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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend stood me up but says it's my fault. Is it?

313 replies

Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 09:47

Hi
My friend and I go through periods where we go for a walk in the morning ( 5.30am)

We just started up again- went once and then made plans to do it again the next day. We agreed via text that we wouldn't go if it was pouring with rain.

Next morning, I got up ( 10 mins before the meet time) get dressed and go to her house and wait outside. She lives very close. All lights are off, no movement. I wait. I didn't want to knock due to the time.
I'm not in the habit of bringing my phone with me, so I finally go home and pick up my phone.

She had WhatsApp d me before 5 to see if I was up. I turn my phone wifi off at night, and didnt check it before I went to meet her.
I then replied that i hadn't been up then,but i did go to meet her.
She replied with laughing emojis and said she went back to bed 5 mins before we were to meet.
I pointed out that she went back to bed 5 mins before our meeting time.

She then said that I should have replied to her text. The one asking if I was up ( sent 40 mins before our meeting time)

As the message was sent via WhatsApp, she could see that the message wasn't received on my end ( wifi off).
And she did not ever say that she was cancelling.

So
YABU - me not receiving a message is a clear indication I wasn't going to show

YANBU - she stood me up and is trying to blame me.

If it matters, she has cancelled at short notice/ slept through about 3 of the last 5 times.
I've slept through once.
I do understand that she may not have slept well, and decided not to get up. My beef is that she never ever cancelled. Messaging ' are you up?' At 4.50 am is not the same as saying that she changed her mind.

OP posts:
Lalliella · 20/03/2021 11:11

YABU. I imagine what happened is your friend woke up, thought “I can’t be arsed” and messaged you in the hope that you’d slept through. When she didn’t get a reply she probably was relieved and went back to bed. You should’ve replied. I think you should knock 5.30 on the head, it’s not working out. Is it even light then??

Lacucuracha · 20/03/2021 11:13

@DavidsSchitt

"Do you not think it's a bit disgusting to bring a recently murdered woman into a pathetic discussion about who didn't text who?

Sarah is not a card to be played to win a ridiculous argument."

Indeed. But @Lacucuracha will use anything she can just to cause a row and stir the pot. Every other thread and she's screaming "bully" and sensible logic goes straight out of the window.

Actually the Sarah Everard reference was in response to a pp who referred to it by saying ‘ well unless you live with your head buried in the sand’, it’s dangerous for women etc.

But don’t let the truth get in the way of your fun.

Anyway, if you’re done tagging me, I’m off out.

RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 11:14

@thecatandthevicar

But who leaves the house to meet someone without taking their phone? Confused

lots of us, we are not all glued to our phone at all time.

Really? You would honestly make plans with a friend and set off without looking to check it's still on or taking your phone in case something happens?

I'm meeting a friend today at 12. If he wasn't there as he didn't have his phone id think he was ridiculous.

Dasher789 · 20/03/2021 11:14

Laugh it off. I think YABU but to me it is so not a big deal, I'm vexed to say anyone is BU.

The girl has missed 3/5 walks due to sleeping in so its not like a long running walk with a high attendance commitment. I think you are more invested in actually taking some exersize so maybe you should say that you will be taking a walk at 530, if she is up then brilliant, you have a buddy but if not, you will go yourself.

SoupDragon · 20/03/2021 11:15

And why on gods green earth WOULD I be up at 4.50?

But you also didn't appear to be up at 5:25 as you didn't reply.

RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 11:15

@lacucuracha

You haven't answered my question. Do you not think it's a bit disgusting to bring Sarah into a ridiculous argument about a 530 am walk as a trump card?

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 11:16

@RootyT00t
Someone who forgot to grab it!!!
She lives only a few houses away.

And ( to pp) I didn't knock because there are other people who live at her house.

But you know, this has made me think....

I would normally be able to brush this off as a misunderstanding/ poor communication, which it is.
My phone habits are different to here- she does tend to switch on,/ be connected to her phone much more than I do.

There have been other issues, and actually, I think those are the issues that have made me prickly.

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 11:16

@SoupDragon

*And why on gods green earth WOULD I be up at 4.50?*

But you also didn't appear to be up at 5:25 as you didn't reply.

She was but she didn't look at her phone and just set off regardless 🙄
applestrudels · 20/03/2021 11:16

I don’t necessarily think either of you are at fault. Her slightly more so than you, because you’d left it that you would meet and neither of you cancelled, but I can see why she assumed it was off. I’d just chalk it up to a communication failure and don’t stress about it.

TrialOfStyle · 20/03/2021 11:17

She clearly messaged you earlier so you had time to read the message before leaving. You said she only went back to bed 5 mins before meeting, so I’m guessing she sent it early, was expecting some form of response, didn’t get one and decided she may as well go back to bed.

I think you are wrong in this scenario. It takes half a second to turn WiFi back on the phone to just check.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 20/03/2021 11:17

Are you 95 years old or from the 12th century? If not, this is batshit. The whole point of having a phone is to make communication EASIER. I put my iPhone on nighttime mode so I don’t get disturbed. In her situation I wouldn’t have shown up either, because I literally don’t know a single human who would get up and go out for a meet up without checking their phone.

RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 11:18

Yes, she clearly sent it when she was up for whatever reason and with no response 5 minutes before she was due to meet, having waited about , she went back to bed
No wonder she laughed at you chinning her.

MrsTophamHat · 20/03/2021 11:19

I don't understand why you're turning wifi off rather than just using Do Not Disturb. You could then check your messages when you wake up without being notified.

I think you were both unreasonable.

She shouldn't have been changing plans at 5.00am when you have set such an early alarm for that purpose.

You should have checked your phone before leaving the house just in case.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 20/03/2021 11:19

You are 100% at fault in this—she follows standard texting protocol, you expect her to be a mind reader. If I were her I would be pissed off at you, as you basically stood her up.

(A) should have responded in the morning to her text
(B) should have had your phone with you so you could have messaged that you were outside

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 20/03/2021 11:20

Do you WANT to set others up to fail? Why is your lack of admin her fault

isitjustlockdown · 20/03/2021 11:21

If I WhatsApp'd someone in the morning to ask if they were awake, and the message showed as not delivered, I would assume they are not up and haven't turned their phone on.

You said she waited until 5 minutes before meeting time before going back to bed, so she waited for about 35 minutes to see if the message delivered. After that long it's probably safe to assume that the person is still asleep and hasn't turned their phone on yet.

It is very strange not to check your phone before heading out to meet someone, it's one of the benefits of modern communication.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ElderMillennial · 20/03/2021 11:23

I don't think it's that weird for OP not to take her phone. Friend lives close by and it's a local walk. I don't think a phone is needed.

But I do think it's weird to have not checked it before going out.

Then again, if Op got up five mins before due to meet, messaged friend back saying "I'm up now". Then what? Would she have to wait for a reply before setting off? I suppose in that case you would take your phone but friend has complicated things. Plan was to meet so she should either have been there or if she had a reason to cancel she should have texted OP, who should have checked her phone. As it happened OP wouldn't have known anyway as she didn't check her phone.

DavidsSchitt · 20/03/2021 11:24

"Actually the Sarah Everard reference was in response to a pp who referred to it by saying ‘ well unless you live with your head buried in the sand’, it’s dangerous for women etc.

But don’t let the truth get in the way of your fun.

Anyway, if you’re done tagging me, I’m off out."

The "truth" is that you used Sarah as a reference to try and win an argument. You'd start a row in an empty room and seem to get off on it, calling people bullies and trying to prove people wrong on every thread. It's more than a bit sad.

Lentillover1900 · 20/03/2021 11:24

All so strange

  1. Sleeping through. Both of you have done it. Seriously - sleeping through an alarm?
  1. Good friends presumably. And yet derailed by this. And the way you’ve communicated with one another is not what I see as in the spirit of friendship. Or at least my friendships!
fishonabicycle · 20/03/2021 11:25

I would definitely have checked my phone when I got up - so you are being unreasonable. Sorry 😉

RootyT00t · 20/03/2021 11:25

@ElderMillennial

I don't think it's that weird for OP not to take her phone. Friend lives close by and it's a local walk. I don't think a phone is needed.

But I do think it's weird to have not checked it before going out.

Then again, if Op got up five mins before due to meet, messaged friend back saying "I'm up now". Then what? Would she have to wait for a reply before setting off? I suppose in that case you would take your phone but friend has complicated things. Plan was to meet so she should either have been there or if she had a reason to cancel she should have texted OP, who should have checked her phone. As it happened OP wouldn't have known anyway as she didn't check her phone.

But given four out of five walks have failed, I'd say taking it is quite sensible.n
BehindMyEyes · 20/03/2021 11:25

@Awrite

I think it's sensible to check your phone for messages prior to meeting someone.

In every case.

This a million times over . Why would you go walking at that time without a phone ?😬 Not sensible either !
FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 20/03/2021 11:25

It's kind of a moot point because even if she had messaged you to cancel, you wouldn't have seen it anyway

lothermand · 20/03/2021 11:25

Cannot believe the majority of this thread, feels the need to check a scheduled meeting arranged 24hrs priorHmm

Seriously you ALL check your phones before any ARRANGED meeting?? Wtf?? You must all have very unreliable people in your life is all I can sayConfused

There was a time (and it really wasn't THAT long ago) there weren't any phones (to KEEP on checking) when you arranged something, you kept to it..

Flakey people...

OP, in the grand scheme of things, it's not important..and if you want to walk at 5.30am, that's entirely YOUR prerogative, not those horrified on this thread🤦🏼‍♀️

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