To be fed up of people keep telling me my sons are too old to live at home

[Fedup333336]

They are 25 and 27. Both work full time and pay their way.

It sounds like you started work straight out of school which is fine but it's one career path/life path.

Why is there this obsession in U.K. with buying your own flat/house? Your 20s are for living (Covid permitting), sharing houses or flats with friends, then living on your own. Not staying at home with parents, busily saving for something you might never be able to afford.

I didn’t leave home until I was 25. My parents said, don’t pay someone else’s mortgage or line someone else’s pockets by renting. My situation was that I was often away for two or three days at a time so was in hotels and when I was gone I’d often slink off to bed as I was working through the night. Then I’d be out with friends, so I was no bother. Didn’t stop my dm balling her eyes out when I moved out. Best move ever as I made loads of money on my little semi.

I think it depends. There's nothing wrong with living with parents to save a deposit etc but I do find it a bit strange when people sort of 'settle' into it with no intention of moving out.
I lived with my parents whilst me and DP saved for a deposit for 2 years after uni, and it was lovely but it's much nicer now we have moved out (and we went to a rented house first before we bought).

They seem very sensible. It's very common in London.

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@Mamanyt a list of reasons why it's not the same for the OP's sons as it is for you

• not on the same career path at the same age
• no well paid jobs available in their skill set
• no opportunity to work overtime
• nobody to get a joint mortgage with
• live in an area more expensive than you that requires a bigger deposit
• different mortgage terms that require a bigger deposit
• no means to study and do a 39 hour a week job

You haven't said how long ago you bought your house? How much did you need to save for a deposit? Did you get financial help? All these factors are at play and I'm a bit surprised that someone thats come so far in life needs to be told that different people have different experiences[/quote]
I think you must have been answering someone else. I said nothing about career paths, overtime or anything else, merely that I had one who was at home for an extended time, as well, but that like hers, he did pay his own way, and helped keep the house in order, as well.

My DS saved for a deposit by coming back home after uni. Bought his house and moved out at 25.

DD here doing the same, she had her deposit now but absolutely zero houses in any decent condition or safe area are coming up for sale in her city, so now she’s thinking of renting a tiny flat there, so she can still save, although not as much, admittedly whilst she house hunts but can be back near her friends, work and life. She’s 24.

My folks made it very clear that post-uni you had a year’s grace to get on your feet then it was time to clear off! They wanted their own space, which I totally understand now. They’ve helped as much as they can.

I think those who get on well with their kids and are happy living together are lucky tbh, so long as it isn't still a 'parent running round after child' dynamic.

I don’t understand such comments either OP. In this day and age how else are they meant to be able to gather a deposit AND have enough earning capacity to service a loan for a place in a semi-decent area where work is. No point being able to afford a deposit for somewhere out in the sticks and then not being able to get work there to service the loan.

Kids need to stay at home these days to gather the deposit and get enough foot holds up the career ladder to make the loan doable. At present this seems to be 30 odd especially for people who are tied to major centres as the only source of job opportunities, different for trades etc that can get work in most locations.

It’s very different to when I was young and you moved out, rented and could still save for a deposit and be able to service the loan. It’s like a different planet now.

@MadMadMadamMim

If both you and they are happy, there doesn't seem to be a problem. Who are the people who keep telling you this? If they are happy enough to say to your face, Your sons are too old to live at home I'd have thought Fuck off and mind your own business was fairly acceptable as a response.

Mind you, I've got DDs roughly that age and neither of them would date a bloke who still lived with his mum.

Your post is contradictory then. I can see from a dating POV at 27. However if you lived in London I would understand if you lived in the North I would wonder how long you have been saving for a deposit.

You are right. Have confidence.

It's great that they can save money towards a place - and nice for you all to enjoy family time.

If we have more lockdowns - more variants - over the next few years, every so often, you will be one household and able to see each other easily.

There is more help with household chores. It's probably better for the planet.

I'm pleased for you that you've got that nice arrangement.

It will be the new norm in 6 months.
Saw a thread yesterday about ads for new jobs, with salaries advertised being well down on same job salaries advertised last year.

My 36yo BIL still lives at home. He pays a token rent but in essence he's comfortable and looked after. No desire to move out either. It may become a problem now MIL is older. FIL has already died and DH is worried about how we'd afford a home for MIL if she needed it, he'd have to kick his brother out to sell her house. Not an easy situation for the rest of the family.

YANBU. I hope DS does this, rather than move out at 17 and not being able to save anything because rent and bills are too expensive like I did.

I don't see why moving out and renting is some kind of badge of honour if it leaves you unable to save any money.

@Blyatiful

Why is there this obsession in U.K. with buying your own flat/house? Your 20s are for living (Covid permitting), sharing houses or flats with friends, then living on your own. Not staying at home with parents, busily saving for something you might never be able to afford.

I did that and it was shit as I had no spare money to do anything. Then DS came along and I had no financial safety net.

Rents are stupidly expensive these days, much more than a mortgage costs depending on area. Rents where I live are around £550-£650pm for a 2 bed property, my mortgage is £300pm.

This thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4196737-Has-anyone-else-noticed-the-shockingly-bad-paid-positions-at-the-moment?watched=1&msgid=105726102#105726102

I think its great!
If it works for you then who cares-people are probably jealous you have such a good relationship with your sons and have an arrangement that suits so well. Lots of families I know live like this here in large homes with separate areas-families support their parents/kids..property starts at about $400k here if you can even find it-so you need a hand where you can get it. When my teens are the same age, and if they're saving for homes of their own Ill be supporting them in the same way.

It's a strange British thing. I no longer live in the UK. Here children don't move out until they marry and that's perfectly normal. The bigger issue is why people are commenting on other people's arrangements and also why you are letting it bother you ?

It is a smart move if they want to buy houses, probably less appealing in terms of dating and having some independence.

I don't think others should comment on yours/their life choices. It is none of their business.

I think by thirty most men should be out of the family nest, and certainly by mid thirties or they may never actually go and that isn't good for anyone.

@Fedup333336

They are 25 and 27. Both work full time and pay their way.

Last laugh will be in them when your sons have deposits for properties and theirs don’t!

@Blyatiful

Why is there this obsession in U.K. with buying your own flat/house? Your 20s are for living (Covid permitting), sharing houses or flats with friends, then living on your own. Not staying at home with parents, busily saving for something you might never be able to afford.

Exactly. I wouldn't trade my house sharing experiences in my twenties for staying at home! Its how I met my husband, made friends and contacts for life and had loads of fun!

And of course when these adults do eventually emerge, it's not a one or two bedroom flat that might need a bit of work they want as their FTB, no, they want a family sized house, invariably a new build on some soulless estate.

My brother is 30 and just “bought” a house with my parents - he has no intention of ever living on his own. He’s got it way too cushy at home, pays minimal rent, no bills, doesn’t have to clean, can work part time, doesn’t drive. He has no ambition, is the laziest person I know (unless it suits him) and has no interest in a relationship.

I think it’s a bloody sad existence, and my mum happily enables it as dad won’t be here forever and she loves having him at home.

That said, I think living at home to save for your own place is fine - very common and will become more so in the coming years.

IMO it was only an odd thing when house prices were much more affordable. And for some of us older ones, there was a generation gap that just doesn’t exist now, or rarely does.

Unless they have financial help, I don’t see how most young people, especially in more expensive areas, can ever save enough to buy a property, not when the rent they have to pay can be as much as the mortgage on a small property.

As long as they are working and saving, and paying something at home - and you all get on reasonably well - I can’t for the life of me see what’s wrong with it.

@Bythemillpond

I don’t want mine to ever leave.

That's how I feel although that could change!

Eldesr has been ill so is still at the apprenticeship stage rather than out & earning.

If that makes him not worth dating for some-good, they've filtered themselves out & saved him the bother!