To still be upset about mum bullies?

[GingerNinjer]

This happened a couple of years ago but I just can’t seem to get over it. The class was having a party and all kids were sent home with an item of what to bring. Me and another mum got “crisps”.
I bought a multipack of hula hoops, took the individual bags out of the main bag and spread the packets on a party plate, covered it with cling film and that was it.
DD proudly walked into school playground carrying this plate. Other boy who was asked to bring crisps walked in with a multipack of monster munch as bought. DD said to him “why are they not on a party plate?”. She shouldn’t have commented but she did. I quickly told her it didn’t matter whether they were on a plate or not. The boy went to his mum and said DD had said they were meant to be on a plate. Before I had chance to apologise/explain this woman flung her head back, screamed and said loudly “sick of the snobby cunts here, get to private school!”
I was mortified, didn’t confront as this woman has been violent in the playground before so made a quick exit. I was so upset by it, shaking all the way home, I’m not confrontational at all and certainly not a snob.
When I went to pick DD up that afternoon I got standing with a woman who I considered a friend. I told her what had happened and she burst out laughing and said “but why did you put them on a plate? Some of the others were laughing about it too! They were just hula hoops!” I said I knew they were just hula hoops, they were still in their individual bags, I wasn’t pretending they were anything different!” To which she said “exactly, they were in bags! So why the cling film and plate?” Whilst laughing hysterically.

Months later jokes were still being made in the chat groups about wether to buy crisps from asda of Waitrose etc, jokes about cling film for extra protection etc etc. I came off the chat groups and no longer speak to any of them but I just can’t get over it. Seems like such a massive reaction to crisps?? They’re talking about the possibility of a party at the end of school year if guidance allows and I actually feel sick at the thought of the jokes starting up again.
Was I really so badly in the wrong here?

I was warned about school mums

what the hell does that mean?

Were you warned about work colleagues too? Fellow commuters? Other supermarket shoppers?

I found that the ones complaining about "drama" are usually the ones heavily involved in it.

The group that bullied the OP is a perfect example. They would be exactly the same in a office environment or anywhere else. Some women are just nasty and insecure, wherever you meet them.

To all of you that have said ‘I would’ve been very offended and stormed out of the group as well’, what would it achieve? They haven’t apologised. They’re probably still making the jokes. OP will now feel even more awkward around them.

Whereas she could’ve taken control of her own joke, earned some respect and then found the right moment to make the rude mum look like an absolute twat. With a sweet smile of course

The chances of this happening in a work environment are almost zero. Yes there's bullying etc sometimes but the idea that you actually think that sending food with a plate and covering it so it doesn't fall off is 'weird' or even worthy of comment is incredible. The idea that you could be called a snobby cunt for it? I would get rid manage someone out that did this.

The parties I've been to where you take food you take it in/on some kind of platter/container that you can serve straight from. Usually covered. Not unusual.

I'm always happy to take a joke at my expense but after the snobby cunt comment nothing is a joke. It's continuing rather abusive behaviour. Pretty sure if any of your kids got called a snobby cunt at school you wouldn't be 'seeing the funny side'. And I'm pretty sure if you were to call her a fucking chav no one would be calling it banter.

Obviously you simply ignore them all and personally I wouldn't bother dropping a DD off at the gates. And to me she would always be 'that fucking chav'. And I would assume posters here who think it's all so funny would have no problem with that? After all, it's all just bants, innit?

Yes exactly. I'd have reacted in both these situations. The mum calling her a snobby cunt sounds like a gobby chav and I'd probably struggle to be offended and would have said if not using language like that in front of children makes me a snob then call me Hyacinth Bucket!

It probably didn't cross the other mums minds that it would be particularly traumatising. It sounds like gentle teasing on their part.

@Nohomemadecandles

The one vile human who called her a cunt is indeed vile. She was vile because she felt belittled over the DD not because of the crisps.

But I can't see some ribbing over crisps on WhatsApp as bullying. Its nothing like men tearing down women because they are women at all. It's crisps. It was odd. Even the op acknowledges it was odd. Sometimes some perspective is needed. The vile woman - yup call her out and stand up to it. We have a dad on our WhatsApp who didn't realise Nutella had nuts in. (Nut free school). He's regularly reminded on bake sale days. He even brings it up himself. Unless they all called her a cunt I think it could have been dealt with without all this drama.

It might not be obviously parallel to men tearing women because they are women.

But what it does illustrate to me, is that women can define "banter" however they like, so long as they're having fun at someone's expense. Men can't - if they're having a laugh at woman's expense, for example - they must instantly be called out as this is why we live in a misogynistic society.

@Wondermule

To all of you that have said ‘I would’ve been very offended and stormed out of the group as well’, what would it achieve? They haven’t apologised. They’re probably still making the jokes. OP will now feel even more awkward around them.

Whereas she could’ve taken control of her own joke, earned some respect and then found the right moment to make the rude mum look like an absolute twat. With a sweet smile of course

Depends. I can perfectly leave a group and forget about them, I don't need to waste my time thinking about them.

The only sad thing is the OP still mulling about it and not having moved on from that. She doesn't need to "earn some respect" from a bunch of silly girls.

I am quite comfortable standing up for myself though, so I would just go completely over the top and make fun of all the others, but I appreciate it's not that easy for everyone.

I honestly can't believe that anyone has the time to concern themselves with how someone else presented crisps to a kids' party. (I like what you did!)
Nor can I believe how nasty they have been about it ever since!
That's really horrible OP, YADNBU. Try to put it behind you. They are clearly all awful people.
Was your DD caught up in any of this?

But I can't see some ribbing over crisps on WhatsApp as bullying.

Bringing the same jokes against one person, again and again, and repeatedly and consistently making fun of that person, you don't see how that's bullying?

In a group of friends or siblings, it's one thing. Virtual strangers and the whole group ganging up against one?

It's childish at best, but how can it not be bullying?

Bringing the same jokes against one person, again and again, and repeatedly and consistently making fun of that person, you don't see how that's bullying?

Honestly I think you’re probably over exaggerating here, even the op didn’t go this far.

It's a pity that when when you have kids you have to go through the whole shitty rigmarole of unwanted 'banter' and school bullshit all over again, at a remove.

Absolutely dying at the fact that @Mintychocolate thinks not putting your children's crisps on a plate means they'll grow up to have 'small shitty lives'.

@Bluntness100

Bringing the same jokes against one person, again and again, and repeatedly and consistently making fun of that person, you don't see how that's bullying?

Honestly I think you’re probably over exaggerating here, even the op didn’t go this far.

Months later jokes were still being made in the chat groups about wether to buy crisps from asda of Waitrose etc, jokes about cling film for extra protection etc etc. I came off the chat groups and no longer speak to any of them but I just can’t get over it.

if this was a work environment, you could very reasonably make a formal complaint and it would be followed up.

So yes, bullying.

I get the OP is very unlucky to have found herself into such a pathetic group, again who the heck even cares about crips? , but still not acceptagble.

I can’t believe people think calling another parent a cunt in the playground is acceptable.

Also it’s just crisps on a plate, who gives a crap, these people need something more in their lives.

People who use the word “banter” tend to use it as code for bullying/being a cunt tbh.

YANBU I can see why you’re upset but they probably don’t realise how much it is upsetting you as they find it funny and assume you do too. The best thing you can do is laugh along with them to show it doesn’t bother you.

The first mum sounds like a cow but she would have been embarrassed that she hadn’t put them on a plate and it was probably a knee jerk reaction and feels bad about it now. It’s not on though.

@LucieStar you're talking shite, honestly, give it over.

On the matter of the ribbing, There is a bloke in my town who teaches a self defense course. He includes karate but also what he refers to as 'mental self defense' and it does involve humour. It involves turning around bullying into humour to deflect it. Of course the bullying shouldn't happen but that's not where the conversation ends.

There are two issues, well actually three. The original woman, who is clearly not OK. The other people joking, which would bother some people and not others. Then there is OP's reaction. Which is the only place she has power. Whether she chooses to exercise that power is her choice.

It’s the kind of thing I’d take the piss out of a mate for, trying to make hula hoops posh is a funny idea. But I wouldn’t do it with someone who I don’t have that close relationship with. I definitely wouldn’t keep bringing it up. I think they are a bunch of bitches and I would steer clear.

[quote MrsTerryPratchett]@LucieStar you're talking shite, honestly, give it over.

On the matter of the ribbing, There is a bloke in my town who teaches a self defense course. He includes karate but also what he refers to as 'mental self defense' and it does involve humour. It involves turning around bullying into humour to deflect it. Of course the bullying shouldn't happen but that's not where the conversation ends.

There are two issues, well actually three. The original woman, who is clearly not OK. The other people joking, which would bother some people and not others. Then there is OP's reaction. Which is the only place she has power. Whether she chooses to exercise that power is her choice.[/quote]

Excuse me?
Do elaborate

The woman who shouted was not only calling you out she was being rude to others too so the other mums are unlikely to be taking her side. Unless you live in an area where her behavior is the norm she must stand out like a sore thumb. But your daughter embarrassed her remember.
The crisp thing was weird although you seem to have a logical reason which you should have laughed and given.

Probably a lot easier to laugh at yourself and endure the teasing when the initial behaviour of one of the mums wasn't so disgusting and offensive, I imagine.

I agree.

It's the kind of thing we would have a running joke about in our friendship group but it's not funny if the person involved is upset by it.

Do elaborate

Oh please. Comparing school mum piss-taking (and I don't include the first woman in that) with harassment of women by men. You know that's bollocks.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Do elaborate

Oh please. Comparing school mum piss-taking (and I don't include the first woman in that) with harassment of women by men. You know that's bollocks.

It's my opinion and I'm entitled to it.
If you can't engage with me in a civil manner about my opinion, don't bother addressing me.

The mums who are making you the butt of their jokes are doing it because they’re scared that if it isn’t you, then they might get picked on instead.

They’re just pathetic cowards and I wouldn’t give them the time of day.

Bastards. Sorry
I am autistic (aspergers) and always found mum groups challenging. My living children are now 17, 13, 9, 7 and 6 months and I recently left a WhatsApp group of my 7 to y2 son. I feel for you.
When my eldest was 5 he commented to a boy that they are not allowed cakes in lunch boxes which was true (they discouraged sweet stuff in lunch boxes and cakes were banned too to cut risk of nut allergies) and the boy's mum started screaming at me at the playground at pick up, saying that I put my son up to it because apparently he was not old enough to come up with the "cakes are not allowed". I remember feeling really upset and one mum stood up for me. This stuff can be really unpleasant esp considering one has to see them twice a day for years.

So you put some hula hoops on a party plate, because it was a party and assuming you wanted to go to a little length of some effort since crisps of a fairly easy one anyway.. and cling film because I assume being on the plate with multiple packets of crisps would make them likely to slide around and fall off.

As for using the language she used, you might be a ‘snobby c*nt’ but just be thankful you’re ‘that’ mother that is always effing and herding infront of hers and other people children in the school playground, and causing fights? I can only picture Vicky pollard.

Don’t worry OP, they sound jealous and hung up on it which must mean they’re lives are very boring to still find it funny a year later.