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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teenage Daughter making me sad :(

154 replies

Aimee8709 · 20/03/2021 14:43

Just looking for a bit of support as my first born is now nearly 15 and I'm just really struggling with the way she is, don't get me wrong she is a good girl, she does really well in school and I know she's not out drinking, smoking causing any trouble etc but we have drifted apart so much and she is not interested in doing anything with me at all, or even speaking to me! I also have a younger child, son who is 4 and she is just not interested in her brother at all, which also upsets me. I know it's 'normal' for teens to be difficult but I still feel really hurt and feel like its just me. I just want us to have that great bond again we had when she was younger. When do things start to get easier??

OP posts:
Unusualusernames · 20/03/2021 15:50

I don't know the answer but my daughter is 15 in April and is exactly the same. It's heartbreaking isn't it. Mine barely speaks to me unless she wants something. I just try to remind myself that I was a horrid teenager but it's really hard.

Fairyliz · 20/03/2021 15:54

As the mother of 2 DD’s in their 20s I would say this is totally normal. You are doing brilliantly if she hadn’t shouted at you that she hates you yet and you are the worst mother in the world!
I reckon about 22/23 is when you start having a decent relationship with them again.
Hang on in there op Smile

PinkiOcelot · 20/03/2021 15:56

Can totally relate OP. My dd is 16 and exactly the same. I really thought, because of the way she was when younger, that I wouldn’t have to go through this with her. How wrong I was.

I had a lump removed from my breast yesterday. She came in from school and went straight upstairs. She came down shortly after, asked if I was ok, gave me a hug and a kiss. Found out later that dh had told her to!! At one time he wouldn’t have had to do that!

HollowTalk · 20/03/2021 15:57

I do whatever it took to find something you have in common. I used to make sure mine came downstairs at 9 pm and watched TV with me - they could choose the programme - preferably a series where you could talk about it at other times of the day.

As far as her relationship with her brother's concerned, could you give her a job to do like reading to him every day? Something - anything, really - where they have to sit together and do something that's not stressful, so not taking him to the shop or anything like that, just sitting with him quietly.

Bluntness100 · 20/03/2021 15:59

That’s a big age gap. Have they both the same father? Are you all still,living together as a family? I’m wondering if she feels threatened or pushed out in some way

Also, what sort of things do you suggest you do together?

Please don’t give her chores like reading to your son. It will simply breed resentment.

Bluntness100 · 20/03/2021 16:00

Also how does she get on with her father?

TheGumption · 20/03/2021 16:03

She sounds like a really great kid. I can see you want to improve your bond with her but I think while you're making it a personal, hurtful attack on you she won't be very receptive. Be positive and make sure the interactions you do have are good.

fallfallfall · 20/03/2021 16:05

Came on to say 25, don’t expect much before then.

AlexaShutUp · 20/03/2021 16:08

What are you talking to her about? What is she interested in?

I find my 15yo is more than happy to engage if we chat about stuff that is important to her. Mainly lots of conversations about her friends, tbh, but also some TV programmes that I make a point of watching with her, what music she likes, some political issues that she cares about, stuff in school that she is annoyed about etc.

She definitely spends more time in her room than she used to, but I think that's pretty normal and I don't take it personally. I do try to make time for us to do stuff together, though, and she knows this is important to me. We often go for walks together, bake together etc.

I wonder if it's hard for you to engage her with your 4yo in the picture, OP? Do you get much time just with dd? My dd likes to have my full attention, and that must be difficult with a tiny person around. It's a shame that she isn't interested in her brother, but I don't think you can force that - they obviously won't have much in common.

Longdistance · 20/03/2021 16:18

I was like this with my mum. All normality was restored when I was about 17.

MintyMabel · 20/03/2021 16:38

Have they both the same father?

Why the heck is this in any way relevant?

pasturesgreen · 20/03/2021 16:45

Please don’t give her chores like reading to your son. It will simply breed resentment

This. There's a big age gap, it's quite normal the 15 yo isn't really interested in spending time with her little brother.

jessstan2 · 20/03/2021 16:47

It's normal behaviour for her age, Aimee. It won't last, just weather it for now.

MrsMop1964 · 20/03/2021 16:48

My 16-year old and I only really communicate through discussions about k-pop and anime (luckily I love k-pop myself and can reasonably fake interest in endless episodes of My Hero Academia!)
It's not you, but I can sympathise.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/03/2021 16:51

Mine’s the same. I miss my cute little girl, but she’s got to disconnect. And that’s what l keep reminding myself.

The little girl is in there somewhere, but she has to pull away from us to grow up.

moomoogalicious · 20/03/2021 16:51

I have 3 teens and always feel sad when it happens but its a normal part of growing up. Me and my youngest do things she enjoys like making costumes and baking to keep the connection a bit

SunnySideUp2020 · 20/03/2021 16:52

I was like this as a teenager.
You haven't drifted apart, she is just living her life. She is no longer a child!
Give her space and time and early twenties should be sweet :)
It's not that i hated my mum or anything but my head and priorities were somewhere else.
Also totally normal she isn't interested in a 4yo at this age.

chocatoo · 20/03/2021 16:59

I found the best way was chatting as soon as she got back from school over a snack and a drink. I would follow up on things we’d chatted about like 'how did xx react to what so and so said?' etc. Lots of open questions and remembering previous things she’d talked about. I also wonder if your younger child means you could be a bit busy to have meaningful chat though.

Ellpellwood · 20/03/2021 16:59

This is normal. I stopped talking to my mum about my life from about 15 to 20 as she didn't "get it". She was quite a black and white person and friendships and relationships at that age can be quite up and down.
For example one friend was banned from seeing her (very lovely but quite distracting) boyfriend and she needed quite a lot of teenagery support. Drama when you are 15! But all my mum would have seen was me being out a lot and on the phone all the time. I never bothered telling her because she'd have called my friend silly. And then started grilling me about boys.

Christmasfairy2020 · 20/03/2021 17:07

Go for Starbucks and go spa day when things open up

MyDogCalledMax · 20/03/2021 17:08

@Fairyliz

As the mother of 2 DD’s in their 20s I would say this is totally normal. You are doing brilliantly if she hadn’t shouted at you that she hates you yet and you are the worst mother in the world! I reckon about 22/23 is when you start having a decent relationship with them again. Hang on in there op Smile
Agreed. I remember being horrible to my mum around 14/15/16. It definitely turned in my twenties and I’m now 32 and we get on great! Just keep going :)
AlexaShutUp · 20/03/2021 17:08

I stopped talking to my mum about my life from about 15 to 20 as she didn't "get it". She was quite a black and white person and friendships and relationships at that age can be quite up and down.
For example one friend was banned from seeing her (very lovely but quite distracting) boyfriend and she needed quite a lot of teenagery support. Drama when you are 15! But all my mum would have seen was me being out a lot and on the phone all the time. I never bothered telling her because she'd have called my friend silly. And then started grilling me about boys.

I do think it helps to respect your dc's view of the world and not be too judgmental or dismissive of their ideas and problems. My dd tells me that her friends don't talk to their parents because they "don't get it" whereas apparently, I do.

We don't always see eye to eye on stuff, but I do try to genuinely listen and understand things from her point of view. Obviously, there is stuff that seems dramatic at 15 that isn't a big deal for an adult, but if it's a big deal to her, I try to respect that - nobody wants their problems to be belittled or dismissed. And I try to be quite open-minded, too, and not to assume that I know better than she does - teenagers hate to be patronised!

XelaM · 20/03/2021 17:09

I have a 10-year age gap with my brother and when I was a teen I couldn't stand him and wanted to have nothing to do wit him. When he was 18 and at uni he moved into my house and we lived together for 3 years. Were now 35 and 25 and like each other very much.

Dundustin · 20/03/2021 17:10

They disconnect to reconnect. Mine were all like this. A decade on and we all get on really well, as adults.
Keep in mind the long term. I promise it gets better!

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 20/03/2021 17:10

This is sad but completely normal. She will come back, but this is the time in her life when she needs to become independent and find her own life. You'll probably become closer than ever when she's done - maybe 4-5 years.