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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage Daughter making me sad :(

154 replies

Aimee8709 · 20/03/2021 14:43

Just looking for a bit of support as my first born is now nearly 15 and I'm just really struggling with the way she is, don't get me wrong she is a good girl, she does really well in school and I know she's not out drinking, smoking causing any trouble etc but we have drifted apart so much and she is not interested in doing anything with me at all, or even speaking to me! I also have a younger child, son who is 4 and she is just not interested in her brother at all, which also upsets me. I know it's 'normal' for teens to be difficult but I still feel really hurt and feel like its just me. I just want us to have that great bond again we had when she was younger. When do things start to get easier??

OP posts:
Spring2021 · 20/03/2021 17:12

I have a DD16 and a DS17 it really is like they both moved out. We rarely see them. DS can at least hold a conversation. But with DD its like she absolutely hates me. I feel like I am an evil step mum, a junkie abuse mum or something not the loving caring mum I have been. I long to have my sweet fun cuddly kind caring happy little girl back. Instead I have a moody grumpy spotty rude thoughtless teenager.

murbblurb · 20/03/2021 17:13

She certainly needs some basic manners and respect. But you are her mum, there's a big age gap ( I hope) so why should you be her best friend? Nothing personal.

HeadNorth · 20/03/2021 17:15

It will be better when she leaves home Grin Honestly from about 15 my youngest got progressively more vile to me and could hardly hear my voice without rolling her eyes. Went to uni at 17 (we're Scots) and I was delighted by how often she messages and phones me, asks for advice, wants to share her news and generally is lovely to me. So don't despair, I think some of them just need a bit of time and space.

Ellpellwood · 20/03/2021 17:17

I do think it helps to respect your dc's view of the world and not be too judgmental or dismissive of their ideas and problems. My dd tells me that her friends don't talk to their parents because they "don't get it" whereas apparently, I do.

Yes, this. You know what I would compare it to? The Covid Police. You post a thread about how your friend has cut you out of her life over her wedding and a poster says "There probably won't be a wedding anyway as we'll be in a third wave." Well, ok, maybe, but not the point.

shivermetimbers77 · 20/03/2021 17:18

I was like this with my mum, and cringe to think about it now.. it is a normal stage of development though and will get better with time.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/03/2021 17:19

Totally relate
It’s sad 😞 and we do grieve
But it appears to me normal and oar for the course

topcat2014 · 20/03/2021 17:20

My DD (14) texts me for food. Other than that, not so much

feelingfree17 · 20/03/2021 17:20

Important that even though there is distance at the moment (quite normal) let her know you are walking beside her as she navigates her way through the teenage years. Don’t judge her or her friends, and hopefully she can open up to you with any problems. Keep lines of communication open. Always welcome her friends at home. Take her on a spa day or a shopping trip when we are able.

WaverleyPirate · 20/03/2021 17:20

Mine are age19 to 25. It's brilliant now. Hold in there!

Lentillover1900 · 20/03/2021 17:20

@MintyMabel

Have they both the same father?

Why the heck is this in any way relevant?

A very valid question.

What on earth is your problem with it?

You have assumed the poster was loading the question with a judgment. When in fact YOU have.

If the DD has, for example, a very difficult relationship with her brother’s father, it may impede her desire to be close to her brother. If they don’t share the same father

Stovetopespresso · 20/03/2021 17:24

@Christmasfairy2020

Go for Starbucks and go spa day when things open up
easy to say...but its now that the problem exists. I have had the same op, I have been totally frozen out by dd13. I have had to learn to harden my heart and back off. I have learned to really listen and put up with watching Stranger Things if I want to be with her, not seeing her for large parts of the day as she's in her pigsty room. Luckily she needs me to ferry her around to her one remaining hobby and friend which I use, as subtly as possible- to incentivise 'good' behaviour, by which I mean tidying her room once a week and doing the dishes occasionally.

And she does come out of her shell sometimes even just for 15 minutes at mealtimes. I just have to remind myself to value the tiny pauses in the grumpiness and iciness

The effects of lockdown could be more than you think too. for me it's been about keeping her safe and healthy (mentally and physically) without her realising it and it feels totally thankless.
BUT....

I have learned less is more. she will come back! I also have a 23yo who is a truly lovely person!

Saltyslug · 20/03/2021 17:26

What is your teen interested in? Films? Food? Walks?

Oblomov21 · 20/03/2021 17:28

I find this with my 2x ds's teens. Really hard to accept, but quite common I fear.

Livelovebehappy · 20/03/2021 17:28

Definitely normal behaviour. I drifted apart from my daughter in her early teen years. They are more into their friends than family at that age, and start to push boundaries, I guess trying out their independence. She’ll come out the other side fine I’m sure. We reconnected when she was about 17/18, and remain close.

Stovetopespresso · 20/03/2021 17:30

@Spring2021

I have a DD16 and a DS17 it really is like they both moved out. We rarely see them. DS can at least hold a conversation. But with DD its like she absolutely hates me. I feel like I am an evil step mum, a junkie abuse mum or something not the loving caring mum I have been. I long to have my sweet fun cuddly kind caring happy little girl back. Instead I have a moody grumpy spotty rude thoughtless teenager.
I feel like that too, or else that I am the invisible mum, something in the mud she needs to step on to get to her next destination. DS was talking about GCSE's yesterday and i told her I'd got a few A's and she said "what, you?" with this doltish blank look on her face
Nameandgamechange123 · 20/03/2021 17:30

From 13 my daughter went very cold on me. Age 14 she went through a very strange phase of self harm/trying out drinking etc-really hard and stressful for the whole family. Now she 15 she's beginning to want to be with me loads more. I'm really hoping that I've done the hard part now! But I was also awful to my mum. My theory is that teens are programed to want to go out and mix with people not in their own family. It makes sense in evolutionary terms.

Flowers24 · 20/03/2021 17:32

Yep 16 yr old here the same most of the time, has odd loving moments

Flowers24 · 20/03/2021 17:33

@Spring2021

I have a DD16 and a DS17 it really is like they both moved out. We rarely see them. DS can at least hold a conversation. But with DD its like she absolutely hates me. I feel like I am an evil step mum, a junkie abuse mum or something not the loving caring mum I have been. I long to have my sweet fun cuddly kind caring happy little girl back. Instead I have a moody grumpy spotty rude thoughtless teenager.
I feel like mine have moved out as we also rarely see them..................
Stovetopespresso · 20/03/2021 17:35

maybe the more powerful the bond and the stronger the child, the worse the behaviour??

we can hope!
I was GUTTED when this happened to me. I went through a minor depressioni think!!
you have to pick yourself up, read a parenting book or two and look after yourself.
while still looking after her.

but not in a way she finds stifling.

jeez its hard isn't it

Cornishclio · 20/03/2021 17:41

As the mother of 2 now adult daughters I would say that is fairly normal. Normal relations will probably be restored around 18 but those years from about 13 to 16 are problematic and they only seem to be interested in their friends and hanging out with parents and siblings is uncool.

One thing which did work was to offer to take them shopping and we would have a drink or lunch out. Bribery works well with kids of whatever age.

LowlandLucky · 20/03/2021 17:44

My baby is in her 30s, she was just like your Daughter, now she is on the phone every day. Hang on in there, it will get so much better.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 20/03/2021 17:46

I was a horrid child at this age.
My eldest is 16 this summer and he is very much only speaking to me when he wants something. Quite sullen etc. He is working hard at school and I'm proud of him so he also isn't "trouble" as it were.
My second son is 14 and is very loving and open with me.
I am assuming the eldest is in a stage and it will pass.

Shrivelled · 20/03/2021 17:46

I hated my parents from age 14 to 20. We’re really close now. All you can do is be there if they need you.

Banterlope · 20/03/2021 17:47

My DD (16, 18) have me in (silent, private) tears on the regular. I know it's normal and part of growing their personality so they can move out and have their own identity etc. etc., but God it stings to be on the end of their wrath and fury over… well, God knows really. Funny how the people who provide for everything and do anything they can for them get treated like shit. Ah well, at least everyone else/school says they are sweet and polite. This too will pass…

gavisconismyfriend · 20/03/2021 17:49

It sounds like a really healthy mother-daughter relationship. She has a healthy attachment to you which allows her to distance a bit whilst she transitions to adulthood. A much better thing than her being enmeshed with you and unable to be independent. Keep doing as you’re doing, sounds like she’s a lovely kid really and you’re doing a great job.