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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend offering money so a group of us can go on holiday! AIBU?

132 replies

Cinderstella · 18/03/2021 22:50

DH’s friend and partner - have a lot more in terms of material things than DH and me. Bigger house in better area, cars, motorbikes, electric bicycles etc. He is always offering us stuff and it’s getting out of hand now. Thing is we have enough money to buy these things if we wanted them but we don’t. We like to live as simply as possible, not wasting money or resources but we feel that they only see us as the poorer couple which we are not by any means. They won’t be told either. At first we saw it as him being kind but since the latest gesture we are extremely irritated and annoyed.
He actually offered to buy my DH a better vehicle than he has so that we could go on holiday with them. DH quietly declined his request but privately he was furious as was I. DH, friend and partner have known each other a long time and DH doesn’t like to upset the apple cart but I really don’t want to have anything to do with “friends” like this. I feel that they are taking the piss big time. AIBU?

OP posts:
suggestionsplease1 · 18/03/2021 22:53

Why would buying your DH a vehicle help you go on holiday with them?

LemonRoses · 18/03/2021 22:54

It’s a pity to make assumptions and ruin a long-standing friendship without a proper conversation about how it leaves you feeling and their motivation.

DoinmeEdin · 18/03/2021 22:55

Why would buying your DH a vehicle help you go on holiday with them?

Maybe they need a chauffeur?

Original poster
Cinderstella · 18/03/2021 22:56

Hi@suggestionsplease1.
It wouldn’t. I think he maybe looks down on our aged vehicle and doesn’t want to be embarrassed by our one. Heaven only knows! It’s ridiculous.

OP posts:
Fr0thandBubble · 18/03/2021 22:57

Geez OP, with enemies like yours, who needs friends? Confused

Original poster
Cinderstella · 18/03/2021 22:59

Hi@DoinmeEdin. Maybe he thinks it would help him feel more comfortable “if we were up at his level” 😂 as it were rather than his “poor” friends😜.

OP posts:
Choccorocco · 18/03/2021 23:00

Sounds like they’re being kind, in their own way... Have you spoken with them about how you feel? If they’re that materialistic then perhaps they’re projecting all of their desires and anxieties onto you without realising that you have different values and priorities. I don’t understand why it’s such a problem for you anyway, unless you’re feeling insulted?

PlanetPuddle · 18/03/2021 23:00

That's really awful!

BooomShakeTheRoom · 18/03/2021 23:00

So they've made the wrong assumption about your finances and as a result are overly generous/a bit pushy maybe. And rather than correct them, you want to stop being friends?

To me this seems an overreaction.

Just say something like "just wanted to let you know we do have the money for these things, we just don't really want them at the moment."

I'm sure they'd rather not spend so much money on you guys and will likely stop offering when they know you have it.

Veterinari · 18/03/2021 23:02

[quote Cinderstella]Hi@DoinmeEdin. Maybe he thinks it would help him feel more comfortable “if we were up at his level” 😂 as it were rather than his “poor” friends😜.[/quote]
Maybe you should have a conversation rather than making unkind assumptions?

partyatthepalace · 18/03/2021 23:03

@BooomShakeTheRoom

So they've made the wrong assumption about your finances and as a result are overly generous/a bit pushy maybe. And rather than correct them, you want to stop being friends?

To me this seems an overreaction.

Just say something like "just wanted to let you know we do have the money for these things, we just don't really want them at the moment."

I'm sure they'd rather not spend so much money on you guys and will likely stop offering when they know you have it.

This.
NoSquirrels · 18/03/2021 23:04

You seem like you’re making a lot of assumptions about their motives.

Have they said “Jeez, Cinderstella’s bloke, you’re embarrassing me with your vehicle and I wouldn’t be seen dead going camping with you?”

Or is this a bit of an overreaction?

Josette77 · 18/03/2021 23:05

Why not just talk to them? Why assume they are being awful?

Also, I need a new car. Are they looking for new friends?

Original poster
Cinderstella · 18/03/2021 23:07

I have told him that we have the money. He’s very pushy and yes we felt very insulted. He makes assumptions all the time. His partner looks down her nose at me. She can be nasty on the sly with me but we put up with her because she is the DP of the friend. He really doesn’t take it in or maybe he doesn’t believe me when I say we can afford these things, we just don’t want them or feel that they are necessary like he does.

OP posts:
JackieWeaverFever · 18/03/2021 23:08

I am on the fence.
Have you expressly said "we aren't comfortable with this. We enjoy your company but can afford out own things. please stop" if so Yanbu

If not YABU they sound insanely generous.
we have a few friends like this and it doesn't even make sense as we all earn well. I've given up and just let them crack on with it.

NoSquirrels · 18/03/2021 23:08

What you need to ask yourself is why this upsets you - whay are you bothered by their apparent belief that you’re skint? Why do you even care? Can’t you just laugh it off and explain you’ve got loads of cash thanks very much?

JackieWeaverFever · 18/03/2021 23:09

Just saw the update YANBU

NoSquirrels · 18/03/2021 23:09

Why are you insulted?

LaurieFairyCake · 18/03/2021 23:10

Ask them over for dinner

Leave a bank statement 'accidentally' lying round - she will be nosey enough to clock it Grin

You'll not get offered steam off their shite again ..

sneakysnoopysniper · 18/03/2021 23:13

I would tell them how you feel just as you have in this thread, but without an accusing tone. Make it clear that you just have different values on whats important in your life and are not in any way jealous or resentful of their lifestyle. I would not break with them, Maybe just pull back somewhat from the friendship and dont see so much of them.

Ozgirl75 · 18/03/2021 23:15

It does sound irritating and also really patronising. I can understand it. Where we live (Sydney) there are a lot of newly rich people who tend to spend their money on large flashy houses and fancy cars. Our kids go to private school and although the vast majority of parents are very nice and normal there are also plenty who love the designer look.
We have a “normal” house (to be fair it is still a nice house but not a mega mansion) and a hybrid car (as I spend all the time ferrying the kids in city traffic) and live a pretty normal life. We put our money into paying off our mortgage, which we have done, and investing in shares and some companies.
We’ve had a few comments on “upgrading the car” but I have no desire to do so, I like my Toyota!
Flashy people don’t seem to be able to understand that people have different monetary goals and aims. Ours isn’t a $10m house or a Maserati.

Original poster
Cinderstella · 18/03/2021 23:19

He’s in his early 40’s, his DP is 10 yrs younger than him and I just feel they aren’t very mature. For example he’s made remarks about DH’s Berghaus jacket that he’s worn for 20 yrs, things like that.
I know you’re all saying talk to them and let them know how you feel but we have done this till we are blue in the face! It’s ruining our friendship. They are really self absorbed and I just feel we have reached the end of the road with them. Friend's DP has also made a play for my DH several times in the past and personally, I just think she is stupid, insecure and loud. Although that’s another matter I know.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 18/03/2021 23:25

@Cinderstella

He’s in his early 40’s, his DP is 10 yrs younger than him and I just feel they aren’t very mature. For example he’s made remarks about DH’s Berghaus jacket that he’s worn for 20 yrs, things like that. I know you’re all saying talk to them and let them know how you feel but we have done this till we are blue in the face! It’s ruining our friendship. They are really self absorbed and I just feel we have reached the end of the road with them. Friend's DP has also made a play for my DH several times in the past and personally, I just think she is stupid, insecure and loud. Although that’s another matter I know.
Right so this is a massive drip feed about years of terrible behaviour you've overlooked and instead written an OP that actually highlights their generosity and your judgemental irritability.

You may not get the answers you're anticipating if you don't actually post the relevant info

Either that or you've realised this isn't going the way you want and now you're drip feeding that you have the patience of a saint in the face of awful friends.

Which is it?

IdblowJonSnow · 18/03/2021 23:25

Good dripfeed re the friends partner!
If you've told them how you feel and they carry on, what choice have you got?

Original poster
Cinderstella · 18/03/2021 23:33

Yeah, thanks everyone. It’s such a long story with so much else going on that this latest episode was the last straw really. I should have written initially about the backstory as an intro to this instead of drip feeding.
Apologies. Probably should have kept it to myself. I know some of you think it was a kind gesture but trust me there’s more to it than that. I suppose I should have kept it to myself, I don’t know. It’s difficult for readers to make judgements without knowing the background. But ty for all replies.

OP posts:
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