Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Teenage Daughter making me sad :(

154 replies

Aimee8709 · 20/03/2021 14:43

Just looking for a bit of support as my first born is now nearly 15 and I'm just really struggling with the way she is, don't get me wrong she is a good girl, she does really well in school and I know she's not out drinking, smoking causing any trouble etc but we have drifted apart so much and she is not interested in doing anything with me at all, or even speaking to me! I also have a younger child, son who is 4 and she is just not interested in her brother at all, which also upsets me. I know it's 'normal' for teens to be difficult but I still feel really hurt and feel like its just me. I just want us to have that great bond again we had when she was younger. When do things start to get easier??

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/03/2021 18:29

Oh Christ, I have totally misread that and advised your mother on how to interact with your teenaged self.

MsTSwift · 20/03/2021 18:30

Sorry but you need to massively lower your expectations. Biologically they need to separate from us and they are naturally horribly self absorbed at this age. Can you find pockets of mutual interest? We got both girls (12 and 14) cats and I reckon about a third of our conversations focus on them. There are also some tv shows we watch together (schitts creek call my agent) that we all enjoy. So there is some connection before they vanish to FaceTime their friends on their bedrooms!

CovidCorvid · 20/03/2021 18:32

Another one here who thinks it’s fairly normal. I keep telling myself that a teenager should want to spend time with friends, etc rather than parents. That it’s a good sign that she’s independent, etc.

Then I see my friend who is so close to her Dd of a similar age and they spend all the time watching box sets together and I feel a bit jealous.

I do make an effort with Dd (pre lock down) for regular shopping trips with lunch out.....so yeah bit of bribery I guess. And if you can find a box set you both like then that would be a way of spending time together?

Fountainsoftea · 20/03/2021 18:32

My mum used to read mine and my friends ' palms at that age. Other than that, she did everything wrong

Janaih · 20/03/2021 18:33

Sounds very normal. Dont take it personally and pick your battles. Unfortunately you're a safe easy target for that teen angst/aloofness.
She will start to come back in a few years. It may get worse before it gets better though.

Thirtyrock39 · 20/03/2021 18:35

We have Saturday night as film night with our teenage daughter but otherwise dd is in her room . Ive trawled through a lot of 90s classics on Saturday nights resulting in a titanic obsession so dd just watches YouTube leonardo clips now !! Tonight it's dead poets society. I think very normal and part of growing up and getting their own identity - the difference when I was this age is I would be out with friends more (obvs can't with covid) and I didn't have a tv in my room so spent more time downstairs but only so I could watch telly !

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/03/2021 18:38

The hardest thing I find, is his complete lack of tolerance for DS2 (10) But this is totally normal too. He finds himself in a whole other developmental category now. He can't identify with his brother and doesn't find the activities they previously shared stimulating, plus his little brother has no idea what it's like to be a teenager. It might help if you gently suggest to DS that his little brother does still idolise him and miss spending time with him, so while you totally understand that he wants to hang out with his friends more these days, if he could just try not to show his irritation too much to DS2 then that would be kinder to him. If he manages to see it from DS2's point of view them maybe he may come up with "well......I suppose I don't mind building lego stuff with him, so I'll do that with him a bit more."

Emeraldshamrock · 20/03/2021 18:42

My DD isn't there yet. I am mortified when I think back my teenage years were awful. I was horrible to DM my hormones really affected my moods.
Thankfully we reconnected in my 20's and had the closest relationship.
Toddlers and teenagers need as much support it needs to be from a distance with teenagers.
She will most likely feel horrible guilt in a few years, I'd lay off the sad face, keep my distance, letting her know she is loved through little things.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/03/2021 18:47

Yes, and don't go on and on about how cute she was when she was little, reminiscing about the stuff that you used to do together. "don't you want to watch X with me? (Sad face) You always used to love watching that with me....."

In her head she feels like she is moved on from her younger self and tastes and she needs validation of the person she is NOW.

sammyjoanne · 20/03/2021 18:49

My 15 year old is the same. Comes back from school always in her room. I know it will pass eventually. She is a good person and not in the wrong crowd doing bad things, but understand she likes her own space. She mainly watches you tube videos like Sam and Colby, and chats to her school mates in group chat. With the extra added pressure of upcoming tests she has been spending more time studying too.
What with lockdown, and not much to do, we have been making an effort to do movie night once a week, and go out for walks at the weekend. Hopefully when DD1 returns back from uni next week she will be more sociable :)

Rosieandtwinkle · 20/03/2021 18:49

I would say it’s fairly normal.....I think I was 14/15 when I decided that I knew it all and my parents were just a huge embarrassment to me However by University I’d gone full circle and ultimately had a very close relationship with them. To the point that over the years my husband and I would regularly holiday and take trips away with them. She will come round again

gottakeeponmovin · 20/03/2021 18:50

Mine is the same. It's quite sad

Trampoline · 20/03/2021 18:50

A friend of mine who has two teen girls told me that they will disappear for a while, but they will come back. I live in hope!

Emeraldshamrock · 20/03/2021 18:52

Things will definitely turn around if you give her love with space. Hang in there, I'm fully expecting it from mine when the time comes, payback for my teenage years.

Darkbrownistheriver · 20/03/2021 18:54

My DD moved out of the family home into her bedroom when she was 13. She moved back in at 19 - having been away travelling for part of her gap year!

As PPs have said, it’s totally normal, BUT be careful. DD had some pretty bad MH problems for two or three years, and it took us a while to realise as we just assumed her withdrawal was normal for a teenager - she’s an only so we didn’t have anything to compare her with. I can’t say it was a good few years.

We got through it and she’s now away at uni and we have a brilliant relationship. She’s currently home for a while and it’s great to have her here.

Londoncatshed · 20/03/2021 18:55

If it helpS, I have a brother with a similar age gap. I was not at all interested in him, to the point I can hardly remember him being little. We are both adults now and couldn’t be closer.

It’s really hard when you miss them even thought they are right in front of you. Try not to push but keep asking how her day was. Honestly, it could be so much worse!

5128gap · 20/03/2021 18:58

I think it's like any relationship, if they sense the 'need' in you it scares them away.
You need to try and get away from the mind set of wanting something from her, her company, her attention, her interest in her brother, as even if you don't say it, she will sense it and it will feel like pressure.
Let her see you are fine without her attention and she is under no obligation to keep you company, but are there when she needs you.
Also, second the advice to let her interests lead the conversation.

MariaAngustias · 20/03/2021 19:04

As others have commented this is entirely normal. My daughter told me she hated me, I was the worst f*ing Mother in the world... etc, and this went on for a long time, she left school and lived on her own and even went so far as to ring my husband (who she had known a long time and had a good relationship with) to advise him to leave me as I was mental and he should get out whilst he could! Anyway, as horrific as it all was we now laugh about that with her, we could not be closer and ring or see each other every single day. She is in her 30's now and thinking of having kids - she said to me the other day 'I hope my kids are not as awful to me as I was to you '. :)

LyndaMcLynda · 20/03/2021 19:06

When I went through this stage, my mum started reading my diary and going through my room. She would then confront me with what she'd found out and give me the silent treatment while my brother was treated completely differently.

While I get on with her now, it totally ruined our relationship and I wouldn't confide in her 30 years later.

With my DD who is 15, she spends time in her room and when I walk past I'll drop in, plant a kiss on her head and leave her to it. Although she's in her room most of the time, she will come and sit with me while I'm making dinner and give me a debrief of her day and I love that time even though she's taking snapchat selfies while she's talking! I've learned from the way my own mum did it and I try my best to not judge and give her space, while letting her know I'm always there.

Mary46 · 20/03/2021 19:06

She 15 here. Hard work some days! Can be bit self absorbed. Adores her dog. Find girls hard work my son seemed bit easier at her age!! Some days she great

Umbivalent · 20/03/2021 19:08

Totally normal. My tip is to find a TV series that you both like. In the winter, Strictly draws me and my DC together on a Saturday night. We're currently watching a comedy series that we both like, and it's a real treat to watch a couple of episodes together.

babbaloushka · 20/03/2021 19:09

Mine came round at about 18/19 but 16-17 was absolute hell on earth, there were times when I didn't think both of us would make it out alive. Now she is just like she was at 9/10 but much more worldly, feels like ive got my little girl back. She'll be back to you eventually, the more support you show now the easier it'll be later.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2021 19:17

My dd is almost 13. I’ve had 3 major surgeries. She definitely struggled with empathy for me after the last surgery. The first 2 she was younger and far more concerned. Now she’s more interested in what I can do for her. And the blame that is spouted from her mouth is something else.

My friend is struggling with her dd. I’m grey rocking as much as possible. My mother was vile to me as I tried to break away as a teen and still says nasty things to me now. I’m not going to be that mother. Dd actually does talk to me about important stuff and listen to me. But I don’t punish her harshly.

buckingmad · 20/03/2021 19:21

She’ll come back around. I was exactly the same with my mum from probably 14-17 and my sister is currently that age and is the same. Now I ring mum every day, sometimes twice 😂

trickyex · 20/03/2021 19:26

I watch TV with my teens. Its a great way to have some time together while not being too intrusive. Series are the best, something to look forward to.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread