To still be upset about mum bullies?

[GingerNinjer]

This happened a couple of years ago but I just can’t seem to get over it. The class was having a party and all kids were sent home with an item of what to bring. Me and another mum got “crisps”.
I bought a multipack of hula hoops, took the individual bags out of the main bag and spread the packets on a party plate, covered it with cling film and that was it.
DD proudly walked into school playground carrying this plate. Other boy who was asked to bring crisps walked in with a multipack of monster munch as bought. DD said to him “why are they not on a party plate?”. She shouldn’t have commented but she did. I quickly told her it didn’t matter whether they were on a plate or not. The boy went to his mum and said DD had said they were meant to be on a plate. Before I had chance to apologise/explain this woman flung her head back, screamed and said loudly “sick of the snobby cunts here, get to private school!”
I was mortified, didn’t confront as this woman has been violent in the playground before so made a quick exit. I was so upset by it, shaking all the way home, I’m not confrontational at all and certainly not a snob.
When I went to pick DD up that afternoon I got standing with a woman who I considered a friend. I told her what had happened and she burst out laughing and said “but why did you put them on a plate? Some of the others were laughing about it too! They were just hula hoops!” I said I knew they were just hula hoops, they were still in their individual bags, I wasn’t pretending they were anything different!” To which she said “exactly, they were in bags! So why the cling film and plate?” Whilst laughing hysterically.

Months later jokes were still being made in the chat groups about wether to buy crisps from asda of Waitrose etc, jokes about cling film for extra protection etc etc. I came off the chat groups and no longer speak to any of them but I just can’t get over it. Seems like such a massive reaction to crisps?? They’re talking about the possibility of a party at the end of school year if guidance allows and I actually feel sick at the thought of the jokes starting up again.
Was I really so badly in the wrong here?

You put some crisps on a plate, imo not that weird, can't see why anyone would make a thing of it. But the other woman calling you a snobby c*not in the playground, well that's something to be upset about.
It speaks volumes about these school mums, stay away from them and try and forget it.

To be honest this is the sort of odd thing I might have done. Yes it was a bit weird to put clingfilm over crisps still in their packet, but I guess we’ve all done silly things.

Many years ago I sent DS into school with a glass bottomed lunch box, 😱 the lunch supervisor said that was really silly of Mummy and took the container off him until home time. My DS was mortified, the other children teased him about having a silly Mummy, he came out of school sobbing. I was mortified (had anxiety and depression at the time), various other Mums mentioned it to me many times laughing and made me feel awful about my stupid decision, and I still blush about it 20 years later.

I get it, the crisps in clingfilm was over the top, and your DDs comment to another child was unkind. The other Mums joking and teasing about it was understandable. Obviously the joke is now wearing a bit thin, and sometimes there is a thin dividing line between teasing, humour, and bullying.
School mums’ social skills are often unkind and excluding, and fraught with angst. Try to rise above it, maybe make your own joke about it - something like ‘next time I’ll put a doily on the paper plate to help raise the party standards even further’. Unfortunately the more you say or do to let them know you feel bullied, the worse their behaviour will get.
Fortunately primary school politics ends eventually.

She sounds vile but the plate thing was a really daft thing to do too.
I'm not sure wherein lies the bullying

*No, she'll be the woman that left the WhatsApp group because she was bullied out of it.

And why should she have neutralised the situation by being self deprecating to appease a nasty, aggressive bully? Fuck that!*

Yep.

Ultimately, you are thrown together because you have children the same age, and in most cases that's all you have in common.

When I realised this I didn't feel any obligation to spend time with them or feel the need for validation from them.

Enjoy the knowledge that you have a life that extends further than needing to be with people that you have such a tenuous link with. You will hardly see each other again after this year!

@Nohomemadecandles

She sounds vile but the plate thing was a really daft thing to do too. I'm not sure wherein lies the bullying

what do you need?

No, she'll be the woman that left the WhatsApp group because she was bullied out of it. And why should she have neutralised the situation by being self deprecating to appease a nasty, aggressive bully? Fuck that!

I don’t think thr poster was suggesting to do it to appease the one woman who was out of order. But to join in thr joke with the others.

And they are not going to see her as the woman who was bullied out the group. They are going to see it as the woman who cling filmed some unopened bags of hula hoops to a party plate and then refused to see the humour in it, and flounced. You can’t lump the rest of the woman in with the one who screamed.

To be honest in the OP's situation I wouldn't give a shit what the rest of the WhatsApp group members thought of me for leaving. I'd want nothing further to do with any of them again, ever.

@EvaporatedHour

To be honest in the OP's situation I wouldn't give a shit what the rest of the WhatsApp group members thought of me for leaving. I'd want nothing further to do with any of them again, ever.

This!!

@EvaporatedHour

To be honest in the OP's situation I wouldn't give a shit what the rest of the WhatsApp group members thought of me for leaving. I'd want nothing further to do with any of them again, ever.

I think this just shows the difference in people’s reactions. Personally if I’d done something like that, and we have all done daft shit, I’d take the piss out myself snd laugh along. As would everyone I know. We would not take it seriously at all. The woman who used rhe snobby cunt phrase is a different animal and quite frankly I’d probably have laughed at her and told her to get a fucking grip.

The op I think is a lot more sensitive though, and is just too embarrassed by it. And other than the one woman, it really wasn’t a big deal more a minor point of humour for everyone.

And all this "she should have just joined in the joke". Ok. I'll remember that next time a group of men is being demeaning and mocking towards a woman. I won't challenge them as per recent pleas by women on here. I'll just join in. It's only "banter" after all, right? The woman in question should just be self-deprecating. 🤷‍♀️

@LucieStar

And all this "she should have just joined in the joke". Ok. I'll remember that next time a group of men is being demeaning and mocking towards a woman. I won't challenge them as per recent pleas by women on here. I'll just join in. It's only "banter" after all, right? The woman in question should just be self-deprecating. 🤷‍♀️

That’s very different indeed. And you know it. This was taking the piss out some crisps.

Let it go OP.

Can't believe you were called a C U Next Tuesday, that's a disgrace.

Think the banter went a bit far as well.

I was warned about school mums and didn't take much heed, I've met a couple of lovely genuine ones, but also had an encounter with one that would rival pulp fiction. There's a lot of fake, a lot of nasty and a lot of insecurity floating around and I think because you're in a school setting some people regress back to school times.

I've pulled right back from it all now, having previously been heavily involved in and dedicated loads of time to volunteering at school, at PTA etc. Etc. Also left the whatsapp group, and had a cathartic clear out of my FB "friends" list, all very cathartic.

Oh dear, I did have a little chuckle at the Hoola Hoops being cling filmed to a plate when they're still in their packets OP

But YANBU about the rest of it at all.

Although if you didn't want to confront the screaming foul-mouthed woman because she's been violent in the past, I'm not sure why you've started this thread?

The likelihood of it being spotted by at least someone at the school is fairly high I think.

The woman who screamed will have terrorised the others into 'being on her side' which means ganging up and making sneery comments about you - idiots.

But I was mulling over something the other night where two 'friends' had been bitchy/ridiculed me. I imagined I was playing a computer game - where you can see the muzzle of the gun, I pointed the gun at the friends one by one and blasted them so they blew to bits and landed in pieces on the ground, as in these games. i couldn't help smiling to myself and you know what - I don't feel upset by them now - you could try it.

@Bluntness100

No, I don't think it's very different at all actually. I think it's one rule for men and another for women. It's clear that this was bullying behaviour, not banter. It's only being minimised because the people concerned are female.

@charmatt puts it brilliantly

OP, it might have been a bit of an odd thing to do, but no big deal.
The first woman sounds plain nasty. Then it turned into a joint joke, and they were taking the piss for a bit, which doesn't feel great.
But to still be dwelling on it two years later?
Draw a line under it & move on!

Years ago this would have really upset me but not now I wouldn't give a toss now. I don't really get on with any of the school mums, my son has ASD and dropping off and picking up can be challenging and probably entertaining for them so I imagine they all gossip about me already but I couldn't care less!

They sound very, very rude. I would be mortified if I had been involved in making someone as uncomfortable as you have been made to feel. Much more so than if I had presented crisps in the "wrong" way (is this even a thing?).

Is the aggressive mum on the group chat? If so, is it possible that some of the other parents are a bit scared of her too and continued teasing OP as a way of sucking up to her and staying on her “good side”? (Scary mum that is)

This is how I remember the dynamics of bullying working when I was at school; people carrying on the main instigator’s “jokes” about the victim so as not become the target themselves. Maybe that’s what’s happening here?

It just seems too bizarre otherwise. It makes me wonder if I’m just extremely lucky with the parents at my children’s school who all seem sane and reasonable, or if this sort of thing really is going on and I’m just too dozy to notice.

Not in group chats either. I speak to people at the school gate but I just don't gel as we have nothing in common except children of the same age (I've tried...talked about my interests etc.). I'm just not on the same wavelength unfortunately. Having said this I have made a friend at the school gate but a lot is down to luck.

I am probably somewhat of an oddity...but there are some really nasty, vindictive, jealous (women in the main) who don't have the maturity to see a different point of view and most likely feel insecure. Sorry you have experienced this.

I'm late to the thread, but just want to say I totally get what you did OP and when I was reading your description I couldn't see anything wrong with it. You provided a plate in case they didn't have one or to save them having to get the bags out. The clingfilm obviously holds them on for the trip to school. I would have done exactly the same. And while your DD didn't know not to say what she did, it was nothing compared to how rude other people have been to you!

Yes you could diffuse it with joining in the joking - if they gave you a chance, but they didn't. Also you shouldn't have to.

All you can take from this, honestly, IME is to make sure you are never like that to other parents at the school gate. If and when you have to be there, just hold your head high, and be there for anyone to chat to who's feeling left out. That's all you can do.

And remember one day you'll never have to deal with the petty twats again.

The one vile human who called her a cunt is indeed vile. She was vile because she felt belittled over the DD not because of the crisps.

But I can't see some ribbing over crisps on WhatsApp as bullying. Its nothing like men tearing down women because they are women at all. It's crisps. It was odd. Even the op acknowledges it was odd. Sometimes some perspective is needed. The vile woman - yup call her out and stand up to it. We have a dad on our WhatsApp who didn't realise Nutella had nuts in. (Nut free school). He's regularly reminded on bake sale days. He even brings it up himself. Unless they all called her a cunt I think it could have been dealt with without all this drama.

Oh dear, I did have a little chuckle at the Hoola Hoops being cling filmed to a plate when they're still in their packets OP

Actually this is very sensible. Transported to avoid spillage with a plate available so children can help themselves for easy access.