Teenage Daughter making me sad :(

[Aimee8709]

Just looking for a bit of support as my first born is now nearly 15 and I'm just really struggling with the way she is, don't get me wrong she is a good girl, she does really well in school and I know she's not out drinking, smoking causing any trouble etc but we have drifted apart so much and she is not interested in doing anything with me at all, or even speaking to me! I also have a younger child, son who is 4 and she is just not interested in her brother at all, which also upsets me. I know it's 'normal' for teens to be difficult but I still feel really hurt and feel like its just me. I just want us to have that great bond again we had when she was younger. When do things start to get easier??

don't give up on her, she loves you
I went through this with my mum

There's 10 years between me and my little sister. No resentment, I loved playing with her and reading to her, and taking her out with me and my mates. I was not interested in spending much time with my parents though during my teens. I loved them very much, but I was embarrassed by them (just for breathing). Totally normal.

In my experience totally ormal. With DD2 I really thought we'd never get on but after a few bumpy years it all settled down. Shes 24 now and we couldn't be closer. I bit my tongue a lot and tried my best to be there while she figured herself out. Its difficult but so worth it in the end.

I barely spoke to my mum between 14-17. I was very embarrassed by my behaviour by 18 and she we have been very close ever since. It is pretty normal.

My daughter is 15 next Month. We get on great I just rarely see her or my son who is 14 in a couple of months for that matter.

Had a hard time with dd, she is coming “back”... but she was always aloof, even as a small child. V difficult years when she was a teenager. In no way bad or ill-behaved. Just really, really struggled with everything and extremely sensitive.

I will be heartbroken if this happens again with ds tbh but I don’t think so, a different child.

I think teenagers are inherently quite self facing. In their world they don't see anything but themselves and their friends. She knows you love her, keep the lines of communication open snd she will come back.

We have absolutely zero tolerance about rudeness though. Neither of ours have ever sworn at us or been unkind. I am actually secretly horrified at my friends laughingly recounting what their teens have said - swearing abusive stuff. It’s sickening especially as these are loving parents who do so much for these bloody awful kids. No one speaks to dh and I like that least of all our own flipping children.

How do you enforce that though @MsTSwift? What if they are in the midst of a hormonally induced rage, it's not healthy to keep it all in? Their need to push us away is hard wired, how can they do that in a less toxic way? Genuine question. My dd is younger but I'm dreading being treated like shit.

yellow you start young, so they know where the line is. I was a twatty teen, but I never swore at my parents. Did a fair bit of door slamming. Mainly cos of arguments with my dad over politics and women's rights.

@MsTSwift, my dd has never sworn at me either, but my point is that you can choose to deal with behaviour that is a bit "off" in a variety of different ways. Not everything needs to be about parents laying down the law, and not everything needs to be a power struggle.

I have never demanded respect from dd. I have shown her respect, and she has reflected that back. If your strict no tolerance approach works for you and your kids, then that's great, but that approach doesn't seem to be working for everyone on here because people are describing their strained relationships with their teens. I just wanted to point out that there are alternative approaches to dealing with stuff that might be worth a try.

Their need to push us away is hard wired, how can they do that in a less toxic way? Genuine question. My dd is younger but I'm dreading being treated like shit

I certainly don't have all the answers, but I do have a great relationship with my teen daughter, and she has never once treated me like shit. The hormones might take over occasionally and she might get a little bit stroppy, but she will catch herself and apologise spontaneously. I don't actually think it's inevitable that teenagers will want to stop engaging with their parents for a period. I just think the relationship has to change and grow as they develop their independence.

I hear a lot about what goes wrong in other parent-teen relationships because my dd talks a lot about her friends. I have also worked with teenagers and heard a lot from their perspective. I think a lot of problems can arise from parents failing to recognise that their kids are growing up. Failing to really listen and value their kids' opinions on stuff. Expecting their kids to respect them but not really showing any respect in the other direction. Being dismissive of stuff that seems massively important to the teen. Being obsessed with stuff that doesn't seem remotely important to the teen. Being convinced that parents know best without ever really hearing the alternative point of view. Making everything into a power struggle.

It doesn't have to be that way.

Neither dh or I would ever have talked to our parents like that neither of our girls do or would do either. We talk don’t rant and rage. Dh argues for a living so doesn’t need that at home.

They strop and huff sometimes obviously!

This is so normal..in our house(with2teens)im just happy they chip in with the chores&study hard..I see them for netflix with dinner&kayaking&big days out- but nothing else,they live in their rooms tbh. Dont impose a 4yr old on a teen-can u think back to how u felt back then or just put yourself in her shoes now?Its not anyones "fault" theres a huge age gap but ur choice,not hers-dnt alienate her by forcing something.She sounds great-be proud of her&that she has her own interests,shes not meant to be hanging out with mum at her age!Encourage&support her-dnt guilt trip her-and she'll be happy to talk/confide in you when she needs..

Also, would you be expecting a fourteen year old boy to take an interest in a four year old? Or is it because she's a girl?

@pasturesgreen

Please don’t give her chores like reading to your son. It will simply breed resentment

This. There's a big age gap, it's quite normal the 15 yo isn't really interested in spending time with her little brother.

I agree, I have a nearly 4 year old and I’m not a fan of reading to her as a fun activity for me and I’m 37! I like doing it as she’s my daughter but not for anything else,

Rudeness, particularly if tinged with nastiness like the examples you give, irrespective of age, is simply not tolerated in this house.
I give my teens lots of privacy. I respect them. I listen to them. I assist them with sports clubs (picking up etc), I occasionally get cuddles when I’m lucky. And generally good relationship with ups and downs

But my goodness, my daughter say “what do you want?” If I smiled at her, would be sent to her room, with no electronics whatsoever and then would be required to make her own way to next hockey practise (a huge pain in the behind)

For those saying the need to push away is hard wired - YES - BUT - the need to be 'rude' is NOT hard wired. It is a western problem as is the anxiety teens display.

Many years ago the anthropologist Margaret Mead studied teens in Polynesia to find out if they were also anxious and miserable and vile to the adults around them - turned out no, they were not. They were happy and playful and grew into adults in a different way.

Our teens are over controlled, under exercised and spend too much time indoors, watched over by adults etc and on screens - what they need is to find taht independence in safe enough ways. They should ideally be out after school at youth clubs/ activities/ hanging with friends but sadly (and covid has made worse) this is just less and less a normal life for teenagers.

Remember that until 50 years ago most 15 year olds were more like adults, moving on with their lives - we 'baby' teens to the extent that now at 18 they are seen as children still. It's not good for them and they feel the over parenting as an intrusion.

My brother and sister both had anxiety as teens when my father died 50 years ago. I was much younger and also had it.

That study you are talking about is not comparible to today’s society. We live in the west not in Polynesia.

I'm sorry, but your teen isn't responsible for your emotions.

I think a lot of dc become closer again when they are older.

Wow @Wondergirl100 children brought up in massively different environments act and think massively differently. Who'd have thought it?

I'm guessing you've never been faced with the horror of a child self harming or refusing to eat.

I think wondergirls point is the terrible teens is not inevitable

+think wondergirls point is the terrible teens is not inevitable*

Said no parent of a teen ever. It’s down to temperament Some are easy, some are not.

I fear I may be arriving at this stage. Not all the time but my 12 year old looks at me like something the cat brought in sometimes!

Still wants cuddles other times though. For now ...