Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend offering money so a group of us can go on holiday! AIBU?

132 replies

Cinderstella · 18/03/2021 22:50

DH’s friend and partner - have a lot more in terms of material things than DH and me. Bigger house in better area, cars, motorbikes, electric bicycles etc. He is always offering us stuff and it’s getting out of hand now. Thing is we have enough money to buy these things if we wanted them but we don’t. We like to live as simply as possible, not wasting money or resources but we feel that they only see us as the poorer couple which we are not by any means. They won’t be told either. At first we saw it as him being kind but since the latest gesture we are extremely irritated and annoyed.
He actually offered to buy my DH a better vehicle than he has so that we could go on holiday with them. DH quietly declined his request but privately he was furious as was I. DH, friend and partner have known each other a long time and DH doesn’t like to upset the apple cart but I really don’t want to have anything to do with “friends” like this. I feel that they are taking the piss big time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Marmaladeagain · 19/03/2021 10:29

I wouldn't be comfortable taking such gifts from friends, for all sorts of reasons.

Least of all - it could end with them feeling like favours are owed to them?

Friendships work best amongst equals - not necessarily monetary, but respecting others as individuals. Think I'd feel like I was a pet project if someone thought they needed to keep giving me things.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2021 11:13

I only mentioned her earlier because people asked if there were other things about the friendship my DH and I didn’t like and due to PP’s comments or questions on this it has become sidetracked unfortunately

To be fair though, no one asked you for a personality analysis of her, you’re the one who started repeating stating how stupid and thick she was and Hurling abuse at her. Then going on about how she’s hitting on your husband, flirting with all the men, that she’s only with her partner for the money etc, which makes me think you’re jealous as these are really deeply unpleasant things to say about someone.

Of course it got side tracked when you started on about how she was hitting on your husband. But you didn’t need much prompting before you started hurling insults at her.

No one wants to be treated like a charity case, but I’d examine your feelings about her, because you keep saying you don’t dislike her then being really abusive about her.

Desnol · 19/03/2021 11:42

@Cinderstella

I do like DH’s friend in other ways. I tolerate the wife for his sake. I do trust my DH. He finds her tiresome and only engages in conversation with her if she’s not being silly. He loves seeing his friend on his own as they have a long history together. He just finds it unreasonable of his friend when he doesn’t take a polite no for an answer. Geez that’s another final answer from me. I’ll have to stop. This has run its course. Some helpful suggestions. Ty.
Clearly your husband and his pal are lifelong friends, don't let the twits on this site break up a great friendship. MN usually comes up with good solutions, but not today!
HeronLanyon · 19/03/2021 11:45

In an update you say the woman is nasty and sly and looks down on you. I just don’t understand why these people are your friends at all. You don’t like them surely ?

HeronLanyon · 19/03/2021 11:47

Oops sorry see you’ve dealt with this in further update. Apols.

ChrissyPlummer · 19/03/2021 11:48

Indeed @Pyewackect, I was about to ask if the friends surname was Leadbetter!

Sosigsandwich · 19/03/2021 11:53

I think they sound like they're being really kind and want to help you out. If they don't know you choose to maintain a modest lifestyle they would just assume you can't afford things.

FoonySpucker · 19/03/2021 13:53

@Sosigsandwich

I think they sound like they're being really kind and want to help you out. If they don't know you choose to maintain a modest lifestyle they would just assume you can't afford things.
How is it being kind to buy a car purely so that the OPs existing (and perfectly adequate) car doesn't embarrass them on holiday?
Bluntness100 · 19/03/2021 14:00

How is it being kind to buy a car purely so that the OPs existing (and perfectly adequate) car doesn't embarrass them on holiday?

Well I’m sure they think there’s other benefits to being bought a car. You know. Like getting a free car...

NotSorry · 19/03/2021 14:19

@Sosigsandwich

I think they sound like they're being really kind and want to help you out. If they don't know you choose to maintain a modest lifestyle they would just assume you can't afford things.
I don't - I think they sound controlling

I'd hate to be indebted to anyone in this manner

TonkinLenkicks · 19/03/2021 14:20

She's made a play for your DH and you're still friends? Do yourself a favour and Sack them off. You're an adult, I promise you're allowed to.

Biscuitsdisappear · 19/03/2021 14:50

Your DH and his friend don't seem to know much about each other's lifestyles and can't seem to communicate much.

AlrightTreacle · 19/03/2021 17:37

"DH, friend and partner have known each other a long time and DH doesn’t like to upset the apple cart but I really don’t want to have anything to do with “friends” like this."

Why don't you just politely make your excuses as to why you can't meet up, and let your DH spend time with them if he wants to? You clearly don't like them, but I'm struggling to see why it's such an issue.

Bluntness100 · 19/03/2021 17:58

@AlrightTreacle

"DH, friend and partner have known each other a long time and DH doesn’t like to upset the apple cart but I really don’t want to have anything to do with “friends” like this."

Why don't you just politely make your excuses as to why you can't meet up, and let your DH spend time with them if he wants to? You clearly don't like them, but I'm struggling to see why it's such an issue.

Me too. He doesn’t need to bin them, he doesn’t want to. He’s steadfast in his friendship. So just disengage, he can see them without you. You can see your mates.
BackforGood · 19/03/2021 19:37

Your DH’s mistake was not showing his real emotions until he got home. Perhaps if he’d said ‘For fucks sake Nigel, not this again, we don’t need your money.’ it would have dealt with it. Or even, ‘if you buy us an we would sell it immediately and donate the money to charity.’
or
They are mates. Some plain speaking is called for. I would recommend "would you stop bloody offering to buy me stuff. If I wanted a great gas guzzler like yours I'd buy one. If you want to do me a favour buy me a pint and shut up.

Either of these ^

If your dh and his pal have been friends for 35 years, man and boy as it were, and gone through all those different times of life together, I can't understand how there is any 'awkwardness', and why he can't just tell him.

You clearly don't like his dp, so just either meet up without her, or say to your own dp that him and his mate should just see one another on their own. Other than more formal occasions perhaps such as a mutual friend's wedding, there is no reason to be socialising with someone you don't like.

Fusillage · 19/03/2021 22:22

@BadLad

Who chucks a car wedge of cash at someone to go on holiday just so they aren’t embarrassed?!

This must be them

Grin
DrManhattan · 19/03/2021 22:29

Fall out with them or take them for all their cash.

Yespresh · 20/03/2021 17:38

What a wonderful, thoughtful couple your friends are. As long as they dont hold it against you, I’d accept everything offered. S

Rtruth · 20/03/2021 17:41

This seems to make no sense.

Why would a vehicle mean you can go on holiday? Surely he could rent you one if it was to show off.

I’d just ask them? Weird that you are both furious but won’t talk to your friends directly about it

snakeface · 20/03/2021 18:27

My cousin started to do this to my husband and me. He's now bankrupt and broke, and we are not.
We found it very bizzare behaviour too, when they started to insinuate that we couldn't afford train fares and commenting on the age of our stuff too. And then offering to pay for things we could well affore.
We're like you and buy what we need when we need it and yes have clothes that are 20 years old - horror of horrors!

They came to London and spent £200 on a hair cut for their 5 year old and their older son kept saying 'tell them you're a millionaire Dad'

I genuinely felt sorry for the kids, and still do.

Original poster
Cinderstella · 20/03/2021 18:27

No it’s not weird@Rtruth. I’ve said earlier that we have spoken to them. They don’t take no fir an answer unfortunately. They are very controlling people. I think the only thing we can do is pull away from them as a couples friendship and just leave the boys to it as they have been mates long time. They keep wanting to go on holiday with us but my DH and I prefer to holiday on our own as they have different interests.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinderstella · 20/03/2021 18:29

I think you are one of the few who understand our predicament@snakeface. Hallelujah! 😊

OP posts:
redbigbananafeet · 20/03/2021 18:53

@Cinderstella

He’s in his early 40’s, his DP is 10 yrs younger than him and I just feel they aren’t very mature. For example he’s made remarks about DH’s Berghaus jacket that he’s worn for 20 yrs, things like that. I know you’re all saying talk to them and let them know how you feel but we have done this till we are blue in the face! It’s ruining our friendship. They are really self absorbed and I just feel we have reached the end of the road with them. Friend's DP has also made a play for my DH several times in the past and personally, I just think she is stupid, insecure and loud. Although that’s another matter I know.
Your husbands in his 30s and he's worn the same jacket for 20 years? He's worn the same jacket since he was a teenager?
Original poster
Cinderstella · 20/03/2021 19:49

Nooooo. My DH and his friend are the same age. His friend’s DP is 10 yrs younger@redbigbananafeet

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 20/03/2021 19:55

Good grief. You sound like a martyr who loves living a peasants life. Offended because they have a lot more money than You, but don't care, and want to go on holiday. And offer you a car.

But no. She looks down her nose at you and is sly. Does Dh agree? So why are you friends?