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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend offering money so a group of us can go on holiday! AIBU?

132 replies

Cinderstella · 18/03/2021 22:50

DH’s friend and partner - have a lot more in terms of material things than DH and me. Bigger house in better area, cars, motorbikes, electric bicycles etc. He is always offering us stuff and it’s getting out of hand now. Thing is we have enough money to buy these things if we wanted them but we don’t. We like to live as simply as possible, not wasting money or resources but we feel that they only see us as the poorer couple which we are not by any means. They won’t be told either. At first we saw it as him being kind but since the latest gesture we are extremely irritated and annoyed.
He actually offered to buy my DH a better vehicle than he has so that we could go on holiday with them. DH quietly declined his request but privately he was furious as was I. DH, friend and partner have known each other a long time and DH doesn’t like to upset the apple cart but I really don’t want to have anything to do with “friends” like this. I feel that they are taking the piss big time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mrgrinch · 19/03/2021 08:49

I'm surprised at the responses on here. I think it's very insulting OP and I couldn't be friends with someone who looked at me like a charity case.

Original poster
Cinderstella · 19/03/2021 08:51

Hi@HollowTalk. It’s not just my DH. She flutters her eyelashes at any of her DP’s aquaintances that she thinks is nice looking. I don’t hate her, I feel sorry for her. Tbh I think she wants marriage but her DP isn’t interested in marriage. I also don’t think she’s with him because of the wealth aspect. She has money in her own right. She’s well enough educated on paper but that doesn’t prevent her from being thick unfortunately.

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/03/2021 08:52

I’d just tell them that you could afford these things if you wanted them, and please stop offering, it’s kind of you but we honestly don’t want or need them and TBH it’s getting embarrassing.

They may not believe you, though. Some people (we have neighbours like this) will always like to believe that e.g. the lack of a flash car/cars on the drive must mean that you can’t afford them. Because such things are essential to their self esteem they simply can’t comprehend that anyone else might be happy with an ordinary old-ish car, and money in the bank.

Original poster
Cinderstella · 19/03/2021 08:53

Thanks@Mrgrinch. 👍

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinderstella · 19/03/2021 08:54

Yes, I agree@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER.

OP posts:
Meripenopause · 19/03/2021 08:55

The dynamic Bluntess describes does seem to happen reasonably frequently, IMO. OP, you describe the friend's younger DP as 'being silly'. Sounds like it could be a euphemism for attention seeking / flirting. Even if your DH doesn't engage, I can see that this would trigger your dislike. Is the money thing overlaying this?

Meripenopause · 19/03/2021 08:55

Cross post

Confusedandshaken · 19/03/2021 09:01

They are mates. Some plain speaking is called for. I would recommend "would you stop bloody offering to buy me stuff. If I wanted a great gas guzzler like yours I'd buy one. If you want to do me a favour buy me a pint and shut up. '

Pyewackect · 19/03/2021 09:03

Sounds like a 70's sitcom !.

diddl · 19/03/2021 09:04

I agree that your husband should be able to tell him.

If the friend keeps insisting-is he really a friend?

Cocomarine · 19/03/2021 09:10

My husband has a good friend whose wife I can’t stand. So they only socialise 1:1.
Helps that my husband can’t stand her either, and nor could his first wife... so it wasn’t a difficult thing to approach. In fact, the first time I met her, she was drunkenly whining about how she didn’t think First Wife really liked her... sadly, First Wife is actually Late Wife, so not particularly sensitive to my husband, and utterly irrelevant. Husband and I couldn’t make eye contact with each other, as we of course knew Late Wife couldn’t stand the whiny attention seeking fool.

Anyway... sorry for the threadjack! Basically: cut out the girlfriend, leave them to socialise 1:1 and leave your husband to the consequences of not giving his friend the ultimatum of shutting up about cars or losing the friendship.

How does a car link with a holiday anyway? Was a PP right that you’d said no holiday as needing a new car?

Candyfloss99 · 19/03/2021 09:12

After all your drip feeds it sounds like you have no reason to be friends with them at all so just cut it.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 19/03/2021 09:20

This is your husband's problem to deal with. He came home and was fuming but hadn't told his friend how he was feeling about the offer just offloaded it all on to you.

I would tell your husband it's his friend and he has to deal with it. Don't come whinging to you and making you all stressed about it all.

saraclara · 19/03/2021 09:26

@Candyfloss99

After all your drip feeds it sounds like you have no reason to be friends with them at all so just cut it.
It's not her call. The guy is her husband's lifelong friend.
saraclara · 19/03/2021 09:26

For fucks sake Nigel, not this again, we don’t need your money

I'd love your DH to be as blunt as this.

JellyBabiesFan · 19/03/2021 09:27

Their personalities and lifestyles to not sound aligned to either of yours. Sounds like it is time to phase them out as friends.

Cowbells · 19/03/2021 09:27

If these were my 'friends' (I'd find them excruciatingly tedious) I'd have a very direct conversation with them and say:
Do you actually like us as we are? Because you seem to keep needing to upgrade us. We don't need or want a different car or loads of gadgets. We're not very materialistic. We know you are and that's fine by us but we're not and that should be fine by you. If you can't holiday with us because our car isn't fancy enough then you need to mix with people who care about fancy cars. But if you like us, stop caring about our clothes and our cars. Right now. We don't want stuff from you,

What I don't get is what does actually work in the friendship. If they constantly undermine you and the woman makes passes at your OH, then where's the fun occurring?

Fairyliz · 19/03/2021 09:29

Well you clearly don’t like them irrespective of the money thing so just stop being friends with them.

Saz12 · 19/03/2021 09:40

I’d find this hugely insulting, and just plain weird. I’d find it hard to like DP’s friends if they repeatedly did this : it’s like saying “our way IS the right way, whatever you say about having enough really you should want more, like we do”.... I’m really surprised there are so many replies of YABU.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2021 09:40

It’s hard to decipher what’s really occurring. Is she hitting on your husband or is she fluttering her eyelashes at every bloke she sees. You’ve told two versions. It’s hard to comprehend why she’d be with her partner for the money but he after your partner when she thinks she’s skint.

Or why no one is dealing with it

It does seem you just really dislike her. Calling her thick, stupid, the lot. Is she attractive?

This started off about his lifelong friend offering to buy him stuff and seems to have evolved into how much you dislike his partner, how she flirts with men, how old she is, how she’s a gold digger, how she’s stupid, silly, and thick. It seeks to really be all about her for you.

Original poster
Cinderstella · 19/03/2021 09:51

Not really@Bluntness100
But I can see where you’re coming from. I only mentioned her earlier because people asked if there were other things about the friendship my DH and I didn’t like and due to PP’s comments or questions on this it has become sidetracked unfortunately. Also, people don’t often read on here, they just scan and miss out on the detail and the original question. Tbh I put the Vote on because I thought that’s all it needed either YABR or YABU.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinderstella · 19/03/2021 09:52

SowouldI@saraclara

OP posts:
user1469544430 · 19/03/2021 10:02

Blimey, so much harshness towards the OP! Must have hit a weird nerve with some mnetters!
People in the UK are so in denial about their conspicuous consumption habits.
Those saying 'ooo how generous and kind they sound' - balls to that, who offers to buy their friend a new CAR?
I say distance yourself - you don't like them, they're being knobs, it's DP's problem how he navigates this.

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 19/03/2021 10:10

Repeat, with a fixed smile and firm handshake:
‘You’re being very sweet with all these offers to purchase stuff for us, but it’s quite unnecessary and if you carry on like this, it will affect our relationship, and we don’t want that to happen. We’re not very materialistic, it’s not our thing. We value your company and friendship we're not looking for anything else.....(pause for a moment).
Good, I’m glad that’s sorted’.

Soontobe60 · 19/03/2021 10:15

I think it’s really patronising of them TBH. If they think you can’t afford the things they can, such as an expensive meal out, then why don’t they do something cheaper like go for pizza? It’s almost like they think what they have is better than what you have so they must be better people.