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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend offering money so a group of us can go on holiday! AIBU?

132 replies

Cinderstella · 18/03/2021 22:50

DH’s friend and partner - have a lot more in terms of material things than DH and me. Bigger house in better area, cars, motorbikes, electric bicycles etc. He is always offering us stuff and it’s getting out of hand now. Thing is we have enough money to buy these things if we wanted them but we don’t. We like to live as simply as possible, not wasting money or resources but we feel that they only see us as the poorer couple which we are not by any means. They won’t be told either. At first we saw it as him being kind but since the latest gesture we are extremely irritated and annoyed.
He actually offered to buy my DH a better vehicle than he has so that we could go on holiday with them. DH quietly declined his request but privately he was furious as was I. DH, friend and partner have known each other a long time and DH doesn’t like to upset the apple cart but I really don’t want to have anything to do with “friends” like this. I feel that they are taking the piss big time. AIBU?

OP posts:
PolarnOPirate · 19/03/2021 07:17

OP literally said 'his DP is 10 years younger than him'.

His (the friend's) girlfriend is 10 years younger than him.

Friend and OP's husband were in primary school together.

Comprehension skills on this site, seriously.....??!!

NotSorry · 19/03/2021 07:21

Why are people picking at the OPs posts about ages?

OP has been perfectly clear - friend is early 40s (so presumably is her DH) and friend’s partner is 10 years younger

Stop with the nonsense replies about age derailing the thread

FWIW OP even without the secondary information I think YANBU. This sort of behaviour regarding money would make me very uncomfortable too. I would be distancing myself from them if possible, they sound very odd.

Dashel · 19/03/2021 07:47

Are you into FIRE and Mr Money Mustache by any chance? If so I would post on one of the threads about your friends and then send them the link, there are a couple of threads that would fit, but maybe

forum.mrmoneymustache.com/antimustachian-wall-of-shame-and-comedy/things-your-anti-mustachian-friends-say/

Or maybe
forum.mrmoneymustache.com/welcome-to-the-forum/mustachian-people-problems-(just-for-fun)/

StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/03/2021 07:48

@PolarnOPirate

OP literally said 'his DP is 10 years younger than him'.

His (the friend's) girlfriend is 10 years younger than him.

Friend and OP's husband were in primary school together.

Comprehension skills on this site, seriously.....??!!

Exactly! It’s genuinely worrying how many people couldn’t work this out.
HikingInTheHills · 19/03/2021 07:49

@Cinderstella

I have told him that we have the money. He’s very pushy and yes we felt very insulted. He makes assumptions all the time. His partner looks down her nose at me. She can be nasty on the sly with me but we put up with her because she is the DP of the friend. He really doesn’t take it in or maybe he doesn’t believe me when I say we can afford these things, we just don’t want them or feel that they are necessary like he does.
It doesn’t sound like you like them, yet they are being generous with money and they want to holiday with you. They like you both. However the way you’re talking about them makes it clear you can’t stand them, so 🤷‍♀️
Cattitudes · 19/03/2021 07:51

'Oh that is so kind of you to offer, but we love Tina the Toyota and she has a few thousand miles left on her, we already have money put aside for when she finally goes. I do though know what it is like to have money burning a hole in your pocket so here are the details of and I am sure they would be grateful of any donations.'

Just rinse and repeat.

Lalliella · 19/03/2021 07:53

THE FRIEND’S DP IS 10 YEARS YOUNGER NOT OP’S DH!!! Read properly before you start doubting the OP!

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 19/03/2021 07:55

The two men are in their 40s. The other man’s wife in her 30s.

Sleepingdogs12 · 19/03/2021 07:56

You really don't like them, I would distance yourselves . The friendship has run its course.

couchparsnip · 19/03/2021 07:59

Nice problem to have.
You could always take the stuff they offer and give it to charity. You have, after all, told them you don't want or need it so they shouldn't be surprised.

Alsohuman · 19/03/2021 08:02

@Sleepingdogs12

You really don't like them, I would distance yourselves . The friendship has run its course.
Clearly for OP’s husband it hasn’t run its course. This guy has been his mate for over 30 years, it’s probably his longest relationship with anyone outside his family. I’d like to hear his side of it.
Desnol · 19/03/2021 08:04

It could just be that he values his friends a lot more than money. That's a characteristic of a very good friend.

Being good friends also means that you can say no. Just be careful not to say "no, because we can't afford it", which could hive him the wrong idea.

TillyTopper · 19/03/2021 08:06

When you say DP's partner I assume you mean business partner. You then say:
I just feel they aren’t very mature
They are really self absorbed
Friend's DP has also made a play for my DH several times
I just think she is stupid, insecure and loud

These people aren't really your friends are they, you don't like them, Why are you pretending they are friends? Why not quietly back off and DH just does the business side, but the "friendship" side quietly slides. Keep business and friendships separate then there is usually less drama.

Loopyloututu2 · 19/03/2021 08:09

Tell them you are “stealth wealth” and leave them to work that out for themselves.
You and your dh are the ones who will likely be better off in the long run as you have a more sensible approach to money.

Original poster
Cinderstella · 19/03/2021 08:11

Ok, my last response. Thanks to the people who gave sympathetic replies. However quite a few people didn’t read my info properly. It’s my DH’s friend’s DP who is 10 yrs younger. My DH and his friend are both 41 and 40 respectively and so have known each other for 35 years and DH bought the jacket 20 odd years ago. Hope that explains things a little better for some.
Also, no, we don’t hate them. We’re just fed up of them trying to push us in certain directions without accepting our point of view in the matter. I just really wanted to know how others would feel if they were treated like that by so called friends that’s all.

OP posts:
CaptainVanesHair · 19/03/2021 08:12

Your DH’s mistake was not showing his real emotions until he got home. Perhaps if he’d said ‘For fucks sake Nigel, not this again, we don’t need your money.’ it would have dealt with it. Or even, ‘if you buy us an we would sell it immediately and donate the money to charity.’

Part of we would also be so tempted to splash out on something so insanely lavish that they literally SEE they’re barking up the wrong tree.

SoulofanAggron · 19/03/2021 08:14

You don't like them, don't bother with them.

I suppose that'd involve you trusting that your husband will behave if he happens to be alone with his mate's girlfriend if she makes a play for him though.

leafygarden42 · 19/03/2021 08:16

This thread has to be the absolute ultimate in first world problems.

Ilovelove · 19/03/2021 08:22

I get it op.
Probably the husband likes your company and just wants to make the holiday happen - in their head- the money is no barrier and therefore no brainer to offer.

What they don’t understand is it creates an imbalance and actually a lack of respect and acceptance for your life choices.

I understand because we are the ‘poor’ ones in our group of friends - when we live in an expensive area, own our own cars and really are doing alright - getting a feeling of pity from people for no reason is rage inducing!!

FoonySpucker · 19/03/2021 08:26

Why on earth would you even consider going on holiday with these people?

Original poster
Cinderstella · 19/03/2021 08:26

I do like DH’s friend in other ways. I tolerate the wife for his sake. I do trust my DH. He finds her tiresome and only engages in conversation with her if she’s not being silly. He loves seeing his friend on his own as they have a long history together. He just finds it unreasonable of his friend when he doesn’t take a polite no for an answer.
Geez that’s another final answer from me. I’ll have to stop. This has run its course. Some helpful suggestions. Ty.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/03/2021 08:30

This is a little all over the place. Clearly you hate this mans partner, and feel she’s repeatedly hitting on your husband. I’m not sure why no one is doing anything about this. Inc your husband and his friend.

Secondlh you started off saying you’ve both reached the end of the road, but then say he’s not, it’s you that has. In addition he must be very wealthy indeed if he’s offering to buy you a vehicle. I’m unsure how he doesn’t know you’re both just as wealthy, as you state you are. Generally close friends have an idea of each other’s financial situation.

It sounds like you’re the one who hates them, Particularly his partner, and the offers are upsetting you both because it hurts your pride.

You can distance yourself as pp said. But this is a lifelong friend of your partners, so if he wishes to stay friends you need to accept that.

However I’d ask him to address the fact the partner is hitting on him.

MonochromeMinnie · 19/03/2021 08:33

I see the hard of thinking have jumped on this thread. OP clearly said it's the friend's partner who is 10 years younger.

If I were you I would avoid contact and let DH see them on his own if he wants to.
My DH has a couple of awful 'friends' from primary school days. I have nothing to do with them, and when DH tells me, yet again, about something sly, thoughtless or selfish one of them has done and I say, yet again, 'I don't know why you bother with him', his response is always 'Well, I've known him a long time'. I sometimes wonder what it would take for DH to step away.

HollowTalk · 19/03/2021 08:37

The friend's partner is a bit thick if she values money so much, isn't married to her well off partner and wants to run off with his married friend who she thinks is skint.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2021 08:38

@HollowTalk

The friend's partner is a bit thick if she values money so much, isn't married to her well off partner and wants to run off with his married friend who she thinks is skint.
Quite, or why she’s repeatedly propositioning the ops partner and they all still socialising. Very odd.