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Original poster

Teenage Daughter making me sad :(

154 replies

Aimee8709 · 20/03/2021 14:43

Just looking for a bit of support as my first born is now nearly 15 and I'm just really struggling with the way she is, don't get me wrong she is a good girl, she does really well in school and I know she's not out drinking, smoking causing any trouble etc but we have drifted apart so much and she is not interested in doing anything with me at all, or even speaking to me! I also have a younger child, son who is 4 and she is just not interested in her brother at all, which also upsets me. I know it's 'normal' for teens to be difficult but I still feel really hurt and feel like its just me. I just want us to have that great bond again we had when she was younger. When do things start to get easier??

OP posts:
StellaDendrite · 20/03/2021 19:31

I know it’s not unusual for teens to be like this but I think COVID must be making it a lot more common. Everyone is feeling trapped.

When the restrictions lift might she be ok to come with you for quick meals out or short shopping trips. I was always willing to give them lifts too. Spa days or anything too long and too contrived would be less likely to work.

Another thing that I found a great way to really get to ‘know’ my kids was by taking them to open days for university. That’s obviously not possible at the moment but hopefully it will be soon.
You definitely need to try and do things just with her and without your son.
Are you sure that you are not still treating her like a kid and not a young adult? (Understandably Hard when they are behaving so childishly!) You need to make sure you are properly listening to her and considering her point of view. Are you good at letting her make her own decisions?

I used to let my kids make their own decisions about things that were their own business. I know that wouldn’t work with all kids but it did with mine. Example are things like choosing the local comp rather than a further away grammar school for Alevels. I think I would have chosen the Grammar but all four chose the comp. The fact they knew I would respect their wishes meant they were more willing to ask me my opinion.

LoveBeingAMum555 · 20/03/2021 19:34

Totally normal, you have to tread a fine line between allowing her to have her own space and keeping an eye on her and making sure that she knows that you are there if she does need to talk. Its really important with teens that they know you love them no matter what.

Its OK to make suggestions about doing things together but I would never try to push it, she will come back to you eventually. I remember a long car journey with just me and DS2 when he was about 15 or 16 and I think he spoke about 3 words the whole way, I felt miserable afterwards but I dont think he even realised there was anything unusual. He is 20 now and we are very close.

ChameleonClara · 20/03/2021 19:38

Listening...

Minniem2020 · 20/03/2021 19:47

This thread is actually really comforting. Just had a conversation with DD14 and once again I'm left feeling like shit, like the worse mother in the world and that literally everything I say is wrong-even when I'm trying to help. Comforting to know I'm not the only one

foreverchangingmyname · 20/03/2021 19:53

My 2 are still little but I'm late 20's now and my poor dm can't do enough to get away from me! I was a right horrible teenager, I actually cringe when I think back to some of the stuff I said and did to my poor mother. However now I've grown up and got my own 2, she is my best friend. I consult with her on clothes, work, the kids and just a good gossip sometimes. We really do turn it around at some point, I think I was about 22 when we got back on track

SphJane · 20/03/2021 19:56

Hey OP,

I’m coming from the side of the 15 year old here, my mother and I had a toxic relationship and we refer to me being 15 as the year of the devil child...

I can promise you it’ll get better. Hormones and puberty hit people differently, when I was 15 I really struggled at school and I took it out on my mum. Now at 25, mum and I have the most amazing relationship. I feel for you and I can only imagine how awful it feels, the guilt still eats me to this day for being so passive in my teens. Remember your DD loves you dearly, but the teenage brain processes things very differently during these crazy years. Hang in there, sending love to you!

Crickey734637 · 20/03/2021 20:00

and I took it out on my mum

This is happening a lot to me. I seem to be to blame for most things and it is really upsetting me. I have done loads for my nearly 15 year old ...supported her with things no end. I didn't even get a Mothers Day card which has also cause me upset.

Crickey734637 · 20/03/2021 20:02

naturally horribly self absorbed at this age.

Yes this. My teen even looks at her reflection in the window when she is talking to me sometimes.

SplendidSuns1000 · 20/03/2021 20:19

I promise you it's normal. She still loves you and looks up to you. She's right in the middle of puberty and is probably wondering why she's acting like she is. Just make sure she knows you love her and you're ready for her to be her again. It does get better.

mrshonda · 20/03/2021 20:26

My poor long suffering mum was my 'enemy' at 14 or 15, by 18 or 19 she was my best friend who I would go to for everything. We still had our disagreements at times, but even as a stroppy hormonal 15 year old I loved her so much.

Saltyslug · 20/03/2021 20:29

So what are her interests.

Sit her down and ask her to think about something you can do together because you miss her

1Morewineplease · 20/03/2021 20:32

Just wait a while , give her space, don't criticise but remind her that you'll always be there for her.
The difference between 15 and 18 is huge. By 20, the difference is enormous.
Hang on in there.

lborgia · 20/03/2021 20:41

You need this thread from the last week... although be warned, it takes it all very lightly, hope it cheers you up!
Things I’ve Done Wrong According To Teen DD

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/03/2021 20:49

@PinkiOcelot

Can totally relate OP. My dd is 16 and exactly the same. I really thought, because of the way she was when younger, that I wouldn’t have to go through this with her. How wrong I was.

I had a lump removed from my breast yesterday. She came in from school and went straight upstairs. She came down shortly after, asked if I was ok, gave me a hug and a kiss. Found out later that dh had told her to!! At one time he wouldn’t have had to do that!

That isn’t in the realm of normal teenage behaviour, I’m sorry. That’s just plain inconsiderate.
PropsPropel · 20/03/2021 20:55

What a wonderful thread, thank you to all the wise mums who've been there. We're not quite there yet but will in a few years and I know it will be hard Sad.

Proudboomer · 20/03/2021 20:55

I can’t believe the number of mothers who seem to accept down right rudeness from their teens and just accept it and make excuses ie it’s their hormones, they will grow out of it, hang on in there.
Yes they do stand exercising their independence and distancing themselves which is all acceptable but surly”what do you want” just because you are looking at them is not.
If my teens had said that then the answer would be “some civility for a start or next time you want something you won’t be getting it”

FreekStar · 20/03/2021 21:09

@Proudboomer, it was my dd said this and to be honest she got short sharp thrift from me for this and was told in no uncertain terms this wasn't an acceptable way to speak to a parent. DH backed me up and has had words too. He made it clear she was being disrespectful and he was upset with her distant behaviour. She's made an effort to be a bit more civil and is watching TV with us now.

Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 21:11

Completely normal. She will snap out of it.

Just find a few activities that you like to do together. Don't make a big deal, just lower your expectations.
You'll get there
🙂

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/03/2021 21:18

I think Covid has made it harder. There’s no little trios out anywhere and that makes it harder to find things in common.

For instance my dd doesn’t ever watch tv.
She’s not bothered about cooking or baking
She will sometimes play a board game
But it’s quite hard to find things to do .

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 20/03/2021 21:41

My dd is 15yo and it's definitely a tricky age and I think teens generally have missed out on a lot because of lockdown.

We do an evening dog walk and this tends to be the only time we actually talk to each other.

Writerandreader · 20/03/2021 22:14

Ouch this reminds me of what a vile teenager I was. I get on well with my mum and as I recall the really bad years were just as you say.. Around 14 to 16. I felt sick with embarrassment when my mum appeared. It must be an evolutionary //hormonal thing it was such a fepe physical reaction. I loved her but the cringe was just so massive. I just felt such a strong strong desire to get away from her and be independent.

One thing I would say. I think modern teens are very repressed in terms of freedom. And covid has made it worse.

Teens really need independence and time away from their parents to take some risks and develop as individuals. If all they have is school and home thars just not enough.

I would make sure she gets time at a youth club or sport etc. Once they open up.

I distinctly remember my mood getting better after about 16 when I was out a lot having enough time to really feel I had my own life.

Akrotiri1 · 20/03/2021 22:14

My son went through a horrendous teenage stage, from around 12yrs - 17yrs, which also co-incided with his Dad walking out, so poor son had a very tough few years.

Similar experience in terms of the 'disconnection' but add smoking, drug taking, alcohol abuse into the mix and a very difficult time for us both.

However he is 18 yrs now and since starting college and getting a decent part time job, plus a lovely girlfriend, he has really started to mature and 'even out' - he talks to me a lot more and often about personal things and feel we have a far better connection now than we ever did.

Hang on in there - teenage years are tough on all concerned! Hugs x

FinallyHere · 20/03/2021 22:20

Totally normal. She needs to separate from you in order to become a fully independent adult. It's all good.

AlexaShutUp · 20/03/2021 23:29

it was my dd said this and to be honest she got short sharp thrift from me for this and was told in no uncertain terms this wasn't an acceptable way to speak to a parent. DH backed me up and has had words too. He made it clear she was being disrespectful and he was upset with her distant behaviour. She's made an effort to be a bit more civil and is watching TV with us now.

Tbh, if my dd responded to a smile with a surly "what do you want?", I would just take the piss out of her and make a joke out of it, rather than telling her off. And then she'd probably realise that she was being ridiculous and apologise.

I do think there is a lot to be said for picking your battles wisely with teenagers and not making a big deal out of stuff just because you can. A bit of patience goes a long way in my experience, and it's possible to pick them up on any bolshy behaviour in a jokey way without making it into a bigger issue than it needs to be.

personallyvictimizedbyreginage · 20/03/2021 23:54

@Bluntness100

That’s a big age gap. Have they both the same father? Are you all still,living together as a family? I’m wondering if she feels threatened or pushed out in some way

Also, what sort of things do you suggest you do together?

Please don’t give her chores like reading to your son. It will simply breed resentment.

@Bluntness100 Goodness I’m about to have a 14year age gap! The 14year old isn’t mine but dads. And he’s younger than me!