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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be fed up of people keep telling me my sons are too old to live at home

390 replies

Fedup333336 · 19/03/2021 20:43

They are 25 and 27. Both work full time and pay their way.

OP posts:
YoYoYumYum · 20/03/2021 07:18

My XSIL is 55 and still lives at home with her mum. She never moved out. She's been single as long as I've known her since 1998.

Her cousins still live with their dad. They are 48 and 50. Single as well.

I think it's weird but all 3 are lovely people and seem normal.

Another of her cousin's is 45 and still lives with her parents but she's getting married so I assume she'll move out!

ivfbeenbusy · 20/03/2021 07:20

It depends on whether you are still mothering them? Do you cook and clean and iron? Pick up after them? They are not learning any financial independence or about responsibilities of having/running their own home or looking after themselves.

I pity their future wives.

(I should know as My DH lived at home with parents until he was 30)

glastonburyfever · 20/03/2021 07:22

My sister stayed at home until early 30s as was saving for a house deposit and bought alone. If it's a woman staying at home no one seems to say much but if it's a guy it's a different story which isn't fair. I have 2 sons and they are very welcome to stay as long as they like and save lots etc

Itsalonghaul · 20/03/2021 07:29

Yes Ivbeenbusy is spot on. If you are still mothering them, this is not great at all and you will be doing more harm than good. If they are living fully independently washing their own clothes, making dinner, cleaning, paying the bills then I think it is fine too.

Of course they are never going to leave whilst they have their own servant/cleaner/chef and fixer living with you if you are still mothering them. My husband's first marriage failed for this reason, he was incapable of looking after himself.

SquareOnTheHypoteneuse · 20/03/2021 07:31

It’s sensible.

DS1 lived with us until he was 31 and he and GF had saved for a house deposit.
DS2 is currently at uni but still lives with us when not there. He too will probably stay until he has enough money for a deposit.

It no one else’s business and no one else’s opinion matters.

LadyWithLapdog · 20/03/2021 07:33

It’s nobody’s business, OP.

My son wasn’t very pleasant in his last couple of years before uni. He came back during lockdown. He’d done some growing up and it was nice to reestablish a better relationship. I can now contemplate him staying longer term after uni and sod anyone else.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 20/03/2021 07:33

@married15

Oh gosh you properly don’t understand I bought our first house 7 years ago, I Am under 32. I worked so hard and worked so much overtime. And I have said how long ago I bought my house. And for all you people who say it’s not possible with adults these days, I just worked 65 hours a week. Hardly ate meat or dairy and sucked it up
You actually didn't say how long ago you'd bought, until that very post.

And good for you but not everyone has the means, or the ability to work 65 hours a week.

If someone said to afford a property you could

  • move out at 18, rent for 9 years and work 65 hours a week living off bread and gruel, then find another person to buy a property with, or
  • live happily at your parents' in that time, leading a normal life where you didn't have to burn yourself out or starve yourself to death, and have exactly the same thing on your own

You'd expect everyone to choose the former lest they be 'a child'.

I've already said not everyone can work overtime. I'm a teacher, overtime doesn't exist

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 20/03/2021 07:33

@Mamanyt yes sorry I did tag the wrong person Blush

Soontobe60 · 20/03/2021 07:34

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Mine’s 27 and at home. Hoarding all his earnings to buy a house.

How else are they supposed to get on the property ladder?

I gave my DDs enough for a deposit on a small house... otherwise we would have killed each other 🤣🤣🤣
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 20/03/2021 07:36

@married15

It has been a bit miserable and I don’t think that everyone should have to do that at all. But I do think it’s character building and makes you more determined. So if you want something:..work for it (if you can)
Not everyone wants to martyr themselves into buying a property. Some people choose not to do things the hard way when there's an easy way. You didn't do it better than anyone.

As an aside I got a mortgage at 21 after working 3 jobs through Uni to save and securing a decent full time job after I left. Did it on my own as well. Imagine if I rubbed it in your face that I mortgaged better than you did. You'd call me pathetic, and rightly so

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/03/2021 07:39

Nothing at all wrong with it, sensible and they will be in a much better position if they can get on the property ladder.

Next time just comment that they are obviously happy and in no rush to leave and get away from their parents.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 20/03/2021 07:39

But I had the virtue of buying when it was MUCH easier to buy, jobs were ten a penny and I lived in a place where housing was reasonably priced. My property was £65k so I only had to our £6.5k deposit down. These days people are looking at £40k deposits. But I don't say "Ee by gum I were buying me first property at 21 I had to work 3 jobs so if you want it just do t' same otherwise yer a spoilt bastard"

MrsTophamHat · 20/03/2021 07:45

I would be concerned that if my children living at home with us at that age they would be limiting their attractiveness and opportunity to meet partners who are more successful.

In my 20s when I lived alone, I was dating loads. Men would pick me up, drop me off, I could invite one in if I wanted to. My husband stayed over after our second date! I wouldn't have dreamed of doing that if I lived with my parents. I moved back in with them for a couple of months following a break up and, lovely as they are, I was too old and independent to live like that any more. You only get one go at life.

My husband and I both were renting when we met, then we moved in together to the cheaper house, and channelled all the saved living costs (£700pcm) into a savings account until we'd saved £15k to buy the house we live in now.

Beautiful3 · 20/03/2021 07:48

I would do the same for mine, I'd rather they saved up for a deposit rather than spending their wages on rent. Getting on the property ladder can be hard, without support.

ivfbeenbusy · 20/03/2021 07:56

So the mothers who do have sons at home in their late 20s (and older)......do you run around after them, cook, clean, pick up etc???? No one seems to want to answer that yet???

You realise many of these sons will be the ones being moaned about in 10 years time on MN by their partners/wives/girlfriends for being man child's who traded one mother for another with the wedding ring 🤣

Nitgel · 20/03/2021 08:00

@ivfbeenbusy

So the mothers who do have sons at home in their late 20s (and older)......do you run around after them, cook, clean, pick up etc???? No one seems to want to answer that yet???

You realise many of these sons will be the ones being moaned about in 10 years time on MN by their partners/wives/girlfriends for being man child's who traded one mother for another with the wedding ring 🤣

No
Erkrie · 20/03/2021 08:00

My DC can stay at forever if they want. I don't mind. As long as they clean up after themselves. If someone didn't want want to date my ds's because they were still at home, (because let's face it, that is aimed at the males isn't it) then I would consider ds's lucky to have swerved such a shallow vacuous person.

Erkrie · 20/03/2021 08:03

So the mothers who do have sons at home in their late 20s (and older)......do you run around after them, cook, clean, pick up etc???? No one seems to want to answer that yet??

Eh? I expect my tweens and teens to do much of those things for themselves now. That's hardly going to change when they're older is it...

Same4Walls · 20/03/2021 08:03

So the mothers who do have sons at home in their late 20s (and older)......do you run around after them, cook, clean, pick up etc???? No one seems to want to answer that yet???

Why would this be the default assumption. As another poster rightly pointed out just because the 20 something year old isn't living at home it doesn't mean their mum isn't doing their laundry and shopping. Also does this apply to women living at home? Is it acceptable to do their laundry and cook for them just because they are not s man or does that make them a women child?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/03/2021 08:05

There’s a great difference IMO between a man who still lives at home in order to save, but is otherwise grown up, and a Mummy’s boy who still relies on her for cooking, shopping and laundry, the same as he did at 7 or 8.

But in that case, TBH, I’d put the entire blame on the mummy for enabling it.

Adult ‘babies’ are only ever like that because of their parents.

GreenlandTheMovie · 20/03/2021 08:07

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

But I had the virtue of buying when it was MUCH easier to buy, jobs were ten a penny and I lived in a place where housing was reasonably priced. My property was £65k so I only had to our £6.5k deposit down. These days people are looking at £40k deposits. But I don't say "Ee by gum I were buying me first property at 21 I had to work 3 jobs so if you want it just do t' same otherwise yer a spoilt bastard"
You did actually accuse a pp of needing a husband to get a mortgage and then you told her to "go to bed". Why the need for the constant ad homonem attacks?

FWIW I live in a part of the country where FTBs are very affordable (no, don't demand I identify it and myself on the internet as you did with the OP), yet for some reason young men and women tend to be reluctant to leave home until they are in a relationship and can buy a family style prooerty. I've met so many spoilt brats up here and yes I do notice a difference from when I lived in a different European country regarding how much people in their late teens/twenties can do for themselves.

It's so limiting in terms of job opportunities to stay at home too. For my graduate job, I had to move to another, bigger city to get the best opportunities. If I'd stayed at home and commuted into the nearest city, that would have been a 1 hour 15 minute daily commute.

My FTB, not that long ago, was a rundown small flat which I decorated and did DIY on myself. There is nothing wrong with that. And I would never, ever date a man who still lived with mummy and daddy in his thirties. No matter how much money he had saved.

I do also find that a lot of people complaining about affordability, when you do a search on their area, you find affordable one bedroom properties which are in unfashionable areas and needing redecoration. But so many people want family sized shiny new builds as their FTB. There was a newspaper article recently depicting a couple in their twenties, one of them worked part time, pictured standing outside a 300k 4 bedroom detached new build with sad faces, bemoaning the fact that they couldn't afford it and therefore couldn't move out of their parents' home. I kniw for a fact that there's a one bedroom period flat with large rooms for sale there for 75k. 2 bedroom flats for 90k plus. 3 bedroom semis on older estates for 120k upwards. So unless the parents are conveniently located in London, or Surrey or Berkshire or similar, there often are more affordable choices than people lije to make out. There's a lovely one bedroom period flat for sale with an over 900 year lease in Ryde right now for 90k of anyone'interested..

May17th · 20/03/2021 08:09

@Erkrie

My DC can stay at forever if they want. I don't mind. As long as they clean up after themselves. If someone didn't want want to date my ds's because they were still at home, (because let's face it, that is aimed at the males isn't it) then I would consider ds's lucky to have swerved such a shallow vacuous person.
This isn’t really normal. I know of friends friends that live at home. 2 women one is childless and the other has 2 kids. I mean you may not mind.... but another person mentioned things along the lines of experiences and this could potentially affect your future relationships and I agree. I don’t think that means someone is shallow we all have our preferences unless you have a reason I don’t see why you have not flown the nest. It’s a life stage we all should overcome.
Treacletoots · 20/03/2021 08:11

I left home at 16, but I left a toxic abusive home environment. Fortunately, too, I managed to scrape a deposit together to buy a house whilst they were still reasonably low and got on the house ladder.

I would have loved more support from my parents, to have been able to go to university, and other normal stuff before being thrown into the world of bills and stress at such a young age, but on the flip side it meant that I was able to get on the property ladder just before the market boomed and my peers, who left it another 4 years found they had already been priced out of the market.

I personally would struggle to date someone who still lived with their parents because when do you get any privacy and my exH also lived with his parents until we met. He was a selfish lazy manchild and had no clue how to do anything remotely adult.

As long as you're treating your kids like adults, they're contributing and you get on though, it's nobody's business but yours, surely?

oblada · 20/03/2021 08:18

My kids are welcome to stay as long as they want but we live in a small town (between 2 big-ish cities) in the North West. I'm hoping they'll want a bit more fun at this stage in their life and rent a cheap place with others in a big city or go to France (I'm French). I moved out when I was 18 to come to the UK. I quite liked living on my own though it was initially uni accommodation that my parents paid for. But after my studies had ended (so I would have been 23) then it was up to me and my boyfriend (now husband) to rent and work, and move around, and we enjoyed that very much.

Tootsee · 20/03/2021 08:21

My son is 29 and still lives at home with me. He did move out to stay with a friend last year when Covid hit, to minimise risk to his dad (my dh), who was shielding. He couldn’t wait to come back, when shielding ceased.
Unfortunately my dh passed away at the end of last year, therefore he is company for me. He has no plans to move out again, which I am happy with, and he does help out around the house.
I don’t see any issue with adult children staying at home, if both parties are happy with the situation.

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