis. As I said before, the decent thing would be to ask intelligent questions instead of jumping to your own preposterous conclusions with zero knowledge.

@MaMaD1990

Stop being so rude to @HeartsAndClubs her opinion is just as valid as yours

I think that Covid could/should have given people the opportunity & thinking space to realise how utterly ridiculous many stag & hen things have become.

There is no way a 'surprise destination' is a good idea this year At All. People need to be able to make their own decisions about travelling to countries (if it's even permitted) and the idea of pub crawls is just ludicrous.

Irrespective of what people thought of lap dancing & prostitution pre Covid, there NO way they should be partaking in this now - and very few stag events do not.

@Primeaddict. I think it's a madness your OH should put a stop to now, wherever they're planning on taking him.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants What's rude about pointing out it's not nice to make wild assumptions about someone's relationship with zero evidence and suggesting that posing questions to the Op prior to making said assumptions is better? I do believe the name calling came from @HeartsAndClubs in the first place. Honestly.

@MaMaD1990 genuinely, once I knew, I’d make a decision as to whether I thought it was going ahead and spark a convo with the best man about alternatives.

I have no anxiety surrounding Covid itself. I’ve had it, it was fine. I’m not and have never been health anxious. My friends are aware.

@yeOldeTrout youre right. But this is actually something I’m learning to deal with in therapy, for my ocd it’s the equivalent of forcing some one out of their house if they are agoraphobic. You do these things with time, otherwise I have severe anxiety attacks. I hate it. But I would prefer to have the option of dealing with it myself. I kept it all at bay deciding not to know or care but then everyone decided I shouldn’t be allowed to know and it’s created an issue. If someone said “btw Prime, we are going to x, don’t tell Dave” I’d say ok, have fun.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I think it’s very wrong of them not to tell you.

They know you have a medical condition that means you can’t cope with this sort of unknown factor. They need to realise how unfair they are being.

Anxiety or controlling? Sorry @Primeaddict but this is nothing to do with you, you sound controlling in my opinion.

[quote Elouera]**@WorraLiberty* @Primeaddict*- I can't imagine needing to go abroad annually with friends once in a commited relationship.[/quote]
Wow, that's quite sad.
I still like to have fun with my friends even though I have a husband and children.

Thanks @MaMaD1990. I agree some weird things have now been said which don’t make me feel great.

I would have no issue with Amsterdam. Or any other European destination. Prostitutes are in England too, so don’t really get the point. Plus DP would hate that, he has specifically asked there not to be strippers etc as he finds it low brow and potentially exploitative - his friends agreed. Plus if he did use any of these services I’d know not to marry him and save myself a lot of future anguish!

I should know before he boards the plane. The very least his friends would say. There’d 100% be photos on Instagram and DP has Find Friends so at worst, I’d find out that way. I’d be surprised if he didn’t text me during it though, we are always in contact.

@Primeaddict Is it not the job of the best man and his other friends to decide on alternatives if they can't go to the destination they've already planned? It does come across like a bit of a 'control' issue to be honest, but I'm not sure why. Do you feel like you need some control over certain aspects to keep your anxiety at bay? Have you done things like this before (as in helping make decisions about things that you aren't involved in)? I'm not coming from a mean place, just trying to better understand.

How long have you been going out? Is he 18? I find it weird that he still goes on an annual ' holiday abroad with friends and without you'!!!

Do YOU have a holiday abroad, ever year, away from him???

I can't imagine needing to go abroad annually with friends once in a commited relationship

@Elouera this is really bleak. You would abandon all friends once you got a partner? You wouldn’t want to see your friends on your own again and only do stuff as a couple? You wouldn’t exist as an individual anymore? That’s really unhealthy.

once I knew, I’d make a decision as to whether I thought it was going ahead and spark a convo with the best man about alternatives.

This is probably the reason they don’t want you to know. It isn’t a case that you need to know for your anxiety and just knowing will put your mind at ease. It isn’t fair for you to push to know and then totally insert yourself in it.
It is their plan, it isn’t really up to you to decide whether it’s best to go ahead or not or plan alternatives. Your partner knows something is bei planned, if he didn’t want to do it at all he could voice that. As for the guys planning, it sounds like they at least have the common sense to have accepted that it probably isn’t happening and they are likely thinking of alternatives themselves. They don’t need or want you to do it.

@MaMaD1990 maybe but only because I really want DP to have the best time. He’s so excited and hasn’t heard anything. He’s open with me and said he doesn’t want it to go ahead if X Y and Z. But he hasn’t told best man this as he doesn’t want to get involved, he expects I’d be helping so he can be as surprised as possible. DP is a teacher so dates are extremely limited and he has a lot of extra responsibility and runs a business. With this first set of dates I had to find time in a half term (they want to go more than Sat/Sun) and then had to block out dates in his business diary.
The friend in the couple said yesterday he doesn’t think it will happen but that no one has said anything and he’s surprised. That’s when I got anxious.

For context, same best man hasn’t mentioned it but his wife has just announced she’s pregnant and due around our wedding - our wedding is far for them to travel. If she was close to giving birth she absolutely couldn’t come and he might not be able to either. I’m the only one who has realised this. No one else sees the issue. They’re quite oblivious men, tbh.

once I knew, I’d make a decision as to whether I thought it was going ahead and spark a convo with the best man about alternatives
This is probably what they are trying to avoid.

I honestly can’t see anyone going abroad on a stag do in May.