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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

323 replies

PallyTally · 19/03/2021 16:46

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

OP posts:

NotAPanda · 19/03/2021 21:19

YANBU. I wouldn’t see step children with a very involved mum as ‘mine’

user1481840227 · 19/03/2021 21:21

@PallyTally

I think some people are confusing my AIBU to be honest. I really do understand that its the risk you take, 4 children is a lot ect... I'm not asking if he's unreasonable to have said no. It's his decision and I have to either accept it or not.

I just don't like how he makes out I'm unreasonable because I should be happy with the 3 children we have. I just want some appreciation from him that I'll need to grieve this in my own way because I will only have 1, not 3 like he keeps saying.

Have you said that to him straight out though? That you need to grieve in your own way and that it will take some time?

You say he keeps saying this so how often is it coming up in conversation? You said in a different post that it's not a conversation you've had over and over

Parkerwhereareyou · 19/03/2021 21:21

Oh FFS. He married you. It doesn't matter what kids he already had with another woman. His relationship matters with you, if he wants to be in it.

I'm sure you're lovely to his kids, but that's not the point and he needs to understand he's not in Disneyland. You need a sibling for your baby and he needs to be in the bubble with you guys.

Just give him the rocket. 'I want and need a man who wants a family with me. One kid isn't enough, sorry. I'm on a time scale here and there will be a hard stop. So either you're in or out.'

That's it. Tell him. No second kid, no family, sayonara.

Life's too short.

Obviously the desired effect is that he understands, realises its a deal-breaker and says ok love. Let's have another.

LucieStar · 19/03/2021 21:21

@PallyTally

I don't see how it's detatching myself to simply say it's not the same as my own DC.

It literally, biologically and more importantly, in every day life, is not the same. I mean people can insist all they like that it is the same. But I know from my own experience of being both a mum and a step mum, that in my situation, it is not the same relationship.

Don't worry OP, it's blindingly obvious to most people that it's very different to your own.

alexis4theppl · 19/03/2021 21:22

I really sympathise with you OP. I am a step parent to my partners child and we have a child together. I would also love another child but partner doesn't. I understand and accept his reasons but just doesn't stop the longing for another. Like you I have a great relationship with SC but I am not his mum, he has a mum and doesn't look at me as his mum as well. Maybe some people do but I don't feel the same about him as I do the baby I have given birth too and have raised from day 1. I love my SC and will always look after him a d show him love but it's just not the same.
Being told that I have 2 children and that that should fill that void would upset me too. It's just not the same

P999 · 19/03/2021 21:28

OP, when you explicitly say to him that you do not (quite rightly) consider yourself the step childrens legal mother, and therefore that you consider yourself to be the mother of only 1 child, does he effectively tell you you shouldn't feel that way? I.e. deny you the right to grieve the child you wont have (which is wrong on so many levels) Or is he just being a bit thick and insensitive - and handling it in a well meaning but stupid way?

HalzTangz · 19/03/2021 21:31

@LucieStar

I think you are trying to but to keep telling him his other two aren't part of your family (you may not be biological mum but you are still a mum role model to them), would come across quite hurtful to him.

Except she hasn't said "your kids aren't part of our family", has she.

She's said "they're your kids, but they're not my kids". That's a statement of biological fact.

She did say exactly that, she said he has two kids, she has 1. She's basically saying they aren't and never will be my family. If my partner said that about my daughter (who isn't his) I'd be pissed

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 19/03/2021 21:38

I think you're getting a tough time on this thread and people aren't reading what you actually asked.
One of your updates summed it up
"I understand all the 'its not about blood', but it's not just that. You could adopt a child and it would still be your child. But my DSC have a mother. They don't think of me as mum, they don't call me mum, I'm not responsible for them in the same way, the experience is totally different in lots of ways."
If someone doesn't call you mum, if you're not making (albeit jointly) decisions on how to raise them, if you're not the one that would have to give consent for things on their behalf, if you've never been (again maybe jointly) their primary caregiver then you are not their mum and whilst you can love them and have a great relationship with them that enriches everyones lives, I don't see how it is the same as being their mum (and by mum I don't mean biological but their primary caregiver and decision maker etc).
I am not and have never been in a step family situation but I think its harsh for people to say you don't see them as family etc. I see my nieces as family, I love them, but I'm not their mum and it's possible to separate the two.

I think you just need your husband to hear you, listen to you and acknowledge that it hurts. Platitudes and cheery 'look on the bright side' comments while sometimes well meant can come across as the person has no bloody idea or doesn't care. Like if you were watching your house burn down and someone says 'it's only bricks and mortar, you can buy another one!'...well technically yes but it doesn't take much empathy to see it was a lifetime of memories as well. You need time and space to deal with grieving for carrying, giving birth and raising the child you thought you'd have, without someone minimising your feelings with a cheery 'it's ok,share my kids instead' comment.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 19/03/2021 21:40

Like others have said I think it's different if you've been in a childs life since they were very young and the biological mother isnt in the picture etc

LucieStar · 19/03/2021 21:40

She did say exactly that, she said he has two kids, she has 1. She's basically saying they aren't and never will be my family. If my partner said that about my daughter (who isn't his) I'd be pissed

Yes she said "he has 2 kids, I have 1".
This is a biological fact.
She is not "basically saying they aren't part of the family".
That's blatantly not something she has said.

LucieStar · 19/03/2021 21:41

@HalzTangz

She's saying "they aren't and never will be my own children".

You can't argue with biological fact I'm afraid, however much you'd like to.

Tigertealeaves · 19/03/2021 21:42

No. They are family but not her children. The OP has absolutely not said that they are not family.

Tigertealeaves · 19/03/2021 21:42

^ sorry that was for @HalzTangz

ohhhhitsme · 19/03/2021 21:47

I'm the opposite, I'd have loved another child of my own. However I acknowledge that WE have two children between us (he has one from a previous relationship and we have a child together), and I think life is easier as a family of 4. Holidays, cars, hobbies etc.
When you go on holiday for example, will you be happy to / are you able to take a family of 6+?
Will you change your car to a people carrier?

LucieStar · 19/03/2021 21:50

@Tigertealeaves

No. They are family but not her children. The OP has absolutely not said that they are not family.

Exactly, why do people make stuff up that hasn't been said?

It's the same as my nephew - I adore him and he's my family, of course he is. But he's never going to be my own child no matter how much I love him.

joystir59 · 19/03/2021 21:56

I think when you marry someone you become parents totally or partially to all the children you each have. So you do have 3 children together. And I also think it really unnecessary to feel hard done by because you can't have any more. Why not invest your parental energies in the 3 you already have.

cremeauchouchou · 19/03/2021 22:01

@joystir59

Because she doesn't have three. Two of them have, presumably, a perfectly good mother already. She's not their parent. How disrespectful it would be for her to take that role. She doesn't have three.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 19/03/2021 22:01

I think on mothers day there was a thred from a step mother asking if the step children should have made a mothers day card. I think the overwhelming answer was 'no, you're not their mum'.

HalzTangz · 19/03/2021 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

PallyTally · 19/03/2021 22:05

People shouldn't ever say, those kids aren't part of my family, when yes they clearly are

Thank God I never said that then.

OP posts:

LucieStar · 19/03/2021 22:06

@HalzTangz

I'm going to take a punt that it's not me who's "stupid" in this exchange.

Re read what the OP has said, and show me evidence of her saying what you're implying she's said. Then come back. Oh and when you come back, learn to assert your views without resorting to insults.

It makes one look "stupid".

Original poster

PallyTally · 19/03/2021 22:08

Are people seriously saying they cannot possibly see how being your DCs one and only mother, their actual parent, is in a lot of ways different to being a step parent to DC who have a mother and don't see you as one? Seriously, you think it's exactly the same thing?

I haven't said they aren't my family. Obviously they are, they are my DSC, my DCs siblings and my husband's children. They just aren't my children and my relationship with them is different to that of a mother and child simply by virtue of the fact that they already have one, lots of members of my family aren't my children.

OP posts:

LucieStar · 19/03/2021 22:08

@PallyTally

Ignore the posters who can't read and clearly have an agenda. We come across this on the stepparenting board all the time, but it's somewhat of a nicer place in general these days. Some lovely posters who completely get it. Some of them have been on here tonight.

stayathomer · 19/03/2021 22:09

Really tough situation OP but I do hate the 'they're not my children' thing because my uncles wife would always say in front of us 'they're not my nieces they're my husband's' so later when I came to know a stepmother who made a point of introducing her step children as 'these are John's children', I just thought 'what a shitty way to grow up'. Do you not think it's lovely that he sees it that you're one family unit? And as for the people who are essentially saying 'ltb'- it just seems extreme. I don't know, I've no solution

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/03/2021 22:09

I think this has touched a nerve with poor old Halz who seems both defensive and confused.

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