Teenage Daughter making me sad :(

[Aimee8709]

Just looking for a bit of support as my first born is now nearly 15 and I'm just really struggling with the way she is, don't get me wrong she is a good girl, she does really well in school and I know she's not out drinking, smoking causing any trouble etc but we have drifted apart so much and she is not interested in doing anything with me at all, or even speaking to me! I also have a younger child, son who is 4 and she is just not interested in her brother at all, which also upsets me. I know it's 'normal' for teens to be difficult but I still feel really hurt and feel like its just me. I just want us to have that great bond again we had when she was younger. When do things start to get easier??

I long to have my sweet fun cuddly kind caring happy little girl back. Instead I have a moody grumpy spotty rude thoughtless teenager.

Me too, and mine's only 13! I can't bear the thought of this for another 10 yrs! I'm holding out hope that she'll come back to me by late teens, it's the only way to get through each day....

Can you find a connection at all? DS1 who is 16, will cook (as long as it is sweet stuff), so I hover, give advice, nag to clear up....but we do it together. He takes stuff he has made round to my parents, as a "treat" so engages with them.

With DH he engages in DIY tips! They argue about stuff the whole time, but are engaging at the same time. They have a common goal.

With both of mine, I watch and re-watch stuff that I think they will like, DS1 is now watching things with DH that I think they will both like and can enjoy together.

The hardest thing I find, is his complete lack of tolerance for DS2 (10)

My gorgeous loving 11 year old is starting to distance a bit 😒. Then she is back to being my cuddly little girl again but I can feel the pull away beginning. Its so hard not to go chasing her back but she is lovely, kind and sensible and I know its normal and by pushing it I will drive the wedge faster and further but god I need to bite my tongue not to keep asking for all the chatter about every nuance of the day we used to have

Another thing to consider is that her brother was born when she was just 11. A newborn and toddler take up a lot of time. Perhaps there were many times when she wanted or needed you and was told to wait a minute whilst you feed/change the baby etc. It might not be the root of the problems now but perhaps she felt pushed out? I hope it gets better and you feel happier soon

Well it's how they are at this age. The first step in establishing their own life is rejecting any hint of dependency. The extent to which they do this varies from child to child.

I had 3 DDs - they come round eventually, and you will have a new relationship as adult to adult to treasure.

Enjoy the fact that she is not taking drugs, mugging old ladies or being a pain at school.

Ahhh thank you so much for your comments everyone, it's good to know I'm not alone. And with regards to how she is with her little bro, I just remember how she was when he was a baby and she absolutely doted on him and couldn't get enough of him, so it's just in comparison to how she basically totally ignores him now, it just makes me sad, but again, it is reassuring to know that it is quite normal. I'm an only child so I have no clue really about sibling bonds/behaviour!

It's heartbreaking. My dd is 15 and since she moved to the attic bedroom with an ensuite it's like having a lodger rather than a daughter. If I go to her room it's clear she doesn't want me there. She comes down for meals, where it's awkward silences and one word answers if I speak to her. DH tries his best to jolly her along. She's working hard for her GCSEs but other than that i have not much clue what she's got going on. Today I smiled at her as she passed me and she looked at me with utter contempt and said 'what do you want?'

I remember being this way with my mum and it breaks my heart to think about, to the point it makes me tear up, but then I remember that was a time in my life where everything was being fuelled by new hormones, new experiences and my brain was still developing. I wouldn't take any of it personally unless she is obviously aiming vitriol in your direction. Give her the space she needs, if she's grumpy, leave her alone but obviously let her know you're there if she needs you. She is still your little girl after all.

Totally normal, My DD was like tis, it went on to get a lot worse...but now we are friends, It will be OK. Its hard, so hard I thought I would die

I wonder if girls are a bit more hormonal/standoffish/dramatic? I have teen boys and while they do spend a lot of time on their computers chatting to friends, they are still interested in doing things with us and they're not terribly dramatic, although the younger one can be. We don't tolerate rudeness but we do let the odd bit of sulking/irritation/eye rolling go. Choose your battles so that when you DO pick them up for being rude, they know they've overstepped the mark (even if they have to come back later to admit it and apologise it).

The stuff we do together: planning a nice meal to eat together, or watching a box set of something. We have a cut off of 8.30 for them to come and spend some family time with us eg TV (although don't enforce this if, for example, there is a prior arrangement with friends to do a Fortnite tournament or an online competition). We actually all 3 enjoy Bakeoff and Gogglebox, which is great as DH isn't interested so he goes off and watch stuff that only he likes. And vice versa. All 4 of us enjoyed Space Force, Line of Duty and stuff like Have I got News for you and 10 out of 10 cats does Countdown or whatever it's called.

I don't know if it helps but I work with teenage boys and have learned to not take things personally. It's not THEM talking or sulking, it's just their teenaged sulky self desperately trying to discover who they are/find their place in the world. It's a scary place at the moment, they need to be with people who understand what it's like to be a teen in 2021 during uncertain COVID times, and that's other teens!

I absolutely enforce "no phones in bedroom when it's bedtime" so they put them on charge downstairs, and 10pm is bedtime on a school night so they never really get overtired and grumpy. I think tiredness is a lot of the problem with teenagers, it makes them so irritable and short-tempered.

What I DO miss is as they've got older is their excitement about a day out somewhere. We used to be out all over the place during school holidays when they were younger, and even before COVID they stopped being enthusiastic about it (unless it involved food ha ha). Sometimes I think they come for a walk with us now just as a favour to US.

It’s a normal developmental stage. Early 20’s you should have a decent relationship again, just in a very different way as adults.

I had a similar age gap with my stater and my relationship with my mum collapsed around this time. The narrative was that I was jealous of my sister.

The reality was my mum used me as a babysitter, I had absolutely no privacy and my sister was allowed to have complete access to everything I owned. I got home from school or college and my sister and her friends would’ve had my makeup out, been lying in my bed, had my jewellery out and written in my school books.

The relationship never really recovered and it’s still strained between my sister and me.

I don’t think for a minute this is the case here but all I’m saying is there is usually an underlying issue - talk to her honestly, make time for her, try to find a way in.

@MintyMabel

Have they both the same father?

Why the heck is this in any way relevant?

Very naive to think it’s not.

Honestly OP it's shit and I feel your pain but it is normal.

My DD was a total cow from 13 - 19. She is 23 now and still has her moments but back then I felt like she hated me and hated her brother. She acted like everything I did and said was stupid and embarrassing and I really missed my little girl. there is a theory that if your teens didn't go through this appalling stage, the pain of them leaving home would be intolerable. They are utter bastards so it's easier to wave them off

Try to keep the lines of communication open, don't let her get away with speaking to you like shit though. I had to focus on my career and friends during that time and sort of take a step back from her emotionally, awful though that sounds.

I still love the bones of her.

Think teenagers have a lot going on at that age. But just give her some time. I had a close relationship with my Mum after I was 18. It was brilliant we would do everything together. Im 30 now and I ring her everyday shes my best friend. Hold it out. Remember my Mum would be calling me down to watch a T.V. show with her, go places with her like town snd she would buy me things in my teens it meant a lot we had similar interests and eating choices do was good. But I would go upstairs in my room and be interested in makeup and clothes and talking to boys its that age when all that means a lot.

Today I smiled at her as she passed me and she looked at me with utter contempt and said 'what do you want?

Mine sometimes looks right through me.

We’ve had 4. 3 boys and 1 girl. The 3 boys were much more laid back and open.

Mine returned at 18ish. My mantra was it is "hormones & she loves me really"

- sound familiar?

It's definitely a 'normal' thing for teenagers - maybe it's an evolutionary thing that kicks in to make offspring push away from parents? I remember being awful for a few years, but get along fine with my mum now. It's lucky her love is unconditional as I'm not sure I would want a close relationship with someone who had treated me the way I treated her!

I was told (by grandparents) that life goes like this:

At 7 - you know that your parents know EVERYTHING. They are amazing.
At 14 - you know that your parents know NOTHING. They are ridiculous.
At 21 - you are AMAZED at how much your parents have learnt in 7 short years. It is ridiculous how amazing they are.
:)

Today I smiled at her as she passed me and she looked at me with utter contempt and said 'what do you want?' sad

Then you keep your expression neutral or still with a bit of a smile, shrug and just say "I was just smiling at my lovely daughter" and give her a pat on my arm as you walk past. You're showing the love and that will not go unnoticed by her. Teenagers are a funny bunch. They really need to FEEL loved, but they never like showing that they need it.

It’s really hard but I also think they should be told if they have spoken badly to you. I know it can be Pointless to tell them off my DD is 14 but I will pull her up on the over sullen “what do you want” type comment.
I just tell her she might not want to engage with me that’s fine but I don’t expect to spoken to like shit.
Then I move on and if/when I get an opening like an offer to watch a film or whatever I give her my full attention. Maybe when things allow you could take her out for a meal just together or shopping.
My DD will do the odd outing like that or go to a cat cafe or cinema.
You aren’t alone though and we have good and bad days, sometimes I barely get two words and others I get a hug and a chat about school it’s just pot luck!

That’s true
They do need love ❤️
But pretend they don’t
My son likes me being at home when he comes back
Totally 💯 ignores me
But reacts when I say he needs a key
Good it’s a vile age !!

I wouldn't expect a 15 year old to want to hang out with her DM or very much younger brother. She sounds completely normal. You're not her friend. You're her parent

She used go take me out for dinner and I would sit in the car with headphones in on the way there..

Have you asked if she wants you to play her music through the car speakers? It may not be to your taste, but it probably helps to listen to what she's into, and you might even find you like some of it. If you start asking questions like "who sings this one/what genre of music is this classed as?" or even "isn't she going out with.....?" then you'll open a dialogue. It has to feel genuine though, I think. You have to want to have a genuine interest in getting to know her tastes rather than doing it because you think you should.