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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend offering money so a group of us can go on holiday! AIBU?

132 replies

Cinderstella · 18/03/2021 22:50

DH’s friend and partner - have a lot more in terms of material things than DH and me. Bigger house in better area, cars, motorbikes, electric bicycles etc. He is always offering us stuff and it’s getting out of hand now. Thing is we have enough money to buy these things if we wanted them but we don’t. We like to live as simply as possible, not wasting money or resources but we feel that they only see us as the poorer couple which we are not by any means. They won’t be told either. At first we saw it as him being kind but since the latest gesture we are extremely irritated and annoyed.
He actually offered to buy my DH a better vehicle than he has so that we could go on holiday with them. DH quietly declined his request but privately he was furious as was I. DH, friend and partner have known each other a long time and DH doesn’t like to upset the apple cart but I really don’t want to have anything to do with “friends” like this. I feel that they are taking the piss big time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 18/03/2021 23:39

Hang out with people you like and trust. This doesn’t sound like a friendship in any way.

Original poster
Cinderstella · 18/03/2021 23:43

Thanks for your sensible reply @Ohyesiam. Yes I agree. DH is a martyr to it though. Unshakeable. However, I can distance myself from them I suppose. I certainly wouldn’t have chosen them as my friends.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 18/03/2021 23:46

Yes it’s hard when your other half is so embroiled. What’s his motivation for continuing the friendship?
I haven’t read this whole thread, so sorry if you’ve gone into that already.

Original poster
Cinderstella · 18/03/2021 23:50

Hi@Ohyesiam.
They’ve been friends since primary school so he’s reluctant to end it.

OP posts:
Crumpsly · 18/03/2021 23:52

Be very straight with them say we have the money for these things but we don’t want them. I have friends like that OP, as we aged and earned more money some of them went down the path of big cars and houses. We stuck to paying off our 4 bed semi but I sense we’re seen as the poor friends.
What is the back story?

korawick12345 · 18/03/2021 23:58

TBH you sound like you loathe them and you also consider yourself to be superior to them because of their ‘materialistic’ ways. Maybe they are picking up on the fact you look down on them!

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 19/03/2021 00:03

You are being totally reasonable. You have been clear that you do not want these things and they are ignoring your wishes and boundaries. To me this is a really straightforward case and I find it fascinated how divided opinion is. Gifts are not always a nice, kind, benevolent gesture. If they genuinely cared they would listen to your "no".

BackforGood · 19/03/2021 00:03

What Veterinari said, on P1

If you want to get other people's perspective on an issue, it's generally best to post about that issue.

I agree with all the comments on P1, who were answering what you put in the OP.

Merryoldgoat · 19/03/2021 00:43

I honestly don’t understand people who refer to friends when they’re actually talking about people they can’t stand.

I suspect this is why I gave about 5 friends.

Famousinlove · 19/03/2021 00:44

If they have been friends for so long, why can't your DP be honest/blunt with him? If after all this time your DP isn't comfortable speaking to him, it can't be much of a friendship.

Fusillage · 19/03/2021 01:45

Meh. You don’t like them enough to want to go on holiday (or spend your cash doing that) which is fine - but what I see from their end is two people (including her because she presumably has a say in this) who want to spend time with you and are trying to make it happen. Who chucks a car wedge of cash at someone to go on holiday just so they aren’t embarrassed?! It doesn’t feel like the whole story.

BadLad · 19/03/2021 02:32

Who chucks a car wedge of cash at someone to go on holiday just so they aren’t embarrassed?!

This must be them

Friend offering money so a group of us can go on holiday! AIBU?
23PissOffAvenueWF · 19/03/2021 02:37

There’s a ten year age gap, but they’ve been friends since primary school?

cultkid · 19/03/2021 02:47

I think you're not telling the whole truth

Can't have a ten year age gap if they were at school together

CartBfree · 19/03/2021 02:51

@Cinderstella

He’s in his early 40’s, his DP is 10 yrs younger than him and I just feel they aren’t very mature. For example he’s made remarks about DH’s Berghaus jacket that he’s worn for 20 yrs, things like that. I know you’re all saying talk to them and let them know how you feel but we have done this till we are blue in the face! It’s ruining our friendship. They are really self absorbed and I just feel we have reached the end of the road with them. Friend's DP has also made a play for my DH several times in the past and personally, I just think she is stupid, insecure and loud. Although that’s another matter I know.
Your 30 year old husband is wearing a coat from when he was 10?

Was it massive then, or is he tiny now?

CartBfree · 19/03/2021 02:53

[quote Cinderstella]Hi@DoinmeEdin. Maybe he thinks it would help him feel more comfortable “if we were up at his level” 😂 as it were rather than his “poor” friends😜.[/quote]
Or have you maybe made the excuse "oh no we can't go on holiday because we need to save for a new car".

You do seem to have issues remembering your story so that might be why they think a car will help you go on holiday with them

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 19/03/2021 03:02

It's the friend's DP who's 10 years younger, not the OPs DP.

NotSeenBulling · 19/03/2021 03:17

Slowly withdraw. Answer messages slower or not at all and gradually turn into grey rocks.

People change. Lessen contact or stand up for yourselfs more. If you feel insulted, tell them. Say, 'actually that is pretty offensive you know', or, 'did you mean to be rude to us?' It might work wonders.

JohannaC · 19/03/2021 05:47

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SandDunesAndSaltyAir · 19/03/2021 06:21

If I were you I'd back off and let DH see his friend on his own. You don't need to do stuff as a foursome. See your own friends while DH spends time with his old school mate.

goodbyegreenbelt · 19/03/2021 06:57

Very odd.

The main point that jumps out at me is you really don't like them, so the logical thing is to not spend time with them. If your DP wants to that's his business.

The second point is if they are 10 years apart in age they can't have been at primary school together, and unless your DP was an unnaturally large 12 year old it seems unlikely that is he still wearing the same jacket after 20 years.

So, I find OP a little hard to believe.

BigPaperBag · 19/03/2021 07:00

Send them my phone number, I’ll be their friend 😂 Honestly @Cinderstella have you heard yourself? You sound ridiculous!!

TheGoogleMum · 19/03/2021 07:02

I'll be their friend I'm not too proud for free gifts!

JohannaC · 19/03/2021 07:03

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MichelleScarn · 19/03/2021 07:08

"Your 30 year old husband is wearing a coat from when he was 10?

Was it massive then, or is he tiny now?"
Ah now i get it, its a covert advert post for Berghaus! Grin