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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult children babies

162 replies

Rno3gfr · 20/03/2021 00:32

To have just had enough of Mumsnet in general talking about people in their early 20s as dependent, incapable, children?

OP posts:

vodkaredbullgirl · 20/03/2021 00:34

Quit4me · 20/03/2021 00:35

Which people on MN OP? Can you be more specific?

NiceGerbil · 20/03/2021 00:37

Have you raised it on the threads where it was said?

I've seen threads where a large majority have been in favour of throwing out 16 yo.

So it goes both ways I'd think.

DramaAlpaca · 20/03/2021 00:38

Do you have adult children yourself, OP?

vodkaredbullgirl · 20/03/2021 00:39

new person or name change??????

aprilanne · 20/03/2021 01:12

Well honestly I will help my children no matter there age and young folk in there 20s dont have the same opportunity to housing and things as there parents .nothing wrong with a bit of help .

yoyo1234 · 20/03/2021 01:15

I agree with "Well honestly I will help my children no matter there age and young folk in there 20s dont have the same opportunity to housing and things as there parents .nothing wrong with a bit of help ."

Notashandyta · 20/03/2021 01:16

Brains are not fully developed until mid twenties, nor do they have much life experience.

I will guide and support my children through their twenties and beyond.

Strangekindofwoman · 20/03/2021 01:17

Can you be more specific?

Shnuffles · 20/03/2021 02:07

Yes, I've seen that kind of thing on MN, OP.

I have no problem with parents supporting their adult children, including letting them live at home for as long as they like. It's none of my business.

However, it does seem that a lot of people (not just on MN) infantilise adults in their early 20s. I don't think it does them any favours, tbh. Not that many generations ago, people that age were considered mature adults, frequently with responsible jobs and children of their own.

Shnuffles · 20/03/2021 02:13

I should add that of course there are still some who have steady jobs, marriages/serious relationships, and children in the early 20s. It was much more the norm in the not-so-distant past, though.

And obviously that's not for the best for many. Most people are probably better off waiting a little longer to settle and have children.

My point is that it's funny how people of those previous generations were mature enough (and possessed of brains developed enough) to allow them to behave like a 30-year-old might, today, and yet some people seem to think that a modern 22-year-old is scarcely more "adult" than a hormonal, scatter-brained teen.

NormanStangerson · 20/03/2021 04:19

I sort of understand you OP. I tried to have a relationship with one of these man infants and he deferred to mummy constantly. At 26. It was bleak how involved she was in his and almost our, lives.

CreosoteQueen · 20/03/2021 05:06

I have much more of an issue with the posters who recommend parents kick out their teenagers (sometimes before they are even adults).

MindyStClaire · 20/03/2021 05:16

I think the opposite. I'm late 30s and it was the norm among my friends that our parents supported us through university and allowed us to live at home for a couple of years afterwards (I didn't as I moved away, but most did). No adult babies now.

On here it seems that the second kids hit 16 they lose all need or right to parental support.

Postprandial · 20/03/2021 05:34

Agree with you, OP. And I think it’s spectacularly weird that the holy grail of home ownership now seems to act as an unquestioned alibi for a lengthy extension of adolescence.

beelzeboob · 20/03/2021 06:01

It’s unclear in what context you mean but I can assume you mean people living with their parents for a long time?
Living costs are astronomical for young people in the south east, I couldn’t move out until I met my partner when I was 26

Fucket · 20/03/2021 06:04

Historically weren’t you supposed to be 21 before you got full independence from your parents. Maybe that should be the unofficial cut off point? Basically you get 3 years post education to figure out your journey in life or at least get into paid employment.

FluffyHippo · 20/03/2021 06:18

Brains are not fully developed until mid twenties, nor do they have much life experience.

I think that's exactly what the OP's talking about...

Morgan12 · 20/03/2021 06:45

Awk fuck off.

My kids are my kids regardless of age.

redtshirt50 · 20/03/2021 06:53

I don't think OP is saying you shouldn't support your children once they turn 20 - of course you should. I think she's more saying that you shouldn't treat them like a baby.

I agree with the OP, saying things like 'they don't have much life experience' babies them and is often used as an excuse for often terrible behavior.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 20/03/2021 06:54

Well, everyone has there own circumstances, and to discuss things in general is not to judge individuals. But this is a discussion site and, if people did not have opinions (what some would term ‘judge’), AIBU would be tumbleweed.

I do think that there is an unhealthy co-dependency culture developing between parents and their young adult children. If you can afford to help out financially, give a lump sum and cut them free. That seems so much better than keeping them in your house or coming back to the well again and again.

And as for this brain thing, it is just an excuse to encourage this co-dependency. In most societies, and ours until about 100 years or so, most in their early 20s would have been married with children of their own.

Sleepyblueocean · 20/03/2021 07:00

If you think parents in the past didn't try to control what their children in their early twenties did, you are mistaken. My mum who is in her 70's could give you some stories.

user1487194234 · 20/03/2021 07:09

I will support mine for the rest of my life but I don’t try and control them and NEVER interfere in their lives/decisions

EggscellentEggplant · 20/03/2021 07:18

I think its because there is a general expectation these days that every 18 year old should go to uni (my high school certainly really pushed this). In which case they can't really start saving or looking for a serious job (which may take ages to find because they are looking for something to do with their degree) until at least 21. I didn't go to uni, moved out to rent at 18 when I had my 'proper' full time job and I bought my first house at 22. I felt I was alot more grown up and savvy that way than my friends that all messed around in the uni environment getting drunk and stayed years behind me in terms of life stages.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 20/03/2021 07:18

Well, I have a 30 year old step daughter with children of her own who still hasn’t figured out how to pay her bills or budget.

We were helping her do some work on her house and her dad took her to the shops. She asked if she need to bring anything and I said her ours. Her dad said her purse. They got to the check out and she said she hadn’t brought her purse as she couldn’t afford it. Her dad made her put it back on the shelves and left.

Later that day, she pulled her brother aside and asked why her dad didn’t buy her stuff anymore. Her (younger) brother pointed out that she was of an age that she is expected to provide for herself and her own family. 😯. I’m still mot sure that has sunk in to her yet.

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